by Ben Miles
Prologue: Concerning Medical Assistants
What is a medical assistant?
I suppose medical assistants need a bit of explaining nowadays, as many people are unfamiliar with these diminutive folk who carry out the lesser tasks around a medical office.
According to an ancient text recording the meanings of words, a medical assistant is "a person trained to assist medical professionals."
The 3rd Plaid Book of Jobs At St Louis University goes on to describe the day to day tasks of these fascinating non-magical beings: "Under general supervision, assists physician and staff members in providing optimal ambulatory health care to patients; stocks and maintains exam rooms and nurses stations; assists with clinical and clerical duties."
The medical assistant doesn't do much to attract attention to herself, as they prefer to go unnoticed by the general population. They can often be seen sitting in the break-room eating donuts and reading the break-room copy of Weight Watchers magazine.
About medical assistant disappearances and portals
Since the beginning of the job, there are recordings of medical assistants disappearing under unknown circumstances.
One of the first medical assistants, Edith Von Helsberg, worked with one of the medical teams during the Civil War. Edith wasn't quite as bright as the other women tending to the wounded, but she helped clean and keep the tent organized. In 1864, during a visit home, she was convinced by her son to read a new book, A Tale of Two Cities. Edith read the book almost cover to cover. The next day, after a quick nap, Edith was surprised to find a portal in her bedroom.
As with many medical assistants after, the first portal sucked Edith in. She found herself facing Sydney Carton being led to the guillotine. She climbs up onto the guillotine's platform and stops the execution, as well as facilitates a romance between the nearly identical Sydney and Charles Darnay, similar to events that have transpired around many other medical assistants.
In the year 1930, medical assistant Janet Warwick is taken by her husband to see "All Quiet on the Western Front," the first film with audible dialogue. Janet is of course eventually transported to the World War I bunker Paul and Katczinsky are staying at. After some shenanigans, Janet accidentally shoots Kat in the leg. Paul nurses him back to health, and the two grow to bear the love that dare not speak it's name. Janet is teleported back to Earth.
In 1988, Short Circuit enthusiast Harriet Nesbit had just seen Short Circuit 2 for the third time in theaters. While applying her homemade "Time funs when you're having fly!"bumper sticker to her station wagon, she gets sucked into a portal and falls in love with Johnny Five, while facilitating a romance between Ben Jahrvi and Fred Ritter, the main characters from Short Circuit 2.
The Many Adventures of Gailum
Gailum is a medical assistant's medical assistant. After attending a vocational medical assisting school and achieving her certificate 8 years ago, Gail has moved up in the world from her job at the Kwik Shop. Gail's husband was always at work however, which retarded Gail's social skills. As a result of this, she lost herself in fantasy literature.
Gailum: Lordess of the Ring
The obsession had been growing until the first film based on the Lord of the Rings trilogy was released, The Fellowship of the Ring. Gail bought action figures and read the books repeatedly. Her hard work paid off, however, as her obsessed part of her brain clicked with the medical assisting part of her brain, and a portal appeared.
Gail found herself in Middle Earth, her head about to be hewn by a startled Gimli. Legolas saved her, realizing she was prophesied to aid them in destroying Sauron's back up ring, the Neo Ring of power. Gailum (apparently) succeeded in aiding them, as we next see them on their way home from casting the ring into the fiery chasm from whence it came.
A portal appeared, and Gailum stepped through, wanting to go home. However, for the first time in the history of tele-porting, dimension crossing medical assistants, the second portal didn't take her home.
Gailum and the Order of the Feenix
Instead, Gailum was transported to the world of Harry Potter, just outside Hogwarts castle. After befriending Harry, Ron, and Hermione, Gail is recruited into Hermione's "Order of the Feenix," another attempt by her to free the house-elves enslaved at the castle.
Gail decides the best idea to free them would be to destroy the castle. Hermione agrees, and she, Gail, and Ron blow up the castle. Harry, in a closet practicing preteen S&M with his apparent enemy Draco Malfoy, is presumably killed in the resulting explosion, along with the house-elves.
The grounds around the castle start to explode, and the three survivors are flown to safety by Orli-egolas, Legolas' angel form. However, after a flying a ways, Gailum is dropped. Thankfully, a portal appears, and she is warped.
Gailum: The American Idol (unreleased)
Appearing through the other side of the portal, Gailum finds herself on the American Idol stage. The judges allow her to perform. Legolas, hiding up in the rafters, patches over her microphone frequency, transforms into Orli-egolas, and sings Enya's May it Be. Orli-egolas' angelic voice wins Gail the competition.
However, a portal appears. Confused by the nature of reality-based television shows, Gail thinks she is in another parallel universe, and jumps through the portal, only after instructing the judges to not air her performance. Simon Cowell falls in love with her, and watches her jump through with tears in his eyes.
Medical Assistants of the Caribbean
Gailum ends up on a pirate ship. Mistaken for a witch, she is pushed off the plank into the ocean. At some point, she sees an angel, and blacks out from oxygen loss.
She wakes up in the Black Pearl, captained by Jack Sparrow. Will Turner is present when she awakens, and she mistakes him for Legolas. Will clumsily flirts with Gail, until a jealous Jack Sparrow appears. The two fight for an unnecessarily long time, until a bored Gail knocks them both unconscious.
Elizabeth Smart then shows up, aware of Jack's feelings for Gailum. Gailum bests Elizabeth in combat, and jumps through a portal.
At this point, Legolas shows up, looking for Gail. He has been watching her movements and protecting her when he could, but something he had suspected to happen has finally come to pass...Gailum has been transported to Nega Middle-Earth!