Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Song
By starstruck and Tuvok Pi Alpha
Disclaimer: Nothing is ours. Not even the bloody PLOT. Much apologies to J.K. Rowling and whoever wrote the music to Oliver! The musical. No apologies to Avril Lavigne or Nsync. We improved their songs.
Author's Note: Another piece of insanity from us! Woo. Review right now.
%%
The curtains open to reveal an extremely large actor with fake hair covering the majority of his large ugly face, much to the audience's relief. He sitting on a motorcycle suspended in the air with translucent (yet very visible) wires holding him up. He is carrying a small baby doll wrapped in a bright green blanket in his arms. Much to the dismay of the audience, he immediately breaks into song:
SONG ONE: Almost There
(sung to the tune of Avril Lavigne's "I'm With You")
I'm riding in the air
My arse's starting to hurt
I thought that you'd be dead by now
There's nothing but the wind
I cannot see the ground
This bike is drowning out all sound
Isn't anyone trying to kill you?
Someone's gotta come take you home
It's a bloody cold night
Trying to figure why you're 'live
Won't you bother someone else
Let me go back home
I don't know why they're dead
but you... you're alive
You're aliyi-iii-eeeee-yi-eeeeee-iiiiive!
I'm looking for that house
Searching for a roof
I lost the the map that I... once had
The motorcycle's dead
Not really but oh well
I still don't know why you're not dead
I just rhymed deh-ed with deh-head!
Why am I surprised he's not killed?
It's the same old crud
Harry Potter's still alive
Won't you stop wetting the blanket
and you're ALIIIVE
I don't know why you're live
but we're... almost there
ALMOST THERE
eeeeYEAHeeeeYEAH
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Why is everyone trying to kill you?
I think I'm going out of my miiiii-eeeeee-yiiiind
You, you-you-you
You-you-you
You-you-you
You-you-you
YOOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
It's a bloody cold night
Trying to figure why you're 'live
Won't you stop wetting the blanket
and you're ALIIIVE
I don't know why you're live
but we're... almost there
As one, the audience blinks. They cannot decide what is more disgusting: the playwright's horrible characterization of Hagrid, the frequent mention of the death of Harry, Avril Lavigne's horrible music, or "Hagrid's" horrible singing voice.
It's a bloody cold night
Trying to figure why you're 'live
Won't you stop wetting the blanket
and you're ALIIIVE
I don't know why you're live
but we're –
Hagrid flings his arms but is so deep in his song that he hardly notices when the baby blanket flies out of his arms and as the baby doll to hits the floor, Harry's head falls off and hits a member of the audience. The curtain closes immediately, but "Hagrid" is oblivious.
ALMOST THERE!
The music ends. The audience doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. In the meantime, the curtain opens to reveal "Dumbledore" and "McGonagall" (in a giant cat costume) with baby Harry's headless body in front of them. Mortified, a stage crew member rushes out and grabs "Harry" taking him backstage. Some audience member calls out "it's VOLDEMORT! Save Harry, Dumbledore!" but the actor just blinks and watches the stage crewperson frantically trying to stick Harry's head back into it's socket backstage.
DIRECTOR: Ahem.
DUMBLEDORE: Oh – er – MINERVA – I'm not surprised to see you.
McGonagall throws off the cat costume, which lands in the front row, temporarily blinding three audience members.
McGONAGALL: How did you know it was me?
DUMBLEDORE: I – uh – just did? [to self] Bloody hell, what's my line?
McGONAGALL: Er –
DUMBLEDORE: Stop that, you sound like Harry. I – uh – OH YEAH! I've never seen a bigger cat.
McGONAGALL: Are you calling me fat, Albus?
DUMBLEDORE: Ye-nohhhhh.
McGonagall blinks.
McGONAGALL: I heard the Potter's were dead.
DUMBLEDORE[watching a fly zoom around the stage area]: Uh-huh.
McGONAGALL: Err. . . ARE the dead, Albus?
DUMBLEDORE: Uh-h – OH YEAH, they've potted their last pot.
McGONAGALL[bursts into tears]: How horrible.
DUMBLEDORE: Uh-huh.
McGONAGALL: Is Harry dead?
DUMBLEDORE: Uh-hu – I mean – no – too bad though.
They proceed to sing.
SONG TWO: Where is He?
(sung to the tune of "Where Is Love?" from Oliver Twist)
Where is heeee?
He whose name is Haaaa-aaaaaaaiiiiiiiirrryyyyyyy?
Is he riding on that motor-bike
That he'll soon dream-eeeam of?
Where is heeeee?
Who we close our eyes to see?
Were we stupid to trust Ha-ag-rid
With Ha-ah-ah-aiiiiiry?
Who can say where he may fly?
He has travled far and wide
'Til we are bedside the Harry who
Is still alive ... well hopefully
Where...?
Where is he?
Who can say where he may fly?
He has travled far and wide
'Til we are bedside the Harry who
Is still alive ... well hopefully
Where...?
Where is he?
The audience is mortified. Dumbledore and McGonagall wait for applause, but none comes. They decide to resume the scene. Hagrid walks in, still frantically trying to put Harry's head on.
DUMBLEDORE: Voldemort's gone.
Hagrid blinks, stupefied, as usual. Because of his momentary loss of conciousness and brain power, he drops Harry's head, which once again rolls off the stage and hits the exact same member of the audience as it did before.
McGONAGALL: DUH.
Dumbledore and Hagrid stare at her.
DUMBLEDORE: Uh-huh.
HAGRID: Cool.
Hagrid thinks for a moment.
HAGRID: BUT I doubt it.
"Dumbledore" and "McGonagall" start cracking up. Hagrid looks stupid.
McGONAGALL: He's GONE.
Hagrid blinks.
HAGRID: Um . . . okay then.
DUMBLEDORE: Uh-huh.
HAGRID: Uh . . . why are we here?
DUMBLEDORE: To give Harry to his evil aunt and uncle who will torture him for the next eleven years.
HAGRID: Oh.
A painful silence ensues.
HAGRID: What?
DUMBLEDORE: JUST GIVE ME HARRY!
Hagrid hands over the baby.
DUMBLEDORE: OH MY GOD THEY KILLED HARRY!
McGONAGALL: Don't be silly. They just beheaded him.
HAGRID: It'll grow back.
DUMBLEDORE: Okay. . . we'll just leave Harry in the freezing cold rain with this letter – but FEAR NOT! He shall be kept warm by our bye song!
SONG THREE: Bye, bye, bye
(sung to the tune of Nsync's "Bye Bye Bye")
(Hey, Hey)
Bye, Bye, Bye
Bye, Bye, Bye, Bye
Bye, Bye, Bye, Bye
Oh, Oh...
DUMBLEDORE:
I'm doin' this tonight,
Cause I have gotta do what's right!
And yes I'm always right!
I rhymed right with riii-ight
HAGRID:
I carried you endlessly,
You're way to he-aaah-vyyyyyyy
So now it's time to leave you here at this home
McGONAGALL:
I know that you will fuss and cry
When we say goodbye
I wanna see you in that door
Harry, bye, bye, bye...
ALL:
Bye bye bye bye
Don't wanna be a mom to you
Just another sing-song in this stupid play
You will hate us but we can't keep you,
Harry, bye, bye, bye...
Bye bye bye bye
Don't really wanna make you sad,
I just wanna tell you that I'm right you're wrong.
It might sound crazy,
But it ain't no lie,
Harry, bye, bye, bye
There is a long, even more painful silence. A baby in the audience cries.
DUMBLEDORE: Uh-huh.
McGONAGALL: Harry, bye, bye, bye.
The curtain closes. The audience sighs with relief.
HAGRID: Don't DIE, Harry!
DUMBLEDORE: Uh-huh.
That is, until it opens for – SCENE TWO [insert scary music here]. . .
To be continued . . .