For the Love of...
Chapter Two: The New World
June 2003
He was sure it was meant to feel better than this. They had just saved the world.
Again.
But no matter how many times Xander Harris kept repeating that to himself, it did little to fill the hole he was feeling inside.
It was a fine, if a little hot sunny day in Los Angeles. The sort of day that should make you feel vibrant, ready to enjoy whatever came along. But at that very moment, sitting in a Coffee shop a mile or so down the road from the Hyperion Hotel, Xander didn't feel much at all.
He reached down and brought the mug to his lips. Sucking in slightly he took a sip, sending the bitter taste of coffee across his taste buds, then down his throat.
"Ahh, the sweet hit of caffeine. Just what I need," Xander told himself, as he placed the mug back down on the table, wishing that the coffee would be all that he needed. The warmth from the summer sun, combined with the heat from his beverage, had succeeded in raising Xander's own internal temperature to the point where beads of sweat were starting to drip down from his forehead. He grabbed a napkin and wiped the beads away.
He watched people go about there everyday life as he took another sip. The population of Los Angeles seemed to have recovered swiftly after being released from Jasmine's thrall. The initial depression and feelings of loss had evaporated just as soon as most people remembered what they had in their real lives. He sat there for a while, simply studying the people as they went about their business. They all seemed like they had places to go, things to do.
He envied them that.
He never thought it would feel like this. Victory. It was meant to be sweet, wasn't it? The bitter taste of his coffee as he took another sip, felt a heck of a lot sweeter to him than how his life felt at present.
He'd said goodbye to many friends over the years in Sunnydale. His other childhood friend along with Willow, Jesse, had died almost as soon as he'd discovered the truth of the Hellmouth's particular nightlife. From then an almost a constant string of friends, or acquaintances passed away as Buffy and the Scoobies, of various sizes, fought for what they believed was right. Some affected him deeply. Joyce, Mother to Buffy and Dawn, and the one female adult in his life that actually seemed to care, died of natural causes. It was a cruel irony that made it even harder to accept in some ways. Where as Tara Maclay was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.
It hurt still to remember them both.
Then there were the various Slayers in Training that had arrived on the doorstep of Revello Drive over the last six months. Some he'd barely known. Others like Molly and Amanda had almost become his friends.
But he wondered if by then he'd become immune to it all.
Anya. His ex-fiancee, current off and on lover, friend, confidant.
They'd held a memorial service for them all a few days after they'd arrived in Los Angeles. He'd spent some time remembering all of his friends. Too many had died. He was certain of that.
But why was he okay with it all. He thought of Anya and it hurt, but not the crippling hurt when Joyce died, or the aching pain at seeing Tara's body, or the total disbelief at seeing Jesse turn to dust.
Anya died, and yet he could drink his mug of coffee without breaking down.
And he hated himself for it.
In the two weeks, since they'd been in LA a lot of things had already changed. The group of survivors that had fled the town of Sunnydale before it turned into a great big crater had been diminished somewhat since that first day when they surprised the heck out of Angel. Xander couldn't help but smile at the memory of the look on the vampire's face, before he quickly pulled Buffy aside to ask what the heck she was doing. They'd returned a few minutes later and were all assigned rooms. It was rather fortunate that Angel had a hotel.
There were wounded to take care of. A number of the Slayer's had suffered injuries to varying degrees, as well as Robin and Andrew. Then there were families to call, to reassure that they were safe. There were also families to call to advise of the passing of their daughters. He could see the weight that duty put on Giles's shoulder.
And then a day after the memorial service, they started to disperse. Most of the slayers wanted to go home. Now stronger and safe, in the short term at least, he couldn't begrudge them that. Some of them lived in adjoining states, while others had to travel to various countries.
Andrew had seemed a little apprehensive about telling them all he was leaving. Xander wondered if Andrew was worrying about whether Buffy would let him go. But there was no indecision there. He had an Aunt who wanted him to live with her and her family in Colorado. Xander was sure everyone hoped that Andrew could make something of his life.
Xander was certain he was brave enough to do so.
Then it was Willow's turn to talk to the rest of them. He wasn't all that surprised that she and Kennedy wanted to spend some time together, nor that Kennedy wanted to go home and see her family. But the quickness of it all did surprise him a little. But leave they did just yesterday.
And now there was just seven of them left. Buffy, Dawn, Giles, Faith, Robin, Choa-Ahn, Selina and himself.
In two days time it would be four, as Faith, Robin and the other two new slayers were heading to Cleveland to see what was up in that city.
"Xan?"
He couldn't help but smile. The voice was like music to his ears. He really didn't know how hard these last two weeks had been if it wasn't for her. He looked up, bringing his hand up to block the sun from shining into his eye.
"Hey Dawnie," he replied, motioning to her to take a seat. "What's up?"
She shrugged, half looking at the menu in an attempt to hide the fact she was studying him closely. "Just thought I'd grab a drink, saw you sitting here," she replied non-chalantly.
Xander raised his eyebrow. "And you came to this coffee-shop because..."
Dawn flashed him one of her patented smiles, and Xander was sure butter would remain rock hard in her mouth. "Just lucky, I guess," she told him. She knew she'd been found out, but didn't care.
As her lips moved and separated arching into the warm smile that she liked to give him, Xander could feel himself feeling better almost immediately. He could actually feel his guilt dispersing with each word she spoke in his company, and before long he found himself laughing along with her.
And even as he did, he knew he'd hate himself even more, once she was gone.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
No matter how many times, Xander walked through the corridors of Wolfram and Hart, he never got over how weird it was to find that Angel and his crew were in charge of this huge building. The mere fact that they kept Cordelia there, instead of in a hospital was the biggest indicator just how massive their resources now were.
He just wished that it would do some good for her.
It was such a cold place. Nothing like she would've liked, Xander thought. At least they'd brought in some flowers and the sheets weren't the sterile white colour usually found in hospitals. But one thing he was sure of was Cordelia would've hated this room.
He could scarcely believe it when he was told that his former highschool girlfriend was in some sort of mystical coma and they had no idea when, or even if, she'd get better. Seeing the looks on Angel, Gunn and Fred's faces was enough to tell him not to sound off any of his own questions. He was certain they'd done plenty of that themselves over the last few weeks, since they'd found her.
At least, with their newfound wealth, or at least resources behind them, they were certain she was getting the best of care. He just wished they'd liven up the room.
He'd started coming to see Cordelia almost daily, ever since he'd found out. Not that he thought it actually did anything for her. In a way it did a lot for him. There was a four-year gap in their friendship, but she was a former girlfriend, and visiting with her, gave him something to do.
She was also an incredibly good listener. Well she'd have to be, Xander realised, considering she couldn't interrupt him, or better yet, judge him.
It was what he really needed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Where's Xander?"
The sound of the teenager's voice turned both Gunn and Angel's head towards the doorway of their office.
"I think he's visiting Cordelia," Angel replied. He noticed the slightly disappointed look that crossed Dawn's eyes. "We're about to head to the office. You can come with us, if you'd like?"
Dawn shook her head. "That's okay. Thanks anyway," she replied before turning and walking out into the foyer of the Hyperion Hotel. Gunn looked over at Angel who shrugged slightly in response, before getting back the to the plans they were going over.
It wasn't that Dawn begrudged the fact that Xander liked to visit his ex-girlfriend each day. Far from it. It was just that over the last few days, he'd seemed a little distant, and she wished that he would just talk to her. Finding out he was gone again, meant she couldn't do that.
She walked over to the staircase, and was about to step up, when the voices of Giles and her sister, came wafting down. The persons themselves followed soon after.
"Hey guys," Dawn called to them, as she went to pass.
"Dawn, could we talk to you for a moment?" Giles asked, holding out his hand to stop her movement up the stairs. He then gently guided her, till she turned around and led her over to the seats in the middle of the foyer.
She let herself be led, wondering what was so urgent. She hadn't seen a lot of Giles or Buffy in the last few days. But that was as much her fault as anything, as between her own stuff, and being with Xander she'd had scarce free time.
She took her seat and waited for them to start. There was a moment of silence, and she looked from Buffy to Giles. She could see on both of their faces some sort of apprehension and that in itself did little to calm her own nerves for whatever it was they wanted to say.
She decided to start, instead of waiting. "What's up?" she asked brightly, hoping that it was a good thing they had to say.
She noticed that both Buffy and Giles looked at each other briefly, seemingly trying to get the other one to be the one to ask. It wasn't the sign that Dawn was really hoping for. She was about to ask again, when Giles talked first.
"How would you feel about moving to England?" he asked, a little delicately.
Whoa, England. That was not what Dawn was expecting. Strangely enough the first thing that ran through her mind was relief. There was a small part of her that feared that Buffy would want to head to Cleveland. As much as Buffy had always seemed to protest her want of a normal life, and how much of a burden being the chosen one was, Dawn also knew that there was a huge part of her, that felt like she belonged in the fight. She felt that in all of the gang. She knew that Faith and the others were leaving for Cleveland soon, and she had to admit she was happy to see Buffy deciding to do something different.
But after that was the total confusion about when moving to England became even a possibility. Moving to another country seemed like such a big thing. It wasn't like just moving house, or changing schools.
School? Didn't she have to go to school in a few months?
What about their friends? Or more in particular, one friend.
It was also obvious to her that this decision wasn't just made today.
"When was this decided?" she asked.
Buffy looked apprehensive as she answered. "Giles and I have been talking about it for the last few days, but we only really decided this morning."
"So, if I decide to stay, you are going to be fine with that?" Dawn asked, not really needing an answer. There was no way Buffy would let that happen.
"Technically you're still under my care, Dawn. I couldn't just leave you," Buffy stated.
Dawn just shook her head. It was maddening to her that she wasn't being considered an equal yet again. "So I really have no choice then? Why did you even bother to ask me?"
Giles could see that it was getting out of hand, and felt the need to say something. "What I would like is for you and Buffy to come back to England for a holiday. Enjoy the summer, god knows you both deserve it."
At that there was no argument.
"Remember when I said I wanted to show you the world?" Buffy asked. "Well now I can, well at least the British part."
Dawn had to admit to herself that it didn't sound like the worst plan in the world.
"And there will be much more to discuss, but over that time, you can decide if you and Buffy wish to stay and for yourself, finish your education in England." Giles paused a little, and then decided to tell Dawn more than he and Buffy had originally discussed. "Whatever you decide, I have to return. There are duties I have to perform. The Watchers Council needs to be rebuilt, the many Slayers that Willow activated by performing the spell, need to be found and helped. It falls to me to look after that."
"And to me to help," Buffy added looking at Dawn. "It needs to be done."
"So you're joining the Watcher's Council?" Dawn asked.
Buffy shook her head slightly. "Not exactly. But I will be part of it. I want to make sure that the Slayers have an easier time and get the support they deserve."
"The Watchers Council won't be like it was, Dawn. There will be many changes," Giles told her, and seeing that Dawn was about to ask another question he added, "however that can be discussed at another time."
Dawn shut her mouth, a little disappointed. Her interest was definitely peaked by whatever changes there would be in the new Watcher's Council.
"Where would I go to school?" Dawn asked.
"We would have to work that out, but whatever you choose, it will be catered for." Giles couldn't resist a smile, when adding, "The Watchers Council has a fortune in monetary reserves and I believe it is about time that money was spent on something worthwhile."
Dawn frowned at the news. "How will you get your hands on it?"
"Well, lets just say that between Willow and I, we were able to arrange my sole access to the accounts."
Neither Buffy nor Dawn could help laughing at this. "I wish you'd been in charge these last few years," Buffy quipped.
"Well, yes, the old ways were rather unhelpful in those circumstances. But that's one thing that we will be changing."
The small bit of annoyance Dawn had felt at being left out of whatever preliminary discussions that were had by Giles and Buffy, had evaporated away at the thought of what they were discussing. She totally understood Buffy wanting to be a part of making the Slayer's lives easier, making sure the hell she went through on occasions was never foisted onto another. And the whole idea of going to England for a holiday sounded really neat.
There was just one thing nagging at the back of her mind. Something that came very clearly into focus as the front door to the Hotel opened and Xander walked in.
Seeing him walk in, she couldn't help but smile. She knew that he saw it, as he walked straight over to where she was sitting and took a seat next to her.
"So what's up today?" he asked.
"Trying to decide if I want to go to England," Dawn replied. She liked that she could talk about this with him. "What did you decide?"
It didn't take long for Dawn to realise she'd made a mistake. She'd never thought?
"Oh, sorry," she said, turning back to face Giles and Buffy, anger written clearly on her features. Sure getting angry at them may not be logical, but it sure masked the embarrassment she felt.
"Umm, I haven't been asked," Xander replied quietly, before getting up and walking up the stairs in silence.
As soon as he was out of sight, Dawn let out the one question that had been on her mind. "What the hell? Why haven't you spoken to Xander?"
"We wanted to talk to you first, Dawn. After all you're my sister," Buffy replied, obviously uncomfortable at Dawn's accusations. If she thought her words would placate the brunette, she was to be rather surprised.
"But you've been discussing this for a couple of days, and talking about re-building the Watcher's Council, and I'm not talking about with wood and a hammer. Why haven't you been speaking to Xander?"
At least they both had the good grace to look ashamed, Dawn thought as she noticed the look on both of their faces. "You've got to be kidding me," she said in disbelief.
"I do plan to speak to Xander, Dawn. I didn't just ignore him, but Buffy and I had other things to talk about first," Giles told her. "We wanted to talk to you first."
"I suppose I should feel happy about that," she said, not really feeling that at all. "Talk to him," she told them, getting up and then almost running up the stairs to where Xander had disappeared a short time ago.
Giles and Buffy watched her go, before turning to each other. "Do you think Xander will go for it?" Buffy asked.
"Well judging by what I just saw, I doubt Dawn will, if he doesn't." Giles paused for a moment, wondering how to put the next question. "Is Xander and Dawn...involved?" He didn't think so, but the way she'd just acted he did wonder.
Buffy however had no such indecisions. She laughed a little, almost not believing Giles could ask her such a question. "They're really not," she told him, in between giggles, before calming down. "They are very close. I think Dawn thinks of Xander has her big brother. And you're right, I do think it will hurt her really bad if he doesn't come with us."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Wiping away some of the steam that had gathered on the mirror, Xander stared at himself after exiting the shower. He winced as he looked at the hole in his head, where his left eye used to be. He didn't blame anyone. Accidents and injuries were a part of the life he'd chosen to do. But it was a constant reminder of the final battle of Sunnydale. While it didn't occur on the final day, it was a testament to what they had lost.
His self-anger had grown even more in the last few days. It pissed him off no end that no one seemed to be really mourning the loss of not just Anya, but all the others. Even including, though he loathed admitting it, Spike.
But what pissed him off most was that he felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world.
He adjusted the eye patch so that if fit comfortably in place, then wrapped a towel around his waist and opened the door to his room. He hadn't gotten far, only about one foot, when he came to a sudden halt.
Dawn. Dawn was in his room. Dawn was in his room, and he only had a towel on.
And she had noticed.
That smile was definitely wicked, he'd decided, before gathering his courage he strode forward and announced. "Do you want to go out for a couple of minutes while I get changed?"
"Oh spoil all my fun," she joked, only half being truthful. She walked outside and closed the door behind her. Leaning back against it, she couldn't get the image of Xander out of her head. It so pre-occupied her thoughts that she didn't even notice the passage of time, and when Xander opened the door she fell backwards only to be caught in his arms.
"Oops, sorry," she stated with a smile, enjoying that Xander had to grab hold of her, and she was now resting against his chest.
At least for a brief moment till he righted her.
"Not that I don't like seeing you, but maybe it would be best not to just go into my room without knocking," Xander told Dawn, as they re-entered his room. She sat down on his bed, while Xander was still fixing things up from the night before, trying to make the room a little more tidy.
"I wanted to see how you were," Dawn told him.
Xander couldn't help but smile. "And I'm glad you did, but I may have come out of that bathroom with even less on..."
"Uh-huh," Dawn interrupted enjoying watching Xander squirm a little.
"AND...that is one discussion I don't want to have with your sister, when she accuses me of traumatising you." Xander could see that Dawn was about to argue, so he added. "Yes, I know you aren't a little girl anymore, but do you really think that would buy me any brownie points from Buffy?"
Dawn had to admit, "No, I doubt it would."
"And yeah, you know the whole privacy thing," Xander added, thinking that considering all the people that had been living at either Buffy's or his place for the last six months, privacy had been seriously compromised way before today. In fact that being the case, it was really no wonder Dawn just came in. It was what they were all use to doing.
"I did knock first," she told him.
Xander nodded. It didn't bother him, in fact, what bothered him the most was that it *didn't* bother him.
They each sat there in silence for a moment, the revelation downstairs being unspoken, but on each other's minds.
"So...England," Xander ventured, before having to laugh at how awkward it sounded. He was gratified to see Dawn laugh in return. "What's the what?"
"I'm sorry Xander, I thought that they would've talked to you about it first," Dawn started to say, but Xander waved her apology away.
"S'okay Dawn."
"Well to make a long story short, Giles wants Buffy and me to come to England, me to finish school and Buffy to help him rebuild the Watcher's Council," Dawn told him.
Xander was silent for a moment, thinking it over. "Sounds like a good thing," he told her after that.
"Yeah," she admitted. "It would be cool to see another country." She could see that Xander was still mulling over the implications of what she was saying. "Giles said that he wanted to talk to you," she told him, wanting him to know that they hadn't forgotten him, even if it felt like it to her.
He could tell she was trying to help him and he couldn't resist smiling at her in turn. "I doubt there's much of a job for me at the Watcher's Council, Dawn. Well, unless they want me to rebuild the building," he joked.
Seeing that his humour didn't work its usual spell on Dawn, he apologised. "Sorry, but you know what I mean."
"I know that's crap, Xan. There's heaps you can do. You've only had seven years of experience, not like that could help anyone," Dawn protested to him.
Xander sighed, he knew that Dawn was speaking the truth, and that her opinions were a little biased, much like his own of her. "I'll see what Giles says, I suppose."
Dawn could tell there was still something worrying him. Something more than just the England thing. It had been bothering him for a number of days. And even though she suspected it, she couldn't work out what *it* was.
"What's wrong, Xander?" she asked.
Xander looked into her eyes, wishing that he could tell her. But he felt so disgusted with himself, he just couldn't. Not to her, not to Dawn. So he covered it up as much as he could. "I'm just a little down. Cordy's not getting any better it seems."
She was sure there was more to it than that, but as far as Dawn was concerned at least he was talking to her. "But she's not getting any worse though, is she?"
Xander shook his head. "But, god, I don't know."
He didn't want to admit to her all the thoughts that were running through his head. He didn't want to pile all of that on her shoulders.
Especially since he really had no idea of what exactly to tell her.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Hearing a knock at the door, Xander looked up from the papers he was working on, and called out, "Come in." He wasn't at all surprised to find Giles poking his head around the corner.
"Are you busy?" he asked.
Xander pushed the papers to the side and shook his head. "Not at all." He waited for Giles to walk over and take a seat opposite him. It wasn't difficult for Xander to notice how nervous the elder Englishmen seemed to be.
"I'm sorry about earlier, Xander. It wasn't meant to be a rebuttal of your abilities."
Xander simply nodded not saying anything, letting Giles explain fully what he meant.
"I did plan to talk to you and want to now, if you'll listen?"
Xander nodded once again.
By now Giles realised this wasn't going to be the easiest talk. He removed his glasses and laid them on the table, wanting to talk eye to eye with the younger man. "Well, you know that I'm rebuilding the Watcher's Council?"
"Yeah, I'm not sure how I feel about that," Xander replied.
"How so?"
"They weren't exactly helpful before, Giles. You don't think that everyone would be better off without them?"
"No I don't. This isn't before Xander. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of girls who have suddenly become powerful, who also suddenly have become targets."
Xander shook his head. "You really think killing a slayer is going to be the big bragging point now? Anyway, how will the vamps know where a Slayer is, if that girl isn't out destroying them anyway."
Giles frowned, even with the misunderstanding earlier, he hadn't expected Xander to be this objectionable to his plans. He couldn't be sure, but he was almost certain there was more to it than being left out of talks with Buffy.
"Yes, you may be right, but Vampires and demons seem to know where a Slayer is, and they automatically become a bigger target. Willow's spell unleashed this force on them, and we have a responsibility to make sure they're okay."
"Maybe," Xander replied. "But what if they don't want to fight? What if they just want to go to school, get an education and hopefully a half way decent boyfriend."
"Then that is what they'll do," Giles replied. He noticed with some gratification that his answer seemed to have stumped the younger man temporarily. "I'm not stupid, Xander. I realise that the Slayers were treated like glorified slaves by a lot of former Watchers and the hierarchy of the Watchers Council especially. I'm not just going to bring back the old regime. I really want to make things better."
It was probably the first thing that Xander had really listened to and agreed with since Giles entered the room and as he respond he couldn't help but give the brit a slight grin. "Well, that does sound like a good idea."
"Well, I'm glad you agree, as I want you to be one of our new Watchers."
Giles had only gotten the words out of his mouth for barely a minute when Xander suffered a slight coughing fit. To say that he wasn't expecting that would be the biggest of understatements. He looked over at the elder man, and tried to see if there was any sign of humour on his face, but found none.
"You want me to be a watcher?" Xander asked incredulously.
"Yes. Do you think you can't do it?" Giles replied.
"Well, I'm not a stuffy brit for one thing," Xander quipped back. Giles non-plussed look told him, his attempt at humour wasn't totally successful. "I mean, all those prophecies, books..."
"It won't be like that all the time. And what's more the role of watcher is going to change as well. I see it more of a support mechanism for the girl who you will be looking after. And I have no doubt that you could fill any part of the role."
Xander was still rolling around Giles words in his head. He had been thrown through quite a loop from this revelation and didn't quite know how to respond. In the end it made his own problems even more difficult. "So what would happen?"
"Well," Giles replied, the slight smile showing Xander that he was happy to see that he'd not rejected it, "you'd have to come to England for six months or so. We are still short on all the details, well, mainly cause the Watcher's Council doesn't exist at present, but there would be some training involved, obviously." Giles took a breath. "To be honest, Xander, we really haven't worked out all the details. I just wanted you to know that I want you on board."
Xander nodded. "Thanks."
"So what do you think?"
Xander shrugged. "I really don't know. Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered, but I really don't know."
Giles could see the indecision on Xander's face and knew for certain there was something more playing on his mind then just taking Giles up on his offer. "Is there anything you want to talk about?" he asked.
Xander shrugged. "Not really. It's just, well you know, for the first time in almost seven years I don't know what to do."
Giles could understand perfectly. "I understand. No need to rush or anything."
"Thanks," Xander said, hoping to change the subject for a moment. "So, what's going to happen with Faith?" Xander knew that she was to leave soon, and hadn't been told how that would affect her legal status of escaped prisoner.
"Well, technically Faith perished in the final battle of Sunnydale," Giles replied.
"And you pulled that off, how?" Xander asked.
Giles looked a little uncomfortable in answering, Xander thought. Maybe it was one of those things he wasn't meant to know. "The Watchers' Council has contacts in most world governments. It makes flying in and out of countries a lot easier when you don't have to worry about immigration laws."
Xander nodded, thinking that it made sense of how all the SIT's turned up for a seemingly un-ended stay. "So you got someone to declare Faith legally dead?"
Giles nodded. "And her records were classified and she'll get a new identity. Hopefully since she won't be in California she won't run into anyone that knows any difference."
Xander had to nod his head in admiration. "Well I'm impressed. Did you always have these contacts?"
"I never did, the Council did..."
"But since you *are* the Council..."
"Yes exactly," Giles answered, and Xander was sure he was enjoying the power just a little bit.
"Well then," Giles said as he got up to leave. He turned back to face Xander. "If you want to talk..." He left the invitation hanging out there as he walked out.
Maybe it was a solution, Xander thought as he watched Giles exit. Maybe, just maybe.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Dawn sat back in one of the chairs in the foyer of the Hyperion Hotel and watched as Xander sat at the counter talking to someone on the phone. Every now and again he threw a glance her way, which she duly smiled in return. She couldn't be sure, but there seemed to be some sort of shadow on his face as he smiled back.
A few days ago, they'd said goodbye to Faith, Robin, Chao Ahn and Selina. Well, to be 100% accurate, it was Lisa, Robin, Chao Ahn and Selina. Needless to say Faith wasn't at all happy with her new identity, but it was a necessary evil.
Dawn did wonder just how all that was pulled off, but with a few half answers she'd learnt enough to know that there was some high up government manoeuvring.
But ever since they'd left, Xander seemed to be even quieter. The only times he wasn't was when she spent time with him by themselves. It was the only time where he was almost like the Xander of old.
This little niggle that she'd had at the back of her mind for the last few days, refused to budge. It just sat there, itching away, making her worry that something was happening that she didn't realise.
Once he's gotten off the phone, she saw that he was smiling, but then as he turned his head to face her, the smile lessened somewhat. It did nothing to ease her worry.
"Who's on the phone?" she asked, hoping the itch wasn't getting stronger.
"I've just gotten in contact with some of the people I use to work with in Sunnydale," he told her.
She could tell that he was being very careful with his words, almost as if he was worried about saying the wrong thing. "Are you going to go out with them?" she asked.
"Umm, no. They're starting a job in a few weeks and wanted to know if I was interested," he told her.
"But..."
The words escaped her lips before she realised what the exact implications of them were. She looked straight into his eyes, searching for the truth, hoping to find that she was sorely mistaken. That deep inside she'd see the love she was so desperately hoping to find.
What she found was the truth.
"You're not coming, are you?"
She could see how crushed she must have looked, reflected in the reaction on Xander's face. He looked in pain as he spoke to her. "I'm sorry," he simply said.
Dawn steeled herself, trying to bear up to the huge shock that she'd just received. She swore she wouldn't cry in front of him. No matter how much her heart felt like it was bleeding, she wasn't going to lose it. "Can I ask why?" she asked. Her voice was spoken at a very even tone.
"I need to find myself," Xander replied.
"I don't understand," Dawn said, the confusion in her voice unmasked.
The breath that Xander took before answering was clear to her. That little niggle had not been so little. And it was something that Xander had obviously not felt okay in telling her before. Her heart felt totally ruptured at that realisation.
"I need to find out where I fit into this world, Dawn. Everything I had is gone," he told her.
"Bullshit!" she protested. "I'm still here. Buffy and Giles are still here. Aren't we something?"
"Yes, of course you are," Xander agreed quietly. He reached over and grabbed her hand. "I think I need to try and find my own way for a while."
Dawn shook her head. "You could do that in England. You don't have to become a Watcher." Her voice was rising as she spoke each word. Xander didn't respond, he simply looked at her, pained at the hurt he could see on her face.
His silence was a like a red rag to Dawn. She could feel her heart healing with anger and found that she had to turn away from the man she considered her closest friend. She steadied herself, before turning back to face him. "Do what you think is best then, Xander," she shot back at him.
Shaking her head she got up and took off up the stairs, refusing to answer any of Xander's calls for her to stop.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"This is a call for all passengers on British Airways flight BA773 flying to London, via New York. Would all passengers who have not done so, please proceed immediately to the customs area for check in."
Those were the words that he had been dreading hearing. He looked across to the other seats where Buffy and Giles were already getting up, and wasn't surprised to find Dawn looking at him, a stricken look all over her face.
They'd wasted the last week. He knew that and he was sure now that she did as well. Looking back he knew that there could've been a much better way to do things. He was certain about that in relation to lots of things in his life.
Giles came forward and held out his hand. Getting up, Xander took it and then gave the Englishmen a hug. "Thank you," he told him, hoping that those two words would convey everything he wanted to tell him.
Giles nodded, smiling a little sadly. "The offer still stands. Whenever."
Xander nodded in return, which Giles acknowledged before taking a step back. As Buffy moved forward he could see that she had a few tears in her eyes.
"I never thought I'd be saying goodbye to you," she told him. "You will write, call, e-mail?"
Xander could tell Buffy was a little lost at saying goodbye, and was looking for a little reassurance. "All of the above, Buffy," he told her, before embracing her warmly. "Have fun okay." More than anything else, he meant it and hoped that Buffy could find it.
She nodded and then moved away to where Giles was. As she did her younger sister came into Xander's view. He felt like crumpling as he gazed onto her face. And then he felt her hit him as she rushed forward and wrapped her arms around him. He closed his arms around her, and let them both enjoy the feeling of being in each other's arms for a moment. It felt so right, and yet he still felt guilty for enjoying that feeling. But *this* time, right now, he was determined to enjoy it.
"I'm sorry," he told her.
She looked up at him. "I'm going to miss you, so much."
"Same here," he told her, trying to keep smiling as a way not to show how sad he was.
Dawn laid her cheek on his chest, still holding him tight. "I can't believe this is happening."
Xander had to agree. Now that it was real, a big part of him was slapping him in the head for letting this happen as well. He found it hard to reconcile his reasons at that moment.
"I can't believe you aren't going to be there for my birthday," she told him, stepping back so she could look him in his eyes one last time.
"I'll call you. All the time," he said trying to reassure her.
She looked at him steadily, gathering courage. "I love you," she told him.
More than anything else, it was those words that almost made Xander lose his composure. "I love you too, Dawnie," he told her.
"We have to go."
Giles's voice was soft, but authoritative. Their time was up and both Xander and Dawn knew it. They hugged each other again, and then Dawn let go to pick up her hand luggage. She gave Xander one last smile, before joining Buffy and Giles, where her sister wrapped her arm over her shoulder and they all walked off to the customs area.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The next few weeks were not the best of Xander Harris's life. More than once he woke up in the morning and wanted nothing more than to get on the first flight to England. But he'd made his decision and he just kept telling himself it was for the best, each day.
A month or so after the others had gone to England, Xander got the first great news in a long time. Overnight Cordelia had come out of her coma, and while she was still weak, it looked like she would be okay.
It was more than anyone had hoped. Though no-one would admit it, he could sense that everyone had accepted Cordelia would never awaken. A few days after that she was brought back to the hotel, and though weak, she had managed to give him a look, that at least told Xander, she knew he was there.
That was two days ago, and Angel had told him this morning that she felt well enough to have visitors. It was all he could do to not run up there straight away. He did manage to calm himself somewhat and after breakfast he made his way to her room.
He knocked on the door and poked his head around the corner. This room was more like the Cordelia he remembered. Vibrant and full of life, he could see her touches in it, even though she'd only been back for a day or so.
"Hey!" he called out a little louder than he meant to.
"Oh my god, Xander!" Cordelia exclaimed. "I can't believe that you're here. And what the hell happened to you?"
Xander realised that she'd seen his eye patch. Even in the short time since he'd lost his eye, he'd grown accustomed to it, and thought the storytelling was over. With the benefit of a coma, he knew Cordelia had no chance to hear the story.
"Well I can go, if you want," Xander replied, leaving the gruesome details out of it for now.
"Don't you dare. Oh my god!" she said for the second time. "Come here."
Xander walked over and gave her a warm hug, making sure not to squeeze to hard, just in case. "It's so good to see you awake," he told her.
She frowned at those words. "Angel said you used to visit and talk to me almost every day?" she asked.
"Umm yeah, I've been in LA for over a month now," he replied.
Cordelia shook her head. "And you had nothing better to do?"
Xander could see the humour behind her comment, and laughed a little with her.
"So what happened?" she asked softer this time.
Xander shrugged. "You know the usual, big bad, only this time he decided to stick his thumb into my eye." Xander could almost hear him tell Cordelia as if it had occurred to someone else.
"Well, okay, but you're fine otherwise?" she asked.
Xander nodded, glad for the lack of worry she was showing. "I'm okay. I'm working at one of the construction sites downtown, nothing in the field, more in the office, but luckily I had some contacts who remembered me."
"That's great," Cordelia said. "So what's Buffy and the others up to?"
"Well, Buffy, Dawn and Giles are in England, Willow and Kennedy, that's her girlfriend, are in New York State at present. Faith, and a few others are in Cleveland, and I'm here."
At his last statement, Cordelia frowned, something that Xander didn't miss. "What?" he asked.
"Why are you here, Xander?"
"I don't understand."
"Yes, you do," she told him. "Why aren't you in England?"
Something fishy was up. "How did you know about Giles's offer?" he asked suspiciously.
"I didn't," she replied. "I'm just trying to work out why Buffy and Dawn are in England and you are in LA."
Xander rolled his eyes. "I'm not defined by Buffy you know. I can have a life separate from her."
"And what was Giles's offer? What was that?"
"Giles offered me a position as a watcher," Xander told her, his tone telling her that he no longer thought about it.
"And you turned that down, why?" she asked.
"God, what is this, twenty questions? I just wanted to do something on my own, okay!" he told her, his voice rising at each word.
"That would be fine if it made any sense," Cordelia bit back, before reducing her tone. "The Xander Harris I remember wouldn't be in LA."
"The Xander Harris you remember may well be disgusted with me," he replied softly.
"Why?"
For some reason it was easy to talk to Cordelia. He didn't know why. Maybe it was their history. Maybe cause he knew she wouldn't sugar coat her comments. Maybe he just missed her that damn much and just wanted a good kick in the ass.
"Anya died a month ago," he told her.
"I'm sorry," Cordelia replied.
"I mean we weren't engaged, or even together any more. Well except for sex before death, sex," he told her, which caused Cordelia to raise her eyebrows in response. "Hey its almost a tradition," Xander told her in his defence.
"Sure," she replied, drawing out the word, wryly smiling.
"Anyway, you'd think I'd be broken up about it, hell, I'd think I would be. Yeah it hurt, but not more than two weeks later I realised that I had feelings for someone else."
"And that's why you stayed here?"
"No, well part of. God, I don't know, I'm just all fucked up. I don't know what I want. I...I just thought if I got my own job or something I could take back my life, be in charge of it. Than maybe I would be able to work out all the other stuff."
Cordelia looked at him, questioning him with her eyes. "Has it worked?"
Xander shook his head. "It hurts being away from them," he told her. "And well me finding myself hasn't been all that great. It's not bad, but I feel as though I'm missing something."
"Buffy?" Cordelia suggested.
Xander was about to answer when he realised what Cordelia was asking. "Oh, god no. I don't feel for Buffy like that, haven't for years, Cordy."
"Well, so I'm not up on all your history, I mean when was the last time we actually talked?" Cordelia replied.
"Years," Xander admitted.
"Yeah, so give me a break," Cordelia said with a smile. Then as if she'd suddenly worked it out, she added softly. "It's Dawn isn't it?"
Xander looked a little spooked that she'd worked it out, but realised that it wasn't all that difficult. "I don't know what I want," he admitted to her. "I just know I miss her."
"Does she feel the same way?" Cordelia asked.
"I don't even though what way I feel," Xander told her. "But Dawn and I grew really close these last six months. I just miss her company."
"And you feel guilty about that, cause Anya only recently died?"
Xander shrugged. "Yeah."
Cordelia looked at him straight in the eye. "Go to England. Sort out your feelings, have a holiday, grieve, fall in love. Do all, or only some of these things Xander, but get out of here."
Xander started to argue. "But I have..."
"You have nothing. It's as though you've stayed behind to tend the graves. You need to get away."
"What if I don't want to join Giles and the others in the Watcher's Council?"
"Then don't. Just live."
End of Chapter Two
Chapter Two: The New World
June 2003
He was sure it was meant to feel better than this. They had just saved the world.
Again.
But no matter how many times Xander Harris kept repeating that to himself, it did little to fill the hole he was feeling inside.
It was a fine, if a little hot sunny day in Los Angeles. The sort of day that should make you feel vibrant, ready to enjoy whatever came along. But at that very moment, sitting in a Coffee shop a mile or so down the road from the Hyperion Hotel, Xander didn't feel much at all.
He reached down and brought the mug to his lips. Sucking in slightly he took a sip, sending the bitter taste of coffee across his taste buds, then down his throat.
"Ahh, the sweet hit of caffeine. Just what I need," Xander told himself, as he placed the mug back down on the table, wishing that the coffee would be all that he needed. The warmth from the summer sun, combined with the heat from his beverage, had succeeded in raising Xander's own internal temperature to the point where beads of sweat were starting to drip down from his forehead. He grabbed a napkin and wiped the beads away.
He watched people go about there everyday life as he took another sip. The population of Los Angeles seemed to have recovered swiftly after being released from Jasmine's thrall. The initial depression and feelings of loss had evaporated just as soon as most people remembered what they had in their real lives. He sat there for a while, simply studying the people as they went about their business. They all seemed like they had places to go, things to do.
He envied them that.
He never thought it would feel like this. Victory. It was meant to be sweet, wasn't it? The bitter taste of his coffee as he took another sip, felt a heck of a lot sweeter to him than how his life felt at present.
He'd said goodbye to many friends over the years in Sunnydale. His other childhood friend along with Willow, Jesse, had died almost as soon as he'd discovered the truth of the Hellmouth's particular nightlife. From then an almost a constant string of friends, or acquaintances passed away as Buffy and the Scoobies, of various sizes, fought for what they believed was right. Some affected him deeply. Joyce, Mother to Buffy and Dawn, and the one female adult in his life that actually seemed to care, died of natural causes. It was a cruel irony that made it even harder to accept in some ways. Where as Tara Maclay was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.
It hurt still to remember them both.
Then there were the various Slayers in Training that had arrived on the doorstep of Revello Drive over the last six months. Some he'd barely known. Others like Molly and Amanda had almost become his friends.
But he wondered if by then he'd become immune to it all.
Anya. His ex-fiancee, current off and on lover, friend, confidant.
They'd held a memorial service for them all a few days after they'd arrived in Los Angeles. He'd spent some time remembering all of his friends. Too many had died. He was certain of that.
But why was he okay with it all. He thought of Anya and it hurt, but not the crippling hurt when Joyce died, or the aching pain at seeing Tara's body, or the total disbelief at seeing Jesse turn to dust.
Anya died, and yet he could drink his mug of coffee without breaking down.
And he hated himself for it.
In the two weeks, since they'd been in LA a lot of things had already changed. The group of survivors that had fled the town of Sunnydale before it turned into a great big crater had been diminished somewhat since that first day when they surprised the heck out of Angel. Xander couldn't help but smile at the memory of the look on the vampire's face, before he quickly pulled Buffy aside to ask what the heck she was doing. They'd returned a few minutes later and were all assigned rooms. It was rather fortunate that Angel had a hotel.
There were wounded to take care of. A number of the Slayer's had suffered injuries to varying degrees, as well as Robin and Andrew. Then there were families to call, to reassure that they were safe. There were also families to call to advise of the passing of their daughters. He could see the weight that duty put on Giles's shoulder.
And then a day after the memorial service, they started to disperse. Most of the slayers wanted to go home. Now stronger and safe, in the short term at least, he couldn't begrudge them that. Some of them lived in adjoining states, while others had to travel to various countries.
Andrew had seemed a little apprehensive about telling them all he was leaving. Xander wondered if Andrew was worrying about whether Buffy would let him go. But there was no indecision there. He had an Aunt who wanted him to live with her and her family in Colorado. Xander was sure everyone hoped that Andrew could make something of his life.
Xander was certain he was brave enough to do so.
Then it was Willow's turn to talk to the rest of them. He wasn't all that surprised that she and Kennedy wanted to spend some time together, nor that Kennedy wanted to go home and see her family. But the quickness of it all did surprise him a little. But leave they did just yesterday.
And now there was just seven of them left. Buffy, Dawn, Giles, Faith, Robin, Choa-Ahn, Selina and himself.
In two days time it would be four, as Faith, Robin and the other two new slayers were heading to Cleveland to see what was up in that city.
"Xan?"
He couldn't help but smile. The voice was like music to his ears. He really didn't know how hard these last two weeks had been if it wasn't for her. He looked up, bringing his hand up to block the sun from shining into his eye.
"Hey Dawnie," he replied, motioning to her to take a seat. "What's up?"
She shrugged, half looking at the menu in an attempt to hide the fact she was studying him closely. "Just thought I'd grab a drink, saw you sitting here," she replied non-chalantly.
Xander raised his eyebrow. "And you came to this coffee-shop because..."
Dawn flashed him one of her patented smiles, and Xander was sure butter would remain rock hard in her mouth. "Just lucky, I guess," she told him. She knew she'd been found out, but didn't care.
As her lips moved and separated arching into the warm smile that she liked to give him, Xander could feel himself feeling better almost immediately. He could actually feel his guilt dispersing with each word she spoke in his company, and before long he found himself laughing along with her.
And even as he did, he knew he'd hate himself even more, once she was gone.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
No matter how many times, Xander walked through the corridors of Wolfram and Hart, he never got over how weird it was to find that Angel and his crew were in charge of this huge building. The mere fact that they kept Cordelia there, instead of in a hospital was the biggest indicator just how massive their resources now were.
He just wished that it would do some good for her.
It was such a cold place. Nothing like she would've liked, Xander thought. At least they'd brought in some flowers and the sheets weren't the sterile white colour usually found in hospitals. But one thing he was sure of was Cordelia would've hated this room.
He could scarcely believe it when he was told that his former highschool girlfriend was in some sort of mystical coma and they had no idea when, or even if, she'd get better. Seeing the looks on Angel, Gunn and Fred's faces was enough to tell him not to sound off any of his own questions. He was certain they'd done plenty of that themselves over the last few weeks, since they'd found her.
At least, with their newfound wealth, or at least resources behind them, they were certain she was getting the best of care. He just wished they'd liven up the room.
He'd started coming to see Cordelia almost daily, ever since he'd found out. Not that he thought it actually did anything for her. In a way it did a lot for him. There was a four-year gap in their friendship, but she was a former girlfriend, and visiting with her, gave him something to do.
She was also an incredibly good listener. Well she'd have to be, Xander realised, considering she couldn't interrupt him, or better yet, judge him.
It was what he really needed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Where's Xander?"
The sound of the teenager's voice turned both Gunn and Angel's head towards the doorway of their office.
"I think he's visiting Cordelia," Angel replied. He noticed the slightly disappointed look that crossed Dawn's eyes. "We're about to head to the office. You can come with us, if you'd like?"
Dawn shook her head. "That's okay. Thanks anyway," she replied before turning and walking out into the foyer of the Hyperion Hotel. Gunn looked over at Angel who shrugged slightly in response, before getting back the to the plans they were going over.
It wasn't that Dawn begrudged the fact that Xander liked to visit his ex-girlfriend each day. Far from it. It was just that over the last few days, he'd seemed a little distant, and she wished that he would just talk to her. Finding out he was gone again, meant she couldn't do that.
She walked over to the staircase, and was about to step up, when the voices of Giles and her sister, came wafting down. The persons themselves followed soon after.
"Hey guys," Dawn called to them, as she went to pass.
"Dawn, could we talk to you for a moment?" Giles asked, holding out his hand to stop her movement up the stairs. He then gently guided her, till she turned around and led her over to the seats in the middle of the foyer.
She let herself be led, wondering what was so urgent. She hadn't seen a lot of Giles or Buffy in the last few days. But that was as much her fault as anything, as between her own stuff, and being with Xander she'd had scarce free time.
She took her seat and waited for them to start. There was a moment of silence, and she looked from Buffy to Giles. She could see on both of their faces some sort of apprehension and that in itself did little to calm her own nerves for whatever it was they wanted to say.
She decided to start, instead of waiting. "What's up?" she asked brightly, hoping that it was a good thing they had to say.
She noticed that both Buffy and Giles looked at each other briefly, seemingly trying to get the other one to be the one to ask. It wasn't the sign that Dawn was really hoping for. She was about to ask again, when Giles talked first.
"How would you feel about moving to England?" he asked, a little delicately.
Whoa, England. That was not what Dawn was expecting. Strangely enough the first thing that ran through her mind was relief. There was a small part of her that feared that Buffy would want to head to Cleveland. As much as Buffy had always seemed to protest her want of a normal life, and how much of a burden being the chosen one was, Dawn also knew that there was a huge part of her, that felt like she belonged in the fight. She felt that in all of the gang. She knew that Faith and the others were leaving for Cleveland soon, and she had to admit she was happy to see Buffy deciding to do something different.
But after that was the total confusion about when moving to England became even a possibility. Moving to another country seemed like such a big thing. It wasn't like just moving house, or changing schools.
School? Didn't she have to go to school in a few months?
What about their friends? Or more in particular, one friend.
It was also obvious to her that this decision wasn't just made today.
"When was this decided?" she asked.
Buffy looked apprehensive as she answered. "Giles and I have been talking about it for the last few days, but we only really decided this morning."
"So, if I decide to stay, you are going to be fine with that?" Dawn asked, not really needing an answer. There was no way Buffy would let that happen.
"Technically you're still under my care, Dawn. I couldn't just leave you," Buffy stated.
Dawn just shook her head. It was maddening to her that she wasn't being considered an equal yet again. "So I really have no choice then? Why did you even bother to ask me?"
Giles could see that it was getting out of hand, and felt the need to say something. "What I would like is for you and Buffy to come back to England for a holiday. Enjoy the summer, god knows you both deserve it."
At that there was no argument.
"Remember when I said I wanted to show you the world?" Buffy asked. "Well now I can, well at least the British part."
Dawn had to admit to herself that it didn't sound like the worst plan in the world.
"And there will be much more to discuss, but over that time, you can decide if you and Buffy wish to stay and for yourself, finish your education in England." Giles paused a little, and then decided to tell Dawn more than he and Buffy had originally discussed. "Whatever you decide, I have to return. There are duties I have to perform. The Watchers Council needs to be rebuilt, the many Slayers that Willow activated by performing the spell, need to be found and helped. It falls to me to look after that."
"And to me to help," Buffy added looking at Dawn. "It needs to be done."
"So you're joining the Watcher's Council?" Dawn asked.
Buffy shook her head slightly. "Not exactly. But I will be part of it. I want to make sure that the Slayers have an easier time and get the support they deserve."
"The Watchers Council won't be like it was, Dawn. There will be many changes," Giles told her, and seeing that Dawn was about to ask another question he added, "however that can be discussed at another time."
Dawn shut her mouth, a little disappointed. Her interest was definitely peaked by whatever changes there would be in the new Watcher's Council.
"Where would I go to school?" Dawn asked.
"We would have to work that out, but whatever you choose, it will be catered for." Giles couldn't resist a smile, when adding, "The Watchers Council has a fortune in monetary reserves and I believe it is about time that money was spent on something worthwhile."
Dawn frowned at the news. "How will you get your hands on it?"
"Well, lets just say that between Willow and I, we were able to arrange my sole access to the accounts."
Neither Buffy nor Dawn could help laughing at this. "I wish you'd been in charge these last few years," Buffy quipped.
"Well, yes, the old ways were rather unhelpful in those circumstances. But that's one thing that we will be changing."
The small bit of annoyance Dawn had felt at being left out of whatever preliminary discussions that were had by Giles and Buffy, had evaporated away at the thought of what they were discussing. She totally understood Buffy wanting to be a part of making the Slayer's lives easier, making sure the hell she went through on occasions was never foisted onto another. And the whole idea of going to England for a holiday sounded really neat.
There was just one thing nagging at the back of her mind. Something that came very clearly into focus as the front door to the Hotel opened and Xander walked in.
Seeing him walk in, she couldn't help but smile. She knew that he saw it, as he walked straight over to where she was sitting and took a seat next to her.
"So what's up today?" he asked.
"Trying to decide if I want to go to England," Dawn replied. She liked that she could talk about this with him. "What did you decide?"
It didn't take long for Dawn to realise she'd made a mistake. She'd never thought?
"Oh, sorry," she said, turning back to face Giles and Buffy, anger written clearly on her features. Sure getting angry at them may not be logical, but it sure masked the embarrassment she felt.
"Umm, I haven't been asked," Xander replied quietly, before getting up and walking up the stairs in silence.
As soon as he was out of sight, Dawn let out the one question that had been on her mind. "What the hell? Why haven't you spoken to Xander?"
"We wanted to talk to you first, Dawn. After all you're my sister," Buffy replied, obviously uncomfortable at Dawn's accusations. If she thought her words would placate the brunette, she was to be rather surprised.
"But you've been discussing this for a couple of days, and talking about re-building the Watcher's Council, and I'm not talking about with wood and a hammer. Why haven't you been speaking to Xander?"
At least they both had the good grace to look ashamed, Dawn thought as she noticed the look on both of their faces. "You've got to be kidding me," she said in disbelief.
"I do plan to speak to Xander, Dawn. I didn't just ignore him, but Buffy and I had other things to talk about first," Giles told her. "We wanted to talk to you first."
"I suppose I should feel happy about that," she said, not really feeling that at all. "Talk to him," she told them, getting up and then almost running up the stairs to where Xander had disappeared a short time ago.
Giles and Buffy watched her go, before turning to each other. "Do you think Xander will go for it?" Buffy asked.
"Well judging by what I just saw, I doubt Dawn will, if he doesn't." Giles paused for a moment, wondering how to put the next question. "Is Xander and Dawn...involved?" He didn't think so, but the way she'd just acted he did wonder.
Buffy however had no such indecisions. She laughed a little, almost not believing Giles could ask her such a question. "They're really not," she told him, in between giggles, before calming down. "They are very close. I think Dawn thinks of Xander has her big brother. And you're right, I do think it will hurt her really bad if he doesn't come with us."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Wiping away some of the steam that had gathered on the mirror, Xander stared at himself after exiting the shower. He winced as he looked at the hole in his head, where his left eye used to be. He didn't blame anyone. Accidents and injuries were a part of the life he'd chosen to do. But it was a constant reminder of the final battle of Sunnydale. While it didn't occur on the final day, it was a testament to what they had lost.
His self-anger had grown even more in the last few days. It pissed him off no end that no one seemed to be really mourning the loss of not just Anya, but all the others. Even including, though he loathed admitting it, Spike.
But what pissed him off most was that he felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world.
He adjusted the eye patch so that if fit comfortably in place, then wrapped a towel around his waist and opened the door to his room. He hadn't gotten far, only about one foot, when he came to a sudden halt.
Dawn. Dawn was in his room. Dawn was in his room, and he only had a towel on.
And she had noticed.
That smile was definitely wicked, he'd decided, before gathering his courage he strode forward and announced. "Do you want to go out for a couple of minutes while I get changed?"
"Oh spoil all my fun," she joked, only half being truthful. She walked outside and closed the door behind her. Leaning back against it, she couldn't get the image of Xander out of her head. It so pre-occupied her thoughts that she didn't even notice the passage of time, and when Xander opened the door she fell backwards only to be caught in his arms.
"Oops, sorry," she stated with a smile, enjoying that Xander had to grab hold of her, and she was now resting against his chest.
At least for a brief moment till he righted her.
"Not that I don't like seeing you, but maybe it would be best not to just go into my room without knocking," Xander told Dawn, as they re-entered his room. She sat down on his bed, while Xander was still fixing things up from the night before, trying to make the room a little more tidy.
"I wanted to see how you were," Dawn told him.
Xander couldn't help but smile. "And I'm glad you did, but I may have come out of that bathroom with even less on..."
"Uh-huh," Dawn interrupted enjoying watching Xander squirm a little.
"AND...that is one discussion I don't want to have with your sister, when she accuses me of traumatising you." Xander could see that Dawn was about to argue, so he added. "Yes, I know you aren't a little girl anymore, but do you really think that would buy me any brownie points from Buffy?"
Dawn had to admit, "No, I doubt it would."
"And yeah, you know the whole privacy thing," Xander added, thinking that considering all the people that had been living at either Buffy's or his place for the last six months, privacy had been seriously compromised way before today. In fact that being the case, it was really no wonder Dawn just came in. It was what they were all use to doing.
"I did knock first," she told him.
Xander nodded. It didn't bother him, in fact, what bothered him the most was that it *didn't* bother him.
They each sat there in silence for a moment, the revelation downstairs being unspoken, but on each other's minds.
"So...England," Xander ventured, before having to laugh at how awkward it sounded. He was gratified to see Dawn laugh in return. "What's the what?"
"I'm sorry Xander, I thought that they would've talked to you about it first," Dawn started to say, but Xander waved her apology away.
"S'okay Dawn."
"Well to make a long story short, Giles wants Buffy and me to come to England, me to finish school and Buffy to help him rebuild the Watcher's Council," Dawn told him.
Xander was silent for a moment, thinking it over. "Sounds like a good thing," he told her after that.
"Yeah," she admitted. "It would be cool to see another country." She could see that Xander was still mulling over the implications of what she was saying. "Giles said that he wanted to talk to you," she told him, wanting him to know that they hadn't forgotten him, even if it felt like it to her.
He could tell she was trying to help him and he couldn't resist smiling at her in turn. "I doubt there's much of a job for me at the Watcher's Council, Dawn. Well, unless they want me to rebuild the building," he joked.
Seeing that his humour didn't work its usual spell on Dawn, he apologised. "Sorry, but you know what I mean."
"I know that's crap, Xan. There's heaps you can do. You've only had seven years of experience, not like that could help anyone," Dawn protested to him.
Xander sighed, he knew that Dawn was speaking the truth, and that her opinions were a little biased, much like his own of her. "I'll see what Giles says, I suppose."
Dawn could tell there was still something worrying him. Something more than just the England thing. It had been bothering him for a number of days. And even though she suspected it, she couldn't work out what *it* was.
"What's wrong, Xander?" she asked.
Xander looked into her eyes, wishing that he could tell her. But he felt so disgusted with himself, he just couldn't. Not to her, not to Dawn. So he covered it up as much as he could. "I'm just a little down. Cordy's not getting any better it seems."
She was sure there was more to it than that, but as far as Dawn was concerned at least he was talking to her. "But she's not getting any worse though, is she?"
Xander shook his head. "But, god, I don't know."
He didn't want to admit to her all the thoughts that were running through his head. He didn't want to pile all of that on her shoulders.
Especially since he really had no idea of what exactly to tell her.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Hearing a knock at the door, Xander looked up from the papers he was working on, and called out, "Come in." He wasn't at all surprised to find Giles poking his head around the corner.
"Are you busy?" he asked.
Xander pushed the papers to the side and shook his head. "Not at all." He waited for Giles to walk over and take a seat opposite him. It wasn't difficult for Xander to notice how nervous the elder Englishmen seemed to be.
"I'm sorry about earlier, Xander. It wasn't meant to be a rebuttal of your abilities."
Xander simply nodded not saying anything, letting Giles explain fully what he meant.
"I did plan to talk to you and want to now, if you'll listen?"
Xander nodded once again.
By now Giles realised this wasn't going to be the easiest talk. He removed his glasses and laid them on the table, wanting to talk eye to eye with the younger man. "Well, you know that I'm rebuilding the Watcher's Council?"
"Yeah, I'm not sure how I feel about that," Xander replied.
"How so?"
"They weren't exactly helpful before, Giles. You don't think that everyone would be better off without them?"
"No I don't. This isn't before Xander. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of girls who have suddenly become powerful, who also suddenly have become targets."
Xander shook his head. "You really think killing a slayer is going to be the big bragging point now? Anyway, how will the vamps know where a Slayer is, if that girl isn't out destroying them anyway."
Giles frowned, even with the misunderstanding earlier, he hadn't expected Xander to be this objectionable to his plans. He couldn't be sure, but he was almost certain there was more to it than being left out of talks with Buffy.
"Yes, you may be right, but Vampires and demons seem to know where a Slayer is, and they automatically become a bigger target. Willow's spell unleashed this force on them, and we have a responsibility to make sure they're okay."
"Maybe," Xander replied. "But what if they don't want to fight? What if they just want to go to school, get an education and hopefully a half way decent boyfriend."
"Then that is what they'll do," Giles replied. He noticed with some gratification that his answer seemed to have stumped the younger man temporarily. "I'm not stupid, Xander. I realise that the Slayers were treated like glorified slaves by a lot of former Watchers and the hierarchy of the Watchers Council especially. I'm not just going to bring back the old regime. I really want to make things better."
It was probably the first thing that Xander had really listened to and agreed with since Giles entered the room and as he respond he couldn't help but give the brit a slight grin. "Well, that does sound like a good idea."
"Well, I'm glad you agree, as I want you to be one of our new Watchers."
Giles had only gotten the words out of his mouth for barely a minute when Xander suffered a slight coughing fit. To say that he wasn't expecting that would be the biggest of understatements. He looked over at the elder man, and tried to see if there was any sign of humour on his face, but found none.
"You want me to be a watcher?" Xander asked incredulously.
"Yes. Do you think you can't do it?" Giles replied.
"Well, I'm not a stuffy brit for one thing," Xander quipped back. Giles non-plussed look told him, his attempt at humour wasn't totally successful. "I mean, all those prophecies, books..."
"It won't be like that all the time. And what's more the role of watcher is going to change as well. I see it more of a support mechanism for the girl who you will be looking after. And I have no doubt that you could fill any part of the role."
Xander was still rolling around Giles words in his head. He had been thrown through quite a loop from this revelation and didn't quite know how to respond. In the end it made his own problems even more difficult. "So what would happen?"
"Well," Giles replied, the slight smile showing Xander that he was happy to see that he'd not rejected it, "you'd have to come to England for six months or so. We are still short on all the details, well, mainly cause the Watcher's Council doesn't exist at present, but there would be some training involved, obviously." Giles took a breath. "To be honest, Xander, we really haven't worked out all the details. I just wanted you to know that I want you on board."
Xander nodded. "Thanks."
"So what do you think?"
Xander shrugged. "I really don't know. Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered, but I really don't know."
Giles could see the indecision on Xander's face and knew for certain there was something more playing on his mind then just taking Giles up on his offer. "Is there anything you want to talk about?" he asked.
Xander shrugged. "Not really. It's just, well you know, for the first time in almost seven years I don't know what to do."
Giles could understand perfectly. "I understand. No need to rush or anything."
"Thanks," Xander said, hoping to change the subject for a moment. "So, what's going to happen with Faith?" Xander knew that she was to leave soon, and hadn't been told how that would affect her legal status of escaped prisoner.
"Well, technically Faith perished in the final battle of Sunnydale," Giles replied.
"And you pulled that off, how?" Xander asked.
Giles looked a little uncomfortable in answering, Xander thought. Maybe it was one of those things he wasn't meant to know. "The Watchers' Council has contacts in most world governments. It makes flying in and out of countries a lot easier when you don't have to worry about immigration laws."
Xander nodded, thinking that it made sense of how all the SIT's turned up for a seemingly un-ended stay. "So you got someone to declare Faith legally dead?"
Giles nodded. "And her records were classified and she'll get a new identity. Hopefully since she won't be in California she won't run into anyone that knows any difference."
Xander had to nod his head in admiration. "Well I'm impressed. Did you always have these contacts?"
"I never did, the Council did..."
"But since you *are* the Council..."
"Yes exactly," Giles answered, and Xander was sure he was enjoying the power just a little bit.
"Well then," Giles said as he got up to leave. He turned back to face Xander. "If you want to talk..." He left the invitation hanging out there as he walked out.
Maybe it was a solution, Xander thought as he watched Giles exit. Maybe, just maybe.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Dawn sat back in one of the chairs in the foyer of the Hyperion Hotel and watched as Xander sat at the counter talking to someone on the phone. Every now and again he threw a glance her way, which she duly smiled in return. She couldn't be sure, but there seemed to be some sort of shadow on his face as he smiled back.
A few days ago, they'd said goodbye to Faith, Robin, Chao Ahn and Selina. Well, to be 100% accurate, it was Lisa, Robin, Chao Ahn and Selina. Needless to say Faith wasn't at all happy with her new identity, but it was a necessary evil.
Dawn did wonder just how all that was pulled off, but with a few half answers she'd learnt enough to know that there was some high up government manoeuvring.
But ever since they'd left, Xander seemed to be even quieter. The only times he wasn't was when she spent time with him by themselves. It was the only time where he was almost like the Xander of old.
This little niggle that she'd had at the back of her mind for the last few days, refused to budge. It just sat there, itching away, making her worry that something was happening that she didn't realise.
Once he's gotten off the phone, she saw that he was smiling, but then as he turned his head to face her, the smile lessened somewhat. It did nothing to ease her worry.
"Who's on the phone?" she asked, hoping the itch wasn't getting stronger.
"I've just gotten in contact with some of the people I use to work with in Sunnydale," he told her.
She could tell that he was being very careful with his words, almost as if he was worried about saying the wrong thing. "Are you going to go out with them?" she asked.
"Umm, no. They're starting a job in a few weeks and wanted to know if I was interested," he told her.
"But..."
The words escaped her lips before she realised what the exact implications of them were. She looked straight into his eyes, searching for the truth, hoping to find that she was sorely mistaken. That deep inside she'd see the love she was so desperately hoping to find.
What she found was the truth.
"You're not coming, are you?"
She could see how crushed she must have looked, reflected in the reaction on Xander's face. He looked in pain as he spoke to her. "I'm sorry," he simply said.
Dawn steeled herself, trying to bear up to the huge shock that she'd just received. She swore she wouldn't cry in front of him. No matter how much her heart felt like it was bleeding, she wasn't going to lose it. "Can I ask why?" she asked. Her voice was spoken at a very even tone.
"I need to find myself," Xander replied.
"I don't understand," Dawn said, the confusion in her voice unmasked.
The breath that Xander took before answering was clear to her. That little niggle had not been so little. And it was something that Xander had obviously not felt okay in telling her before. Her heart felt totally ruptured at that realisation.
"I need to find out where I fit into this world, Dawn. Everything I had is gone," he told her.
"Bullshit!" she protested. "I'm still here. Buffy and Giles are still here. Aren't we something?"
"Yes, of course you are," Xander agreed quietly. He reached over and grabbed her hand. "I think I need to try and find my own way for a while."
Dawn shook her head. "You could do that in England. You don't have to become a Watcher." Her voice was rising as she spoke each word. Xander didn't respond, he simply looked at her, pained at the hurt he could see on her face.
His silence was a like a red rag to Dawn. She could feel her heart healing with anger and found that she had to turn away from the man she considered her closest friend. She steadied herself, before turning back to face him. "Do what you think is best then, Xander," she shot back at him.
Shaking her head she got up and took off up the stairs, refusing to answer any of Xander's calls for her to stop.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"This is a call for all passengers on British Airways flight BA773 flying to London, via New York. Would all passengers who have not done so, please proceed immediately to the customs area for check in."
Those were the words that he had been dreading hearing. He looked across to the other seats where Buffy and Giles were already getting up, and wasn't surprised to find Dawn looking at him, a stricken look all over her face.
They'd wasted the last week. He knew that and he was sure now that she did as well. Looking back he knew that there could've been a much better way to do things. He was certain about that in relation to lots of things in his life.
Giles came forward and held out his hand. Getting up, Xander took it and then gave the Englishmen a hug. "Thank you," he told him, hoping that those two words would convey everything he wanted to tell him.
Giles nodded, smiling a little sadly. "The offer still stands. Whenever."
Xander nodded in return, which Giles acknowledged before taking a step back. As Buffy moved forward he could see that she had a few tears in her eyes.
"I never thought I'd be saying goodbye to you," she told him. "You will write, call, e-mail?"
Xander could tell Buffy was a little lost at saying goodbye, and was looking for a little reassurance. "All of the above, Buffy," he told her, before embracing her warmly. "Have fun okay." More than anything else, he meant it and hoped that Buffy could find it.
She nodded and then moved away to where Giles was. As she did her younger sister came into Xander's view. He felt like crumpling as he gazed onto her face. And then he felt her hit him as she rushed forward and wrapped her arms around him. He closed his arms around her, and let them both enjoy the feeling of being in each other's arms for a moment. It felt so right, and yet he still felt guilty for enjoying that feeling. But *this* time, right now, he was determined to enjoy it.
"I'm sorry," he told her.
She looked up at him. "I'm going to miss you, so much."
"Same here," he told her, trying to keep smiling as a way not to show how sad he was.
Dawn laid her cheek on his chest, still holding him tight. "I can't believe this is happening."
Xander had to agree. Now that it was real, a big part of him was slapping him in the head for letting this happen as well. He found it hard to reconcile his reasons at that moment.
"I can't believe you aren't going to be there for my birthday," she told him, stepping back so she could look him in his eyes one last time.
"I'll call you. All the time," he said trying to reassure her.
She looked at him steadily, gathering courage. "I love you," she told him.
More than anything else, it was those words that almost made Xander lose his composure. "I love you too, Dawnie," he told her.
"We have to go."
Giles's voice was soft, but authoritative. Their time was up and both Xander and Dawn knew it. They hugged each other again, and then Dawn let go to pick up her hand luggage. She gave Xander one last smile, before joining Buffy and Giles, where her sister wrapped her arm over her shoulder and they all walked off to the customs area.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The next few weeks were not the best of Xander Harris's life. More than once he woke up in the morning and wanted nothing more than to get on the first flight to England. But he'd made his decision and he just kept telling himself it was for the best, each day.
A month or so after the others had gone to England, Xander got the first great news in a long time. Overnight Cordelia had come out of her coma, and while she was still weak, it looked like she would be okay.
It was more than anyone had hoped. Though no-one would admit it, he could sense that everyone had accepted Cordelia would never awaken. A few days after that she was brought back to the hotel, and though weak, she had managed to give him a look, that at least told Xander, she knew he was there.
That was two days ago, and Angel had told him this morning that she felt well enough to have visitors. It was all he could do to not run up there straight away. He did manage to calm himself somewhat and after breakfast he made his way to her room.
He knocked on the door and poked his head around the corner. This room was more like the Cordelia he remembered. Vibrant and full of life, he could see her touches in it, even though she'd only been back for a day or so.
"Hey!" he called out a little louder than he meant to.
"Oh my god, Xander!" Cordelia exclaimed. "I can't believe that you're here. And what the hell happened to you?"
Xander realised that she'd seen his eye patch. Even in the short time since he'd lost his eye, he'd grown accustomed to it, and thought the storytelling was over. With the benefit of a coma, he knew Cordelia had no chance to hear the story.
"Well I can go, if you want," Xander replied, leaving the gruesome details out of it for now.
"Don't you dare. Oh my god!" she said for the second time. "Come here."
Xander walked over and gave her a warm hug, making sure not to squeeze to hard, just in case. "It's so good to see you awake," he told her.
She frowned at those words. "Angel said you used to visit and talk to me almost every day?" she asked.
"Umm yeah, I've been in LA for over a month now," he replied.
Cordelia shook her head. "And you had nothing better to do?"
Xander could see the humour behind her comment, and laughed a little with her.
"So what happened?" she asked softer this time.
Xander shrugged. "You know the usual, big bad, only this time he decided to stick his thumb into my eye." Xander could almost hear him tell Cordelia as if it had occurred to someone else.
"Well, okay, but you're fine otherwise?" she asked.
Xander nodded, glad for the lack of worry she was showing. "I'm okay. I'm working at one of the construction sites downtown, nothing in the field, more in the office, but luckily I had some contacts who remembered me."
"That's great," Cordelia said. "So what's Buffy and the others up to?"
"Well, Buffy, Dawn and Giles are in England, Willow and Kennedy, that's her girlfriend, are in New York State at present. Faith, and a few others are in Cleveland, and I'm here."
At his last statement, Cordelia frowned, something that Xander didn't miss. "What?" he asked.
"Why are you here, Xander?"
"I don't understand."
"Yes, you do," she told him. "Why aren't you in England?"
Something fishy was up. "How did you know about Giles's offer?" he asked suspiciously.
"I didn't," she replied. "I'm just trying to work out why Buffy and Dawn are in England and you are in LA."
Xander rolled his eyes. "I'm not defined by Buffy you know. I can have a life separate from her."
"And what was Giles's offer? What was that?"
"Giles offered me a position as a watcher," Xander told her, his tone telling her that he no longer thought about it.
"And you turned that down, why?" she asked.
"God, what is this, twenty questions? I just wanted to do something on my own, okay!" he told her, his voice rising at each word.
"That would be fine if it made any sense," Cordelia bit back, before reducing her tone. "The Xander Harris I remember wouldn't be in LA."
"The Xander Harris you remember may well be disgusted with me," he replied softly.
"Why?"
For some reason it was easy to talk to Cordelia. He didn't know why. Maybe it was their history. Maybe cause he knew she wouldn't sugar coat her comments. Maybe he just missed her that damn much and just wanted a good kick in the ass.
"Anya died a month ago," he told her.
"I'm sorry," Cordelia replied.
"I mean we weren't engaged, or even together any more. Well except for sex before death, sex," he told her, which caused Cordelia to raise her eyebrows in response. "Hey its almost a tradition," Xander told her in his defence.
"Sure," she replied, drawing out the word, wryly smiling.
"Anyway, you'd think I'd be broken up about it, hell, I'd think I would be. Yeah it hurt, but not more than two weeks later I realised that I had feelings for someone else."
"And that's why you stayed here?"
"No, well part of. God, I don't know, I'm just all fucked up. I don't know what I want. I...I just thought if I got my own job or something I could take back my life, be in charge of it. Than maybe I would be able to work out all the other stuff."
Cordelia looked at him, questioning him with her eyes. "Has it worked?"
Xander shook his head. "It hurts being away from them," he told her. "And well me finding myself hasn't been all that great. It's not bad, but I feel as though I'm missing something."
"Buffy?" Cordelia suggested.
Xander was about to answer when he realised what Cordelia was asking. "Oh, god no. I don't feel for Buffy like that, haven't for years, Cordy."
"Well, so I'm not up on all your history, I mean when was the last time we actually talked?" Cordelia replied.
"Years," Xander admitted.
"Yeah, so give me a break," Cordelia said with a smile. Then as if she'd suddenly worked it out, she added softly. "It's Dawn isn't it?"
Xander looked a little spooked that she'd worked it out, but realised that it wasn't all that difficult. "I don't know what I want," he admitted to her. "I just know I miss her."
"Does she feel the same way?" Cordelia asked.
"I don't even though what way I feel," Xander told her. "But Dawn and I grew really close these last six months. I just miss her company."
"And you feel guilty about that, cause Anya only recently died?"
Xander shrugged. "Yeah."
Cordelia looked at him straight in the eye. "Go to England. Sort out your feelings, have a holiday, grieve, fall in love. Do all, or only some of these things Xander, but get out of here."
Xander started to argue. "But I have..."
"You have nothing. It's as though you've stayed behind to tend the graves. You need to get away."
"What if I don't want to join Giles and the others in the Watcher's Council?"
"Then don't. Just live."
End of Chapter Two