And Now For Something Completely Different...
by Bast
I apologize to Dick Wolf for taking liberties with his wonderful characters.
Scene I
(Jack's office. He is oiling his leather motorcycle jacket as SERENA rushes
in. He quickly stowes the jacket and turns to face her).
Serena: (breathless and excited) Jack!
Jack: Serena! You're all breathless and excited! I've never seen you like
this. I think I'm getting aroused.
Serena: Jack! I...I...have something to tell you.
Jack: It's all right, Serena. I understand completely. You're overcome with
emotion. Don't fight it--it was bound to happen. Two people like us,
thrown together too often by too many circumstances... And I want you
to know I'm flattered.
Serena: (still trying to catch her breath) No....it's...it's...
JacK I know. You think it's love. And I don't blame you. You're young,
you're inexperienced--at least compared to me--but I think you'll
find in the course of our upcoming affair that it is just the
attraction of a younger woman for an older, powerful, handsome man
with his own teeth, and great head of hair--
Serena: Shut up you Irish twit and read this! (Serena throws a newspaper
at Jack).
Jack: (reading) WOLF SUES FAN FIC WRITERS. Today, in an unprecidented
legal move, television mogul Dick Wolf....
Serena: Not that. Not that. This. (She points to an item lower on the
page).
Jack: This is the gossip section.
Serena: Right. Keep reading.
Jack: (reading) "...and what D.A., who shall remain nameless but with the
initials A.B., was the featured singer at the Nightspot, sporting a
red teddy and black silk stockings? Voters, if you want something
extra for your money check it out." A.B.? Silk stockings? What?
What?!!!
Serena: Close your mouth, Jack. You had the liver and onions again for lunch,
didn't you?
Jack: Serena, this is scandalous! This is libelous! This is....
Serena: Hillarious?
Jack: Yes! NO! Don't you realize what this means? If it's true this whole
office would become a laughing stock. There'd be a media feeding
frenzy. Cameras everywhere. I'd have to get a haircut. Serena, we've
got to get down to the Nightspot and investigate.
Serena: No problem. I'm on my way.
Jack: Wait. Don't you want me to go with you?
Serena: No, Jack, it's o.k. Rodgers is coming with me.
Jack: Rodgers? The M.E.?
Serena: Yeah.
Jack: You expecting Arthur to die?
Serena: Maybe. I've never heard him sing. Besides, you're too high profile.
Guilt by association, you know.
Jack: You're right. As usual.
Serena: You just stay here and oil your jacket and I'll be back in a couple of
hours.
Jack: How'd you know about the jacket?
Serena: Your hands are glistening but your pants are zipped. Elementary, my dear
Mc Coy. (Serena EXITS)
Scene II
(The Nightspot. Loud band playing, wall to wall people. RODGERS and SERENA
are sitting close together at a table. A young, butchy looking woman approches
Serena).
Y. B.: Hey. You're really cute. Can I buy you a drink?
Rodgers: (rising from chair and brandishing a scapel) Beat it, Disel Dyke.
Unless you want to be sporting the latest split tongue fad.
Y. B.: Hey, sorry. Didn't know it was mother/daughter night. You ladies
have a nice evening. (Y. B. EXITS)
Serena: Thanks, Snookums.
Rodgers: You're welcome, Babycakes. (The band wraps up it's number and the
announcer takes the stage)
Announcer: All Right! Let's give it up for the Fallow Farts! Great set, gang.
(The crowd claps and whistles, but half heartedly. It's clear they
are waiting for something big). And now, ladies and wannabes, back
for an encore performance--the one, the only--Allura Blanche!
(The crowd goes wild--clapping, whistling, stomping. The stage goes
dark. Suddenly a spotlight is lit, and within that spotlight is..
Rodgers and Serena: Arthur Branch!!
(Arthur, dressed in wig, mini skirt, and fish net hose, is vamping
to I Enjoy Being A Girl).
Serena: Oh, God. This is worse than I imagined. No one wears fishnet stockings
anymore.
(Arthur finishes his number and the house comes down. He gets 7
curtain calls.
Serena: I've got to go talk to him.
Rodgers: Want me to come?
Serena: Always, sweetie. But we'll save that for later. (Serena EXITS)
Scene III
(Arthur's dressing room. He is smiling and humming, trying to
choose between two lavishly sequined outfits. Serena enters)
Serena: Arthur?
Arthur: Serena! What? Where? How did you....
Serena: Take it easy, Arthur. It's o.k. I loved your number, but the hose
have got to go.
Arthur: Oh, Lordy. My own A.D.A. seein' me like this.
Serena: Arthur, everyone's going to be seeing you like this. It was in the
papers. All New York's going to know.
Arthur: (sinking into chair, covering his face with his hands) Ah, Serena.
I never wanted it to come to this. I just had to...break out, you know?
Let me tell you a story. (Serena rolls her eyes) When I was a boy
back in Dry Socket, Tennessee, me and my buddy, Bubba Chuck, used
to sneak our Momma's clothes and play dress up. Now we knew if anyone
ever caught us we'd be strung up like polecats.
Serena: Polecats?
Arthur: But we took our chances anyway. This went on all the way up through
highschool til Bubba Chuck got caught with a waist cincher in his
gym locker. Needless to say, he was drummed off the football team
and run out of town. 'Course that scared the Milk Duds right outta
me, and I never donned a woman's dress again...til now. That's 44
years of suppression, little lady. You don't know what that can do
to a man.
Serena: You're right, Arthur, I don't. But I just can't understand how you
could risk your career, your family, your reputation on something
as frivolous as this. You'll lose your job, Jack will win D.A.,
I'll become E. A. D. A....(a sudden look of cunning crosses Serena's
face)
Arthur: You're right, Serena. Damn! What have I been thinking? I need
some help! I gotta get to Skoda.
Serena: Just a minute, Arthur. Not so fast. Maybe you're right about that
suppression. Why shouldn't you live your dream? A man your age
should be able to do anything he wants.
Arthur: (shaking head) No. YOU'RE right, Serena. And I thank you for
openin' my eyes. (Arthur takes off wig and buttons coat over
costume) I gotta get some help. There's no time to waste. (Arthur
EXITS)
Serena: But, Arthur, maybe you should think about this some more? Arthur?
Announcer: (entering and looking around) Where's Allura? It's time for her
strip tease. (In the background, the band gives an intro)
Serena: Gone. All Gone.
Announcer: What?
Serena: Nothing. (The band gives another intro)
Announcer: That's her cue. Somebody's got to get out there and strip.
(She glares at Serena)
Serena: Shove it, bitch. I've got my own troubles.
(The crowd is restless--pounding on the table for some action.
Suddenly, the band launches into a raunchy rendition of The
Stripper)
Announcer: (looking at stage) Hey! Whose that red-head out there in
the scrubs? She may be over the hill, but she can dance!
Damn! I've never seen a split done like that before.
(Serena takes a look at the stage. Then she slowly sinks into
Arthur's chair, puts her head in her hands, and cries.)
END
by Bast
I apologize to Dick Wolf for taking liberties with his wonderful characters.
Scene I
(Jack's office. He is oiling his leather motorcycle jacket as SERENA rushes
in. He quickly stowes the jacket and turns to face her).
Serena: (breathless and excited) Jack!
Jack: Serena! You're all breathless and excited! I've never seen you like
this. I think I'm getting aroused.
Serena: Jack! I...I...have something to tell you.
Jack: It's all right, Serena. I understand completely. You're overcome with
emotion. Don't fight it--it was bound to happen. Two people like us,
thrown together too often by too many circumstances... And I want you
to know I'm flattered.
Serena: (still trying to catch her breath) No....it's...it's...
JacK I know. You think it's love. And I don't blame you. You're young,
you're inexperienced--at least compared to me--but I think you'll
find in the course of our upcoming affair that it is just the
attraction of a younger woman for an older, powerful, handsome man
with his own teeth, and great head of hair--
Serena: Shut up you Irish twit and read this! (Serena throws a newspaper
at Jack).
Jack: (reading) WOLF SUES FAN FIC WRITERS. Today, in an unprecidented
legal move, television mogul Dick Wolf....
Serena: Not that. Not that. This. (She points to an item lower on the
page).
Jack: This is the gossip section.
Serena: Right. Keep reading.
Jack: (reading) "...and what D.A., who shall remain nameless but with the
initials A.B., was the featured singer at the Nightspot, sporting a
red teddy and black silk stockings? Voters, if you want something
extra for your money check it out." A.B.? Silk stockings? What?
What?!!!
Serena: Close your mouth, Jack. You had the liver and onions again for lunch,
didn't you?
Jack: Serena, this is scandalous! This is libelous! This is....
Serena: Hillarious?
Jack: Yes! NO! Don't you realize what this means? If it's true this whole
office would become a laughing stock. There'd be a media feeding
frenzy. Cameras everywhere. I'd have to get a haircut. Serena, we've
got to get down to the Nightspot and investigate.
Serena: No problem. I'm on my way.
Jack: Wait. Don't you want me to go with you?
Serena: No, Jack, it's o.k. Rodgers is coming with me.
Jack: Rodgers? The M.E.?
Serena: Yeah.
Jack: You expecting Arthur to die?
Serena: Maybe. I've never heard him sing. Besides, you're too high profile.
Guilt by association, you know.
Jack: You're right. As usual.
Serena: You just stay here and oil your jacket and I'll be back in a couple of
hours.
Jack: How'd you know about the jacket?
Serena: Your hands are glistening but your pants are zipped. Elementary, my dear
Mc Coy. (Serena EXITS)
Scene II
(The Nightspot. Loud band playing, wall to wall people. RODGERS and SERENA
are sitting close together at a table. A young, butchy looking woman approches
Serena).
Y. B.: Hey. You're really cute. Can I buy you a drink?
Rodgers: (rising from chair and brandishing a scapel) Beat it, Disel Dyke.
Unless you want to be sporting the latest split tongue fad.
Y. B.: Hey, sorry. Didn't know it was mother/daughter night. You ladies
have a nice evening. (Y. B. EXITS)
Serena: Thanks, Snookums.
Rodgers: You're welcome, Babycakes. (The band wraps up it's number and the
announcer takes the stage)
Announcer: All Right! Let's give it up for the Fallow Farts! Great set, gang.
(The crowd claps and whistles, but half heartedly. It's clear they
are waiting for something big). And now, ladies and wannabes, back
for an encore performance--the one, the only--Allura Blanche!
(The crowd goes wild--clapping, whistling, stomping. The stage goes
dark. Suddenly a spotlight is lit, and within that spotlight is..
Rodgers and Serena: Arthur Branch!!
(Arthur, dressed in wig, mini skirt, and fish net hose, is vamping
to I Enjoy Being A Girl).
Serena: Oh, God. This is worse than I imagined. No one wears fishnet stockings
anymore.
(Arthur finishes his number and the house comes down. He gets 7
curtain calls.
Serena: I've got to go talk to him.
Rodgers: Want me to come?
Serena: Always, sweetie. But we'll save that for later. (Serena EXITS)
Scene III
(Arthur's dressing room. He is smiling and humming, trying to
choose between two lavishly sequined outfits. Serena enters)
Serena: Arthur?
Arthur: Serena! What? Where? How did you....
Serena: Take it easy, Arthur. It's o.k. I loved your number, but the hose
have got to go.
Arthur: Oh, Lordy. My own A.D.A. seein' me like this.
Serena: Arthur, everyone's going to be seeing you like this. It was in the
papers. All New York's going to know.
Arthur: (sinking into chair, covering his face with his hands) Ah, Serena.
I never wanted it to come to this. I just had to...break out, you know?
Let me tell you a story. (Serena rolls her eyes) When I was a boy
back in Dry Socket, Tennessee, me and my buddy, Bubba Chuck, used
to sneak our Momma's clothes and play dress up. Now we knew if anyone
ever caught us we'd be strung up like polecats.
Serena: Polecats?
Arthur: But we took our chances anyway. This went on all the way up through
highschool til Bubba Chuck got caught with a waist cincher in his
gym locker. Needless to say, he was drummed off the football team
and run out of town. 'Course that scared the Milk Duds right outta
me, and I never donned a woman's dress again...til now. That's 44
years of suppression, little lady. You don't know what that can do
to a man.
Serena: You're right, Arthur, I don't. But I just can't understand how you
could risk your career, your family, your reputation on something
as frivolous as this. You'll lose your job, Jack will win D.A.,
I'll become E. A. D. A....(a sudden look of cunning crosses Serena's
face)
Arthur: You're right, Serena. Damn! What have I been thinking? I need
some help! I gotta get to Skoda.
Serena: Just a minute, Arthur. Not so fast. Maybe you're right about that
suppression. Why shouldn't you live your dream? A man your age
should be able to do anything he wants.
Arthur: (shaking head) No. YOU'RE right, Serena. And I thank you for
openin' my eyes. (Arthur takes off wig and buttons coat over
costume) I gotta get some help. There's no time to waste. (Arthur
EXITS)
Serena: But, Arthur, maybe you should think about this some more? Arthur?
Announcer: (entering and looking around) Where's Allura? It's time for her
strip tease. (In the background, the band gives an intro)
Serena: Gone. All Gone.
Announcer: What?
Serena: Nothing. (The band gives another intro)
Announcer: That's her cue. Somebody's got to get out there and strip.
(She glares at Serena)
Serena: Shove it, bitch. I've got my own troubles.
(The crowd is restless--pounding on the table for some action.
Suddenly, the band launches into a raunchy rendition of The
Stripper)
Announcer: (looking at stage) Hey! Whose that red-head out there in
the scrubs? She may be over the hill, but she can dance!
Damn! I've never seen a split done like that before.
(Serena takes a look at the stage. Then she slowly sinks into
Arthur's chair, puts her head in her hands, and cries.)
END