Thanks to Tim Joy, Bill Haden, Rob Clark, David Naumowicz, Red Jacobson, skippcomet, Chorlton, Sk8erGrl, VegaKeep, Whiteknight, Timid-san for their feedback. All of it was very gratefully received.
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For the Love of...
Chapter Four: Realisation
December 25th 2003
There was something so warm about this day, which was rather ironic as outside the temperature had dropped below freezing the night before and as yet, the mercury hadn't shown any signs of changing. The snowstorm that had arrived on Christmas Eve had been unexpected in its volume, but no less welcome. All of the inhabitants of the cottage had experienced winter at Christmas time, but since the three of them were from the much warmer climate of California, the 'winter' that that they experienced was almost a polar opposite to the English one they were now revelling in. And the one person, for whom the English winter was not anything new, was seeing it from a very different perspective, as he stood in the doorway, watching the other three in the front yard.
The snow continued to drift down, the tiny white flakes being blown along by a steady breeze. The visibility was cut to under fifty feet, but it mattered little to any of them.
Standing a little away from the other two, Xander had his arms wrapped around his body. The thick winter coat, gloves and beanie all keeping his body warm. He found it hard not to smile as he watched the two Summers girls put the finishing touches on their masterpiece.
The white Christmas had been both enticing and infectious. Even though at the start he'd felt like a little kid, he never even considered resisting Dawn or Buffy's effort to drag him outside and rope him into the building of their first snowman. They'd rolled up all the snow that had settled in the front yard, forming a quite substantial snowball. Xander had thought that it would make a good base, but the two girls had other ideas and said it would make a better middle.
While the snow fell back to the ground, replenishing what they'd taken from the front, they set about rolling up the side of the cottage, till the ball they'd collected was a nice proportion for the head. Dawn rolled it around till it was leaning against the already completed middle, before looking for the new stock to fill the much more substantial base.
The driveway and path that led to the road was the most obvious place, and so she set off to start, while Buffy and Xander followed behind. By the time they'd gathered the snow from the driveway, about fifty feet, it took two of them to push it. Though Xander was sure if Buffy had been one of the two, they would not have needed any other. However, he was doing something with Dawn, he felt absolutely no need to make comment. It was a little thing, but he couldn't deny the simple joy he felt from doing anything with her.
After rolling the base into position, the middle and top balls were lifted on top, then Dawn and Buffy added the old jacket, scarf and pieces of coal and a carrot to top it all off. Giles had taken a few photos of them around surrounding their creation, and Xander had to admit that he'd never thought that it would be so much fun.
Still deep in his thoughts, he was woken from them, when something cold and wet hit him on the chest. The spray splattered against his face, the only exposed part of his body. Looking up, he saw a very guilty looking (not that she was trying all that hard to hide it) Dawn, half hiding behind the snowman, while Buffy stood a little distance away, not even remotely trying to be cagey, as she applauded her sister's aim.
Smiling, he leant down, rolled a small snowball, and feinted to throw to Dawn's right. This of course made her move to the left, so with perfect timing and accuracy, Xander's snowball collided with her stomach, causing a loud smack on the waterproof coat she was wearing.
He knew he was baiting her, but Xander couldn't resist in walking slowly towards her, his grin growing as she looked up at him with a slightly hurt look, one that Xander didn't buy for a minute. He could see her hand down by her side, and knew she was ready to strike again. He slowly brought his other hand out from around his back, revealing his back up weapon, ready to be fired, at which her eyes went wide in realisation.
Just then Buffy's laughter broken through to both of their hearing, and Xander and Dawn's eyes locked. A little movement of an eyebrow on Xander's part, a wink from Dawn, and in unison they both turned and launched their snow grenades at the unsuspecting other part of their trio. Both their aims were true and the cold masses, smacked into her at the same time. At which point a stunned expression appeared on her face, which seemed to be fixed for a few seconds.
In those few seconds, Xander and Dawn fell onto the ground, laughing their respective butts off, their hand's finding the others as they fell, each giving the other a gentle squeeze as they touched. As they took their eyes of her, Buffy's shock disappeared and in the blink of an eye, she'd bent down and grabbed two handfuls of snow, compacting each in her hands, as she stalked forward towards the other two, who were having way to much fun at her expense. She whistled slightly at the two cackling opponents, making sure they knew for just a second what was coming then fired off both handfuls at once.
And so it went on and on. Snowballs flying, Xander getting frequently set upon by the other two, and lots of wrestling, when one of them hit the ground. Standing at the doorway, holding a cup of warm tea in his hands, and looking out on the playing threesome, Rupert Giles, couldn't have been happier and knew without a shadow of a doubt the decisions that he'd made, and that they'd agreed to, had been the right ones.
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There was full, and then there was *full*.
The button that was presently holding Xander's pants together had been straining since mid way through the main course, but now, Xander truly wondered if it would hold up to him standing up at all. He was sure his waist had expanded by at least six inches since they'd sat down for the Christmas feast less than two hours ago.
He remembered some of the meals Joyce use to make and invite him around for, but even by those lofty standards, they'd certainly been blessed with the spread that had been laid out for them today. Looking around the table he'd had to admit that for a while, he'd never thought it possible. No offence to any of them, but considering what their meals had mostly consisted of over the last few years, this was more than just a couple of step ups from take away pizza's. But Giles was adamant that if they could stop an apocalypse, they should have no problems in cooking a traditional English Christmas dinner, with roast pork lots of Yorkshire Pud, and more food than they could poke a stick at. Xander put aside the fact that he had no idea what the heck 'Yorkshire Pud' was, and went with it, as did the others.
The proof as they say is in the pudding, and as the Yorkshire Pudding turned out to be absolutely delicious, he'd have to say they all succeeded beyond their dreams.
"You like?"
Xander turned to his right to where Dawn had asked him. Her eyes shimmered the reflection of the fire's flames, her face almost glowing, and for a moment, Xander thought she was asking about something totally different, but quickly caught himself before replying. "It was wonderful," he told her, gracing her with his biggest smile. He then turned to the others and added, "truly, incredible. I never thought..."
"We had it in us, Xan?" Buffy asked. The grin on her face was evidence enough that she was both very happy with how it turned out, but also that Xander, their first official Christmas Guest, had approved.
"Well, yeah," Xander responded, looking just a little sheepish.
"See Giles, I told you he'd have no confidence in us," Dawn said in mock hurt.
"Then consider me wrong. That was absolutely the best Christmas meal I've ever had," Xander added.
"High praise indeed," Giles answered. He stood up and started to clear the table.
"I'll help," Xander said getting up as well.
Dawn watched as Xander and Giles collected the plates, dishes and cutlery. The day felt so good, so right. The three most important people in the world to her were there, and they had all had a fantastic day. Her memories were filled of happy Christmases. Sure most of them never actually happened, but they were good memories. And the first *real* one they'd shared in Sunnydale was a very happy day as well. But even though on occasion her mind did drift back to her Mother, Dawn knew that her Mom would want them to be happy, and she could say without a doubt that this was the best Christmas she'd ever experienced. Real or otherwise.
She didn't even pretend to ignore the little jolts she received inside each time Xander looked at her, or when their hands would *accidentally* touch each other when talking, playing, or just getting the other's attention. They'd spent so much of the last few months together; she had no doubt about the fact that they were both feeling the same things for each other. Having him living in the same house was anything but a hindrance to them hanging out. But in the back of her mind was the sure knowledge that Xander was going to be leaving in three months. Probably being sent back to the United States. She tried not to think about it. She knew that she would hate that day with a passion, and so it was only when she actually thought about if they'd have a life together, did she let such things enter her mind. Usually all she thought about was how much she'd wish that he'd make a proper move on her, and just snog her senseless. Which she was sure she would be, especially if he was anywhere near as good at kissing as what Anya used to rave on about.
After they'd all cleared away the table, and the afternoon seeped into night, she sat there, with the rest of them laughing, talking and listening to the music that played in the background. The early sunset of four in the afternoon certainly gave them a long night to look forward to. Sometime during the evening, Xander came and sat next to her on the couch, and it seemed natural to lean into him. She'd long since given up worrying about what Buffy or Giles would say about such an action. It had occurred so much, that it probably would've looked strange if they sat apart.
She was half-sure that Buffy could see that there was something more developing between them. Occasional half stairs, and little smiles, gave her clues. But she still wondered what her sister's reaction would be if her and Xander did start something official.
She'd like to think that Buffy would be very happy for them, but even though she had recaptured the great relationship she had with Buffy, she thought that it might be weird on some level to see one of your best friends kissing your sister.
Not that they had yet. Not really. Not a real, knees quivering, tingling inside passionate kiss. The little pecks they'd shared were way to 'friendly' for Dawn to even consider them their first real kiss. As Giles and Buffy got up to get some more drinks she felt the butterflies flutter in her stomach in the hope that Xander might make a move on her. He did. Unfortunately the move involved him getting up and picking up the rest of the mugs that were sitting on the coffee table. As he moved to stand, his hand came down on to her lower thigh. "I'll be back in a second," he told her, flashing a grin, as he gently squeezed her leg, before taking the mugs with him as he walked to the kitchen.
Dawn followed him as he left, her mind screaming out to him to come back here and kiss her. But even though sometime their minds seemed to be synced, on matters such as wants and desires, she'd guessed he might need some more careful prodding. Watching him go, her eyes drifted up, till they came upon the one bit of mistletoe they'd hung from the ceiling.
A smile broke out on her face as she thought about it. Sure it was a little cliched, but it might just do the trick.
She got up and walked over to the corridor, leaning against the wall, just to the right of where the mistletoe hung down, and waited.
She didn't have to wait for long.
"Hey," Dawn said lightly as Xander came back from the kitchen. Dawn was leaning against the wall in the small corridor, and smiled warmly at Xander as he approached.
"Hey, Dawnie," Xander said, as he came up to where she was waiting for him.
She playfully slapped her hand against his chest. "Hey, I'm not 12 anymore," she said jokingly.
Xander couldn't help but run his eyes over Dawn's figure, her words sub consciously making him do so. "Ahh, the one thing that you're not, is 12," Xander told her with quite a bit of conviction. He was happy to see the red blush appear on Dawn's face. For a moment their gaze met, and Xander found himself lost in the little pools of beauty he was facing. All he could think was that he'd never seen anything as stunning as the vision in front of him. "You're so beautiful," he spoke, his voice almost a whisper.
"Pardon," Dawn replied, not quite hearing what he said, and a little scared to have confirmed what it was he did say.
There was something in her voice that gave Xander all the courage that he needed. "I said," he replied, this time a little louder," you are so beautiful."
The blush appeared again, though not as much. Xander could see the corners of her lips reaching upwards just a little, and the barest of smiles forcing its way through whatever embarrassment she had. He reached down with his hand and cupped her cheek, gently, letting her rest her head slightly in the palm of his hand.
Her eyes drifted up, and after a second Xander's did as well. His mouth opening in a smile, that told Dawn that he knew it was no co-incidence where they'd met. He knew and he liked it.
Her own smile grew larger and larger.
His finger lightly rubbed up and down the cheek, before turning her gently to meet him. He searched her eyes for the signal he was waiting for. As he bent forward, just the barest of movements, he watched as she closed her eyes and leant forward a little herself, and Xander knew she was waiting for what he'd longed to do for the last month. Slowly he edged closer, his lips quivering slightly, the adrenalin pumping through his body, making him shake slightly at the thought of kissing her. The surface of his lips seemed to be tingling, as if surrounded by static electricity, waiting for that connection to be made.
Only a few inches above her, he too closed his eyes, wanting to experience the sensations of her lips on his, purely from a touch sense, heightening the little shivers that were about to flow between them.
"Daw...Oh my god!"
At the sound of Buffy's voice, Dawn and Xander both opened their eyes at the same time, just as their lips almost met. The slight movement of their heads, reacting to the interruption, threw out their alignment and that little movement resulted in their noses colliding together, their lips missing their intended target and each of them smacking against the others face, a little harder than they'd hoped.
As Buffy spoke, neither of them could turn and face her. "Umm...I'll be in the...yeah, I'll be somewhere else."
Dawn was still pinned against the wall, as Xander pulled back his head, and looked at her. "Well that certainly didn't go to plan." He laughed a little, trying to hide his frustration and embarrassment at how moment had train wrecked before their, and Buffy's eyes.
Dawn's face told him that she felt even more embarrassed that he did. She glanced over his shoulder and sure that Buffy had indeed gone. Part of her wanted to run to her room and hope that Buffy might put down what she saw as a graphically real hallucination brought on by some extremely potent egg nog. However there was two factors counting against that. One, they had served no egg nog, potent or otherwise and two, even in her most sincere wishes she knew that there was no way on Earth Buffy wouldn't be using what she'd just seen. It would fuel for months the endless amount of grief Buffy would send her way. With that in mind, and wanting to avoid actually talking about how her dream moment had turned into someone else's joke without humour, she decided to face Buffy now and try and diffuse the power her sister felt she had.
Dawn couldn't meet Xander's gaze, as she ducked out from under his arm and told him, "I better go and see what Buffy wants."
It was written plainly over her face. He wanted to stop her and tell her that one botched kiss didn't stop what they were feeling for each other, but something told him that she'd made her big move and it had fallen incredibly flat.
"Do you want a coffee?" she asked.
Xander looked up at her and saw the same smile she usually wore. The same smile that she'd worn for the last few months since he'd arrived in England. But there was a little bit more to it. An almost pleading edge that was hidden mostly, only for him to notice. He wanted to rush over to her, take her in his arms and kiss her the way that he'd hoped he would've seconds before, but that smile was telling him differently. She wanted to be reassured that they were okay, and at that moment, making sure she knew that was more important to him.
He smiled warmly back at her. "Sure, sounds good." He could tell by the subtle change in her smile, that she was gratified that they were okay, but it didn't stop him for kicking himself for not being more selfish, once she'd left him alone in the hallway. He couldn't help but look up at the mistletoe and shake his head, wondering if maybe it was fate.
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February 27th 2004
The vast library, like most of the building that the majority of Xander's classes were in, was grand in scope. The natural darkness of the wood that lined the floors, walls and bookcases, seemed even darker with the lack of natural light. The few windows that there were, high up on each of the side walls, only let in scarce amount of sunlight. For that they relied on the artificial lights that had been places at certain points around the room.
Each of the walls were stacked high with various texts and in order to reach the books on the top shelves, you had to use the sliding ladders, which were firmly anchored to each section. Then there were the rows of shelving that filled in parts of the middle section. Xander must have guessed there were thousands of books, and in studying for his classes, he guessed he would've been lucky to have read even one percent of them.
A problem, he might have with some of the traditional families and their offspring, but one thing Xander couldn't argue with was the help those families had been in rebuilding the Watcher's Council Library. Left with only a few books after the main headquarters had been destroyed, the library now was made up from many sources. Some were found in various other buildings that the Council owned in the United Kingdom. Others were donated by members of the new Council. Still more were found through sources in the government, and then others had to be bought the old fashion way. They were easily spotted. Not just the much smaller amount of dust covered them, but they also tended to have illustrated dust jackets, bland one-coloured ones, like most of the older stock.
At the back of the library was the area that was set-aside for quite study. Xander had found that it was an even better place for simply thinking. It was here where he could have time to himself without having to listen to the whispers being spread about him. His little confrontation with Worthsworld and his cronies, at the start of the course had spread very quickly throughout the whole class, and while some of the students had been suitably impressed, (Xander had figured that the Worthsworld's had trod on many toes in the past), to most of them, it had only proven their initial thought, and that was that Xander didn't belong with them here in the Watcher's Academy.
Not that he let that worry him. He enjoyed the company of some of the other students, but he was here for one reason. To learn what he needed to know, to be the best watcher his slayer could ask for. It was more than just a job description; it was his reason for doing it. So if some of the toffs were upset at him, Xander could care less.
And since they'd finished all their formal classes, Xander assumed that his contact with them would be limited if not non-existent from now on.
"Hey, Xander."
Xander looked up and saw William Dorscet approaching him. "Hey, Will," he replied, offering a seat with a wave of his hand for the other trainee to sit down. "Watch ya up to?"
"I just wanted to find you before heading off," William replied warmly. "I'm heading off to Scotland for the rest of the week, till I hear about where I'll be posted."
Xander laughed. "Well not all of us have a ancestral home to go to."
"No, not all of us do," William agreed, joining in the joke. As long as they'd known each other, Xander had ribbed William about his inherited financial back up, and William had accepted the gibes in the good grace they were given. "You're welcome to come."
Xander shook his head almost immediately. Not that it didn't sound incredibly inviting. Just that there were other reasons for him to stay. "I can't, sorry."
William nodded, understanding. "Dawn."
"Yeah, and Buffy and Giles to lesser extents. I mean I'm probably heading back to the states in a week or so, and I want to spend as much time as possible with them before I do."
"They must mean a lot to you, I try to avoid most of my family for the majority of the year."
"Yeah, well I try to do that with my actual family as well," Xander responded. "But they're more...I don't know. They're not family, they're much more."
William could see the indecision on Xander's face and let him off. "I know what you mean," he told him, even though he was only guessing as to what Xander meant. He'd never had anyone that he felt that close to, to compare. "Well, keep in touch, okay?" he said, getting up and offering his hand to Xander, which was warmly met and shaken.
"You too."
William nodded in return and walked out, leaving Xander to ponder just what exactly he was going to do. He knew that sometime this week he'd find out where he was going to be posted. None of that was a surprise. Neither was the fact he'd be in the US. A part of him was wondering if he should take it.
He'd passed the course well enough. Certainly not top of his class, but then he never expected to be. And while he was sure that half the theory they'd been taught would not be remotely useful in the field, he had to admit that overall he'd enjoyed his time here. And he was looking forward to being a Watcher in the field. But the thought of saying goodbye to Dawn was providing a roadblock in those plans.
More so cause they'd seemed to go backward since Christmas. He wondered if she was waiting for him to make a move, and then on the few occasions when he felt as though he was being very overt as to what he wanted, he was sure he could see her shy away a little. So most nights they stuck to the comfortable, very close friends stage. It was nothing for Dawn and him to snuggle together and watch TV, or listen to music, but no kissing.
And while he did enjoy every moment of that, he had started to wonder if that was all they'd ever have.
His thoughts were broken by the sound of voices coming closer.
"Sshh! Wait till were back a little further."
Xander was sure he knew that voice, and wondering just what exactly was going to be talked about he kept his silence and listened.
"I hear that they're trying to get a number of amendments put through before we graduate."
Xander couldn't see who'd said those words, but by the inflection and tone, he had a good idea. There was nothing like the sneering sound of Worthsworld's voice, to bring sharply into focus who he was, even when you couldn't see him.
"What more liberal rubbish?" one of his cronies asked.
Xander's curiosity was definitely peaked by now and though he cared little for their opinions, Worthsworld's father was another matter. He had power and position and was definitely from the old school. The type of person that drove Xander nuts that he had anything to do with this council.
"I'm afraid Rupert Giles and that insufferable Summers woman, try every meeting to tear down what we've had for centuries," Worthsworld replied.
Xander had by now crept over quietly so that he was just behind one of the stacks. He peered over the top of one of the books, trying to get a better view of what was going on.
"Surely they won't let it happen," his other offsider asked. Xander recognised him as Reginald.
"I wouldn't think so, but my Father says that he has to take things slowly. Giles has a lot of support, and with my Father not being actively involved for a number of years, a number of council members are not as giving as they once were."
"I can't believe that they're thinking about providing a salary to the slayers. Where do they think that will come from? Why should they need it anyway?" Charles complained.
Xander watched as Worthsworld shook his head. "I still can't believe they banned the Cruciamentum."
"I know that's just outrageous," Charles agreed. "A time honoured tradition of finding out if the slayer was any good. What are we supposed to do now if they are below par?"
Worthsworld may have been going to reply, but it was cut off as Xander came around the corner. His eye raging, and his temper simmering just below exploding. "How about you teach them and train them to be better," he spat at the three of them.
"What do you want, Harris?" Worthsworld asked him.
The contempt in his voice sounding just as funny to Xander as it always had. "Why are you here?" Xander asked. "You obviously care little for the Slayers. Why even bother?"
Surprisingly it was Reginald; the one that Xander actually thought might have his own thoughts that rebuked Xander's challenge. "I care for the tradition of the Watcher's Council. I care that what my family has been a part of for hundreds of years, is not thrown down the lavatory by you and your American friends."
"A newsflash, the council isn't about you. It's for the Slayers. One of these days, you might actually realise it." He turned to face Worthsworld and the other one. "Though I doubt you two will."
"You were lucky to even pass the course, Harris," Charles retorted.
"Wow, you can actually have your own comeback, I'm sort of impressed," Xander quipped back. "The only good thing about you idiots passing as well, is that you'll want to stay close to the power, here. Which hopefully means that no slayer will ever have to put up with seeing you every day."
"You and your caring for the Slayers," Worthsworld spat at him, as though the actual idea of such an act was abhorrent to him. "I would enjoy your time as a Watcher while you can."
The threat did little to move Xander. "I think you three should know something."
"Yes, and what would that be?" Worthsworld asked. His tone left no doubt in Xander's mind that he wasn't really interested.
"Your time is over. You are virtually obsolete. Newsflash, morons, there are more Slayers then Watchers now. It is about them, it should have been for the last thousand plus years as well, but now, it is definitely about them." Xander shook his head at the three of them, and turned to walk away from them.
He'd got a few steps before he turned back with a look of horror on his face. "I can't believe that you actually called Giles, an American. He'd be mortified."
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March 2nd 2004
The tapping of his toe on the hard floor was the only accompaniment to the silence as Xander waited for Giles to come and get him. The chair he was sitting on was comfortable enough, but the growing impatience inside of him was enough to make him continually squirm.
He glanced down at his watch again, and realised that, no, he wasn't late. It only felt like he'd been sitting here for ages. He got up and was about to stretch his legs, when the inner door opened and Giles poked his head out.
"Xander, good. Could you come on through?"
Giles held the door open, letting Xander walk through before he closed it and followed the younger man. Xander had been to Giles office on numerous occasions, so Giles didn't have to show him the way. Once they'd entered the office Xander took a seat across from Giles's desk and waited for him to sit down.
He casually glanced around the room, never ceasing to be amazed by the amount of books that he had in his office. He was sure that the official Watcher's Library would love to have most of them.
"How are you?" Giles asked.
It was a warm opening, but a little formal and just for a second Xander wondered if he'd gotten the reason for this meeting mistaken. "I'm fine, Giles," he replied; though now looking at Giles he could tell that the stress of his position was starting to show. Not a lot, but the bags under his eyes, were the clearest indication that a restful sleep, was not being had by the senior watcher.
"Good, good," Giles muttered, seeming to be thinking over what exactly he was going to say next.
"Is something wrong?"
Giles slipped the glasses off his head, and placed them on the desk in front on him. Xander had seen that action before and it meant that Giles had something very serious to say. "Your graduation, or not, has been the discussion of our Council meeting today."
"Okay..." Xander replied the word dragged out as he didn't really know what to say to that. He hadn't been told that there was any possible problem that would necessitate him being the topic of discussion. He'd thought about little else this week and as the days went by, his wanting to be a Watcher grew and grew. To hear that there may be a hurdle that he couldn't get over was frustrating to say the least.
"Needless to say your confrontation with Worthsworld, was not the actions that the council was hoping to see in one of it's new Watchers."
Xander couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You have got to be kidding me?"
"I assure you I'm not, no matter how much I wish that it was."
There was a look on Giles face that Xander thought looked very much like Disappointment.
"So what, cause I told the jerk a few home truths, I'm not going to be accepted into this esteemed organisation?" Xander did little to hide his distain for the Watchers Council in his words.
"Judging by your tone, I have to wonder why you would want to be?"
The confusion Xander felt amplified, and for a moment he felt like walking out and telling them all to go to hell. But this was Giles. His friend. In many ways his mentor, and it hurt to see the look of disappointment on Giles's face.
"Giles, what is this? You know that I don't see eye to eye with what used to go on here. I thought you and I were on the same page there? And I know you have to be diplomatic with things, but I don't. I remember you being less than diplomatic when you were Buffy's watcher." Xander's tone had taken a much more conciliatory edge.
"It isn't that simple, Xander." Giles took a sip of his drink, before continuing. "As you know you are very much looked upon as my student, my recommendation. Everything you do does reflect on me, and..." Giles held his hand up stopping Xander from interrupting him at that point. "...And when I have to tip toe through the political minefield that is the Watcher's Council, I had hoped for more support. Instead I find that it's usually the case that you've laid out more landmines for me to tippy-toe around."
"I'm sorry," Xander replied.
Giles nodded in acceptance.
"No, I'm sorry that you feel that way," Xander corrected, shaking his head. "I can't believe that you are actually telling me that I shouldn't have told Worthsworld that he was wrong about his way of treating the slayers. My god, that man thinks that they are just a weapon, no more important that any other piece of machinery."
"And he is just one trainee," Giles told him.
Xander stood up and shook his head. "No he's not Giles. There are many more like him, maybe more than there are like us. Your new Watcher's Council may have been conceived with good intentions, but I see very little difference from the one that it grew out of."
Giles was about to argue, when Xander put up his hand, this time stopping Giles. "If you could actually believe that I would simply keep my mouth shut and walk in acquiesce behind all that middle age crap, then you really didn't get to know me over the last few years."
"Are you finished?" Giles asked.
Xander sat down, slumping the chair. "Yeah."
"Well, as I was going to say, the council is split down the middle as to whether to have you appointed as Watcher, and it is up to me to say yes or no."
"So what is your decision?" Xander asked.
Giles shook his head. "No, it's not that easy. I want to hear it from you. I want to hear what you want to do."
Xander thought for a moment. There was a big part of him that wanted to tell Giles to go and jump in a very big lake. But he remembered back to when he decided to do this. There was one reason, and that reason still stood.
"I want to be a Watcher," Xander told him very seriously.
"Why?" Giles asked.
"Because I want to make sure that at least one girl doesn't have to go through the crap that Buffy did. That at least one girl will be looked after."
Giles nodded his head. It was what Xander had told him originally.
"To be honest, Giles, I thought we both wanted that. I thought that was what we were doing this for. To get a whole range of Watchers who would look after, train and help the Slayers."
"It is Xander," Giles told him. Xander could see even clearer now, the worry and weariness on Giles's face as he spoke to him. "But the reality of it all is that it will take time, and many minds will need to be persuaded for that to happen."
Xander was silent at this, not wanting to start the argument again.
"In the meantime, I am hoping that out of this first class, there will be some that will be following the *new* ways, and..." Giles looked Xander very squarely. "...I hope that you will be one of them."
It took Xander a moment to realise what Giles was telling him, but when he did a huge grin broke out on his face and he leapt to his feet. "Really?" he asked.
Giles stood up and held out his hand. "Congratulations, Xander. You've passed your last tests and it is my honour to appoint you to the position of Watcher."
Xander shook Giles's hand warmly. "I didn't think..."
"You exasperate me sometimes, Xander, and I have a feeling that you will cause more ripples over the years, but you are right in what you say. Your reasons for being a Watcher is why I asked you to be one, and as long as you keep to those reasons, all other things...well, we can handle them as they happen."
Xander's grin got larger again. "Thanks."
He could see the pride on Giles face and Xander wondered how the ex-librarian would've reacted if seven years ago, Xander had told him that he would grow up to become a watcher. Smiling at the thought, Xander guessed that a lot of spluttering, cleaning of glassed and denial would've been involved.
"You have enemies on the council, Giles," Xander told him seriously.
The elder watcher nodded. "I know, and I'm not alone. You, Buffy and others all have been marked by some as doomed to fail. That's why we have to be careful."
"I don't know if they'll be content to simply wait and see what happens," Xander told him. "Just watch your back, okay?"
"I will. With Willow and Kennedy are arriving next month, we should at least have some back up in numbers if nothing else."
"That's good," Xander replied. All the sudden it hit him. The Scooby's, at least the core group that had survived all of the trials of the last eight years would be in England. All of them, except himself. He hadn't seen Willow, his childhood friend since she'd left with Kennedy soon after the end of Sunnydale. He'd known that she would eventually be based out of the Watcher's Council. Having become *one* if only briefly with the essence that flowed through everyone of the chosen many, Willow was their best tool in locating new Slayers. Already she'd proven way more accurate than the old methods. Methods that had missed detecting Buffy till very late, something that Giles had reminded some of the more conservative elements of the ruling council, when they questioned bringing Willow into the inner sanctum. The look on some of the member's faces when the motion had been passed, was a memory that Xander enjoyed, and having seen the same look on Giles face soon after that meeting, he knew he was not alone.
"So do you want to know where you'll be posted?" Giles asked, breaking Xander's thoughts.
"Sure," Xander responded.
"As you were the only American studying with this class, it would make sense for you to go back to what you know."
Xander nodded, agreeing with that. He'd assumed as much.
"So, how does California sound?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
March 13th 2004
It was killing her. Slowly, softly but steadily. She felt sick to her stomach, but she could do nothing about it. He was leaving. Tomorrow morning he would be going to Heathrow and then flying back to the states and away from her. It was becoming almost a habit for them. Being separated by the Atlantic Ocean as well as the continent of North America. Only this time, Xander had done as she'd hoped he would, and getting angry would be even less fruitful than the last time she wasted her energy and their time doing just that.
She wondered if they would be forever doomed to waste the small amount of times they had together.
No. Waste, wasn't the word to describe the last few months. They'd still been talking, still hung out together. Living in the same house made it rather pointless to do anything else. But there seemed to be a barrier between them, or more precisely the *them* that she thought they would've been by now.
And on that mark, she knew it was mainly her decision. Whatever went wrong Christmas night, it had temporarily brought back all her insecurities about pursuing Xander in a relationship. The main one being that she was deathly afraid of losing his friendship. To say he was her best friend was an understatement of massive proportions, and that was not something to risk losing lightly.
She could tell that he was making little efforts to test the waters and part of her wanted to accept the offer. But a bigger part wanted to keep it safe, keep what they had. It was nice and secure, and she felt loved by him, even if it wasn't in the exact way she'd hoped.
On the flip side, she also had to admit that part of her wanted him to just jump on her and kiss her, making sure that their tongues did all the work for a while, instead of the constant thoughts that were running around in her head.
But then almost two weeks ago, he'd arrived home. His face lit up and she knew without being told that he'd passed his course, and had no doubt been told where he was going. She tried to be happy for him, really she did. She smiled, and said congratulations, hugging him tightly when he opened his arms. But she felt empty inside.
And that emptiness grew into resentment. She knew it wasn't logical, or right. And she hated feeling that way towards the person she loved so completely, but then even she knew that human emotions were sometimes not very logical. And even though she knew that about herself, it didn't cease the emotions from still manifesting and making the last week hell for both of them.
She wasn't nasty to Xander. But the closeness they had, even after Christmas was now missing. Occasionally she could see him, out of the corner of his eye, staring at her, looking for a sign, but she couldn't give it to him.
And now it was his last night. He was going to be leaving tomorrow.
Buffy had said goodnight to them both a few minutes earlier. All and all, Buffy had been more than kind in her reactions to what she'd witnessed on Christmas Day. Dawn was almost sure she felt a little bad for interrupting them, and it didn't surprise her when Buffy left the two of them alone. And while she was happy for that, and she was sure Xander was as well, it did rather leave a vacuum in the conversation. Both of them having so much to say, yet not saying anything. They were sitting on the carpeted floor. Dawn in front of the two seater, and Xander in front of one of the singles. Only a few feet apart, but it may as well have been much wider.
It got too much for Xander. "I'm going to miss you," he told her softly.
She got up the courage to look him in the face. It screamed out his feelings to her.
"Don't," she told him a little more sharply then she originally wanted to.
She could see the confusion on Xander's face as he asked, "What?"
She turned away slightly. "Look at me like you love me."
Xander's fingers touched her gently under her chin and turned her face around so that once again his look was boring into her soul. "I do love you," he told her earnestly.
She could see it. There was no denying the truth that was plainly written on his face. But the irrational doubt remained. "Then why? Why haven't you made a move on me?"
Xander looked a little embarrassed at being asked out of the blue. He sighed before answering. "Gosh, Dawn. I mean after Christmas..." He left the memory of that non-event hang there, knowing that there was no words that he could say that would adequately describe how unsatisfying that had been for both of them. "And well, with my shipping back to the states, I didn't think it would be the best thing to do."
"The kiss *was* a bit of a let down," she admitted gently.
"Yeah," Xander agreed. They'd never actually talked about the kiss. It had been this stumbling block to their feelings, and neither one of them had brought it up since then, till now.
Dawn raised her face to look at Xander and could tell that he too was thinking the exact same thing. Slowly but surely each of their mouths started coming apart, and turning up at the ends. "It surely wasn't what I expected," Dawn told him through her growing grin.
"Oh I don't know, I thought our noses must have enjoyed it," Xander replied.
She didn't know exactly how, but the tone had turned light-hearted in those few seconds, and she couldn't resist having a dig at him. "You know I expected much better from a guy with your reputation."
"Well my reputation may be slightly exaggerated," Xander replied.
"I think so," Dawn responded, a challenging tone in her voice.
Xander shifted a little across the carpet that was separating them, edging closer as he spoke to her. "But I think I might surprise you," he told her softly.
"You think," Dawn replied, breathlessly, her eyes getting bigger as she knew what was coming. There was a voice in the back of her head telling her this was not a good idea, but as his lips got closer and closer, she stopped listening. She felt his hand lightly graze against her side, as it slid up her back, just as she felt his lips touch down on her.
In that first almost fragile touching, the edges just seemed to brush against each other, before the fullness of lips settled on the other's and softly, slowly they moved against one and other.
Their bodies, that had been mostly separated as their mouths met, started to inch closer and closer. As their mouths started to become more active, passionately massaging the other as the kiss became more urgent, their bodies came into contact, and each of them wrapped their arms around the other, holding them close, as the kiss continued.
She felt Xander open his mouth, and she slid her tongue out just a little to meet his. There was an almost indescribable feeling as the two tongues met, sliding against, around, and over each other. The little nerve endings each getting massaged by the slippery movement.
Her hands were running through Xander's hair, and down his back, feeling the muscles on his body, even through the clothing. She could feel Xander's hand running up and down her back, from her shoulder blades and down to her ass, massaging the cheeks through the denim material that made up her skirt.
"Oh, god, Xander," she sighed, as their mouths broke for the first time. There was a fire burning inside her, and it was threatening to take over. His kisses had ignited it she wondered if and when it would ever go out.
Their mouths met again, and became re-aquainted very quickly. In their passion, Xander had fallen back, and she was now lying mostly on top of his body. She liked being there, looking down on the face of the man who lit up her heart. He was comfortable, and it felt so good being in contact with him. Little things like his smell filled her senses just as much as his taste and his touch did.
They rolled a little, their arms each wrapped tightly around the other, and Dawn found herself on the bottom, with Xander leaning over her. He bent down to kiss her, and as he did, Dawn, almost involuntarily, felt her hips thrust up a little. The sensation she got sent fireworks going off inside her. There was no doubt just how excited Xander was. She felt it all so clearly, and...
Abruptly the connection was severed, and Xander felt the cooler air on his lips for the first time in minutes. The warmth that his body had revelled in was now moving away, and when Xander opened his eyes, he could see Dawn looking at him from a foot away, her skirt had ridden up with their movements and she now struggled to pull it back down her legs.
"Dawn?" he asked her, wanting to make sure she was okay.
"I'm sorry, I can't," she said shifting away from him, as he inched closer his hand held out for her to grab. He could see the sorrow in her eyes, and it matched the pain that he was now feeling in his chest.
"Please, don't!" he called to her. His mind was racing, trying to work out what he'd done wrong, and more than anything else he didn't want to have his last night in England, his last night with Dawn end like this.
Dawn got up and sat on one of the chairs opposite him. She waited there and Xander knew that she was waiting for him to do likewise, which he did, giving them a nice space between them, before she spoke.
"I can't do this, Xan. Not tonight, not like this," she told him. There was a tear running down her cheek, and Xander could hear her voice breaking as she spoke. "You're leaving and...and...I don't want this to be a good-bye present."
She couldn't say anymore, and with one longing look at Xander, she got up and walked away.
"Dawn!" Xander called out to her again. "Dawn!"
On his second call, and as she reached the stairs she turned back to face him, and Xander could see that her face now ran with tears. His heart was breaking as he realised that in their passion they had said goodbye to each other prematurely. He wanted to run over to her and hold her. Tell her that he just wanted to spend the night with her, hold her, nothing else. He wanted to savour every minute of the time they had left. But with one look on her face, he could tell that wouldn't be a choice, and that the night was already finished.
"I do love you," she told him, her words broken by the emotion in her voice.
Xander had no chance to respond, before she walked up the stairs and left him sitting by himself, surrounded by only the memories of her and the fire, which roared on, oblivious in the corner.
End Chapter Four
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
For the Love of...
Chapter Four: Realisation
December 25th 2003
There was something so warm about this day, which was rather ironic as outside the temperature had dropped below freezing the night before and as yet, the mercury hadn't shown any signs of changing. The snowstorm that had arrived on Christmas Eve had been unexpected in its volume, but no less welcome. All of the inhabitants of the cottage had experienced winter at Christmas time, but since the three of them were from the much warmer climate of California, the 'winter' that that they experienced was almost a polar opposite to the English one they were now revelling in. And the one person, for whom the English winter was not anything new, was seeing it from a very different perspective, as he stood in the doorway, watching the other three in the front yard.
The snow continued to drift down, the tiny white flakes being blown along by a steady breeze. The visibility was cut to under fifty feet, but it mattered little to any of them.
Standing a little away from the other two, Xander had his arms wrapped around his body. The thick winter coat, gloves and beanie all keeping his body warm. He found it hard not to smile as he watched the two Summers girls put the finishing touches on their masterpiece.
The white Christmas had been both enticing and infectious. Even though at the start he'd felt like a little kid, he never even considered resisting Dawn or Buffy's effort to drag him outside and rope him into the building of their first snowman. They'd rolled up all the snow that had settled in the front yard, forming a quite substantial snowball. Xander had thought that it would make a good base, but the two girls had other ideas and said it would make a better middle.
While the snow fell back to the ground, replenishing what they'd taken from the front, they set about rolling up the side of the cottage, till the ball they'd collected was a nice proportion for the head. Dawn rolled it around till it was leaning against the already completed middle, before looking for the new stock to fill the much more substantial base.
The driveway and path that led to the road was the most obvious place, and so she set off to start, while Buffy and Xander followed behind. By the time they'd gathered the snow from the driveway, about fifty feet, it took two of them to push it. Though Xander was sure if Buffy had been one of the two, they would not have needed any other. However, he was doing something with Dawn, he felt absolutely no need to make comment. It was a little thing, but he couldn't deny the simple joy he felt from doing anything with her.
After rolling the base into position, the middle and top balls were lifted on top, then Dawn and Buffy added the old jacket, scarf and pieces of coal and a carrot to top it all off. Giles had taken a few photos of them around surrounding their creation, and Xander had to admit that he'd never thought that it would be so much fun.
Still deep in his thoughts, he was woken from them, when something cold and wet hit him on the chest. The spray splattered against his face, the only exposed part of his body. Looking up, he saw a very guilty looking (not that she was trying all that hard to hide it) Dawn, half hiding behind the snowman, while Buffy stood a little distance away, not even remotely trying to be cagey, as she applauded her sister's aim.
Smiling, he leant down, rolled a small snowball, and feinted to throw to Dawn's right. This of course made her move to the left, so with perfect timing and accuracy, Xander's snowball collided with her stomach, causing a loud smack on the waterproof coat she was wearing.
He knew he was baiting her, but Xander couldn't resist in walking slowly towards her, his grin growing as she looked up at him with a slightly hurt look, one that Xander didn't buy for a minute. He could see her hand down by her side, and knew she was ready to strike again. He slowly brought his other hand out from around his back, revealing his back up weapon, ready to be fired, at which her eyes went wide in realisation.
Just then Buffy's laughter broken through to both of their hearing, and Xander and Dawn's eyes locked. A little movement of an eyebrow on Xander's part, a wink from Dawn, and in unison they both turned and launched their snow grenades at the unsuspecting other part of their trio. Both their aims were true and the cold masses, smacked into her at the same time. At which point a stunned expression appeared on her face, which seemed to be fixed for a few seconds.
In those few seconds, Xander and Dawn fell onto the ground, laughing their respective butts off, their hand's finding the others as they fell, each giving the other a gentle squeeze as they touched. As they took their eyes of her, Buffy's shock disappeared and in the blink of an eye, she'd bent down and grabbed two handfuls of snow, compacting each in her hands, as she stalked forward towards the other two, who were having way to much fun at her expense. She whistled slightly at the two cackling opponents, making sure they knew for just a second what was coming then fired off both handfuls at once.
And so it went on and on. Snowballs flying, Xander getting frequently set upon by the other two, and lots of wrestling, when one of them hit the ground. Standing at the doorway, holding a cup of warm tea in his hands, and looking out on the playing threesome, Rupert Giles, couldn't have been happier and knew without a shadow of a doubt the decisions that he'd made, and that they'd agreed to, had been the right ones.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
There was full, and then there was *full*.
The button that was presently holding Xander's pants together had been straining since mid way through the main course, but now, Xander truly wondered if it would hold up to him standing up at all. He was sure his waist had expanded by at least six inches since they'd sat down for the Christmas feast less than two hours ago.
He remembered some of the meals Joyce use to make and invite him around for, but even by those lofty standards, they'd certainly been blessed with the spread that had been laid out for them today. Looking around the table he'd had to admit that for a while, he'd never thought it possible. No offence to any of them, but considering what their meals had mostly consisted of over the last few years, this was more than just a couple of step ups from take away pizza's. But Giles was adamant that if they could stop an apocalypse, they should have no problems in cooking a traditional English Christmas dinner, with roast pork lots of Yorkshire Pud, and more food than they could poke a stick at. Xander put aside the fact that he had no idea what the heck 'Yorkshire Pud' was, and went with it, as did the others.
The proof as they say is in the pudding, and as the Yorkshire Pudding turned out to be absolutely delicious, he'd have to say they all succeeded beyond their dreams.
"You like?"
Xander turned to his right to where Dawn had asked him. Her eyes shimmered the reflection of the fire's flames, her face almost glowing, and for a moment, Xander thought she was asking about something totally different, but quickly caught himself before replying. "It was wonderful," he told her, gracing her with his biggest smile. He then turned to the others and added, "truly, incredible. I never thought..."
"We had it in us, Xan?" Buffy asked. The grin on her face was evidence enough that she was both very happy with how it turned out, but also that Xander, their first official Christmas Guest, had approved.
"Well, yeah," Xander responded, looking just a little sheepish.
"See Giles, I told you he'd have no confidence in us," Dawn said in mock hurt.
"Then consider me wrong. That was absolutely the best Christmas meal I've ever had," Xander added.
"High praise indeed," Giles answered. He stood up and started to clear the table.
"I'll help," Xander said getting up as well.
Dawn watched as Xander and Giles collected the plates, dishes and cutlery. The day felt so good, so right. The three most important people in the world to her were there, and they had all had a fantastic day. Her memories were filled of happy Christmases. Sure most of them never actually happened, but they were good memories. And the first *real* one they'd shared in Sunnydale was a very happy day as well. But even though on occasion her mind did drift back to her Mother, Dawn knew that her Mom would want them to be happy, and she could say without a doubt that this was the best Christmas she'd ever experienced. Real or otherwise.
She didn't even pretend to ignore the little jolts she received inside each time Xander looked at her, or when their hands would *accidentally* touch each other when talking, playing, or just getting the other's attention. They'd spent so much of the last few months together; she had no doubt about the fact that they were both feeling the same things for each other. Having him living in the same house was anything but a hindrance to them hanging out. But in the back of her mind was the sure knowledge that Xander was going to be leaving in three months. Probably being sent back to the United States. She tried not to think about it. She knew that she would hate that day with a passion, and so it was only when she actually thought about if they'd have a life together, did she let such things enter her mind. Usually all she thought about was how much she'd wish that he'd make a proper move on her, and just snog her senseless. Which she was sure she would be, especially if he was anywhere near as good at kissing as what Anya used to rave on about.
After they'd all cleared away the table, and the afternoon seeped into night, she sat there, with the rest of them laughing, talking and listening to the music that played in the background. The early sunset of four in the afternoon certainly gave them a long night to look forward to. Sometime during the evening, Xander came and sat next to her on the couch, and it seemed natural to lean into him. She'd long since given up worrying about what Buffy or Giles would say about such an action. It had occurred so much, that it probably would've looked strange if they sat apart.
She was half-sure that Buffy could see that there was something more developing between them. Occasional half stairs, and little smiles, gave her clues. But she still wondered what her sister's reaction would be if her and Xander did start something official.
She'd like to think that Buffy would be very happy for them, but even though she had recaptured the great relationship she had with Buffy, she thought that it might be weird on some level to see one of your best friends kissing your sister.
Not that they had yet. Not really. Not a real, knees quivering, tingling inside passionate kiss. The little pecks they'd shared were way to 'friendly' for Dawn to even consider them their first real kiss. As Giles and Buffy got up to get some more drinks she felt the butterflies flutter in her stomach in the hope that Xander might make a move on her. He did. Unfortunately the move involved him getting up and picking up the rest of the mugs that were sitting on the coffee table. As he moved to stand, his hand came down on to her lower thigh. "I'll be back in a second," he told her, flashing a grin, as he gently squeezed her leg, before taking the mugs with him as he walked to the kitchen.
Dawn followed him as he left, her mind screaming out to him to come back here and kiss her. But even though sometime their minds seemed to be synced, on matters such as wants and desires, she'd guessed he might need some more careful prodding. Watching him go, her eyes drifted up, till they came upon the one bit of mistletoe they'd hung from the ceiling.
A smile broke out on her face as she thought about it. Sure it was a little cliched, but it might just do the trick.
She got up and walked over to the corridor, leaning against the wall, just to the right of where the mistletoe hung down, and waited.
She didn't have to wait for long.
"Hey," Dawn said lightly as Xander came back from the kitchen. Dawn was leaning against the wall in the small corridor, and smiled warmly at Xander as he approached.
"Hey, Dawnie," Xander said, as he came up to where she was waiting for him.
She playfully slapped her hand against his chest. "Hey, I'm not 12 anymore," she said jokingly.
Xander couldn't help but run his eyes over Dawn's figure, her words sub consciously making him do so. "Ahh, the one thing that you're not, is 12," Xander told her with quite a bit of conviction. He was happy to see the red blush appear on Dawn's face. For a moment their gaze met, and Xander found himself lost in the little pools of beauty he was facing. All he could think was that he'd never seen anything as stunning as the vision in front of him. "You're so beautiful," he spoke, his voice almost a whisper.
"Pardon," Dawn replied, not quite hearing what he said, and a little scared to have confirmed what it was he did say.
There was something in her voice that gave Xander all the courage that he needed. "I said," he replied, this time a little louder," you are so beautiful."
The blush appeared again, though not as much. Xander could see the corners of her lips reaching upwards just a little, and the barest of smiles forcing its way through whatever embarrassment she had. He reached down with his hand and cupped her cheek, gently, letting her rest her head slightly in the palm of his hand.
Her eyes drifted up, and after a second Xander's did as well. His mouth opening in a smile, that told Dawn that he knew it was no co-incidence where they'd met. He knew and he liked it.
Her own smile grew larger and larger.
His finger lightly rubbed up and down the cheek, before turning her gently to meet him. He searched her eyes for the signal he was waiting for. As he bent forward, just the barest of movements, he watched as she closed her eyes and leant forward a little herself, and Xander knew she was waiting for what he'd longed to do for the last month. Slowly he edged closer, his lips quivering slightly, the adrenalin pumping through his body, making him shake slightly at the thought of kissing her. The surface of his lips seemed to be tingling, as if surrounded by static electricity, waiting for that connection to be made.
Only a few inches above her, he too closed his eyes, wanting to experience the sensations of her lips on his, purely from a touch sense, heightening the little shivers that were about to flow between them.
"Daw...Oh my god!"
At the sound of Buffy's voice, Dawn and Xander both opened their eyes at the same time, just as their lips almost met. The slight movement of their heads, reacting to the interruption, threw out their alignment and that little movement resulted in their noses colliding together, their lips missing their intended target and each of them smacking against the others face, a little harder than they'd hoped.
As Buffy spoke, neither of them could turn and face her. "Umm...I'll be in the...yeah, I'll be somewhere else."
Dawn was still pinned against the wall, as Xander pulled back his head, and looked at her. "Well that certainly didn't go to plan." He laughed a little, trying to hide his frustration and embarrassment at how moment had train wrecked before their, and Buffy's eyes.
Dawn's face told him that she felt even more embarrassed that he did. She glanced over his shoulder and sure that Buffy had indeed gone. Part of her wanted to run to her room and hope that Buffy might put down what she saw as a graphically real hallucination brought on by some extremely potent egg nog. However there was two factors counting against that. One, they had served no egg nog, potent or otherwise and two, even in her most sincere wishes she knew that there was no way on Earth Buffy wouldn't be using what she'd just seen. It would fuel for months the endless amount of grief Buffy would send her way. With that in mind, and wanting to avoid actually talking about how her dream moment had turned into someone else's joke without humour, she decided to face Buffy now and try and diffuse the power her sister felt she had.
Dawn couldn't meet Xander's gaze, as she ducked out from under his arm and told him, "I better go and see what Buffy wants."
It was written plainly over her face. He wanted to stop her and tell her that one botched kiss didn't stop what they were feeling for each other, but something told him that she'd made her big move and it had fallen incredibly flat.
"Do you want a coffee?" she asked.
Xander looked up at her and saw the same smile she usually wore. The same smile that she'd worn for the last few months since he'd arrived in England. But there was a little bit more to it. An almost pleading edge that was hidden mostly, only for him to notice. He wanted to rush over to her, take her in his arms and kiss her the way that he'd hoped he would've seconds before, but that smile was telling him differently. She wanted to be reassured that they were okay, and at that moment, making sure she knew that was more important to him.
He smiled warmly back at her. "Sure, sounds good." He could tell by the subtle change in her smile, that she was gratified that they were okay, but it didn't stop him for kicking himself for not being more selfish, once she'd left him alone in the hallway. He couldn't help but look up at the mistletoe and shake his head, wondering if maybe it was fate.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
February 27th 2004
The vast library, like most of the building that the majority of Xander's classes were in, was grand in scope. The natural darkness of the wood that lined the floors, walls and bookcases, seemed even darker with the lack of natural light. The few windows that there were, high up on each of the side walls, only let in scarce amount of sunlight. For that they relied on the artificial lights that had been places at certain points around the room.
Each of the walls were stacked high with various texts and in order to reach the books on the top shelves, you had to use the sliding ladders, which were firmly anchored to each section. Then there were the rows of shelving that filled in parts of the middle section. Xander must have guessed there were thousands of books, and in studying for his classes, he guessed he would've been lucky to have read even one percent of them.
A problem, he might have with some of the traditional families and their offspring, but one thing Xander couldn't argue with was the help those families had been in rebuilding the Watcher's Council Library. Left with only a few books after the main headquarters had been destroyed, the library now was made up from many sources. Some were found in various other buildings that the Council owned in the United Kingdom. Others were donated by members of the new Council. Still more were found through sources in the government, and then others had to be bought the old fashion way. They were easily spotted. Not just the much smaller amount of dust covered them, but they also tended to have illustrated dust jackets, bland one-coloured ones, like most of the older stock.
At the back of the library was the area that was set-aside for quite study. Xander had found that it was an even better place for simply thinking. It was here where he could have time to himself without having to listen to the whispers being spread about him. His little confrontation with Worthsworld and his cronies, at the start of the course had spread very quickly throughout the whole class, and while some of the students had been suitably impressed, (Xander had figured that the Worthsworld's had trod on many toes in the past), to most of them, it had only proven their initial thought, and that was that Xander didn't belong with them here in the Watcher's Academy.
Not that he let that worry him. He enjoyed the company of some of the other students, but he was here for one reason. To learn what he needed to know, to be the best watcher his slayer could ask for. It was more than just a job description; it was his reason for doing it. So if some of the toffs were upset at him, Xander could care less.
And since they'd finished all their formal classes, Xander assumed that his contact with them would be limited if not non-existent from now on.
"Hey, Xander."
Xander looked up and saw William Dorscet approaching him. "Hey, Will," he replied, offering a seat with a wave of his hand for the other trainee to sit down. "Watch ya up to?"
"I just wanted to find you before heading off," William replied warmly. "I'm heading off to Scotland for the rest of the week, till I hear about where I'll be posted."
Xander laughed. "Well not all of us have a ancestral home to go to."
"No, not all of us do," William agreed, joining in the joke. As long as they'd known each other, Xander had ribbed William about his inherited financial back up, and William had accepted the gibes in the good grace they were given. "You're welcome to come."
Xander shook his head almost immediately. Not that it didn't sound incredibly inviting. Just that there were other reasons for him to stay. "I can't, sorry."
William nodded, understanding. "Dawn."
"Yeah, and Buffy and Giles to lesser extents. I mean I'm probably heading back to the states in a week or so, and I want to spend as much time as possible with them before I do."
"They must mean a lot to you, I try to avoid most of my family for the majority of the year."
"Yeah, well I try to do that with my actual family as well," Xander responded. "But they're more...I don't know. They're not family, they're much more."
William could see the indecision on Xander's face and let him off. "I know what you mean," he told him, even though he was only guessing as to what Xander meant. He'd never had anyone that he felt that close to, to compare. "Well, keep in touch, okay?" he said, getting up and offering his hand to Xander, which was warmly met and shaken.
"You too."
William nodded in return and walked out, leaving Xander to ponder just what exactly he was going to do. He knew that sometime this week he'd find out where he was going to be posted. None of that was a surprise. Neither was the fact he'd be in the US. A part of him was wondering if he should take it.
He'd passed the course well enough. Certainly not top of his class, but then he never expected to be. And while he was sure that half the theory they'd been taught would not be remotely useful in the field, he had to admit that overall he'd enjoyed his time here. And he was looking forward to being a Watcher in the field. But the thought of saying goodbye to Dawn was providing a roadblock in those plans.
More so cause they'd seemed to go backward since Christmas. He wondered if she was waiting for him to make a move, and then on the few occasions when he felt as though he was being very overt as to what he wanted, he was sure he could see her shy away a little. So most nights they stuck to the comfortable, very close friends stage. It was nothing for Dawn and him to snuggle together and watch TV, or listen to music, but no kissing.
And while he did enjoy every moment of that, he had started to wonder if that was all they'd ever have.
His thoughts were broken by the sound of voices coming closer.
"Sshh! Wait till were back a little further."
Xander was sure he knew that voice, and wondering just what exactly was going to be talked about he kept his silence and listened.
"I hear that they're trying to get a number of amendments put through before we graduate."
Xander couldn't see who'd said those words, but by the inflection and tone, he had a good idea. There was nothing like the sneering sound of Worthsworld's voice, to bring sharply into focus who he was, even when you couldn't see him.
"What more liberal rubbish?" one of his cronies asked.
Xander's curiosity was definitely peaked by now and though he cared little for their opinions, Worthsworld's father was another matter. He had power and position and was definitely from the old school. The type of person that drove Xander nuts that he had anything to do with this council.
"I'm afraid Rupert Giles and that insufferable Summers woman, try every meeting to tear down what we've had for centuries," Worthsworld replied.
Xander had by now crept over quietly so that he was just behind one of the stacks. He peered over the top of one of the books, trying to get a better view of what was going on.
"Surely they won't let it happen," his other offsider asked. Xander recognised him as Reginald.
"I wouldn't think so, but my Father says that he has to take things slowly. Giles has a lot of support, and with my Father not being actively involved for a number of years, a number of council members are not as giving as they once were."
"I can't believe that they're thinking about providing a salary to the slayers. Where do they think that will come from? Why should they need it anyway?" Charles complained.
Xander watched as Worthsworld shook his head. "I still can't believe they banned the Cruciamentum."
"I know that's just outrageous," Charles agreed. "A time honoured tradition of finding out if the slayer was any good. What are we supposed to do now if they are below par?"
Worthsworld may have been going to reply, but it was cut off as Xander came around the corner. His eye raging, and his temper simmering just below exploding. "How about you teach them and train them to be better," he spat at the three of them.
"What do you want, Harris?" Worthsworld asked him.
The contempt in his voice sounding just as funny to Xander as it always had. "Why are you here?" Xander asked. "You obviously care little for the Slayers. Why even bother?"
Surprisingly it was Reginald; the one that Xander actually thought might have his own thoughts that rebuked Xander's challenge. "I care for the tradition of the Watcher's Council. I care that what my family has been a part of for hundreds of years, is not thrown down the lavatory by you and your American friends."
"A newsflash, the council isn't about you. It's for the Slayers. One of these days, you might actually realise it." He turned to face Worthsworld and the other one. "Though I doubt you two will."
"You were lucky to even pass the course, Harris," Charles retorted.
"Wow, you can actually have your own comeback, I'm sort of impressed," Xander quipped back. "The only good thing about you idiots passing as well, is that you'll want to stay close to the power, here. Which hopefully means that no slayer will ever have to put up with seeing you every day."
"You and your caring for the Slayers," Worthsworld spat at him, as though the actual idea of such an act was abhorrent to him. "I would enjoy your time as a Watcher while you can."
The threat did little to move Xander. "I think you three should know something."
"Yes, and what would that be?" Worthsworld asked. His tone left no doubt in Xander's mind that he wasn't really interested.
"Your time is over. You are virtually obsolete. Newsflash, morons, there are more Slayers then Watchers now. It is about them, it should have been for the last thousand plus years as well, but now, it is definitely about them." Xander shook his head at the three of them, and turned to walk away from them.
He'd got a few steps before he turned back with a look of horror on his face. "I can't believe that you actually called Giles, an American. He'd be mortified."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
March 2nd 2004
The tapping of his toe on the hard floor was the only accompaniment to the silence as Xander waited for Giles to come and get him. The chair he was sitting on was comfortable enough, but the growing impatience inside of him was enough to make him continually squirm.
He glanced down at his watch again, and realised that, no, he wasn't late. It only felt like he'd been sitting here for ages. He got up and was about to stretch his legs, when the inner door opened and Giles poked his head out.
"Xander, good. Could you come on through?"
Giles held the door open, letting Xander walk through before he closed it and followed the younger man. Xander had been to Giles office on numerous occasions, so Giles didn't have to show him the way. Once they'd entered the office Xander took a seat across from Giles's desk and waited for him to sit down.
He casually glanced around the room, never ceasing to be amazed by the amount of books that he had in his office. He was sure that the official Watcher's Library would love to have most of them.
"How are you?" Giles asked.
It was a warm opening, but a little formal and just for a second Xander wondered if he'd gotten the reason for this meeting mistaken. "I'm fine, Giles," he replied; though now looking at Giles he could tell that the stress of his position was starting to show. Not a lot, but the bags under his eyes, were the clearest indication that a restful sleep, was not being had by the senior watcher.
"Good, good," Giles muttered, seeming to be thinking over what exactly he was going to say next.
"Is something wrong?"
Giles slipped the glasses off his head, and placed them on the desk in front on him. Xander had seen that action before and it meant that Giles had something very serious to say. "Your graduation, or not, has been the discussion of our Council meeting today."
"Okay..." Xander replied the word dragged out as he didn't really know what to say to that. He hadn't been told that there was any possible problem that would necessitate him being the topic of discussion. He'd thought about little else this week and as the days went by, his wanting to be a Watcher grew and grew. To hear that there may be a hurdle that he couldn't get over was frustrating to say the least.
"Needless to say your confrontation with Worthsworld, was not the actions that the council was hoping to see in one of it's new Watchers."
Xander couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You have got to be kidding me?"
"I assure you I'm not, no matter how much I wish that it was."
There was a look on Giles face that Xander thought looked very much like Disappointment.
"So what, cause I told the jerk a few home truths, I'm not going to be accepted into this esteemed organisation?" Xander did little to hide his distain for the Watchers Council in his words.
"Judging by your tone, I have to wonder why you would want to be?"
The confusion Xander felt amplified, and for a moment he felt like walking out and telling them all to go to hell. But this was Giles. His friend. In many ways his mentor, and it hurt to see the look of disappointment on Giles's face.
"Giles, what is this? You know that I don't see eye to eye with what used to go on here. I thought you and I were on the same page there? And I know you have to be diplomatic with things, but I don't. I remember you being less than diplomatic when you were Buffy's watcher." Xander's tone had taken a much more conciliatory edge.
"It isn't that simple, Xander." Giles took a sip of his drink, before continuing. "As you know you are very much looked upon as my student, my recommendation. Everything you do does reflect on me, and..." Giles held his hand up stopping Xander from interrupting him at that point. "...And when I have to tip toe through the political minefield that is the Watcher's Council, I had hoped for more support. Instead I find that it's usually the case that you've laid out more landmines for me to tippy-toe around."
"I'm sorry," Xander replied.
Giles nodded in acceptance.
"No, I'm sorry that you feel that way," Xander corrected, shaking his head. "I can't believe that you are actually telling me that I shouldn't have told Worthsworld that he was wrong about his way of treating the slayers. My god, that man thinks that they are just a weapon, no more important that any other piece of machinery."
"And he is just one trainee," Giles told him.
Xander stood up and shook his head. "No he's not Giles. There are many more like him, maybe more than there are like us. Your new Watcher's Council may have been conceived with good intentions, but I see very little difference from the one that it grew out of."
Giles was about to argue, when Xander put up his hand, this time stopping Giles. "If you could actually believe that I would simply keep my mouth shut and walk in acquiesce behind all that middle age crap, then you really didn't get to know me over the last few years."
"Are you finished?" Giles asked.
Xander sat down, slumping the chair. "Yeah."
"Well, as I was going to say, the council is split down the middle as to whether to have you appointed as Watcher, and it is up to me to say yes or no."
"So what is your decision?" Xander asked.
Giles shook his head. "No, it's not that easy. I want to hear it from you. I want to hear what you want to do."
Xander thought for a moment. There was a big part of him that wanted to tell Giles to go and jump in a very big lake. But he remembered back to when he decided to do this. There was one reason, and that reason still stood.
"I want to be a Watcher," Xander told him very seriously.
"Why?" Giles asked.
"Because I want to make sure that at least one girl doesn't have to go through the crap that Buffy did. That at least one girl will be looked after."
Giles nodded his head. It was what Xander had told him originally.
"To be honest, Giles, I thought we both wanted that. I thought that was what we were doing this for. To get a whole range of Watchers who would look after, train and help the Slayers."
"It is Xander," Giles told him. Xander could see even clearer now, the worry and weariness on Giles's face as he spoke to him. "But the reality of it all is that it will take time, and many minds will need to be persuaded for that to happen."
Xander was silent at this, not wanting to start the argument again.
"In the meantime, I am hoping that out of this first class, there will be some that will be following the *new* ways, and..." Giles looked Xander very squarely. "...I hope that you will be one of them."
It took Xander a moment to realise what Giles was telling him, but when he did a huge grin broke out on his face and he leapt to his feet. "Really?" he asked.
Giles stood up and held out his hand. "Congratulations, Xander. You've passed your last tests and it is my honour to appoint you to the position of Watcher."
Xander shook Giles's hand warmly. "I didn't think..."
"You exasperate me sometimes, Xander, and I have a feeling that you will cause more ripples over the years, but you are right in what you say. Your reasons for being a Watcher is why I asked you to be one, and as long as you keep to those reasons, all other things...well, we can handle them as they happen."
Xander's grin got larger again. "Thanks."
He could see the pride on Giles face and Xander wondered how the ex-librarian would've reacted if seven years ago, Xander had told him that he would grow up to become a watcher. Smiling at the thought, Xander guessed that a lot of spluttering, cleaning of glassed and denial would've been involved.
"You have enemies on the council, Giles," Xander told him seriously.
The elder watcher nodded. "I know, and I'm not alone. You, Buffy and others all have been marked by some as doomed to fail. That's why we have to be careful."
"I don't know if they'll be content to simply wait and see what happens," Xander told him. "Just watch your back, okay?"
"I will. With Willow and Kennedy are arriving next month, we should at least have some back up in numbers if nothing else."
"That's good," Xander replied. All the sudden it hit him. The Scooby's, at least the core group that had survived all of the trials of the last eight years would be in England. All of them, except himself. He hadn't seen Willow, his childhood friend since she'd left with Kennedy soon after the end of Sunnydale. He'd known that she would eventually be based out of the Watcher's Council. Having become *one* if only briefly with the essence that flowed through everyone of the chosen many, Willow was their best tool in locating new Slayers. Already she'd proven way more accurate than the old methods. Methods that had missed detecting Buffy till very late, something that Giles had reminded some of the more conservative elements of the ruling council, when they questioned bringing Willow into the inner sanctum. The look on some of the member's faces when the motion had been passed, was a memory that Xander enjoyed, and having seen the same look on Giles face soon after that meeting, he knew he was not alone.
"So do you want to know where you'll be posted?" Giles asked, breaking Xander's thoughts.
"Sure," Xander responded.
"As you were the only American studying with this class, it would make sense for you to go back to what you know."
Xander nodded, agreeing with that. He'd assumed as much.
"So, how does California sound?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
March 13th 2004
It was killing her. Slowly, softly but steadily. She felt sick to her stomach, but she could do nothing about it. He was leaving. Tomorrow morning he would be going to Heathrow and then flying back to the states and away from her. It was becoming almost a habit for them. Being separated by the Atlantic Ocean as well as the continent of North America. Only this time, Xander had done as she'd hoped he would, and getting angry would be even less fruitful than the last time she wasted her energy and their time doing just that.
She wondered if they would be forever doomed to waste the small amount of times they had together.
No. Waste, wasn't the word to describe the last few months. They'd still been talking, still hung out together. Living in the same house made it rather pointless to do anything else. But there seemed to be a barrier between them, or more precisely the *them* that she thought they would've been by now.
And on that mark, she knew it was mainly her decision. Whatever went wrong Christmas night, it had temporarily brought back all her insecurities about pursuing Xander in a relationship. The main one being that she was deathly afraid of losing his friendship. To say he was her best friend was an understatement of massive proportions, and that was not something to risk losing lightly.
She could tell that he was making little efforts to test the waters and part of her wanted to accept the offer. But a bigger part wanted to keep it safe, keep what they had. It was nice and secure, and she felt loved by him, even if it wasn't in the exact way she'd hoped.
On the flip side, she also had to admit that part of her wanted him to just jump on her and kiss her, making sure that their tongues did all the work for a while, instead of the constant thoughts that were running around in her head.
But then almost two weeks ago, he'd arrived home. His face lit up and she knew without being told that he'd passed his course, and had no doubt been told where he was going. She tried to be happy for him, really she did. She smiled, and said congratulations, hugging him tightly when he opened his arms. But she felt empty inside.
And that emptiness grew into resentment. She knew it wasn't logical, or right. And she hated feeling that way towards the person she loved so completely, but then even she knew that human emotions were sometimes not very logical. And even though she knew that about herself, it didn't cease the emotions from still manifesting and making the last week hell for both of them.
She wasn't nasty to Xander. But the closeness they had, even after Christmas was now missing. Occasionally she could see him, out of the corner of his eye, staring at her, looking for a sign, but she couldn't give it to him.
And now it was his last night. He was going to be leaving tomorrow.
Buffy had said goodnight to them both a few minutes earlier. All and all, Buffy had been more than kind in her reactions to what she'd witnessed on Christmas Day. Dawn was almost sure she felt a little bad for interrupting them, and it didn't surprise her when Buffy left the two of them alone. And while she was happy for that, and she was sure Xander was as well, it did rather leave a vacuum in the conversation. Both of them having so much to say, yet not saying anything. They were sitting on the carpeted floor. Dawn in front of the two seater, and Xander in front of one of the singles. Only a few feet apart, but it may as well have been much wider.
It got too much for Xander. "I'm going to miss you," he told her softly.
She got up the courage to look him in the face. It screamed out his feelings to her.
"Don't," she told him a little more sharply then she originally wanted to.
She could see the confusion on Xander's face as he asked, "What?"
She turned away slightly. "Look at me like you love me."
Xander's fingers touched her gently under her chin and turned her face around so that once again his look was boring into her soul. "I do love you," he told her earnestly.
She could see it. There was no denying the truth that was plainly written on his face. But the irrational doubt remained. "Then why? Why haven't you made a move on me?"
Xander looked a little embarrassed at being asked out of the blue. He sighed before answering. "Gosh, Dawn. I mean after Christmas..." He left the memory of that non-event hang there, knowing that there was no words that he could say that would adequately describe how unsatisfying that had been for both of them. "And well, with my shipping back to the states, I didn't think it would be the best thing to do."
"The kiss *was* a bit of a let down," she admitted gently.
"Yeah," Xander agreed. They'd never actually talked about the kiss. It had been this stumbling block to their feelings, and neither one of them had brought it up since then, till now.
Dawn raised her face to look at Xander and could tell that he too was thinking the exact same thing. Slowly but surely each of their mouths started coming apart, and turning up at the ends. "It surely wasn't what I expected," Dawn told him through her growing grin.
"Oh I don't know, I thought our noses must have enjoyed it," Xander replied.
She didn't know exactly how, but the tone had turned light-hearted in those few seconds, and she couldn't resist having a dig at him. "You know I expected much better from a guy with your reputation."
"Well my reputation may be slightly exaggerated," Xander replied.
"I think so," Dawn responded, a challenging tone in her voice.
Xander shifted a little across the carpet that was separating them, edging closer as he spoke to her. "But I think I might surprise you," he told her softly.
"You think," Dawn replied, breathlessly, her eyes getting bigger as she knew what was coming. There was a voice in the back of her head telling her this was not a good idea, but as his lips got closer and closer, she stopped listening. She felt his hand lightly graze against her side, as it slid up her back, just as she felt his lips touch down on her.
In that first almost fragile touching, the edges just seemed to brush against each other, before the fullness of lips settled on the other's and softly, slowly they moved against one and other.
Their bodies, that had been mostly separated as their mouths met, started to inch closer and closer. As their mouths started to become more active, passionately massaging the other as the kiss became more urgent, their bodies came into contact, and each of them wrapped their arms around the other, holding them close, as the kiss continued.
She felt Xander open his mouth, and she slid her tongue out just a little to meet his. There was an almost indescribable feeling as the two tongues met, sliding against, around, and over each other. The little nerve endings each getting massaged by the slippery movement.
Her hands were running through Xander's hair, and down his back, feeling the muscles on his body, even through the clothing. She could feel Xander's hand running up and down her back, from her shoulder blades and down to her ass, massaging the cheeks through the denim material that made up her skirt.
"Oh, god, Xander," she sighed, as their mouths broke for the first time. There was a fire burning inside her, and it was threatening to take over. His kisses had ignited it she wondered if and when it would ever go out.
Their mouths met again, and became re-aquainted very quickly. In their passion, Xander had fallen back, and she was now lying mostly on top of his body. She liked being there, looking down on the face of the man who lit up her heart. He was comfortable, and it felt so good being in contact with him. Little things like his smell filled her senses just as much as his taste and his touch did.
They rolled a little, their arms each wrapped tightly around the other, and Dawn found herself on the bottom, with Xander leaning over her. He bent down to kiss her, and as he did, Dawn, almost involuntarily, felt her hips thrust up a little. The sensation she got sent fireworks going off inside her. There was no doubt just how excited Xander was. She felt it all so clearly, and...
Abruptly the connection was severed, and Xander felt the cooler air on his lips for the first time in minutes. The warmth that his body had revelled in was now moving away, and when Xander opened his eyes, he could see Dawn looking at him from a foot away, her skirt had ridden up with their movements and she now struggled to pull it back down her legs.
"Dawn?" he asked her, wanting to make sure she was okay.
"I'm sorry, I can't," she said shifting away from him, as he inched closer his hand held out for her to grab. He could see the sorrow in her eyes, and it matched the pain that he was now feeling in his chest.
"Please, don't!" he called to her. His mind was racing, trying to work out what he'd done wrong, and more than anything else he didn't want to have his last night in England, his last night with Dawn end like this.
Dawn got up and sat on one of the chairs opposite him. She waited there and Xander knew that she was waiting for him to do likewise, which he did, giving them a nice space between them, before she spoke.
"I can't do this, Xan. Not tonight, not like this," she told him. There was a tear running down her cheek, and Xander could hear her voice breaking as she spoke. "You're leaving and...and...I don't want this to be a good-bye present."
She couldn't say anymore, and with one longing look at Xander, she got up and walked away.
"Dawn!" Xander called out to her again. "Dawn!"
On his second call, and as she reached the stairs she turned back to face him, and Xander could see that her face now ran with tears. His heart was breaking as he realised that in their passion they had said goodbye to each other prematurely. He wanted to run over to her and hold her. Tell her that he just wanted to spend the night with her, hold her, nothing else. He wanted to savour every minute of the time they had left. But with one look on her face, he could tell that wouldn't be a choice, and that the night was already finished.
"I do love you," she told him, her words broken by the emotion in her voice.
Xander had no chance to respond, before she walked up the stairs and left him sitting by himself, surrounded by only the memories of her and the fire, which roared on, oblivious in the corner.
End Chapter Four