Tears I Cried
By Hagane
Chapter 2
-o0o-
In order to live, sometimes we have to die.In order to give, we have to sacrifice.
He was weak, that much was certain. Hakkai frowned as he watched the blonde man struggle to walk next to him. Despite Sanzo's obvious effort to appear steady, he wasn't fooled. Every step he took pained him. Every movement drained his energy. He wanted to reach out, to hold him up, to help him. But the man was adamant about making it alone. Hakkai sighed. Sanzo could be so stubborn sometimes.
"Damn the monk," muttered Gojyo, under his breath, "why is he so bloody stubborn?"
Hakkai forced a smile. "Well, at least we know he's all right."
"Yeah. Stiff and stubborn. That's the monk all right." Gojyo rolled his eyes.
Hakkai chuckled bitterly.
"Ne Sanzo, daijoubu?" asked a very concerned Goku.
The monk grunted. "I'm fine."
"Aa…hontou?" the young boy pressed.
Sanzo shot him a glare. "I told you I'm f---" he lost his balance and toppled forward.
"Sanzo!" Goku caught him just as his nose was about to kiss the ground.
Sanzo pushed the boy away and tried to stand up by himself. But his legs gave way and he fell to his knees.
"Sanzo….." Goku's eyes were reproving and he placed his hands on his hips in consternation. "You're too weak to walk. Come on, I'll piggy-back you!" he smiled.
"Get away from me you stupid saru!" Sanzo snapped as he was lifted onto the other's back.
"Now Sanzo-sama," drawled Gojyo from behind them, "the saru's only trying to help. Give him some credit."
"Help my ass." Grumbled a very annoyed, and sleepy Sanzo. "I can walk by myself."
"I'm sure you can Sanzo, but just let Goku help you this time ne?" Hakkai smiled at him, eyes pleading for the monk to concede.
Sanzo grunted and looked away.
"Arigatou…Sanzo…" whispered Hakkai.
"Kanzeon Bosatsu……are you sure this is in accordance with Heaven's rules?" asked a very worried Jiroushin.
"Of course it is……" yawned a very bored Goddess of Mercy.
"Demo……" began the man.
"Relax. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a little fun is there?" she cut him off.
"Kanzeon Bosatsu! Is this your idea of fun?" exclaimed an extremely shocked officer.
She raised an eyebrow at him. "Is there something wrong with that?"
"I…Iya….demo…..are you certain there's nothing wrong with what you're doing?"
"Of course." She laughed, and waved her hand dismissively.
'And even if it isn't……there's nothing anyone can do about it now…..ne, Konzen?'
The sun was beating down on them mercilessly. For the nth time that day, Goku whined.
"Harahetta……..Sanzo~~" he whined pathetically.
"Urusai baka saru," Gojyo said lazily, "it's already hot enough without you opening your noisy trap." He was sprawled in the back of Hakuryuu, fanning himself lazily with a stolen page off Sanzo's newspaper.
"What did you say ero kappa?"
"I said- -"
"Maa maa….both of you….calm down…." Hakkai's divine intervention came to the rescue once again.
"Demo Hakkai! The kappa started it!" Goku pointed a finger at Gojyo accusingly.
"Who started whining first? Baaa~~ka."
"KAPPA!"
"Baka."
"KAPPA!"
"Baka baka."
"KAPPA KAPPA KAPPA KAPPA!!!!!" yelled Goku excitedly.
Silence.
"It's so quiet. Today's so quiet…ne Hakkai? Why is it quiet?" asked the innocent, leaning forward to peer at the driver.
"Eto….." Hakkai glanced at him through the rearview mirror. Wide, innocent brown eyes sparkled back at him. He chuckled. "Maybe it's because Sanzo is asleep?" his eyes turned to the man next to him.
"Sou daa! Sanzo's asleep! Ne Hakkai….." he lowered his voice and when Hakkai turned to face him, he had a very solemn expression on his face. "Why is Sanzo sleeping so much now? He's been asleep since…." He held up his fingers and counted.
"Two days ago, baka saru." Gojyo mercifully came to his rescue. "You're so dumb you can't even count." Or not.
"Why you ero kappa!" cried an outraged Goku.
"Shhhh….tone it down you two….you might wake Sanzo," warned Hakkai, throwing a worried glance at his sleeping companion.
"Why you ero kappa!" whispered Goku, heeding the warning.
"What's that you say? I can't hear you." Gojyo mocked, cocking his head.
"Why you ero kappa!" hissed Goku, a bit louder this time.
"Still can't hear you~~~" taunted Gojyo in a sing-song voice.
"Stupid horny water demon with cockroach hairstyle and meat bun face!" yelled Goku finally, unable to control himself.
"Why you cheeky little------"
Both froze as Sanzo stirred.
'Do you……'
'I know I know, do I want to know who I really am right?' Sanzo grumbled.
'Well, yes….'
'Idiot.'
'I HEARD that.'
Sanzo vociferated a string of flowery curses.
'Your vocabulary has obviously improved,' commented the irritating voice, impressed.
Sanzo grunted noncommittally.
'What the hell do you want with me? Why can't you just leave me alone? Go bother someone else. I'm too busy for all this shit.'
'Busy? What with?'
'None of your fucking business asshole.'
'You're only on a journey to the west….what's so busy about that?'
'YOU tell me. I have three stupid idiots traveling with me.'
'Idiots, but your friends nevertheless.'
'Who ever said they were my friends? We just travel together.'
A chuckle.
'You've always been the loner, Konzen. And I've always wondered…Why? Why remain on your own when there are so many willing to love you?'
'Because……because…..' he shook his head violently as the memory of his master flooded his mind.
Sanzo stirred.
The two of them froze, hearts pounding violently in the confines of their ribcage.
He continued to snooze on, oblivious to the panic he'd created.
"Damn bouzo…." Gojyo mused, the corners of his mouth tugging upwards.
"Maa…Sanzo made us worried for nothing!" complained Goku, falling back in his seat with relief.
Hakkai chuckled.
'Do you know, Sanzo? Do you know how we worry for you?'
"Kouryu…..the river drifter….." Koumyou Sanzo beamed down at him, his beautiful smile in place.
"Hai…." Sanzo looked down and away, embarrassed to meet the gaze of this pure soul.
"Such cruel things, children are," he continued, watching the young boy before him.
Sanzo shifted uncomfortably. "Oshou-sama…"
"Be strong, Genjo Sanzo."
Sanzo looked up. "Oshou-sama?"
"Be strong." And he had turned his head away, a sad smile playing on his lips. Sanzo hadn't understood what he'd meant, then. Why should he be strong? Wasn't he already strong enough?
It didn't take him too long to realize his meaning.
"Oshou-sama……" the horror was evident in his voice. He watched as his master's life slipped away before him. There was nothing he could do to save him. Nothing. He stood, his arms hanging numbly at his side, as the rain pelted down on the bloody mess before him.
He stood, his arms hanging uselessly at his side, as they spoke to him.
He stood, his arms hanging helplessly at his side, as he said his final goodbye.
Through it all, he watched with a painful detachment, as his master abandoned him.
And then he was alone.
They saw him as his master's murderer. They hadn't spoken, but no words needed to be said as he watched the guarded suspicion in their eyes. He heard their silent questions.
Why had his master chosen him? Him, Kouryu, the river drifter. Why was he the new High Priest?
Why did the demons attack only after he had been raised to his new responsibility?
It seemed suspicious, even to himself.
'I killed him,' he thought angrily. 'It wasn't the demons. It was me.'
'Konzen…..' the voice was gentle, sympathetic.
'Urusai.'
Silence.
Then, 'Konzen…..'
'Urusai. Leave me alone.'
'Konzen…'
'URUSAI!' he searched frantically for his gun, for his harisen, for anything, anything to take his mind away from the madness.
'Konzen, you can't run away forever.'
'URUSAI! I don't know who the fuck you are and I don't take orders from a faceless piece of shit!'
'Would you listen to me then if I showed myself?' asked the voice quietly.
Sanzo hesitated. He forced himself calm.
A deep breath and, 'No.'
'I guessed enough.' The faceless voice sighed. 'Advice isn't always easy to take, but you have to listen at least. Or you won't know if it's good for you.'
'I told you I don't take advice. From anyone. Especially not from you.'
'You're so stubborn.'
'So what if I am?' he challenged defiantly.
'It doesn't matter to me if you are, Konzen. I'm not the one who gets hurt. You are.'
'Liar.' He hissed furiously.
'Say what you want, you know I'm right.'
'LIAR.' His eyes flashed. The pain in his head was unbelievable. He tried to shut out his mind from the memories. The painful memories. And that voice. He didn't want to hear that voice anymore.
'Konzen……'
He screamed inwardly, trying to drown out the voice with his own.
'….you can't run away forever, Konzen.'
Why wouldn't the voice just shut up and leave him alone?
'URUSAI!!!!' he screamed into the suffocating darkness.
'…….you can't.'