Chapter Six: Tourniquet
Rei Ayanami fell onto the bed with the grace of an angel slain. And slain she was, not by bullet or blade but by the cruel, cutting apathy of a love denied.
The walk home from NERV had been a long one. Every car that passed seemed to have two occupants, every park bench was home to two lovers. Everything she saw reminded her of Shinji, and so much more the fact that she was forever separated from him.
Why does he fear me so? she asked herself. What have I done to invoke such hatred? I never offended him, never overstepped the boundaries of what little relationship there was. A pause. That must be my nature. I exist to bring sorrow and pain. There is no other place in this world for me. Perhaps, then, I will leave it.
The idea of suicide was not new to Rei. A hundred nights had entertained those thoughts, but every time they had faded away at the remembrance of Shinji. Her reason to go on, the young Ikari had provided her unknowingly with life-giving hope. His refusal had killed that hope, and Rei with it.
Searching her sparsely furnished apartment, Rei came to the sad excuse for a kitchen. On the counter sat a wooden block holding four polished knives, several of which had never been used. She took the one that appeared sharpest and proceeded to the bathroom.
The rusted metal handles on her bath seemed to reside in the same state as their owner. The entire room reeked of stagnant disrepair; actually, so did the rest of the apartment. As the tepid water began to pour out and fill the space around her naked body, Rei settled back and made herself as comfortable as she would ever be again.
A few short minutes later, she was immersed up to her neck. Rei cut off the flow of water and felt around for the knife placed somewhere on the broken tiled floor. As her hand came to rest on the blade she grasped it tightly and lifted it into the tub with her. A trickle of blood dripped off her palm; she dropped it, wincing. Why do I fear the pain? I should embrace it, for it is my salvation. Rei picked up the knife, gripped it firmly, and slashed along her left wrist.
The pain again...this time she welcomed it. It was more intensely discomforting than anything she had ever felt, and at the same time more comfortably intense. Blood pumped out from the diagonal tear, meeting the rhythm of her frail heart. Rei gazed to the ceiling and sliced open the other wrist.
I tried to kill the pain
But only brought more (so much more)
I lay dying and I am pouring
Crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?
Rei dropped the knife outside the tub and returned her arms to their resting places. A trail of red was left, having painted the bathroom with her essence. That crimson dye spread to the bath water and swirled down into the murky depths, never to return. Rei watched all of this with a detached interest.
It's strange, she thought, to be so fascinated by my own blood. It is always near, just beneath the skin, but to watch it emerge...it's so bright, so surreal. And red...the color I hate, yet the color of my freedom.
She laid her head upon the wall behind her and closed her eyes.
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
"I wonder...if Ikari will remember me," Rei said, breaking the suffocating silence. "And, if he will, for how long? But I suppose it doesn't matter. I was never able to believe in a Heaven. What is there after death for me but oblivion?" She opened her eyes to survey the damage: one wrist vein was cleanly cut, but the other one was a ragged gash, shredded. Blood everywhere.
"Maybe there is something after death. If so...will he be there? If I must live eternally in even the most perfect world, without Ikari it would be hell." As the water grew darker, Rei closed her eyes again. "I will know soon."
Do you remember me?
Lost for so long
Will you be on the other side
Or will you forget me?
I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?
Memories began to float into Rei's consciousness, demanding one last bit of use before they expired. People she knows...no, people she knew. Everything was past-tense now, another aspect of death Rei found strangely fascinating.
A vision implanted itself in her mind's eye: it was Shinji, asleep in his bed. Just like he is now, she thought, for it was just before midnight. He was curled up, clutching his pillow tightly, with an expression of turmoil worn into his face. This is my doing. He is sad because of me. It was good to do this...it is good to die.
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquetReturn to me salvation
Rei tried to lift her heavy eyes one last time and succeeded only partially. The dull lighting illuminated a dark red bathtub far more full than it had been half an hour ago, and as Rei saw it only one thought passed through her weary mind. I hope I am not making him sad. I hope this makes everything fine again. I hope that, for once in my life, I could do something of my own accord that is right.
Summoning her last reserves of strength, Rei lifted her gaze to the heavens. Her voice was weak, just a whisper punctuated by the unfamiliar splashing of tears.
"Shinji-kun...am I doing the right thing?"
And with that one last thought of her beloved, Rei closed her eyes forever.
My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied?Christ, tourniquet, my suicide.