Disclaimer: Must I repeat myself? I own nothing.
((Author Note: Writer's block truly sucks. I developed writer's block while in the process of writing this. So I might take a break from this while I try to get some inspiration back. Reviews like, flames pointless. I don't need people telling me why I'm a sucky writer who should never write again. I already know that.))
Adventures in Insanity
Episode 3: "I am going to kill you..."
Last time, Draco woke up to discover that he had somehow become a cartoon character, as had everyone else. Not only that, but his hair was purple. Before he could get any answers, he was sent to Potions class, where his classmates had developed various mental problems (and gravity-defying hair). And now back to the show!
----- ----- ----- ----- -----
It only took a fraction of a second for Draco to think over Hermione's advice that he play along with whatever the mad author had in mind. If he went along with it, he could very well leave the insane fic before things got too out of hand. If he didn't, he might be trapped there forever.
"Very well. Where should I start?" Draco sighed in resignation. Although there was always the hope of jumping off of the Astronomy Tower.
Hermione shrugged. "Make friends." She glanced around the room. "Since Ron's got a big... um... Gundam... You might want to talk to him first. I may or may not join in later. All depends on group dynamics. Now if you'll excuse me, I must right wrongs and triumph over evil." With that, she ran out the door -- which had mysteriously re-appeared for her -- trailing cherry blossoms behind her. The random student who had to use the bathroom, unfortunately, was unable to run out the door before it disappeared again.
"....."
Shaking his head, Draco slowly walked over to Ron, who was arguing with Crabbe and Goyle over whose mecha was bigger ("....."), and waving his gun around for effect. The monks were aiding Crabbe and Goyle's argument by chanting "Escaflowne" over and over. Well, at least they were until Ron shot one of them, and the rest ran for cover.
"....."
More hesitant now than before, Draco slowed his approach. Even so, Ron spun around, and aimed his gun at him.
"Omae o korusu," said the very psychotic Ron.
Draco blinked. "Um, that's nice, but Gra-- er, Hermione, wanted me to come over and get you to join the cast." Noticing Ron's stony glare, he continued, "There will be pie."
Ron smiled brightly and lowered his gun. "Yay! Pie!" He paused. "I'm still going to kill you, though, but not until after pie."
"....."
Ron glanced to the non-existent door. "Hmm... I think I can fix that." He whistled, and one of the walls was reduced to nothing but rubble as a giant mechanical hand burst through it.
Draco blinked, and to his chagrin, found himself saying, "I am so very glad that you're one of the first people to be killed by the Jinzoningen in the future." He blinked a few more times when he was done talking, wondering just where that had come from.
Unfortunately, he didn't have much time to wonder about that, for somehow Pansy Parkinson (who was now wearing clothes very similar to Hermione's sailor fuku, only much more pink) had come back from the dead and latched herself onto his arm again. "Draccy-chan..." she smiled up at him, then glared at Ron. "Stay away from my Draco-chan." She tightened her grip on him.
Draco sweatdropped. "Um, didn't I kill you? And why is your hair pink? Wasn't the original plan to be one person per series?"
Fortunately, Ron did the world a favor by shooting Pansy, to which he was met by cheers, which soon died as he threatened those who were cheering with his gun. "Let's get out of here."
Not really wanting to stay any longer than he had to, as his classmates were seriously disturbed, as was the professor, Draco agreed, and they headed to the mecha-made door. Unfortunately, they were stopped when Professor Snape somehow appeared before it (with a bunch of rose petals surrounding him).
"I've finally figured it out! The snake is deadly and the flower soft! I want everyone to write a haiku or poem about it!" He finally took notice of the two students trying to leave. "Where do the two of you think you're going?"
Ron narrowed his eyes, and started counting off syllables on his fingers. "If you do not move/ I am going to kill you/ So move, god dammit."
Snape looked taken aback, and Draco was rather shocked at Ron's choice of words. Even he wouldn't go so far as to threaten a teacher. Even if there was some very strange sort of spell over everyone. And there would have to be, as Crabbe and Goyle were now trying to pick up girl-type Neville, who was alternating between screaming obscenities at the top of his/her lungs and throwing punches and kicks at them. His other classmates weren't faring much better. Yes, there was definitely a spell that everyone was under.
In time, the teacher finally recovered, and went into melodramatic mode (which was highly disturbing). "Alas, the life of a flower is very short. Is it time for this flower to wilt and fade into thine yonder wind?" The rose petals flew around him in emphasis. "Speak, rogue, hast thee come to challenge me?" He drew out the sword strapped to his back, and dropped into a fighting pose. "I accept your challenge! Let's duel!"
As Ron also dropped into a fighting pose, Draco knew that it would be pointless attempting to get him to join the cast at this point of time. What the hell was the author thinking, anyway? Was she really that bored? He supposed that she must be, as nothing really seemed to be happening. Maybe, dare he hope, maybe the insane fic was over.
Alas, that was not fated to be, as soon enough, girl-type Neville had succeeded in kicking Crabbe and Goyle into Ron's Gundam, knocking them unconscious, and was proclaiming victory very loudly. Normally, Draco would think that such a thing might not be very important, but as there were constant mentions of him/her, he pretty much figured that Longbottom was supposed to be one of the cast members. He sighed in resignation. "Oi, Longbottom! Get over here!"
Nev (as girl-type shall be referred to from now on) turned around and glared at him. "I will not date you, so don't even ask."
Draco sweatdropped. "That's not what I was going to ask. I was going to ask if you'll join the cast to help escape this insane fic." Ignoring Nev's glare, he continued, "I won't hit on you, because that's just plain twisted and wrong, and there will be pie."
"Will there be cake with frosting?"
There was a long pause. "Um, I suppose."
"Woo hoo!" Another pause. "Um... Do you have any hot water?"
Draco shook his head. "No, but there's probably some in the Great Hall. And maybe there'll be a way out. Just as long as there isn't a hoe-down there."
Nev shook her head and walked towards the door. "Nah, that was yesterday. Today is disco."
"....."
The narrator cleared his throat.
"And so the first two members of the cast got out of the lab. Destination: The Great Hall. Will Neville get the hot water he needs to change back into a boy? Will our heroes ever find the way out of this fic? Will Draco ever discover the reason why he's still wearing leather pants? On the next episode of Super Happy Fun Fun, My Hair is On Fire, Why is the Title so Long, Super Variety Hour with Fred and George, we shall find out at least one of those answers."
Draco frowned. "Fred and George. I'll bet that they're responsible for--"
To be continued...
Translations
"Omae o korusu." = "I'll kill you."
Jinzoningen = Artificial humans (i.e. androids, cyborgs, etc)
Fuku = Suit; uniform
Oi = A way of getting attention. (i.e. hey, yo, etc.)
Honorifics
-chan = Still used primarily for girls one is close to. When used on boys, is disrespectful, unless the boy is considerably younger, a childhood friend, or the speaker's boyfriend. (Thus, Draco is justified for his reactions when Pansy refers to him as "-chan", for she is being disrespectful, presumptuous, or both.)
((Author Note: Writer's block truly sucks. I developed writer's block while in the process of writing this. So I might take a break from this while I try to get some inspiration back. Reviews like, flames pointless. I don't need people telling me why I'm a sucky writer who should never write again. I already know that.))
Last time, Draco woke up to discover that he had somehow become a cartoon character, as had everyone else. Not only that, but his hair was purple. Before he could get any answers, he was sent to Potions class, where his classmates had developed various mental problems (and gravity-defying hair). And now back to the show!
----- ----- ----- ----- -----
It only took a fraction of a second for Draco to think over Hermione's advice that he play along with whatever the mad author had in mind. If he went along with it, he could very well leave the insane fic before things got too out of hand. If he didn't, he might be trapped there forever.
"Very well. Where should I start?" Draco sighed in resignation. Although there was always the hope of jumping off of the Astronomy Tower.
Hermione shrugged. "Make friends." She glanced around the room. "Since Ron's got a big... um... Gundam... You might want to talk to him first. I may or may not join in later. All depends on group dynamics. Now if you'll excuse me, I must right wrongs and triumph over evil." With that, she ran out the door -- which had mysteriously re-appeared for her -- trailing cherry blossoms behind her. The random student who had to use the bathroom, unfortunately, was unable to run out the door before it disappeared again.
"....."
Shaking his head, Draco slowly walked over to Ron, who was arguing with Crabbe and Goyle over whose mecha was bigger ("....."), and waving his gun around for effect. The monks were aiding Crabbe and Goyle's argument by chanting "Escaflowne" over and over. Well, at least they were until Ron shot one of them, and the rest ran for cover.
"....."
More hesitant now than before, Draco slowed his approach. Even so, Ron spun around, and aimed his gun at him.
"Omae o korusu," said the very psychotic Ron.
Draco blinked. "Um, that's nice, but Gra-- er, Hermione, wanted me to come over and get you to join the cast." Noticing Ron's stony glare, he continued, "There will be pie."
Ron smiled brightly and lowered his gun. "Yay! Pie!" He paused. "I'm still going to kill you, though, but not until after pie."
"....."
Ron glanced to the non-existent door. "Hmm... I think I can fix that." He whistled, and one of the walls was reduced to nothing but rubble as a giant mechanical hand burst through it.
Draco blinked, and to his chagrin, found himself saying, "I am so very glad that you're one of the first people to be killed by the Jinzoningen in the future." He blinked a few more times when he was done talking, wondering just where that had come from.
Unfortunately, he didn't have much time to wonder about that, for somehow Pansy Parkinson (who was now wearing clothes very similar to Hermione's sailor fuku, only much more pink) had come back from the dead and latched herself onto his arm again. "Draccy-chan..." she smiled up at him, then glared at Ron. "Stay away from my Draco-chan." She tightened her grip on him.
Draco sweatdropped. "Um, didn't I kill you? And why is your hair pink? Wasn't the original plan to be one person per series?"
Fortunately, Ron did the world a favor by shooting Pansy, to which he was met by cheers, which soon died as he threatened those who were cheering with his gun. "Let's get out of here."
Not really wanting to stay any longer than he had to, as his classmates were seriously disturbed, as was the professor, Draco agreed, and they headed to the mecha-made door. Unfortunately, they were stopped when Professor Snape somehow appeared before it (with a bunch of rose petals surrounding him).
"I've finally figured it out! The snake is deadly and the flower soft! I want everyone to write a haiku or poem about it!" He finally took notice of the two students trying to leave. "Where do the two of you think you're going?"
Ron narrowed his eyes, and started counting off syllables on his fingers. "If you do not move/ I am going to kill you/ So move, god dammit."
Snape looked taken aback, and Draco was rather shocked at Ron's choice of words. Even he wouldn't go so far as to threaten a teacher. Even if there was some very strange sort of spell over everyone. And there would have to be, as Crabbe and Goyle were now trying to pick up girl-type Neville, who was alternating between screaming obscenities at the top of his/her lungs and throwing punches and kicks at them. His other classmates weren't faring much better. Yes, there was definitely a spell that everyone was under.
In time, the teacher finally recovered, and went into melodramatic mode (which was highly disturbing). "Alas, the life of a flower is very short. Is it time for this flower to wilt and fade into thine yonder wind?" The rose petals flew around him in emphasis. "Speak, rogue, hast thee come to challenge me?" He drew out the sword strapped to his back, and dropped into a fighting pose. "I accept your challenge! Let's duel!"
As Ron also dropped into a fighting pose, Draco knew that it would be pointless attempting to get him to join the cast at this point of time. What the hell was the author thinking, anyway? Was she really that bored? He supposed that she must be, as nothing really seemed to be happening. Maybe, dare he hope, maybe the insane fic was over.
Alas, that was not fated to be, as soon enough, girl-type Neville had succeeded in kicking Crabbe and Goyle into Ron's Gundam, knocking them unconscious, and was proclaiming victory very loudly. Normally, Draco would think that such a thing might not be very important, but as there were constant mentions of him/her, he pretty much figured that Longbottom was supposed to be one of the cast members. He sighed in resignation. "Oi, Longbottom! Get over here!"
Nev (as girl-type shall be referred to from now on) turned around and glared at him. "I will not date you, so don't even ask."
Draco sweatdropped. "That's not what I was going to ask. I was going to ask if you'll join the cast to help escape this insane fic." Ignoring Nev's glare, he continued, "I won't hit on you, because that's just plain twisted and wrong, and there will be pie."
"Will there be cake with frosting?"
There was a long pause. "Um, I suppose."
"Woo hoo!" Another pause. "Um... Do you have any hot water?"
Draco shook his head. "No, but there's probably some in the Great Hall. And maybe there'll be a way out. Just as long as there isn't a hoe-down there."
Nev shook her head and walked towards the door. "Nah, that was yesterday. Today is disco."
"....."
The narrator cleared his throat.
"And so the first two members of the cast got out of the lab. Destination: The Great Hall. Will Neville get the hot water he needs to change back into a boy? Will our heroes ever find the way out of this fic? Will Draco ever discover the reason why he's still wearing leather pants? On the next episode of Super Happy Fun Fun, My Hair is On Fire, Why is the Title so Long, Super Variety Hour with Fred and George, we shall find out at least one of those answers."
Draco frowned. "Fred and George. I'll bet that they're responsible for--"
To be continued...
Translations
"Omae o korusu." = "I'll kill you."
Jinzoningen = Artificial humans (i.e. androids, cyborgs, etc)
Fuku = Suit; uniform
Oi = A way of getting attention. (i.e. hey, yo, etc.)
Honorifics
-chan = Still used primarily for girls one is close to. When used on boys, is disrespectful, unless the boy is considerably younger, a childhood friend, or the speaker's boyfriend. (Thus, Draco is justified for his reactions when Pansy refers to him as "-chan", for she is being disrespectful, presumptuous, or both.)