Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Yu Yu Hakusho characters. I don't write
for profit, I just write for fun. So there.
OK, just so you know ahead of time, this is a yaoi fic involving Yusuke and Kurama. It won't be very long, but... well, I hope you enjoy it anyway. This is the first yaoi fic I've ever written, and it's also the first angsty fic I've ever written, and I found it to be very draining to write. So hopefully all my hard efforts won't be wasted and I'll turn out something enjoyable.
So, basically, this fic is mostly Yusuke talking to himself. To keep the two Yusuke's straight, just remember that the voice of reason's dialogue will be in single quotations ( ' ) and that Yusuke talking out loud will be in double quotations ( " ).
Also, when you see this: +--+--+--+--+--+ It means the start of a flashback.
And this: --+--+--+--+--+-- Means the end of a flashback.
- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *
"I love you." The words came out quietly, softly, and they surprised Yusuke.
"What?" he asked, his voice almost a whisper.
"I love you, Yusuke," the boy across from him said again. "I've always loved you."
Yusuke could hardly breathe. He just stared into the deep green eyes that gazed back into his. "Kurama..."
Kurama's eyes went down, unable to look the other boy straight in the face. "I realize that you couldn't possibly return my feelings for you, but..." He looked back up again into Yusuke's brown eyes. "I just wanted you to know."
Yusuke couldn't find the right words to say. He wanted to tell him, but... he couldn't make himself say what he was feeling. He couldn't say what he had always felt. Something was holding him back. They sat in silence for a long, awkward moment.
"I'm sorry," Kurama said, taking Yusuke's silence as rejection. "I'll take my leave of you now."
"OK," Yusuke said, dumbfounded, following him to the door. 'OK? That's all I can say to him?'
"Goodbye," Kurama said, opening the door to leave.
'No! Don't go! Wait!' Yusuke's mind was screaming for him to grab the redheaded boy, to bring him back in, to tell him everything. But he was gone now. He had left. Yusuke was all alone again.
The dark haired boy dazedly walked back to the living room and collapsed on a couch. "He's gone. I didn't tell him anything. He's gone."
'And what would you have told him?' his inner voice asked him.
"I don't know," Yusuke said.
'You can't love him,' the voice said. 'That's just not you. You're not gay.'
"I know, but," Yusuke said, "these feelings..."
'Those feelings are wrong,' the voice told him. 'You should forget about them.'
"You've been telling me to do that for such a long time," Yusuke said, upset. "How am I supposed to forget them?"
'You're a man, damnit!' the voice yelled. 'Men are supposed to want girls! That's what's right. That's what's natural.'
"That's what society says," Yusuke commented. "But when I'm with him..."
The voice sighed. 'It just feels so right.'
+--+--+--+--+--+
Yusuke sat on the roof of the hospital, the Forlorn Hope in his hand. He was laughing with Botan over a job well done when he heard the door to the stairs open. He turned to see Kurama standing in the doorway.
The redhead sighed with relief. "Oh good, I was afraid you had died."
Yusuke laughed. "I've been dead before, I don't intend to go back anytime soon."
Kurama smiled. "I'm glad to hear that. I didn't want to have a guilty conscience for causing your death."
"Hey, I chose to offer my life to the Forlorn Hope, you couldn't have stopped me," Yusuke grinned. "How's your mom?"
"She's going to make a full recovery," he offered his hand to help Yusuke up. "Thank you."
Yusuke grabbed his hand and he was pulled up to his feet. Brown eyes met green ones as their hands lingered together for a moment. Kurama's hands were soft yet strong, just as Yusuke expected them to be. His own hands were rough and hard from years of punching.
Botan, who felt she was being ignored, coughed to make her presence known.
Startled, both boys let go and turned away from each other, blushing profusely.
"Sorry," the said in unison.
--+--+--+--+--+--
"Of course I remember that," Yusuke said to himself. "I've never quite felt the same since."
'So what did you do?' the voice asked him.
"I paid more attention to Kayko, to try and fool everybody, to try and fool myself, that I was in love with her," Yusuke explained.
'Were you?'
"I did love her, I still do," he paused. "Just not like that. She was always more like... my baby sister. But she loved me.. At least, I thought she did."
'But not anymore. She could tell, even when everyone else couldn't. She knew your heart wasn't in the relationship.'
+--+--+--+--+--+
"Yusuke?" Kayko sat across from him in a booth at McDonald's, sipping on a Coke.
"Yeah?" asked Yusuke, stealing a few of her uneaten fries.
She sighed. "What's going on?"
Yusuke looked confused. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, look at us! Look at them!" she said, pointing to other couples in the restaurant. "Why aren't we like them?"
Yusuke looked at the other people; they were kissing, holding hands, making googly, lovey-dovey eyes. "What do you want to be like them for?"
Kayko looked down into her coke. "They just seem so much... happier."
"You're not happy?" Yusuke asked.
"You're not," Kayko said.
Yusuke looked at her for a few moments, trying to think of the right words to say. "What do you mean, I'm not happy? I'm happy! I'm having a great time!"
"I mean you're not happy with me," Kayko said. "You don't love me."
"And you think they love each other?" Yusuke pointed to the other couples. "I bet that most of them will have broken up and found new loves before the end of the year."
"That's not the point!" Kayko said. She shook her head. "I was blind for so long... but I understand now."
Yusuke could say nothing to stop her.
"I just want you to be happy, Yusuke," she said. "And I now know that I can't do that for you. I wish with all my heart that I could, but I can't... I'm sorry."
--+--+--+--+--+--
"I see her around school every so often," Yusuke said.
'But it's not the same anymore.'
"No, it's not. We want to be friends, we really do, but..." Yusuke sighed.
'You could've avoided that situation if you hadn't started dating her.'
"I had to do something. I was scared..." Yusuke headed for the kitchen.
'Scared of your own feelings?'
"Yes!" He searched through the cupboards for a glass, and then opened the fridge.
'Why? What is it you're afraid of?'
"I don't know," he grabbed the container of milk and started to pour it.
'Damnit, Yusuke, why can't you just admit it?'
"Admit what?" he asked angrily.
"Yusuke! I'm home!" Atsuko's voice came from the front door. She came into the kitchen and searched through the cupboards for her bottle of sake. "Who were you talking to?"
'Now you're in trouble... make up something, quick!'
"Oh, uh... I was on the phone!" Yusuke lied. He laughed nervously. "Telemarketer... heheh..."
'That's the best you could come up with?'
"Oh, OK." Atsuko said, pouring herself a glass. "Want some?"
"No, no thanks, I have some milk," Yusuke looked around for where he had left his glass of milk and grabbed it. "Besides, you know you're not supposed to let me drink."
"Oh yeah," she laughed. "I keep forgetting that you're younger than me."
"Wouldn't I have to be?" he asked.
"Yes, I suppose so. It's just that I hardly see you anymore," she said. "It almost feels like you're not my son."
The words stung him, even if they were meant light-heartedly. 'Of course, when I am here, she's off partying, so she's partly to blame.'
He finished off his milk and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "Hey, I'm going out, OK?"
"Where are you going?" Atsuko asked.
"I thought I'd just walk around for a bit. Try to clear my mind." Yusuke headed for the door.
"Well, take a jacket! It's cold outside!" Atsuko yelled to him as he left.
- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *
A/N: Yikes, this chapter really took a lot out of me.
OK, so this is part one. Part two is coming up next. I swear I'll update as soon as possible, so if you'd please give me some reviews, that'd be great.
OK, just so you know ahead of time, this is a yaoi fic involving Yusuke and Kurama. It won't be very long, but... well, I hope you enjoy it anyway. This is the first yaoi fic I've ever written, and it's also the first angsty fic I've ever written, and I found it to be very draining to write. So hopefully all my hard efforts won't be wasted and I'll turn out something enjoyable.
So, basically, this fic is mostly Yusuke talking to himself. To keep the two Yusuke's straight, just remember that the voice of reason's dialogue will be in single quotations ( ' ) and that Yusuke talking out loud will be in double quotations ( " ).
Also, when you see this: +--+--+--+--+--+ It means the start of a flashback.
And this: --+--+--+--+--+-- Means the end of a flashback.
- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *
"I love you." The words came out quietly, softly, and they surprised Yusuke.
"What?" he asked, his voice almost a whisper.
"I love you, Yusuke," the boy across from him said again. "I've always loved you."
Yusuke could hardly breathe. He just stared into the deep green eyes that gazed back into his. "Kurama..."
Kurama's eyes went down, unable to look the other boy straight in the face. "I realize that you couldn't possibly return my feelings for you, but..." He looked back up again into Yusuke's brown eyes. "I just wanted you to know."
Yusuke couldn't find the right words to say. He wanted to tell him, but... he couldn't make himself say what he was feeling. He couldn't say what he had always felt. Something was holding him back. They sat in silence for a long, awkward moment.
"I'm sorry," Kurama said, taking Yusuke's silence as rejection. "I'll take my leave of you now."
"OK," Yusuke said, dumbfounded, following him to the door. 'OK? That's all I can say to him?'
"Goodbye," Kurama said, opening the door to leave.
'No! Don't go! Wait!' Yusuke's mind was screaming for him to grab the redheaded boy, to bring him back in, to tell him everything. But he was gone now. He had left. Yusuke was all alone again.
The dark haired boy dazedly walked back to the living room and collapsed on a couch. "He's gone. I didn't tell him anything. He's gone."
'And what would you have told him?' his inner voice asked him.
"I don't know," Yusuke said.
'You can't love him,' the voice said. 'That's just not you. You're not gay.'
"I know, but," Yusuke said, "these feelings..."
'Those feelings are wrong,' the voice told him. 'You should forget about them.'
"You've been telling me to do that for such a long time," Yusuke said, upset. "How am I supposed to forget them?"
'You're a man, damnit!' the voice yelled. 'Men are supposed to want girls! That's what's right. That's what's natural.'
"That's what society says," Yusuke commented. "But when I'm with him..."
The voice sighed. 'It just feels so right.'
+--+--+--+--+--+
Yusuke sat on the roof of the hospital, the Forlorn Hope in his hand. He was laughing with Botan over a job well done when he heard the door to the stairs open. He turned to see Kurama standing in the doorway.
The redhead sighed with relief. "Oh good, I was afraid you had died."
Yusuke laughed. "I've been dead before, I don't intend to go back anytime soon."
Kurama smiled. "I'm glad to hear that. I didn't want to have a guilty conscience for causing your death."
"Hey, I chose to offer my life to the Forlorn Hope, you couldn't have stopped me," Yusuke grinned. "How's your mom?"
"She's going to make a full recovery," he offered his hand to help Yusuke up. "Thank you."
Yusuke grabbed his hand and he was pulled up to his feet. Brown eyes met green ones as their hands lingered together for a moment. Kurama's hands were soft yet strong, just as Yusuke expected them to be. His own hands were rough and hard from years of punching.
Botan, who felt she was being ignored, coughed to make her presence known.
Startled, both boys let go and turned away from each other, blushing profusely.
"Sorry," the said in unison.
--+--+--+--+--+--
"Of course I remember that," Yusuke said to himself. "I've never quite felt the same since."
'So what did you do?' the voice asked him.
"I paid more attention to Kayko, to try and fool everybody, to try and fool myself, that I was in love with her," Yusuke explained.
'Were you?'
"I did love her, I still do," he paused. "Just not like that. She was always more like... my baby sister. But she loved me.. At least, I thought she did."
'But not anymore. She could tell, even when everyone else couldn't. She knew your heart wasn't in the relationship.'
+--+--+--+--+--+
"Yusuke?" Kayko sat across from him in a booth at McDonald's, sipping on a Coke.
"Yeah?" asked Yusuke, stealing a few of her uneaten fries.
She sighed. "What's going on?"
Yusuke looked confused. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, look at us! Look at them!" she said, pointing to other couples in the restaurant. "Why aren't we like them?"
Yusuke looked at the other people; they were kissing, holding hands, making googly, lovey-dovey eyes. "What do you want to be like them for?"
Kayko looked down into her coke. "They just seem so much... happier."
"You're not happy?" Yusuke asked.
"You're not," Kayko said.
Yusuke looked at her for a few moments, trying to think of the right words to say. "What do you mean, I'm not happy? I'm happy! I'm having a great time!"
"I mean you're not happy with me," Kayko said. "You don't love me."
"And you think they love each other?" Yusuke pointed to the other couples. "I bet that most of them will have broken up and found new loves before the end of the year."
"That's not the point!" Kayko said. She shook her head. "I was blind for so long... but I understand now."
Yusuke could say nothing to stop her.
"I just want you to be happy, Yusuke," she said. "And I now know that I can't do that for you. I wish with all my heart that I could, but I can't... I'm sorry."
--+--+--+--+--+--
"I see her around school every so often," Yusuke said.
'But it's not the same anymore.'
"No, it's not. We want to be friends, we really do, but..." Yusuke sighed.
'You could've avoided that situation if you hadn't started dating her.'
"I had to do something. I was scared..." Yusuke headed for the kitchen.
'Scared of your own feelings?'
"Yes!" He searched through the cupboards for a glass, and then opened the fridge.
'Why? What is it you're afraid of?'
"I don't know," he grabbed the container of milk and started to pour it.
'Damnit, Yusuke, why can't you just admit it?'
"Admit what?" he asked angrily.
"Yusuke! I'm home!" Atsuko's voice came from the front door. She came into the kitchen and searched through the cupboards for her bottle of sake. "Who were you talking to?"
'Now you're in trouble... make up something, quick!'
"Oh, uh... I was on the phone!" Yusuke lied. He laughed nervously. "Telemarketer... heheh..."
'That's the best you could come up with?'
"Oh, OK." Atsuko said, pouring herself a glass. "Want some?"
"No, no thanks, I have some milk," Yusuke looked around for where he had left his glass of milk and grabbed it. "Besides, you know you're not supposed to let me drink."
"Oh yeah," she laughed. "I keep forgetting that you're younger than me."
"Wouldn't I have to be?" he asked.
"Yes, I suppose so. It's just that I hardly see you anymore," she said. "It almost feels like you're not my son."
The words stung him, even if they were meant light-heartedly. 'Of course, when I am here, she's off partying, so she's partly to blame.'
He finished off his milk and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "Hey, I'm going out, OK?"
"Where are you going?" Atsuko asked.
"I thought I'd just walk around for a bit. Try to clear my mind." Yusuke headed for the door.
"Well, take a jacket! It's cold outside!" Atsuko yelled to him as he left.
- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - *
A/N: Yikes, this chapter really took a lot out of me.
OK, so this is part one. Part two is coming up next. I swear I'll update as soon as possible, so if you'd please give me some reviews, that'd be great.