I don't own any GI Joe characters. I know that must come as a shock to you but it's true. Well I had this strange idea. I keep trying to think of new ideas spotlighting the lesser-known characters and this hit me. When I regained consciousness I figured why not give it a try? Thought I'd start off with one of my personal one-shot favorites! (If you still don't know by now who BA LaCarte is watch the episode 'Raise the Flagg')
Getting to Know Your Local Mess Hall Cook
"Hey guys what's going on?" Lady Jaye asked as she walked into the Rec. Room.
"Short Fuse and Quick Kick are gonna put on a little show for us," Roadblock told her. Several Joes were in the lounge watching the television. On screen was Short Fuse and Quick Kick in chairs.
"Hello and welcome to Know Your Joe. I'm Short Fuse."
"And I'm Quick Kick. We've decided to put a spotlight on those Joes that haven't been as well known as they should have."
"You know there are other people on this base besides Duke or Flint or Snake Eyes," Short Fuse said. "Don't get me wrong, they're great guys."
"Great guys," Quick Kick said. "I mean I wouldn't tick any of them off."
"Neither would I," Short Fuse nodded. " For one thing, I don't have enough health insurance. But there are a lot of other guys on base too and today we are going to interview one of them. Now he's not very well known. He's not an actual soldier but he is an integral part of the team, like it or not. Say hello to our special guest today our mess hall cook, Mr. BA LaCarte!"
BA sat there waving in a large chair. "Hello everyone in TV land!"
"Guys are you sure there's nothing else on TV?" Low Light asked. "I hear on the Home Improvement Channel they're going to show some paint drying."
"It's a repeat," Sci-Fi said.
"Figures," Low Light groaned.
"First question," Short Fuse said. "Now we all know that BA stands for Bon Apetit, but what's your real first name?"
"Bernice," BA said. "I was named after my uncle."
"What was he some kind of female impersonator?" Quick Kick asked.
"No he was a forest ranger. But he did look great in a dress. He had a pretty damn good set of legs on him I'll tell you. Almost won the Miss World Competition but you know…"
"O-kay…Moving on, now how did you get involved in cooking?" Quick Kick asked.
"Oh my Dad," BA said. "He was the one who inspired me."
"So now we know who to blame," Shipwreck said.
"And knowing is half the battle," Alpine nodded.
"So how did your dad inspire you?" Short Fuse asked.
"Well we were not exactly well off," BA said. "We were down right poor. There were four of us kids that my dad had to look after my mom ran off with a magician. They both disappeared. So it was just us kids and dad and my Aunt May and her boyfriend Joe and his wife Shirley and her girlfriend Janice in the house. We were just an average normal American family trying to get by."
"It must have been crowded," Short Fuse remarked.
"Well a little," BA said. "All the adults shared one bedroom. Now that I think about it they all shared one bed. I think that was Janice's idea. Must have been very uncomfortable for them. Every night you could hear the most awful squeaking and moaning. It got even worse on the weekends when someone got their social security check and they invited some of the local barmaids for a visit. And since we didn't have a guest room…"
"I think we get the idea!" Short Fuse held up his hand. "Uh let's get back to the cooking shall we? Now how did your father inspire you on that?"
"Well he did all the cooking for the family," BA said. "He always wanted to be a chef but he could never get further than a dishwasher at the local Denny's. He said it was because the system was always screwing him over."
"So I take it that there wasn't that much to eat in your household?" Quick Kick asked.
"Oh no we always had a lot of food," BA said. "My dad made sure that no matter what every night we had meat on the table."
"And how did he do that?" Short Fuse asked.
"We lived right next to a major highway," BA said.
"You don't mean…?" Quick Kick blinked.
"You got it," BA nodded. "It was my Dad who invented road kill cuisine!"
"Well this explains a lot," Alpine groaned. He looked a little green.
"Of course my father was way ahead of his time," BA went on. "Nowadays they call it free-range all organically raised pre-processed food. It was a bit pounded but surprisingly tender. And it was almost always grilled."
"I think I'm going to be sick…" Dial Tone moaned.
"Of course that's when I learned that presentation was very important to a meal," BA said. "Sometimes Dad would serve it on a hubcap. Or a black plate with a little white line made of mayo down the middle…"
"Wasn't that what we had last week?" Quick Kick cringed.
"Now I know I'm going to be sick!" Dial Tone moaned.
"Hey at least you get a great variety of different kinds of meats," BA said. "And it's amazingly cheap!"
"Yeah what really gets you are the hospital bills after the meal," Low Light groaned.
"Can we change the subject please?" Short Fuse asked. "Before I lose my lunch!"
"How did you end up with Cobra in the first place?" Quick Kick asked.
"Well I tried a lot of odd jobs in my day," BA sighed. "Before I ended up with Cobra. I did a lot of various jobs. I was a trucker, a fisherman, an antique salesman…I even worked in the cable business until I got caught by the vice squad. But I never really found my niche. Cooking was my first and only love. With the possible exception of my cellmate but that's another story I don't want to get into. It's not what you think. Somehow I accidentally got transferred to a women's prison."
"A women's prison?" Quick Kick blinked. "But wouldn't they have figured out that you were a guy…you know right away?"
"Well when I was younger I was a lot thinner…and I didn't have the beard," BA explained. "And of course the whole Bernice thing with my name…"
"I see how that could happen yeah," Short Fuse said. "But still…"
"Oh yeah they found out pretty quick yeah," BA said. "However the nice warden of the prison decided to let me stay anyway. I became a favorite of hers. She didn't get out much. Neither did anyone else which was why I was so popular. Looking back now those three and a half years in the pen were the happiest of my life. I'll tell you one thing though; I really had to work at getting put in solitary confinement. I needed the rest. I'd had at least five dates every day for all that time."
"Five…five?" Short Fuse gasped.
"I'm starting to get a new respect for the guy," Shipwreck blinked. "No wonder he's such a lousy cook. Didn't have the time to work on his cooking skills."
"After prison one of my best girlfriends knew this friend of a friend so the next thing I knew I was enlisting in Cobra," BA continued. "I didn't really want to do anything physical after all that time in prison. I mean it was back breaking labor. I almost broke my hip a few times let me tell you. So I became a chef and ended up on a Cobra sub and the rest is history!"
"Well that is…interesting," Quick Kick gulped. "I don't suppose you can tell us some of your prison stories can you?"
"Uh not on a program with a PG rating no," BA said. "But what I can do is show you and the viewers one of my favorite recipes!"
"Oh you're going to give us a cooking demonstration?" Short Fuse asked as he and Quick Kick followed him to a kitchen area.
"Yeah I thought it would be something nice for the viewers," BA nodded.
"If he was really nice he wouldn't show us," Alpine grumbled.
"Okay here is my recipe for fifteen alarm chili," BA pointed to the table. "And I have the warning from the fire department to prove it. Now here are the ingredients, beans, red peppers, chili peppers, fire hot chili peppers, onions, seventeen different kinds of meat…"
"How do you get seventeen different kinds of meat?" Quick Kick asked. "BA…did you go on the highway before the interview?"
"Yeah how'd you guess?" BA asked.
"Oh man after talking with you I am seriously thinking about becoming a vegetarian!" Quick Kick groaned.
"Well you are what you eat," BA took out a can of something and munched on it. He offered it to the guys. "Nuts?"
"You certainly are…" Quick Kick groaned.
"This is Short Fuse signing off," He sighed. "Now if you want to know more about any other Joe, just drop me a line saying who you'd like me to interview next and I'll take it under consideration. If you want me to stop me doing this I will take it under consideration if you send a cash or money order for fifty bucks and if I get enough money for a new car…well for me either way it's a win-win situation! So Yo Joe!"
"And for us it's a lose-lose situation," Alpine groaned.
"Anybody got fifty bucks?" Low Light groaned.