Chapter Seven: Imaginary

Shinji's hand swatted blindly at the rectangular scream machine sitting beside his bed. After a few practice smacks he managed to hit it. The alarm shut off for a few more minutes, leaving him to think about all the thoughts swirling through his head. Most of them were I hate mornings.

Burrowing again under the covers, Shinji sunk back into a light sleep. As usual, he began to dream immediately. The sounds of reality all drained away and were replaced with the soft, even fall of a spring rain. It was relaxing...comforting.

Then, suddenly, the rain stopped. Looking up, Shinji saw a fiery dragon, screeching out its fabled battle cry: "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!"

Shinji opened his eyes and punched it in the face, sending it flying across the room. The cord connecting it to the wall had been severed, but he knew that, should he stay there longer, he'd be next on the chopping block; the NERV staff could be slightly over-punctual at times. Rising again, he cast aside the sheets and headed out his bedroom door to the rest of the world.

I linger in the doorway

Of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name

Let me stay where the wind still whispers to me

Where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story

In my field of paper flowers

And candy clouds of lullabye

I lie inside myself for hours

And watch my purple sky fly over me

The first set of doors opened as Shinji wandered into NERV's base of operations. Misato had left already, either to do some real work or to sulk in her office. Probably the sulking, he thought. The corridors were completely empty at this point; later on, Shinji knew, they'd be filled with technicians and scientists, doing their jobs and keeping up the usual string of coworker chat.

Going through the next doorway, Shinji saw them. Dozens of them, and all talking in low whispers as if keeping some guarded secret. As the doors closed with a heavy clank, every head in the room turned to stare blankly at Shinji. Sensing the palpable tension, he stopped immediately and looked around at the silent crowd. A few turned away, embarrassed at being caught staring; some kept watching. Most of them resumed their now-hurried talks with increased fervor and decreased volume.

Shinji kept walking, keeping one shifty eye on his audience and one on the door ahead. Making it through this last obstacle, he slumped to the wall and let out a deep breath of relief as the steel gates clicked shut. On the other side, all work stopped as the conversation grew louder.

What the hell is going on? he asked himself. They never even notice me, let alone talk about me. Why should they? Something's wrong...I'll ask Ritsuko.

Following the same path he had taken with Rei just yesterday, Shinji walked rather hastily to Dr. Akagi's office. He forced himself to keep looking ahead, to ignore those same stares from these different faces. By the time he arrived at that office, his hands were trembling. The door opened to Misato and Ritsuko, talking in the same hushed tone. On hearing him enter, both surprised faces turned to look at the topic of their conversation. "Shinji! ...What are you doing here?"

"What's going on?" he asked Misato. "Why is everyone acting so strange?"

The two looked at each other unsteadily, but said nothing.

"Tell me."

Ritsuko nodded to Misato, who stepped forward and took a seat in one of the chairs lining the wall. "Shinji...sit down."

"No more stalling. What's wrong?"

"Shinji, I..." She lowered her gaze to the floor, a pained look upon her face. "...It's Rei."

Shinji flinched. He gripped the arms of the chair tightly. "..W...What about Rei?"

"She..." Misato's voice broke. "I'm so sorry, Shinji."

"What is it!?" he yelled, his eyes already beginning to grow moist.

Misato closed her eyes, unable to bear the sight of her adoptive son's terrified expression. "Rei is dead."

Shinji's eyes opened wider; his jaw dropped in what could only be the feeling of pure, unrestrained horror. "No..."

Misato, still unable to look Shinji in the eyes, whispered softly, "I'm sorry, Shinji. I...I didn't want to have to tell you, but..."

"No..." He wiped the newly forming tears from his eyes. "I don't believe it. It can't be. She can't be dead. You're lying. You're lying!"

"Shinji..."

"No! Get away from me! Get away from me...you're...you're lying...she can't..."

"Shinji, please, listen to me..."

It was too late. The third child had already slammed the door behind him and began to run down the hall, toward nothing, toward anything. As long as he could get away from the truth, he could survive.

"Please...don't kill me..."

Don't say I'm out of touch

With this rampant chaos, your reality

I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge

The nightmare I built my own world to escape

In my field of paper flowers

And candy clouds of lullabye

I lie inside myself for hours

And watch my purple sky fly over me

Another door slid shut behind him. Shinji turned the lock, flicked off the lights and collapsed back into bed. Sliding completely under the blankets, he pulled the pillow down with him. Seconds later, the tears began to pour.

"Rei..." he sobbed. "Rei, why have you forsaken me? Why did you have to die? You did nothing wrong...I'd rather die than see you gone." A short silence, interrupted only by quick, shallow gasps of breath. "I think I loved you."

Sinking deeper into despair, Shinji let the darkness overtake him. Within minutes his chosen reality, his emotional fortress of dreaming, had formed again. It was exactly as it had always been; raindrops gently falling from a sky the color of Unit 01, sprawling lush plains, a thick forest to hide in, and no one anywhere to remind him of reality.

Shinji started toward the dark forest, but something stopped him. No sound, nothing that he saw, but he felt it. Behind him. He turned and gasped. There she was, standing atop a rolling hill in all her radiant beauty. The angel of the sea, his life, his salvation: Rei Ayanami.

Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming

Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights

Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming

The goddess of imaginary light

"Rei!" he called to her, but she moved not. "Rei...you're here."

She stood there, not talking, not moving, but continued to gaze upon Shinji with a face that spoke of sadness without equal . Shinji ran to her, but with every step she began to sink into the ground. He saw and ran faster; faster still she sank. With only a few yards left, Shinji dove to her with open arms, but to no avail. He landed on the grass, alone.

"Rei! Please don't leave me!" he screamed out into the void of his mind. For the first time, tears pervaded the shelter of Shinji's dream world. He fell upon his back and wept openly, watching the sky float past through eyes flowing with the tears of a soul utterly alone.

In my field of paper flowers

And candy clouds of lullabye

I lie inside myself for hours

And watch my purple sky fly over me.