Chapter Four: My Immortal
The soft whir of Misato's apartment door broke the silence of the night. As it slid shut behind her, she slumped into her living room chair and ceased to be the neat, clean NERV officer and reverted back to her depressed, sloppy, drunken self. The familiar crack of an opening beer can officially ended the work day.
She sighed and started drinking. "It's been a long day. Too much paperwork, not enough time. There's never enough time."
Misato turned on the television and started flipping through the channels. It was the same old boring stuff as any other late night. After a few minutes of searching for something good to watch, she figured that watching her own reflection could be, in this beer-soaked state of mind, just as entertaining.
I look terrible, she thought. I should probably do something about that. But that would require moving, and moving isn't something I'm in a hurry to do right now. A sound outside caused her to twitch a little and, finding nothing more than a bird on the ledge, look back to the reflective black screen.
What the hell? She blinked, and it was gone. That looked like Kaji.
Kaji, the reason for her existence until a few weeks ago. Kaji, that little piece of freedom from the paper prison she expanded daily. It was like he was there in the makeshift mirror of a TV, like he had returned somehow. But he hadn't; he couldn't. Kaji was gone forever. Because of me. I could have stopped it, I really could have. But I didn't, and now he's gone. She sunk deeper into the chair. I hate myself.
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
If you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
Misato allowed reality to cloud over and disappear. Half dreaming, she remembered the times they had together. The days at work, the nights at her place, the long walks home in between. All of those great memories that she'd hold forever, but no chances to create new ones. The realization of her loneliness' permanence cut through her heart like a frigid dagger.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
Do you remember that time, Kaji? she asked. When I managed to get you even more drunk than I was? I had to help you to just keep standing. You got so paranoid, convinced that everyone was plotting to destroy you. I think you actually yelped once. I was there to help you. I was always there for you. But then again, you were always there for me, through all the times I wandered home without knowing so much as my own name. You never gave up on me, Kaji. So why did I give up on you?
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
You know, she continued, I always looked forward to seeing you at the office. You made the day just a little bit better, no matter how good or bad it was. Life without you there just isn't the same. I'm in withdrawal. I try to push you aside, try to live life without needing you, but that only works during the day. As soon as night falls, here you are; like a splinter in my mind, driving me mad.
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice, it chased away all of the sanity in me
"Why won't you just go away?" she yelled aloud. "Every day I honor your memory, every day I live out thinking only of you, every day I try to just survive, and you keep draining my life away! Why? Why won't you just release me…"
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
The tears so long readied came pouring out with the sobs of regret, of pain, of isolation, and of knowing that it would never end. She would cry again, like she had done every night. She would moan and scream to be freed every night, but to no avail. Misato Katsuragi had chained herself to another, one she cared for deeply, and he had sunk under the surface. Those chains, born of passion and love, were now dragging her into the same world as Kaji. With her sense of self-preservation fighting her wish to be with her beloved, the ensuing struggle took its toll on her life. Every day the war zone inside her head grew more desolate, every day more ravaged. Every day a little piece of her just slipped away.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
"You're not real," she whimpered at the specter in the mirror. "You don't exist. You're gone. How do you stay with me when you're already dead? Why can't I get free?"
She stopped abruptly and realized the answer to all her questions had been right there in front of her face. "I can't get away from you because…I was never with you. I told myself that there was no me or you, just us…but I lied. I could never give myself away to another, relinquishing control like that. I had to live on my own. That's why I'm stuck here. That's why I can't ever truly be free. I've deluded myself into believing I'm with you. But I'm a liar." She leaned her tear-streaked face towards the ceiling. "Forgive me, Kaji."
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along
Seeing Misato's head fall and her sobbing body slowly grow still, Shinji retreated back behind the doorway. He had seen the whole thing; it was just one more memory he wished he didn't have.
"She's so sad," he whispered to himself. "I thought Kaji made her happy, but all that's come of their relationship is sadness. Is that all love is, some state of mind where you can ignore the pain afterward and live for the moment? But we live through all moments, both joyous and sad, both pleasant and painful. How could some fleeting, evanescent minute of careless pleasure make up for all the hours spent mourning its end?"
As he silently closed the door of his room and returned to bed, Shinji stared at the ceiling and thought. "Is it even worth trying?"
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me