By starstuck & Tuvok Pi Alpha
Note: This story is purely parody. Don't take written here seriously . . . or you'll regret it.
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling's.
***
Draco: (to the tune of the theme from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone) La la la la la la la la, la la la Draco's World! La la la la la la LA LA LA, la la la Draco's World!
Draco: Hi! This is Draco's World! Yeah! Say hello, Dorothy!
Draco points to an owl in a fish tank.
Draco: Draco is not very happy to see you today, and wishes you would go away, but while you're here . . . guess what Draco's thinking about today!?
The portrait behind Draco bursts open and piles of money pour through, successfully burying Draco. Draco's head pops out of the mountain of coins.
Draco: That's right! MONEY! Draco likes money! Draco has lots and lots of money! Money is so shiny. But how can Draco find out MORE about money?
Draco puts his hand on his chin, looking strangely pensive.
Draco: Draco could ask Miss Granger, but Draco doesn't like her.
A maniacal gleam comes into Draco's eyes.
Draco: Draco knows! Draco can ask Crabbe and Goyle how they make money! Ha ha ha!
Draco pulls a cover off a nearby painting with flair. The painting appears to be a solid green background surrounded by a huge silver frame. There is a poignant pause.
Draco: CRABBE! GOYLE! WHERE ARE YOU??? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE PAINTING RIGHT NOW!! YES, NOW!! WHERE ARE YOU, YOU IDIOT LUGS???
Draco pauses, looks straight at the camera, and sticks out his lower lip.
Draco: [wailing] Draco didn't mean to! Draco is so sorry, Crabbe and Goyle!
Camera Muggle Guy: We told you not to look at the camera, Draco.
Draco: Oh. Look!
Draco points to the painting.
Draco: Crabbe and Goyle are here now!
Sure enough, two rather . . . erm, large . . . boys are standing in front of the green background, staring at . . . nothing.
Draco: Crabbe and Goyle, how do you make money?
Crabbe and Goyle, in the painting, stare at Draco dumbly. A pause.
Draco: CRABBE! GOYLE!!
A light bulb pops above Crabbe's head. Crabbe whispers something in Goyle's ear.
Crabbe and Goyle: Heh heh heh.
Moments pass. Draco opens his mouth to yell at Crabbe and Goyle again, but then they begin to move.
Draco: Crabbe? Goyle? What are you doing?
Crabbe and Goyle, in unison, rise higher and higher for no apparent reason. Their hands go above their heads and make a circle shape. Slowly, Crabbe and Goyle turn around and around. Suddenly, the begin to leap and prance and twirl and –
Draco: CRABBE! GOYLE! WHAT THE HELL – uh, I mean – WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DING? WHAT DOES BALLET HAVE TO DO WITH MONEY?? Uh . . . I mean . . .
Draco & Multiple Annoying Voices: That's not how you make money, Crabbe and Goyle. That's ballet! Try again!
Crabbe and Goyle stop mid-twirl, and stand on one foot, staring at Draco with their mouths open. They stare for an eternity at Draco, who gets more exasperated by the second. Finally, a light bulb pops above Goyle's head. Goyle whispers something in Crabbe's ear.
Crabbe and Goyle: Heh heh heh.
Crabbe and Goyle walk out of the picture and reappear, in extremely large maid outfits. They prance around the portrait with little feather dusters, cleaning everything in sight. Dust is flying everywhere, and . . .
Draco: NO, NO, THAT'S NOT RIGHT!! YOU DON'T WORK FOR MONEY, YOU BIG, BLUSTERING, IDI – I mean, uh,
Draco & Multiple Annoying Voices: That's not right, Crabbe and Goyle! Try again!
Crabbe and Goyle, frustrated, sit down in two chairs that have appeared below them in royal crayon scribblyness. They stare into space, attempting to do the almost impossible: think.
Draco: That's right! You finally got something right, you big, stupid, lugs! You sit and wait for your fathers to send you money!
Multiple Annoying Voices: That's not right, Crabbe and Goyle! Try again!
Draco: It is so right. That's how I make money.
Camera Muggle Guy: Draco . . .
Draco: Fine. I was wrong. Sue me.
Simultaneously, light bulbs pop above both Crabbe's head and Goyle's head. They are in a scribbly courtroom, and Draco is with them (although he is still standing in front of the painting as well). Suddenly the judge hits his desk with his scribbled hammer, and money falls from the ceiling on top of Crabbe and Goyle.
Draco: NOO! THAT'S NOT RIGHT, YOU IDIOTS, YOU DON'T SUE . . .
But Draco's screams are drowned out by multiple annoying voices.
Multiple Annoying Voices: That's right, Crabbe and Goyle! You sue Malfoy! Very good!
Draco pouts. Camera Muggle Guy glares at him, and Draco gives him a cold, penetrating stare before putting on a happy face.
Draco: Ha ha hee hee! Silly Crabbe and Goyle! Now, what is money and what isn't?
Crabbe and Goyle leave the portrait, and a scrolling marquee of various objects appear.
Draco: Knuts are money, but they're not worth much! Wands aren't money! Galleons are money! But caldrons aren't money, nooo! 5 dollar bills aren't money, ha ha h- I mean, they are money! Sickles are money, too! Ha ha ha!
Draco suddenly peals over laughing.
Draco: Now that is funny! Ha ha ha! I mean, uh, NO, Weasleys aren't money! Now, Dorothy -
Draco gestures to the owl in a fish tank again.
Draco: wants to ask someone else how they make money now.
The scene changes to the luxurious interior of the Slytherin common room. Draco is no longer visible, but "Dorothy" is. A girl is sitting next to the tank. A neon sign above her head reads "Blaise Zabini".
Blaise: This is how I make money, Dorothy!
Blaise appears in the exact same scribbly courtroom as Crabbe and Goyle before her. Draco is, again, visible. The judge hits the hammer in the exact same matter and money falls from the ceiling onto Blaise.
The scene changes back to the Slytherin common room, only this time, the neon sign reads "Pansy Parkinson".
Pansy: This is how I make money, Dorothy!
Pansy appears in the exact same scribbly courtroom as Crabbe, Goyle, and Blaise before her. Draco is, again, visible. The judge hits the hammer in the exact same matter and money falls from the ceiling onto Pansy.
The scene changes back to the Slytherin common room, only this time, the neon sign reads "Malcom Baddock". And a boy is sitting in the chair next to Dorothy's fish tank, not a girl.
Malcom: This is how I make money, Dorothy!
Malcom appears in the exact same scribbly courtroom as Crabbe, Goyle, Blaise, and Pansy before him. Draco is, again, visible. The judge hits the hammer in the exact same matter and money falls from the ceiling onto Malcom.
Draco's Voice: Draco wants Dorothy to ask someone who won't sue Draco.
The scene changes back to the common room, but this time, Hermione Granger sits in the comfy armchair next to the owl in the fish tank.
Hermione: What the . . .?
Draco's Voice: GRANGER?? YOU'RE ASKING GRANGER, DOROTHY??
Hermione: Malfoy?
Draco's Voice: WHY ARE YOU ASKING THE STUPID MUD – . . . I mean, how do you make money, Granger?
Hermione: Oh, yes, you really need pointers from me, Malfoy. And even if you did, I wouldn't tell you.
Hermione stands up and promptly leaves the Slytherin common room.
Draco: Um. That went well.
Camera Muggle Guy walks over to Draco and whispers something in Draco's ear.
Draco: WHAT THE HEL – CK? WHAT DO BABIES KNOW ABOUT MAKING MONEY??
Camera Muggle Guy: Just do it, Draco.
Draco: Right. Now. Draco is going to ask a baby.
Draco walks along for about three feet until a baby comes into view. The baby is sitting in a high chair, banging spoons. Draco stands as far apart from the baby as possible when they are both in camera view.
Draco: Hi, uh, baby! How do you make money?
The baby stares at Draco. Then gurgles and laughs.
Draco: [under his breath] Wonderful bit of insight, there.
Draco: Thank you, baby.
Draco crosses his arms and pouts as he walks away from the baby. Camera Muggle Guy's foot comes into view, and he kicks Draco, who perks up immediately.
Draco: Now let's count how many galleons Draco has! Ha ha ha!
Galleons begin to scroll across the screen.
Draco: One . . . two . . . three . . . four . . . five . . . six . . . seven . . . eight . . . nine . . . ten . . . eleven . . . twelve . . . thirteen . . . fourteen . . . fifteen . . . sixteen . . . seventeen . . . eighteen . . . nineteen . . .
Camera Muggle Guy whispers something in Draco's ear.
Draco: But . . . oh, fine. Draco is NOT going to finish counting! Ha ha ha! Look – Dorothy!
Suddenly, a scribbly thought bubble appears above the owl in the fishtank's head. In it, Draco is pictured, appearing and standing in the exact same matter as the "real" Draco.
Draco: [in an odd, echoing voice] Ha ha ha! Dorothy is imagining that Draco is filthy rich!
The thought bubble Draco appears to be speaking the same words and making the same movements as the real Draco.
Draco: [in an odd, echoing voice] Not that Draco needs it.
The speech bubble changes to a Draco being showered by money, which is, once again, falling from the ceiling.
Draco: Ha ha ha! Dorothy is imagining Draco making more money! Thank you, Dorothy! Now – Draco is going to watch THE MONEY CHANNEL! Ha ha ha!
A TV appears next to Draco. Draco stares at it for a few seconds.
Draco: Uh, how do you turn it on?
Camera Muggle Guy: What?
Draco: How do you turn it on?
Camera Muggle Guy: You press the on button.
Draco: The what?
Camera Muggle Guy: The on button!
Draco: Which on button?
Camera Muggle Guy: Oh, nevermind!
The TV disappears.
Draco: Draco is NOT going to watch THE MONEY CHANNEL. But Draco wanted to know more about money. So he made a video of getting money from the bank with THIS CAMERA!
Draco forces a very obviously fake camera into the real camera's view. The screen changes to show a dark Grigotts corridor. Draco's fingers are visible at the edge of the screen. The cart is going bumpity and Draco is screaming.
Draco: Auuuugh! Stop! Get Me OFF! No, STOP IT!! I HATE Gringott's carts!! Grrrrrr! Auggh!
The camera goes back to Draco standing in the corridor.
Draco: [muttering to himself] Why did we have to show that? [perking up] Draco wants to know EVEN MORE about money!
Man-Sized Galleon: Then why don't you ASK some money?
Draco: You're not money. You're Camera Muggle Guy in a Galleon suit.
Man-Sized Galleon: Ahem.
Draco: I mean. Yeah. So, Man-Sized Galleon, what do you know about money?
Man-Sized Galleon: Money is good.
Draco: Is that all?
Man-Sized Galleon thinks for a moment.
Man-Sized Galleon: Yeah.
Draco: Everyone knows money is good! But then, I suppose that was very insightful for a Man-Sized Galleon.
Man-Sized Galleon: Harumph.
Man-Sized Galleon walks away looking indignant.
Draco: [under his breath] This is ridiculous. I better be getting paid a LOT for this. [changes back to Perky!Draco] Now, let's sing a song about money!
Draco: (once again to the tune of the theme from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone) Mon mon mon mon mon mon mon eyyyyy, mon mon mon mon-un-ey! Mon mon mon mon mon mon MON MON MON mon mon mon mon uh ey!
[fade out]
Voice of Snape: Draco's world was funded by the letter M, and the number 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 . . . ect, ect.
REVIEWS 333
Professor Smith1
*laughs until the nice men in the white coats come to take her
away*
funy! more more more!
Little-Bit6
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!*gasps* so...histaricly...funny!*goes off into laughing fit again*
Princess Perfect
Oh my gosh, that was so funny! I loved that! It's so cute. It totally suits Draco.
gahhh!!!!
ROTFLMAO! oh gawd *wipes tear from eye* i am gonna share this story with all my friends. keep it up!
Noriko M. Chijinu
LMAO! DUDE! THAT WAS HILARIOUS!
hahahaha royal crayon scribblyness!
hahahahaha and the man-sized galleon!
hehehehehe ahahahahahaha hohohohohoho
*puff puff* must breathe...
hehehehe Snape rules! by the letter M... *goes off to the background laughing*
Clarinet Elf Chick
This is gold.
*Draco's World was funded by the letter M...*
LOL
now a fan of you
*gasps for air from laughing so hard* honest to god you are gifted. you have GOT TO write sum more stories like that!! omg that was so hilarious!! omg!!
We love you all. POST MORE... yeah... reposting this somewhere else makes us review hungry.