A Lord of the Rings fanfiction by that Crazy Person with a Pen.
A Mary-Sue parody.
Monday
EHEEE! I met Legolas today, he was just so totally kewl! He had GORGEOUS
blond hair and it was ..... well just so totally kewl! I think he might
like me, so I wore really slutty clothes but he didn't seem to like them
cos he ran away shrieking about "evil self-inserts" or something like that.
You know, whatever.
Then I met Aragorn! Oh my god he is so totally kewl! I would try to
snag him but Arwen is in the way. Stupid elf. But I'm prettier than her
and besides, his hair is like, totally gross! I'm sure there's a balrog
hiding in there somewhere, but I'll leave Arwen to find that out. Anyway,
my Leggy is much kewler.
Tuesday
Met Boromir today. He's totally kewl in a misunderstood evil guy kinda
way. Maybe I'll seduce him. But he dies and I don't want to be stuck with
some lousy dead guy. But maybe I can get him drunk on ale and then spend
one secret night with him? Yeah! That'd be, like .. well, just so totally
kewl!
Frodo's cute too, but too small. Need someone taller than me. So I can
look beguilingly into their eyes. Heehee!
Wednesday
Stuck. Saw Legolas hiding behind a rock. When I went up to talk to
him he tried to shoot me and screamed threats at me. Maybe he doesn't like
me.
On bright side, Aragorn has been making yearning puppy eyes at me. Think
he wants to cheat on Arwen. But that's not good enough - wouldn't be true
love. And true love is just so totally kewl!! Will have to sleep with Gimli
at this rate if I want to get any.
Maybe I can hold on till we get to Lothlorien or Rohan. Can seduce Haldir
or Eomer.
Thursday
Boromir sulking because I told him we couldn't be together.
But wait, now he's gone back to making pervy leers at the hobbits. Hmph.
Aragorn still giving me puppy dog glances. Will stick tongue out at him
for a hilarious jest. Ha-ha.
Legolas has been saying horrible things to me about tying me to rocks
and vomiting over me. Perhaps this is a sort of Elven love poetry?
Friday
Not a sort of Elven love poetry.
Thanks to friends Ankhsattva and Mon Capitan for helping me with this
parody. May Mary-Sue parodies live on for as long as Mary-Sues do, like
the antidote to a terrible poison.