Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei is the creation of Matushita and associates. FF is non-profit, meant for entertainment only.

FF can be archived anywhere, just let me know where. Please send no flames, I'm sensitive. For all other comments 0_o you may contact me at kaoru_koishii@yahoo.com

Category: Yami no Matsuei

Title: An illusion is nothing more and nothing less, at first glance.

Rating: PG-13

Summary: A post-Kyoto fic. Tsuzuki accidentally drinks one of Watari's potions. The potion seems to take Tsuzuki's memory making things even more complicated for an ill Hisoka. To make things worse Tsuzuki believes Hisoka to be a girl.

*************

Chapter Three

*************

A whole week with a distant Hisoka is not what he'd been looking for when he'd stepped into that room to wake her up. Tsuzuki popped another cookie into his mouth feeling the sugar would some good in lifting his spirits. He pretended to watch something as Hisoka moved around in the kitchen preparing dinner. In a week he'd been able to remember more, some good but mainly bad. Stuff he'd wish he'd never remembered. All in all this week had proved one thing for him. He was in love with his partner. He kept a strong shield on his emotions now. It had been hard at first trying to maintain it in place at all times but he quickly realized that the longer he held it in place the easier it became. Obviously because he was practiced at it.

The real him, the one with all the memories he'd kept the feeling to himself as well. Maintaining the partnership between them was better than risking Hisoka leaving him. He sighed and popped another cookie into his mouth. Why were things so complicated? Hisoka looked worse for wear, more so now than she had when she'd picked him up at the infirmary more than a week ago. She didn't look like she was sleeping and it worried him. He needed to speak to the scientist guy who'd done this to him. Watari.

A thought occurred to him. Hisoka wouldn't object to him taking a walk, especially if she didn't know about it. Tonight he'd go over there. The place wasn't that hard to find. Hisoka's hand brushed against his, as the plate was set in front of him. Jade-eyes narrowed briefly, pinning him to his seat. It was obvious the smaller shinigami had picked up on what he wanted to do but not on the 'why?' He hadn't thought of the why at the time so he was safe.

All right he wouldn't do it today but he would do it soon. He didn't want another week of the cold shoulder. He wanted them to go back to how they were.

"Baka, pay attention or you won't get dinner." Hisoka's exasperated voice reached his ears.

"What? Why?"

"I said that if you want more to tell me now." Hisoka responded. You'd think that because he'd been talking about food the idiot would have heard but no too busy plotting on how to run off to see Watari. He watched Tsuzuki nod vigorously. After careful observation Hisoka had come to the conclusion that Tsuzuki's stomach, it had no end. It was a bottomless pit. Hisoka made the plate twice the normal size before he took the pan back into the kitchen.

A quiet Hisoka sat across from Tsuzuki, watching him carefully. So what if he wanted to see Watari? He didn't care. Tsuzuki could do anything he wanted, sleep with anyone he wanted for all he cared. Hisoka placed his fork down not really feeling hungry anymore. Why would he jump to that kind of conclusion so quickly? Nerves. It was nothing more than his nerves. He needed rest.

He felt so tire, how he wished he could sleep. He was afraid of taking the sleeping pills. What if became trapped in the nightmare again? As tired as he was, he still didn't want to sleep because he was afraid of the nightmare. He was so stupid sometimes.

"You should really try to eat."

Hisoka looked at his partner tiredly. Tsuzuki was a sound sleeper when he'd had a lot to drink. If he were inebriated then he wouldn't rush to his side if he screamed. Though alcohol could do the same for him. He rose from his chair, disappearing into the kitchen for a moment. He brought out a red wine and two cups. He served Tsuzuki a goblet full before he filled his half way. He sat back down pretending to eat. He made the effort once or twice but he was just so tired. He kept refilling the goblet until the taller man swayed in his chair looking happy. Hisoka helped him up and began to lead him to his room. A good nights rest, that's what they needed.

Tsuzuki grasped her by the waist trying to keep his own balance but failing miserably. "Sorry." He murmured as they almost tumbled to the floor. Hisoka only nodded and continued to help him into the room. Tsuzuki felt himself been laid back onto the soft mattress. "Wait, take shir' off . . . .takemy shirr off." He insisted until Hisoka drew closer. He allowed the small little hands to manhandle him. His shirt was yanked off and he realized that then she'd leave. "Wait! My sleeepshir. My sleeep shir." He cleared. He heard the heavy sigh near his head.

Hisoka realized that perhaps one bottle was not enough to knock out the idiot. He finished putting the sleep shirt on Tsuzuki before he rushed out of the room. He was blushing; he could feel the heat all over his skin. He moved back to the kitchen, clearing everything off. He would clean up before going to bed.

Finishing quickly, he made his way back to his room carrying the half-filled goblet. He changed his clothes and took a seat on the bed, drawing the covers around himself once he got comfortable. He held the goblet out in front of him, all the while thinking about the last book he'd read, the one with the happy ending. He kept the thought clear in his mind before he tossed the drink back in one gulp. The goblet made it to the nightstand next to his bed before his world disappeared into a black abyss. 'So warm,' was the drifting thought.

Long fingers delved into his flaxen hair. The touch was intrusive, as it was calming. Hisoka eyes strained to maintain contact with the pages of his book but that hand. That hand was so distracting. "What?" He was forced to say when the hand began moving down to the base of his neck. "Did I tell you about touching me?"

"Not to do it in front of people." Was the cheeky response.

His ears burned before he felt the blush on his face. "Baka." He said slapping the hand away.

The brunet merely smiled and sat in front of him. He hated been ignored. His hand touched the book pushing it up so he could read the title. "I'm hungry."

"When are you not?" Hisoka responded brusquely, moving some of his bangs out of his eyes.

"Let's go have lunch." The brunet coaxed.

Hisoka was growing weary of this. He almost always gave in. Why couldn't that man just let him have Sunday? He'd wanted to read his book for several weeks but it was always something. Something to do with Tsuzuki that kept him from finishing.

The brunet slipped the book out of the youth's hands, tucking it under his arms. He stood and looked down on the boy. The boy seemed to debate whether or not this was for the best. "Come on." The brunet said as he extended his hand to help the boy stand.

The boy took it begrudgingly. They had been in such a nice spot. 'Should have brought food,' he thought. That would have kept the older man out of his hair for more than an hour or so.

The older man heard the mumbling. He drew the younger shinigami in his arms briefly. "Yes, next Sunday will have a picnic." He spoke into the mop of blond hair before letting go.

Hisoka turned his face away. There'd been too many feelings bared in the brief period they'd touched. Everything was becoming confusing . . . . .

Hisoka opened his eyes slowly. That was the Sunday they had spent in the park, the day before his accident. 'They'd never gotten around to actually having their picnic.' A sinking feeling settled into the pit of his stomach. What was he thinking? It was dangerous to think along those lines or anywhere near those lines.

He cared for Tsuzuki very much but not in the romantic sense. The man was his partner but he could never care for him like that. Love was an illusion and if nothing else Hisoka was a realist. So he couldn't feel what he didn't believe in. He was aware of people around him, how could he not be but those people, the ones in 'love.' He felt. No, he believed they were deceiving themselves. What those people felt was nothing more than attraction. Chemical impulses working of one another, creating sparks of interest. It was science better explained by Watari.

He avoided thinking about love between parent and child. After all he was proof that not all parents cared for their offspring.

Tsuzuki cared though. Hisoka closed his eyes feeling a strong headache just behind his lids. He was not attracted to his partner the man just knew how to get under his skin, that's all.

Sighing deeply he got out of bed. It was time to face the humdrum of everyday life.

*************

"I was wondering when you were going to get up."

Hisoka stopped mid step startled by the man for a second before he continued. "You haven't been attempting to cook have you?" Hisoka asked as he looked at his kitchen closely.

"No, I didn't think that frilly apron of yours would fit me."

"Shut Up." Hisoka said moving into the kitchen. The man's deep chuckle was nice to hear. It meant he was getting better. He'd be the old Tsuzuki in no time. His hand hovered over the burner was that good or bad? Tsuzuki had seemed keen in moving them into the next step of their relationship. He'd been trying 'something' in the last couple of months. "Ita!" He screamed as pain registered across his palm.

Tsuzuki rushed into the kitchen moving Hisoka to the sink. Running cold water over the burn. The wound taking longer than usual to heal because of the flu. Tsuzuki kept his hands on the slender arm making sure the wound had healed, brushing his thumbs over the spot to make sure, just in case.

"I'm fine." Hisoka mumbled pulling his arm back from Tsuzuki's hands. Tsuzuki only nodded, moving away back to the living room.

"So I was thinking we could go grocery shopping today." Tsuzuki spoke through a mouthful of rice.

"No."

"Why not?" Tsuzuki grumbled.

"Every time we go all you ever want to buy are snacks."

"It'll be different this time. I'm tired of been locked in. Come on." Tsuzuki waggled his tail enthusiastically. "Come on, what do you say?"

Hisoka pondered on the argument. They'd had it many times before and he always promised it'd be different. Thing was, once they were at the market Tsuzuki became a bit harder to manage. He was usually forced into using violence against the man.

"Please Soka." Tsuzuki pleaded.

"Don't call me that." Hisoka threatened. If he'd told the idiot once, he'd told him a million times. He hated the nickname.

"Soka-chan."

That was it. Hisoka tossed a bread roll at the man, hitting him squarely in the eye.

"Ouu!"

Hisoka's elbows rested on the table; the back of his hands casually covered his mouth, hiding the smile the other man provoked. "Fine but if you don't behave I'll leave anything with sugar behind."

Tsuzuki nodded happily tossing the offending bread roll into his mouth. "Sure."

The word wasn't very comforting. But he let it go. He wanted them to spend the next several days in relative peace. In four days they'd be back at work and then there would be whole new reasons for which to yell at the purple-eyed shinigami.

*************

Hisoka felt exhausted. Shopping with Tsuzuki was always so exhausting. He felt the weight of the man as he tossed himself into the sofa next to him. He kept his eyes covered with his arm wanting to ignore his partner for a while.

"That was fun, ne Hisoka?"

Hisoka closed his eyes. He didn't hear anything. He didn't hear anything. Quiet. So quiet.

"Ne, Hisoka?" Tsuzuki whispered too close to his ear making Hisoka jump in his seat. He glared murderously at his partner.

Tsuzuki ignored the look. "I thought we could go out to dinner." The brunet asked moving closer to Hisoka's corner of the couch. Hisoka drew back. "We just went groceries shopping." He stated, pointing out the obvious. Sometimes you had to.

"Yes and we can eat that later but I want us to go to dinner."

Hisoka listened to the phrasing of the question. "No." He said after a moment. "Save your money." Hisoka stood and moved away to the kitchen, a room he'd become extremely familiar with. When he'd first become a shinigami he had been very unfamiliar with doing things for himself. Cooking had been one of those things. With Tsuzuki as a partner though he had learned pretty quickly. He was just thankful he could follow instructions otherwise the cookbooks he bought would have been useless.

Lemon chicken, it was an acquired taste but Tsuzuki seemed to like it. He began preparing things.

He couldn't wait to get back to work it had been a while and he was looking forward to it. Life without work just seemed mundane. Plus it would give Tsuzuki time with other people, which would give him a chance to breathe. The ring of the oven let him know the chicken was done. Carefully this time he removed the tray out of the oven. Moving around the familiar room he continued his work diligently.

"Uhmm."

Hisoka ate the steamed vegetables he'd made for himself as Tsuzuki happily ate his dinner.

"Yummmm." He chewed just enough before swallowing another mouthful. "Lemon chicken?"

"Aa." Hisoka responded indifferently.

"I think I have a new favorite." Tsuzuki swallowed before he smiled at the ash-blond sitting across from him.

"New? This is your favorite." Hisoka answered as he began to drink his tea.

Tsuzuki stopped eating looking at Hisoka for a moment before his eyes trailed down to the others plate, noticing for the first time that the smaller shinigami had not eaten the same food. Hisoka had made the food just for him. Because it was 'his' favorite. He smiled lightly at Hisoka who seemed to find his teacup extremely interesting. He finished his meal in utter bliss. He hoped the rest of their vacation was this peaceful.

*************

"Why do I have to go?"

The large piercing whine hurt the small shinigami's ears. "You're not sick and I said you're going." Hisoka responded with his hands on his hips.

Tsuzuki had dressed in his normal black suit but now that he was dressed he didn't feel like going.

"If you don't go Tatsumi will not pay you. That means no food." Hisoka tried to reason.

"Would you really let me starve Hisoka?"

"Yes."

"You're so mean!" The brunet cried.

"I'm not waiting anymore." Hisoka said as he turned on his heel.

"No, wait I'll go but let it be noted that only because you're making me." Tsuzuki said as he rushed to the smaller one's side.

"Fine, whatever. Let's just go." Hisoka put his shoes on; opened the door and left.

"Wait! You're supposed to wait for me!"

*************

"You're late Tzusuki." Tatsumi stated as the purpled eyed Shinigami walked into the office.

"I got lost." Tsuzuki hung his head low. "Someone didn't wait for me and I got lost." He mumbled. Hisoka blushed in response and turned his head away. Tsuzuki took his seat and looked around while Tatsumi finished his report on something he didn't quite catch. He looked up when the sound of Tatsumi's voice stopped. Everyone was getting up to leave.

"Watari can I have a word." Tsuzuki called out just before the blond disappeared down the hall.

Watari noticed the glance Hisoka tossed them before he began walking down the hall. Watari turned to speak with Tsuzuki before he remembered the files. "Boy the files." He called out.

Tsuzuki stopped, frozen by the words out of the doctor's mouth. "Boy?" Tsuzuki repeated.

Watari and Hisoka turned to look at him at the same time.

"Oh." Watari thought. I forgot. He glanced at Hisoka who looked stunned. A feeling of hurt crossed the boy's face so quickly he wondered if he'd really seen it.

Hisoka turned and walked away. Tsuzuki had thought he was a girl. Is that why he kissed me? Why he flirted with me? Hisoka hastened his pace heading for the south wing; none of the other shinigami ever went there. It was the only place he had when he needed to get away. When being with Tsuzuki became too much. It was the one place Tsuzuki had never been able to find him in.

He reached his haven quicker than he thought possible. He locked himself inside the empty office feeling the familiar chill. For some reason the room was always cold. He moved to the window looking out but not really seeing anything. Why was he contradicting himself? Tsuzuki and him were partners. Coworkers and friends. He did not love Tsuzuki. He didn't. Hisoka leaned on the windowsill feeling like he couldn't breath, choking on an all too familiar feeling. 'He didn't love Tsuzuki,' he thought as he squeezed his eyes shut.

*************

Tsuzuki sat in the infirmary looking over Watari's shoulder, staring at some point on the wall only he could see.

Watari stared at his friend for a long time.

The shock of finding out, the boys' true gender had shaken loose a lot of memories. The brunet had staggered and almost collapsed as memories had rushed back to him, each one insisting it was the most important.

He'd given the purple-eyed man a sedative when his anger had gotten the better of him and he'd turned over a chair and a table near one of the beds.

"Tsuzuki, you have to snap out of this. You didn't do anything wrong." Watari repeated the same thing he'd been saying for the last half an hour.

"Urgh." Tsuzuki made a disgusted noise in the back of his throat as he rose from the bed he'd been sitting on. "Why didn't you just tell me from the beginning?" He said as he moved over to the window. "You knew why I drank the potion."

"Tsuzuki it didn't work out the way we had planned. I thought . . . . I . . . You never said what to do if it didn't work. Tatsumi had walked in just before you drank it and I had no choice but to call the boy." Watari explained sincerely. "It would have looked suspicious if I had come by his apartment unannounced and with the boy's ability he would have quickly found out why I was there."

Hisoka stood three feet from the door to Watari's office. Not sure if what they were saying is what he thought they meant.

"The whole point was to hide them so he couldn't sense them." Tsuzuki's voice began to rise. "So I could be near him without giving myself away."

"You could never hide them." Watari interjected.

"Why not." Tsuzuki roared.

"It was always too late for that." Watari voice was drowned out by the sound of furniture being upturned.

"Why?" Tsuzuki asked hoarsely.

"It's written all over your face. The way you talk to the boy. Your protectiveness of him goes beyond what you admit to him. You're overprotective almost to the point of being possessive. I don't know what you'd do if he ever responded to anyone else the way he does to you. My guess is you wouldn't take it lightly." Watari said calmingly.

Hisoka took a step backwards knowing he couldn't handle this. He wasn't ready for this.

"I just want . . . ."

Tsuzuki's words trailed off as Hisoka ran away from the office door. From the man inside. From the declaration. He didn't want to know.

He slowed his pace as he turned the corner. He walked to their office, closing the door behind him as soon as he was inside. Everything was as they had left it two weeks ago. He looked down at the expense report on his desk. It had been due last Wednesday. He picked up his pen and began filling out the form. So much paper work. It would have to be done before they headed off to Kumamoto. His mind filled with numbers and locations as he sought distance from his current feelings and conflicting thoughts.

The door slammed open to reveal a disheveled looking Tsuzuki. "Hisoka, I've been looking for you."

The muscles in his hand were numb. He looked at the clock to the side. It was lunchtime and the idiot had just come into the office. His eyes moved past the clock to settle on his partner. The glare he directed at the man was enough to singe him.

"I have the file for the next case." Tsuzuki faltered under the gaze.

Hisoka stood and placed his jacket back on moving around the taller man as he tried to leave.

"Where are you going?"

"Lunch; get out of the way." Hisoka responded as he took a step back from his partner.

"I'll come with you."

"I don't need company." Hisoka answered coldly before he slipped past the older man.

Tsuzuki caught the slim wrist in his hand as the boy slipped past him. "Why are you being this way?"

Wordlessly, Hisoka yanked his wrist hard pulling the brunet along. The pressure on his wrist increased and he was forced to raise his hand against the taller man.

Tsuzuki licked the blood on his lip before the wound healed. He let go off the boy who stood there looking angry. The lull of the office had become nothing but silence as they stared on.

"Go." Tsuzuki said as Hisoka half turned to leave. His voice made the younger shinigami pause briefly before he continued. Tsuzuki retreated to their office slamming the door behind him.

OOC at some points, the amnesia gave me some leeway. I know some of you might mind but I thought it added to the story. I reasoned that after working together for so many years Tsuzuki would have eventually tried to move them to the next step. Hisoka I believe would have put up a fight all the way to the end. I know people like Hisoka. Still I hope you guys liked it.