Disclaimer: I still own nothing.
((Author Note: I'm back, I'm still insane, and yes, I'm a major anime fan. See if you can catch all the references. ;) All Japanese words and terminology will be explained at the end. Reviews smiled upon, flames used to toast marshmallows with, constructive criticism preferred to pointless flames.))
Adventures in Insanity
Episode 2: Nani?!?! Why is my hair purple?!?!
When Draco Malfoy woke up the next morning he became aware of a few things. First of all, he was still being tortured, and despite ghost Cedric's reassurances, he was to be the main character of yet another insanity fic. That was enough to make him want to go to sleep. Second, he wasn't in his dorm room where he should be, which made him very grateful because the memories of Crabbe and Goyle belching Michael Jackson songs (and Moonwalking) were not exactly pleasant. Instead, he was in the hospital ward, for some unknown reason. The third thing that he became aware of was that everything around him was animated. Not animated as in alive. Animated as in cartoons-animated. Wait a minute... Cartoons?!
Draco jolted up in his bed, and looked at his hands. Instead of the normal fleshy-looking real hands he had all his life, he was now just as animated as the rest of his surroundings. He glanced around the rest of the ward. Across the room Madame Pomfrey was fiddling with something on a shelf. She had pink hair. That was not normal... Warily, Draco picked up a mirror that was conveniently located on the stand by his bed. His normally silver-gray eyes were blue, and worst yet was his hair...
"WHY IS MY HAIR PURPLE?!?!?!?!?!" he screamed, looking at his reflection in horror.
Madame Pomfrey (who hadn't even flinched -- or in any other way responded to his outburst) looked over to him and smiled. "Oh, good. You're awake."
He continued to stare at his mirrored self. "B-b-but why... is my hair... PURPLE?!"
The nurse tilted her head. "I'd say that it's more of a very pale lavender. And I think it suits you."
"My hair is supposed to be a very light blond color! Silvery-blond! Not purple, not lavender, not neon blue with yellow polkadots! Blond!"
"Don't be silly. Nobody has polkadots in their hair."
Draco sweatdropped, which seemed to please Madame Pomfrey greatly.
"Oh, good. You're perfectly healthy. You should get to class now. Ja ne!" The nurse then shooed him out of the hospital wing.
And so Draco found himself standing in the hall outside, wondering when he would wake up from this nightmare. Unfortunately, he had a sinking suspicion that this was all too real. Therefore, the only thing he could really do was to go along with it. Besides, he had to admit that somewhere deep down, he was strangely fascinated at the events that were unfolding. So he decided that he might as well go to class. Which class was it that he had, though? A little voice in his head reminded him that it was time for Potions. Despite his curiosity at why there was a voice in his head ("I'm probably going crazy."), he headed towards the dungeons to where his class would be held. Besides, if he didn't, then the story would be much shorter, but he didn't know that.
As there is no need for filler, he found himself at the doorway to the Potions classroom. Which was a very good thing, for he didn't realize that if he had loitered around much longer, he would have seen a suprisingly genki Filch tango with Mrs. Norris down the hallway. Shrugging, he walked inside the lab. It was a little disconcerting to see his classmates animated, especially since none of them seemed to have very normal colored hair. But it made him a little less self-conscious about his own purple (or lavender...) hair. And the fact that at least he had a normal hairstyle while some of the other students now donned hairstyles that defied all laws of gravity. But the most disconcerting thing of all was the fact that Professor Snape (who had black eyes and dark blue hair) was dressed up as a samurai, complete with a sword strapped to his back.
"You're late, Malfoy-dono. Take your seat," said Samurai Snape.
Not wanting to meet the business end of the Samurai sword, Draco took his seat, while keeping a careful watch of those around him. Amongst the Slytherins, it appeared as though Pansy had somehow joined Team Rocket (even though he had no idea what that was) sometime between yesterday and today. Her hair was now dark green and defied gravity. Crabbe and Goyle both had annoyingly long noses, and were surrounded by what appeared to be a group of Gregorian monks who occasionally started chanting "Escaflowne!" whenever they did anything. Nobody else seemed to notice the monks. There were other Slytherins of course, including the androgynous Blaise Zabini (who looked even more androgynous animated), but none of them seemed very interesting, so he surveyed what sort of damage had befallen the Gryffindors, so that he could perhaps torment some of them later on.
Weasley's normally red hair was now a bright orange color, and his eyes were now red. Other than that, however, he seemed to be perfectly normal, if that word could even be used to describe a Weasley. Then again, he was saying something to Granger about "not letting anyone see his Gundam and survive." Draco didn't even want to know what a "Gundam" was. Speaking of the mud-blood, she looked surprisingly normal (her hair and eyes were both the color they were supposed to be, and her hair didn't defy gravity), although Draco wondered why there were a bunch of women loitering near her. And why she was wearing what appeared to be the school uniform of a Japanese schoolgirl. Potter, however was very strange. His black hair was a deep -- and spiked -- purple (although still messy), and his bright green eyes were now a very dark green. And every so often he would break into a psychotic laugh, and mutter something about how it was only a matter of time before he would "take complete control over the Digital World," whatever that meant. So perhaps Draco would have to avoid him. Besides, he was dressed very strangely.
Officially freaked out by his strange classmates, Draco turned back to Snape-sensei, who was in the process of assigning the class an essay on why the flower was so deadly, and the snake so soft. Or was it the other way around? Draco shifted in his seat as Snape went to a corner to muse about that, and wondered if they were actually going to do anything in class. Granted, he wasn't the biggest fan of homework, but on a day like this, he would welcome it with open arms, just to have some sort of normalcy. Especially since yesterday was so not normal. He shuddered at the horrible, horrible memory of yesterday.
Seeing as how the teacher was distracted with his musings, the other students took the opportunity to get out of their seats and socialize. And threaten to kill each other. Draco stayed put in his seat, not wanting to get involved with any of the freaks he once called classmates. Unfortunately, that proved to be nearly impossible, for within seconds, Pansy glomped him.
"Draco-chan," she began as he tried to squirm away, "do you want to go out and help me capture the twerp's Pikachu?"
"....."
Draco didn't know what the hell a "Pikachu" was, and didn't want to know, nor did he know who "the twerp" was, and no amount of squirming was getting her off of him (she only tightened her grip), so with a free hand, he ki-blasted her into oblivion. She had always annoyed him. He was met with wild applause from everyone else in the room, including Snape-sensei, who had taken a very brief pause from his musings, but returned to his thoughts soon enough.
Draco sighed and stood up. He knew that if he didn't interact with anyone, the fic would continue, most likely with descriptions of what some of his so far unmentioned classmates looked like animated. Therefore, he had to talk to someone. The question, though, was who? Despite the fact that there was still no plot, he somehow knew that there wasn't as much randomness in this fic as there was in the last one, so there must have been some underlying reason behind everything. It was only a matter of finding it.
He scanned the room, trying to determine who he was supposed to talk to in order to get the story over and done with. Pansy was dead, so hopefully she wasn't the person he was supposed to talk to. Crabbe and Goyle were arguing about who the rightful owner of the "Escaflowne" was, while the monks were chanting in the background. Somehow Draco knew that they were only there for a cheap laugh or two, so he wasn't going to bother with them. Snape-sensei was still musing over whether the snake was soft and the flower deadly, or whether it was the other way around, and he had a suspicion that he was only doing that because the author had nothing better for him to do. The rest of the Slytherins seemed to have strangely disappeared...
Cursing his luck, Draco reluctantly approached the Gryffindors. Not directed to anyone in particular, he slowly asked, "Does anyone know what it's going to take to get this fic over with?" For a while, it seemed as though nobody heard him or paid him any attention at all, for they simply continued what they were doing before.
Weasley was screaming at someone or another that he was going to kill them (and was pointing his gun at everyone to emphasize his point), Potter was laughing maniacally while typing something on a laptop that he seemed to have conjured out of nowhere, and Granger was talking to Longbottom (whose hair was now black, long, and in a ponytail) about something. Draco repeated his question, but no one seemed to have heard him. Or so it seemed until somehow Longbottom blew up the lab and a monster of some sort rose out of the spilled potion that he hadn't even been working on before. Granger took a few steps back, while Longbottom got into a fighting stance. Draco just stood there impatiently, wondering what the hell the author was thinking.
"Sol Cosmic Power! Make Up!" Granger yelled while throwing her right hand into the air. The women who had been loitering near her earlier began singing something that sounded suspiciously like "Ooh, Sailor Sol!" while sparkly lights surrounded Granger (who was twirling madly) until she was no longer wearing the schoolgirl uniform that she'd been wearing before, and was now wearing a sailor fuku, complete with a very short skirt.
"....."
Out of nowhere a spotlight appeared on Granger, and she began posing. "How dare you attack a classroom where innocent children are trying to learn?! For love and justice, I am the pretty Sailor soldier, Sailor Sol! In the name of the Moon and sparkly things everywhere, I will punish you!"
Longbottom was now fighting the monster, while Granger twirled some more while holding a rod that seemed to have been conjured from thin air. ("I don't even want to know where she got that from...") After about a minute of twirling (which resulted in more sparkly things and a few ribbons surrounding Granger), "Sailor Sol" finally shouted something ("Ridiculously Named Sparkly Things and Love and Justice Attack!")
"....."
A bunch of ribbons formed a giant heart, which somehow seemed to destroy the monster when it hit it. ("Lovely!") "Sailor Sol" looked pleased with herself (the rod returned to thin air), and Longbottom dropped the fighting stance, dusting off his Chinese-style clothes.
"Very well," Longbottom spoke, "but I could have finished it off myself. No need for a mere girl to get involved."
Granger (who had de-transformed) frowned, and splashed him with a bucket of cold water (which had also appeared out of nowhere), thus transforming Longbottom into a girl.
"That's it. I'm outta here." Draco began walking to the door, hoping that somehow by running away, the fic would end. Unfortunately, the door had disappeared, much to the chagrin of some random student, who had to use the bathroom. "Dammit!"
Granger, ignoring the screaming and cursing Longbottom, turned to him. "If you want out, you have to form a cast."
Draco turned to her. "A cast?"
Granger nodded. "Yes. And please stop referring to me as 'Granger'. I'm sure it's getting highly annoying to the reader, as it's highly annoying to me," said Hermione, who smiled. "Much better. As I was saying, if you want the fic to end, you have to get together a cast of characters, figure out what your quest is, go through all sorts of crazy adventures in the process, discover the bad guy, beat the bad guy, and hopefully then the fic will be over at last."
"And if I don't?"
Hermione shook her head sadly. "Then it's quite possible that you'll never leave, and whenever the author is inspired, you'll be forced to endure another round in this insane fic."
While Draco thought over his options (which took a fraction of a second), the narrator interrupted.
"What will our reluctant hero choose? Will he ever get a cast of characters together? Will the insanity ever end? And why is Draco still wearing leather pants? Find out next time on Harry Potter Z!"
Before the episode could end, Draco frowned. "Why is the show named after him?! I'm the star! I should--"
To be continued... eventually
Translations
Nani? = What?
Ja ne = See you later
Genki = Energetic, hyper
Ki-blasted = Energy-blasted
Fuku = Uniform
Honorifics
-chan = A term of endearment, usually reserved for close female friends of the same age or younger. When used on boys, it can come off as disrespectful and/or rude, unless they're considerably younger than the speaker or the speaker's boyfriend.
-dono = Archaic term of great respect, but not quite reverence.
-sensei = teacher
((Author Note: I'm back, I'm still insane, and yes, I'm a major anime fan. See if you can catch all the references. ;) All Japanese words and terminology will be explained at the end. Reviews smiled upon, flames used to toast marshmallows with, constructive criticism preferred to pointless flames.))
When Draco Malfoy woke up the next morning he became aware of a few things. First of all, he was still being tortured, and despite ghost Cedric's reassurances, he was to be the main character of yet another insanity fic. That was enough to make him want to go to sleep. Second, he wasn't in his dorm room where he should be, which made him very grateful because the memories of Crabbe and Goyle belching Michael Jackson songs (and Moonwalking) were not exactly pleasant. Instead, he was in the hospital ward, for some unknown reason. The third thing that he became aware of was that everything around him was animated. Not animated as in alive. Animated as in cartoons-animated. Wait a minute... Cartoons?!
Draco jolted up in his bed, and looked at his hands. Instead of the normal fleshy-looking real hands he had all his life, he was now just as animated as the rest of his surroundings. He glanced around the rest of the ward. Across the room Madame Pomfrey was fiddling with something on a shelf. She had pink hair. That was not normal... Warily, Draco picked up a mirror that was conveniently located on the stand by his bed. His normally silver-gray eyes were blue, and worst yet was his hair...
"WHY IS MY HAIR PURPLE?!?!?!?!?!" he screamed, looking at his reflection in horror.
Madame Pomfrey (who hadn't even flinched -- or in any other way responded to his outburst) looked over to him and smiled. "Oh, good. You're awake."
He continued to stare at his mirrored self. "B-b-but why... is my hair... PURPLE?!"
The nurse tilted her head. "I'd say that it's more of a very pale lavender. And I think it suits you."
"My hair is supposed to be a very light blond color! Silvery-blond! Not purple, not lavender, not neon blue with yellow polkadots! Blond!"
"Don't be silly. Nobody has polkadots in their hair."
Draco sweatdropped, which seemed to please Madame Pomfrey greatly.
"Oh, good. You're perfectly healthy. You should get to class now. Ja ne!" The nurse then shooed him out of the hospital wing.
And so Draco found himself standing in the hall outside, wondering when he would wake up from this nightmare. Unfortunately, he had a sinking suspicion that this was all too real. Therefore, the only thing he could really do was to go along with it. Besides, he had to admit that somewhere deep down, he was strangely fascinated at the events that were unfolding. So he decided that he might as well go to class. Which class was it that he had, though? A little voice in his head reminded him that it was time for Potions. Despite his curiosity at why there was a voice in his head ("I'm probably going crazy."), he headed towards the dungeons to where his class would be held. Besides, if he didn't, then the story would be much shorter, but he didn't know that.
As there is no need for filler, he found himself at the doorway to the Potions classroom. Which was a very good thing, for he didn't realize that if he had loitered around much longer, he would have seen a suprisingly genki Filch tango with Mrs. Norris down the hallway. Shrugging, he walked inside the lab. It was a little disconcerting to see his classmates animated, especially since none of them seemed to have very normal colored hair. But it made him a little less self-conscious about his own purple (or lavender...) hair. And the fact that at least he had a normal hairstyle while some of the other students now donned hairstyles that defied all laws of gravity. But the most disconcerting thing of all was the fact that Professor Snape (who had black eyes and dark blue hair) was dressed up as a samurai, complete with a sword strapped to his back.
"You're late, Malfoy-dono. Take your seat," said Samurai Snape.
Not wanting to meet the business end of the Samurai sword, Draco took his seat, while keeping a careful watch of those around him. Amongst the Slytherins, it appeared as though Pansy had somehow joined Team Rocket (even though he had no idea what that was) sometime between yesterday and today. Her hair was now dark green and defied gravity. Crabbe and Goyle both had annoyingly long noses, and were surrounded by what appeared to be a group of Gregorian monks who occasionally started chanting "Escaflowne!" whenever they did anything. Nobody else seemed to notice the monks. There were other Slytherins of course, including the androgynous Blaise Zabini (who looked even more androgynous animated), but none of them seemed very interesting, so he surveyed what sort of damage had befallen the Gryffindors, so that he could perhaps torment some of them later on.
Weasley's normally red hair was now a bright orange color, and his eyes were now red. Other than that, however, he seemed to be perfectly normal, if that word could even be used to describe a Weasley. Then again, he was saying something to Granger about "not letting anyone see his Gundam and survive." Draco didn't even want to know what a "Gundam" was. Speaking of the mud-blood, she looked surprisingly normal (her hair and eyes were both the color they were supposed to be, and her hair didn't defy gravity), although Draco wondered why there were a bunch of women loitering near her. And why she was wearing what appeared to be the school uniform of a Japanese schoolgirl. Potter, however was very strange. His black hair was a deep -- and spiked -- purple (although still messy), and his bright green eyes were now a very dark green. And every so often he would break into a psychotic laugh, and mutter something about how it was only a matter of time before he would "take complete control over the Digital World," whatever that meant. So perhaps Draco would have to avoid him. Besides, he was dressed very strangely.
Officially freaked out by his strange classmates, Draco turned back to Snape-sensei, who was in the process of assigning the class an essay on why the flower was so deadly, and the snake so soft. Or was it the other way around? Draco shifted in his seat as Snape went to a corner to muse about that, and wondered if they were actually going to do anything in class. Granted, he wasn't the biggest fan of homework, but on a day like this, he would welcome it with open arms, just to have some sort of normalcy. Especially since yesterday was so not normal. He shuddered at the horrible, horrible memory of yesterday.
Seeing as how the teacher was distracted with his musings, the other students took the opportunity to get out of their seats and socialize. And threaten to kill each other. Draco stayed put in his seat, not wanting to get involved with any of the freaks he once called classmates. Unfortunately, that proved to be nearly impossible, for within seconds, Pansy glomped him.
"Draco-chan," she began as he tried to squirm away, "do you want to go out and help me capture the twerp's Pikachu?"
"....."
Draco didn't know what the hell a "Pikachu" was, and didn't want to know, nor did he know who "the twerp" was, and no amount of squirming was getting her off of him (she only tightened her grip), so with a free hand, he ki-blasted her into oblivion. She had always annoyed him. He was met with wild applause from everyone else in the room, including Snape-sensei, who had taken a very brief pause from his musings, but returned to his thoughts soon enough.
Draco sighed and stood up. He knew that if he didn't interact with anyone, the fic would continue, most likely with descriptions of what some of his so far unmentioned classmates looked like animated. Therefore, he had to talk to someone. The question, though, was who? Despite the fact that there was still no plot, he somehow knew that there wasn't as much randomness in this fic as there was in the last one, so there must have been some underlying reason behind everything. It was only a matter of finding it.
He scanned the room, trying to determine who he was supposed to talk to in order to get the story over and done with. Pansy was dead, so hopefully she wasn't the person he was supposed to talk to. Crabbe and Goyle were arguing about who the rightful owner of the "Escaflowne" was, while the monks were chanting in the background. Somehow Draco knew that they were only there for a cheap laugh or two, so he wasn't going to bother with them. Snape-sensei was still musing over whether the snake was soft and the flower deadly, or whether it was the other way around, and he had a suspicion that he was only doing that because the author had nothing better for him to do. The rest of the Slytherins seemed to have strangely disappeared...
Cursing his luck, Draco reluctantly approached the Gryffindors. Not directed to anyone in particular, he slowly asked, "Does anyone know what it's going to take to get this fic over with?" For a while, it seemed as though nobody heard him or paid him any attention at all, for they simply continued what they were doing before.
Weasley was screaming at someone or another that he was going to kill them (and was pointing his gun at everyone to emphasize his point), Potter was laughing maniacally while typing something on a laptop that he seemed to have conjured out of nowhere, and Granger was talking to Longbottom (whose hair was now black, long, and in a ponytail) about something. Draco repeated his question, but no one seemed to have heard him. Or so it seemed until somehow Longbottom blew up the lab and a monster of some sort rose out of the spilled potion that he hadn't even been working on before. Granger took a few steps back, while Longbottom got into a fighting stance. Draco just stood there impatiently, wondering what the hell the author was thinking.
"Sol Cosmic Power! Make Up!" Granger yelled while throwing her right hand into the air. The women who had been loitering near her earlier began singing something that sounded suspiciously like "Ooh, Sailor Sol!" while sparkly lights surrounded Granger (who was twirling madly) until she was no longer wearing the schoolgirl uniform that she'd been wearing before, and was now wearing a sailor fuku, complete with a very short skirt.
"....."
Out of nowhere a spotlight appeared on Granger, and she began posing. "How dare you attack a classroom where innocent children are trying to learn?! For love and justice, I am the pretty Sailor soldier, Sailor Sol! In the name of the Moon and sparkly things everywhere, I will punish you!"
Longbottom was now fighting the monster, while Granger twirled some more while holding a rod that seemed to have been conjured from thin air. ("I don't even want to know where she got that from...") After about a minute of twirling (which resulted in more sparkly things and a few ribbons surrounding Granger), "Sailor Sol" finally shouted something ("Ridiculously Named Sparkly Things and Love and Justice Attack!")
"....."
A bunch of ribbons formed a giant heart, which somehow seemed to destroy the monster when it hit it. ("Lovely!") "Sailor Sol" looked pleased with herself (the rod returned to thin air), and Longbottom dropped the fighting stance, dusting off his Chinese-style clothes.
"Very well," Longbottom spoke, "but I could have finished it off myself. No need for a mere girl to get involved."
Granger (who had de-transformed) frowned, and splashed him with a bucket of cold water (which had also appeared out of nowhere), thus transforming Longbottom into a girl.
"That's it. I'm outta here." Draco began walking to the door, hoping that somehow by running away, the fic would end. Unfortunately, the door had disappeared, much to the chagrin of some random student, who had to use the bathroom. "Dammit!"
Granger, ignoring the screaming and cursing Longbottom, turned to him. "If you want out, you have to form a cast."
Draco turned to her. "A cast?"
Granger nodded. "Yes. And please stop referring to me as 'Granger'. I'm sure it's getting highly annoying to the reader, as it's highly annoying to me," said Hermione, who smiled. "Much better. As I was saying, if you want the fic to end, you have to get together a cast of characters, figure out what your quest is, go through all sorts of crazy adventures in the process, discover the bad guy, beat the bad guy, and hopefully then the fic will be over at last."
"And if I don't?"
Hermione shook her head sadly. "Then it's quite possible that you'll never leave, and whenever the author is inspired, you'll be forced to endure another round in this insane fic."
While Draco thought over his options (which took a fraction of a second), the narrator interrupted.
"What will our reluctant hero choose? Will he ever get a cast of characters together? Will the insanity ever end? And why is Draco still wearing leather pants? Find out next time on Harry Potter Z!"
Before the episode could end, Draco frowned. "Why is the show named after him?! I'm the star! I should--"
To be continued... eventually
Translations
Nani? = What?
Ja ne = See you later
Genki = Energetic, hyper
Ki-blasted = Energy-blasted
Fuku = Uniform
Honorifics
-chan = A term of endearment, usually reserved for close female friends of the same age or younger. When used on boys, it can come off as disrespectful and/or rude, unless they're considerably younger than the speaker or the speaker's boyfriend.
-dono = Archaic term of great respect, but not quite reverence.
-sensei = teacher