Chapter Ten: My Last Breath
Since that afternoon, Shinji had done little beside tearfully mourning. When Asuka came home in a similar state, he instantly knew that she had been told. Her oft-repeated bouts of crying were worse than usual, and longer. Shinji thought he'd heard Rei's name nestled between the sobs, but then Shinji thought he'd heard and seen a lot more of Rei than existed anymore.
Day finally showed mercy and left; the sun dipped below the horizon and vanished. Shinji took some relief in the fact that he could get away at last, if only for a brief time. It had always been brief for him, but now Shinji would take anything he could get if it would let him escape the pain.
The sound from Asuka's bedroom had died down for now. Perhaps she's asleep, thought Shinji. Running away, just like me. But running is all I have left. Besides, it's always easier to run, always easier than to face the pain.
Thus began the nightly ritual. Shinji closed the door, turned off the lights, got into bed, and vanished. His body remained there, tossing and turning beneath the blankets, but the real Shinji was in another universe entirely: the world of paper flowers, purple skies, and Rei Ayanami.
Somewhere, in the dark void of nothingness, Rei stirred. Her eyes opened for the first time since her death and searched the horizon, but there was none to search. Just inky blackness in every direction. Returned to nothingness.
And then recalled to life. With an explosion of color and light, the world formed again. The blurry images swirling before her coalesced into recognizable objects: a table, a door, a bed...
And Shinji. Rei's nonexistent eyes widened in awe. She was back. Yet something felt odd, unusual. She looked down and noticed herself floating several feet above the carpeted floor. I'm..still dead. Without a body, yet I see one. It must then be what I expect to see, and therefore I see it. Without the constraints of a body, if I expect to be able to, then I can.
With these thoughts fresh in her mind, Rei landed softly on the carpet, kneeled down, and touched Shinji's forehead. The unconscious boy breathed in deeply and grew still as Rei entered his mind.
It's snowing, thought Shinji. It never snows in here.
But it was. Soft white crystals floated from the lavender clouds and were escorted by the breeze to encircle the tall, branching trees of the dense temperate forest nearby. The childhood wonder at seeing such a spectacular natural show brought a faint smile to Shinji's face for exactly as long as it took to remember why he was here. A snowflake landed on his cheek and quickly melted, absorbed into the thin strand of water already forming there. "Rei..."
"Shinji."
Even before he turned around, even before he saw her, he knew she was there. Her presence so overwhelming was that just to be near her again felt intoxicating. None of the other dreams were like this.
"Because I was never in them."
You can read my mind.
"We are in your mind. All that is within is connected. You, me, the trees and the sky, in here we are all one mind."
You said you were never in the other dreams.
"Correct."
Does that mean that what I see now is really you?
"Correct. In any other dreams you had, the Rei you saw there was merely the Rei that existed in your mind: a memory, a concept. But I am."
You are what?
"I am. I exist. I know that I exist; I think, and therefore I am."
Rei... Shinji struggled to remain collected and calm. "Rei, I miss you so much."
"But you hate me."
Shinji recoiled, shocked more than he was even in Ritsuko's office. "Hate you? No...Rei, I could never hate you."
"But in the Evangelions, during our synchronization test. Our minds were one, and you feared me."
"I feared being so close so soon," Shinji said. "I feared being unprepared. I feared...I feared hurting you."
"You shouldn't. I am expendable. An asset to be used and discarded."
Instantly he was holding her. "No, Rei. Don't ever say that. Because that's a lie. You've probably been told that every day of your life, that you were meaningless. But that's just not true. You mean everything to me."
For the first time in as long as Rei could remember, she was speechless. A long silence passed as she stared down at Shinji's chest. A heart beat there, she knew, but could it hold feelings for me?
Suddenly, Rei looked up into the sky. "We have little time left. You are beginning to wake."
"No!" exclaimed Shinji. "I won't lose you again!"
"It is...all right. I am not afraid anymore. I have been there, and..."
"But I'm afraid, Rei. When I lost you, I lost everything. I can't let that happen again." He choked back a sob. "Please, Rei...please don't leave me again."
Shinji lowered his head and closed his eyes, trying to push away the loss, but trying to keep its cause. Then something happened that couldn't happen. It was impossible. It denied every law and principal that the First Child operated on. Yet it did, for when Shinji looked up again he felt Rei's arms holding him tight. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words could express what he felt then. Shinji just reached his arms around her and held Rei close as the tears upon his cheek turned to tears of joy.
Hold on to me, love
You know I can't stay long
All I wanted to say was I love you
And I'm not afraid
Can you hear me?
Can you feel me in your arms?
Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
Are all my thoughts of you
Sweet raptured light
It ends here tonight
After a blissful eternity, Rei looked over Shinji's shoulder. "There. To the forest. If we can alter the dream's environment, keeping your mind busy, you may be able to delay waking."
She didn't have to tell him twice. The two began walking quickly toward the nearest line of trees, ignoring the omnipresent snow completely. The short time between departure and arrival passed silently. As the first of the massive wooden pillars passed behind them, Shinji asked, "Is this far enough?"
"Yes, it should be. Though I am unsure; I am new to this concept myself."
"Rei...will I ever see you again?"
"You mean after the dream is over? I...I don't know. Perhaps. You called me here, summoned my soul with your thoughts. So I came." Her voice fell. "But you had tried before unsuccessfully...this may be the last time I can return."
"I can't lose you, Rei. I just can't. Without you, I have no reason to keep on living. If I could never see you again, never be with you again...I just couldn't go on."
"I...I wish I knew what to do."
Shinji sighed. "So do I, Rei. But enough about the future. You were my future, and you're here now. And for now...this is enough. Here, with you, I'm happy. I've never felt like this."
"Yes..." said Rei. "It is...a good feeling." She pressed her hand to his chest. "I can feel you. And that is the best thing I have ever felt."
I'll miss the winter
A world of fragile thingsLook for me in the white forest
Hiding in a hollow tree (Come find me)
I know you hear me
I can taste it in your tears
Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
Are all my thoughts of you
Sweet raptured light
It ends here tonight
For a moment it seemed as if the unshakeable Rei Ayanami was about to smile. But then her hand did something it wasn't supposed to: it went through Shinji. Gasping slightly, Rei recoiled, and the hand came back out. Shinji looked down and saw nothing changed except for Rei. First, her arm; then her body; then her face began to disappear. Patches of remaining visibility wafted over all of her, and in a quickly fading voice, Rei spoke her last.
"Shinji...I'm so sorry..."
And then she was gone, along with the rest of Shinji's perfect world. The snow-covered grass gave way to carpet, the skies turned to white paint, and all that was left was one room, one person, and one scream of torment at seeing it all taken away.
Closing your eyes to disappear
You pray your dreams will leave you here
But still you wake and know the truth
No one's there
Shinji fell on his back, unable to move, too deep in despair even to cry. If he had looked at the clock, he would have seen it telling him that it wasn't even past eleven yet, that he had another seven or eight hours to go of lying and waiting and hating life before he had to rise and face it again. But he didn't look. All he did was stare at the all-too-familiar ceiling and wish that it would fall and crush him, or that by some stroke of luck he'd drop dead for no reason at all. But he had no such luck.
As he lay there, another entity watched him. An intangible, invisible angel of the sea, her soul staying with him long after her body had left. She watched, and she waited, and she wished that she could help him somehow. All she could do was pray that he somehow survive.
Say goodnight
Don't be afraid
Calling me, calling me
As you fade to black
Shinji had other plans. Without blinking, barely breathing, he rose from the bed and silently walked out of his room, out of his apartment, and out of his building. Rei watched him as he trudged through the streets, half-asleep, towards her old apartment. She was still joined with him somehow. She knew he would go there. And she knew exactly what he would do.
Rei closed her eyes. When she opened them again, she was in NERV, deep underground. An eerie orange glow emanated from a semicircular tank full of LCL...and something else. Stepping through the glass walls, Rei looked inside. Another Rei looked back.
It blinked. Rei blinked. It reached for her. Rei reached out and touched its expressionless face. A flash of light caused Rei to blink again, and when her eyes opened this time, she felt real eyes. She hesitantly touched the glass edge of the tank...and felt it, too. With unusual strength, Rei brought back her arm and plunged it through. Orange fluid burst out of the hole, pulling more and more glass with it. Rei stepped through and on to solid ground.
(Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
Are all my thoughts of you
Sweet raptured light
It ends here tonight
Holding my last breath)
And as Shinji prepared to take his last breath, Rei took her first and began the run home.