Disclaimer: See Part 1.
*****
FADE TO:
EST - GENUA
Genua is mainly swampland, the sort looks pretty much like it smells and has little houses on stilts sticking up out of the water. We pan through a small village of such houses, connected above the brackish water via walkways and rope bridges. Eventually we start to hear a familiar droidish beeping.
ARTOO [o.s.]
[subtitle: Look, you heard him. He's got everything all worked out. You can't tell me that you're still worried.]
The two droids, PONDER THREEPIO and ARTOO, come into view.
PONDER THREEPIO
Well of course I'm worried. This has to be the longest shot he's proposed so far.
ARTOO
[subtitle: And that's exactly why it's going to work. I mean, really... how bad could this Jabba chap be?]
PONDER THREEPIO
I don't suppose you're interested it the rumours I've heard about him? I heard they call him "The Dean" because he tends to, er, teach people lessons they don't forget.
Artoo beeps testily.
ARTOO
[subtitle: Don't burst my bubble just yet, okay?]
PONDER THREEPIO
[wearily] If you insist...
By now they have arrived at the end of the boardwalk [and the village] and the beginning of solid land. Not far ahead is Jabba's Palace, a gaudy monstrosity made of corrugated steel and decorated with neon signs that offer various cardinal sins to paying customers.
PONDER THREEPIO
I really don't like the look of this place. I mean, Casanunda and Chewbacca never came back from here.
ARTOO
[subtitle: Chewbacca can take care of himself. And Casanunda... well, you met him yourself.]
PONDER THREEPIO
Briefly. [unspoken: "That was enough."]
They arrive at the front door, with is guarded by a trollish bouncer [note: not Detritus] of such breadth that he could easily *be* the door. He is currently paying little attention to the droids, since most of it is focused on picking his nose.
PONDER THREEPIO
[to the bouncer] Er, excuse me...
The bouncer removes the digit from his right nostril and looks down at the two droids. He quickly assesses that the droids are not the sort you'd ordinarily find anywhere near Jabba's palace.
BOUNCER
Whaddaya want?
PONDER THREEPIO
Ponder Threepio and Artoo to see Mr. Jabba. We're expected.
The bouncer slowly digests this, then snickers, motions for them to wait right where they are, and heads inside.
There is a long pause.
ARTOO
[subtitle: I know what the problem is. I look underage, don't I?]
PONDER THREEPIO
I don't think they're going to let us in. We ought to g--
Just then the bouncer reappears and waves them in.
ARTOO
[subtitle: Come on, you. He's depending on us.]
Artoo scoots through the open door, followed hesitantly by Threepio.
INT - JABBA'S PALACE
Jabba's Palace is something between a nightclub, a mosh pit, a Creosote's personal rec room. The house band is Music With Rocks In [so proclaims a sign on the wall behind them], with a troll percussionist, a dwarvish horn player, and a human [who appears to be somewhere between twelve and thirty years of age] on the electric guitar.
At the center of it all is JABBA, a bloated toad of a man in a ratty fur vest that would reach to his ankles if he ever cared to stand up. He appears to be only slightly younger than Ridcully, to judge by his own short, tobacco-stained beard that makes him look like the perverted brother of Santa Claus that no-one ever talks about. At his side is a rather twitchy-looking man called DUNWIDDIE.
Chained to Jabba's throne is a scantily-clad dancing girl, who is currently gyrating to the music and trying to pretend she enjoys it. Jabba seizes the chain and starts to pull he closer, probably wanting the sort of dance that the movie's rating won't allow. She senses this and tries to resist, struggling against the chain. Jabba frowns briefly, then gets a better idea and reaches for a lever at the side of his throne. He pulls it, and a section of the floor grate drops out from under her and she falls, screaming, into the pit below.
The trapdoor closes and everyone draws closer to see the girl's fate. There is an expectant pause.
RANCOR
[stage whisper] Uh... uh... line?
GEORGE LUCAS
[stage whisper] You're supposed to roar.
RANCOR
[stage whisper] Oh yeah...
There is a loud roar from the pit, followed shortly by the dancing girl's scream.
Just then, the two droids are ushered into the room by the bouncer. Dunwiddie twitches his way over to the bouncer, and they have a brief whispered conference, punctuated with a few glances towards the droids. Then Dunwiddie meanders back to his post by Jabba and murmurs something in his ear.
ARTOO
[subtitle: All this whispering is making me nervous. I wish someone would make a loud noise or something. The tension is killing me.]
Just then:
JABBA
[loudly] You two!
The droids jump.
JABBA [contd.]
Get over here!
The droids approach. Threepio glances down and notes the grate with some concern, but recovers his composure and bows graciously to the crime lord.
PONDER THREEPIO
Lord High Jabba, my name is Ponder Threepio, and my companion is Artoo Detoo. We have come with a message for you from the great Jedi Carrot Skywalker.
There is a long pause, then Threepio nudges Artoo. Artoo sighs digitally and projects a six-inch- high hologram of Carrot, clad in Jedi robes. The resolution is good enough that we can see that Carrot's hair has grown noticeably longer than it was when we last saw him, a testament to how long it's been since the previous Episode.
CARROT [recording]
Great Jabba, ruler of all you survey and the supreme head of the Genuan underworld, I humbly bring you greetings.
Jabba, who is not prone to false modesty [because he has no modesty at all], watches the hologram closely, appreciative of the long-distance bootlicking so far in the message.
CARROT [recording] [contd.]
I am given to understand that you have in your possession one Ridcully, preserved in carbonite. I am willing to trade you for him. If you release Ridcully, I give over to you these two droids.
PONDER THREEPIO
What?!
The protocol droid turns to Artoo, who squeaks his innocence. The recording has continued through this exchange:
CARROT [recording] [contd.]
... hard working, and they will serve you faithfully for many years. [grim] However, I warn you Jabba... do not cross me. My powers are great, and you would be most unwise to incur my wrath. [back to cordiality] Your Humble Servant, Carrot Skywalker.
The hologram vanishes. There is absolute silence for a couple of beats.
Then Jabba bursts out laughing.
JABBA
You know, that has to be the best joke anyone's ever played on me! What does he expect me to do, just *give* him my favourite decoration?
He motions in the general direction of the preserved Ridcully, whose significant digit is being used as a coathook.
PONDER THREEPIO
Well, we'll just go and tell him then--
JABBA
Not so fast!
He looks appraisingly at the two droids.
JABBA
Faithful and hardworking, eh?
PONDER THREEPIO
Mr. Jabba sir, I don't really think it's wise--
Jabba motions to a resident droid who looks entirely too pointy for Threepio's comfort.
JABBA
I want these two looking presentable within the hour. [to Threepio] You. What can you do?
PONDER THREEPIO
Well, I contain datafiles on every known culture on the Disc, and I can speak six million languages, and--
JABBA
Can you sing or dance?
PONDER THREEPIO
[a bit perplexed] No, sir. But I can provide diplomatic relations between you and your... esteemed guests. And I am well-trained as an advisor.
JABBA
[dangerous] Are you saying you don't think I can do my job by myself?
PONDER THREEPIO
[really cranking up the diplomacy] Even the greatest of kings has a royal advisor at his side. And if I may say so, you are certainly in a league of your own, sir.
Jabba digests this for a few moments, and finally decides it was a compliment.
JABBA
All right. [to the pointy droid] Get him polished up so he looks nice at his new place next to my throne.
POINTY DROID
And the other?
JABBA
[dismissive] Fit him with a drinks tray or something.
Artoo squawks indignantly
PONDER THREEPIO
[aside to Artoo] Don't worry... he'll be here, I'm sure of it.
As the two droids are led away, they pass an unusually short palace guard - Casanunda in disguise. He appears to have ditched the powdered wig for now, but a short brown ponytail sticks out from under his helmet.
EXT - JABBA'S PALACE
We witness the long day's journey into night in the space of a few seconds. Just as the sunlight finishes oozing out of the scene, two figures, one leading the other on a chain, approach the Palace
INT - JABBA'S PALACE
A female troll named Ruby has joined Music With Rocks in, at least for the evening. She has almost gotten rid of her harsh trollish accent:
RUBY
[singing] I hate the world today... you are so good to me but I know that I cannot change...
The bouncer leads in a masked bounty hunter named BOSHH, leading a sullen Chewbacca on a chain. Boshh sounds like he is speaking through a Mr. Microphone.
BOSHH
I am given to understand that there is a bounty on the head of this ape. I am here to claim it.
Jabba looks tiredly at Chewbacca. Chewbacca bares his fangs at the crimelord.
JABBA
Very well. [to the bouncer] Take the monkey to the dungeon. [as the bouncer does so:] Now, for your bounty... Ten thousand Genuan?
BOSHH
The ape was very difficult to capture. I require twenty thousand for my extra troubles.
JABBA
Give me one good reason why I should comply.
Boshh pulls out a fist-sized black object from one of his many pockets and brandishes it.
JABBA
[aside to Threepio] What's that?
PONDER THREEPIO
It appears to be a billiards ball, sir... [catches himself] Of course it is well-known that many bounty hunters carry thermal grenades made to look like eight-balls... to lend credence to the idea of getting blackballed.
JABBA
Huh. Where'd you learn that?
PONDER THREEPIO
The Internet, sir. I suggest you do what he says - I have no strong desire to be reduced to my component molecules.
Jabba looks at Boshh, then one of the Palace guards.
JABBA
[to Boshh] Done. Of course, the hour grows late. I insist you stay over until the morning. [it does not sound like a request]
BOSHH
You are very kind, Lord Jabba.
JABBA
[to the guard] Show the gent to his quarters. Give him the royal treatment.
GUARD
Yes, Lord Jabba.
He leads Boshh away. As they turn a corner, we see the guard starting to draw his sword. There are sounds of a scuffle, then the swipe of a sword and the thud of something head-sized hitting the ground. Jabba manages to look sympathetic and amused at the same time.
JABBA
Mark that, Threepio... It doesn't pay to get greedy.
PONDER THREEPIO
[concerned] Yessir.
AROUND THE CORNER...
Boshh wipes the sword on the guard's unform. The guard's head, its face frozen in an expression of shock, lays by the corpse's elbow.
BOSHH
[sotto] Royal treatment. Pfah... more like the Stoneface Vimes royal treatment...
He straightens up and walks away.
INT - JABBA'S PALACE - MIDNIGHT
All is still in the Palace, with people sleeping pretty much where they passed out from too much drink. Jabba snores like an earthquake, his head propped up in one hand, while Dunwiddie has managed to fall asleep on his feet.
Boshh slips towards Ridcully the carbonite coathook, looking around furtively to make sure everyone is asleep. He removes the hanging garment and tosses it aside, then studies the controls on the block's frame. He keys in a few codes, then hits a big red button that isn't marked Enter but should be.
The carbonite begins to steam as it evaporates, eventually spilling the limp form of Ridcully into Boshh's arms with a collective grunt. The bounty hunter staggers slightly [Ridcully is not a small man] and lays him down on the floor, watching for any signs of life.
After a few tense moments, Ridcully suddenly inhales and starts coughing. Boshh looks around to see if the noise has attracted any notice.
RIDCULLY
[weakly] Anyone get the licence plate of that fifth of vodka that hit me?
BOSHH
You're suffering from carbonite sickness. It'll pass in time.
Ridcully gropes blindly and finds Boshh's mask.
RIDCULLY
Who's there?
The bounty hunter removes Ridcully's hand, then takes off the helmet to reveal that Princess Angua [her hair in a very utilitarian bun] is Ridcully's mysterious savior.
PRINCESS ANGUA
Someone who thinks you're a prick... but it's good to see you anyway.
RIDCULLY
Gee, Princess... I didn't know you cared.
She starts to help him to his feet.
PRINCESS ANGUA
Come on. Let's get you out of--
JABBA [o.s.]
Not so fast.
Ridcully hones in on the voice. Jabba and his people are very much awake.
RIDCULLY
I know that voice.
Guards close in on Ridcully and the Princess.
JABBA
Threepio...
PONDER THREEPIO
Sir?
JABBA
As my personal advisor, how would you recommend I handle these miscreants?
All eyes are on the poor protocol droid.
PONDER THREEPIO
[nervous] Well, consider that it is their first offence--
JABBA
And as Ridcully knows very well, the best way to punish a first offence is to make sure there is no second offence.
PONDER THREEPIO
[not grasping the significance] Very good, sir.
JABBA
And the best way to make sure of *that* is death, wouldn't you agree, Threepio?
PONDER THREEPIO
[sputters helplessly]
JABBA
I knew you'd agree with me. [to the guards] Take Ridcully to the dungeon until his sentence is to be passed. And as for the girl... bring her a bit closer. I want to see her assets more clearly.
It takes two guards to drag Angua closer to the throne so Jabba can more properly leer at her. As he caresses her face, she appears to be contemplating doing something very painful to Jabba with a lightsaber.
JABBA [contd.]
Yes... she will do nicely. But... change her into something a bit more... suitable. That jumpsuit must be very binding.
The guards drag Angua away as Jabba settles back into a private cloud of satisfaction.
PONDER THREEPIO
[aside] I hope he gets here soon...
INT - DUNGEON
Ridcully is pitched into a cell already occupied by Chewbacca, loses his balance, and falls to his hands and knees. Chewie hoots a greeting and rushes over to hug his old friend, planting slobbery kisses on Ridcully's face. Ridcully coughs through his smile.
RIDCULLY
I'd know that breath anywhere... Hi Chewie. Came to rescue me, did you? Good on ya. I wish I could say it was good to see you, but I can't see too clearly right now.
Chewbacca strokes Ridcully's head soothingly and makes reassuring noises: It's all right, we'll get out of here.
EXT - JABBA'S PALACE - MORNING
The sunlight has settled like a sleepy cat over the bayou, and is about as reluctant to move. Carrot, in Jedi robes, approaches the Palace, touching his forelock in greeting to passersby.
He steps up to the front door, and is promptly confronted by the trollish Bouncer.
CARROT
I wish to see Lord Jabba.
BOUNCER
Do you have an appointment?
CARROT
[waving his hand] [echo] I don't need an appointment. [/echo]
The bouncer rocks back slightly on his heels. Carrot smiles pleasantly.
INT - JABBA'S PALACE
Now Princess Angua is clad in a gold metal bikini [being a werewolf tends to do amazing things for one's figure] and sits at the foot of Jabba's throne, chained there with a collar around her neck.
Music With Rocks In is playing once again, still fronted by vocaliste Ruby...
RUBY
[singing] Haven't we met? You're some kind of beautiful stranger... you could be good for me... I have a taste for danger...
... as the bouncer leads Carrot into the common room.
Jabba looks sharply over at the new arrival.
JABBA
[harsh whisper, to Dunwiddie] Get him out of here!
Dunwiddie hurries over to confront Carrot but stops short a few feet from the young Jedi, every muscle rigid. Carrot calmly picks him up and leans him against the wall like he was a two-by- four.
CARROT
I will not be detained, Jabba. There are things we must discuss.
JABBA
Well... by all means, come over here where I can see you. Don't skulk in the shadows like that - it makes me think you're trying to be sneaky.
Carrot steps forward, sidestepping Artoo with his tray of drinks, until he stands before Jabba's throne. The Jedi takes note of Angua, and nods almost imperceptibly to her, as if to say, "I'm going to get you out of here, don't worry about it."
CARROT
Lord Jabba, I trust you received my message?
JABBA
I did. I can't say as I think much of it.
CARROT
So I noticed. Not only have you *not* turned over Ridcully to me, but you have also kept the two droids I sent in trade. I am not happy, Jabba.
JABBA
Well, boo-hoo. I bargain on *my* terms, not yours, and I have decided to keep your generous gifts.
Angua bristles as Jabba strokes her hair as though she were a pet cat.
JABBA [contd.]
As for you... in the immortal words of an anonymous Ephebian philosopher, "Travers Inferne."
PONDER THREEPIO
[automatically translating] "Go to hell."
Carrot frowns.
CARROT
You're starting to annoy me, Jabba. That would not be wise.
Jabba smiles unpleasantly, and Threepio sees the crimelord's pudgy hand creeping towards the Lever, and that Carrot is standing on the grate above the Rancor pit.
PONDER THREEPIO
Master Carrot! Look--!
Jabba gleefully pulls the Lever, and Carrot is dumped into the lair below.
PRINCESS ANGUA
CARROT!
She leaps for the edge of the pit, trying to see if Carrot is okay, but she is dragged back to the throne by the chain. Jabba pulls her so close that she nearly gags on his foetid breath.
JABBA
I wouldn't want my favourite accessory to get hurt, my pretty one. You might want to stay well back from the Rancor.
He throws her to the ground, and Threepio automatically tends to her.
PONDER THREEPIO
[sotto] Are you all right?
PRINCESS ANGUA
[sotto] I'll be fine. But Jabba is *so* going to hurt when this is over.
IN THE PIT...
Carrot picks himself up off the sandy floor of the Rancor pit, looking around warily for any sign of its occupant. He turns as a huge shape moves in the shadows [okay, they're big shadows], craggy and monstrous. Carrot instinctively steps back from the shape, preparing for evasive action.
RANCOR
ROAR! [this isn't him roaring. He's yelling "roar"]
The Rancor steps out of the shadows and--
CARROT
Detritus?!
--reveals that it is, indeed, the troll Detritus. He is, however, out of uniform, because monsters don't wear armour.
DETRITUS
[recognising Carrot] Hi.
CARROT
What are you doing here? I thought you'd be in Quirm by now.
DETRITUS
I was, but then I heard there was a dam-sel here who needed rescuing. But they caught me and put me down here.
CARROT
Well, that was very gallant of you. Who were you rescuing?
DETRITUS
[embarrassed] Ruby. The troll singer with Music With Rocks In.
CARROT
[hesitant, but giving him the benefit of the doubt] I can... see that.
DETRITUS
[completely missing the subtext] So now I'm working undercover. Er, don't give it away. Please?
CARROT
I won't.
DETRITUS
Of course, that means that I have to act like I'm trying to eat you. Mr. Lucas said. But I won't *really* be trying to eat you, all right?
Carrot isn't quite sure Detritus knows the difference between pretending to try to kill someone and really trying to kill someone, but:
CARROT
All right.
Detritus charges.
TOPSIDE...
A puzzled crowd has gathered at the pit to watch.
DUNWIDDIE
[note: he is no longer rigid]
That was... odd.
IN THE PIT...
Carrot dodges aside as Detritus thunders past, trips on a small boulder, and falls on his face. Past the fallen troll Carrot can see an open portcullis leading outside. He runs up the troll's back as Detritus is starting to get up, steps on the stony head, pushing it back down, and makes a break for the portcullis. A couple of guards see Carrot coming [with Detritus on his heels, having the time of his life playacting at being a ferocious Rancor] and scramble to lower the portcullis before he can escape.
Carrot, now trapped, slams up against the portcullis desperately, then turns to face Detritus.
The guards watch the ensuing battle between man and troll with the same morbid fascination one might give a train wreck. We don't see what's happening, but it sounds violent and potentially painful. The fight concludes with a cloud of dust puffing through the portcullis and past the guards There is a solemn silence. It is hard to see anything through the dust, and the guards draw closer to the portcullis to try to make out who the winner was.
Suddenly, a human arm shoots out through the mesh of the portcullis, grabs a guard by the front of his uniform, and slams his head against the control panel, knocking him unconscious. The guard falls, the arm withdraws, the portcullis lifts, and Carrot staggers out of the lair, looking like he had a fight with a truck and won by the narrowest of margins. He is sweaty, bruised, and out of breath. As a result he is in no shape to properly address the other nineteen guards now facing him. They take him into custody and lead him away.
INSIDE THE PALACE...
Jabba looks over the disheveled Carrot with unmasked contempt.
JABBA
[to the guards] Put him with the others. They die at noon, every last one of them.
Casanunda watches Carrot and the guards as they pass, then turns to follow.
CASANUNDA
[aside] Eighteen minutes in, and people are already trying to kill us. This does not bode well.
He in turn passes by Herrenna the bounty hunter, who brings up the rear of this would-be funeral procession.
*****
End Part 2.
*****
FADE TO:
EST - GENUA
Genua is mainly swampland, the sort looks pretty much like it smells and has little houses on stilts sticking up out of the water. We pan through a small village of such houses, connected above the brackish water via walkways and rope bridges. Eventually we start to hear a familiar droidish beeping.
ARTOO [o.s.]
[subtitle: Look, you heard him. He's got everything all worked out. You can't tell me that you're still worried.]
The two droids, PONDER THREEPIO and ARTOO, come into view.
PONDER THREEPIO
Well of course I'm worried. This has to be the longest shot he's proposed so far.
ARTOO
[subtitle: And that's exactly why it's going to work. I mean, really... how bad could this Jabba chap be?]
PONDER THREEPIO
I don't suppose you're interested it the rumours I've heard about him? I heard they call him "The Dean" because he tends to, er, teach people lessons they don't forget.
Artoo beeps testily.
ARTOO
[subtitle: Don't burst my bubble just yet, okay?]
PONDER THREEPIO
[wearily] If you insist...
By now they have arrived at the end of the boardwalk [and the village] and the beginning of solid land. Not far ahead is Jabba's Palace, a gaudy monstrosity made of corrugated steel and decorated with neon signs that offer various cardinal sins to paying customers.
PONDER THREEPIO
I really don't like the look of this place. I mean, Casanunda and Chewbacca never came back from here.
ARTOO
[subtitle: Chewbacca can take care of himself. And Casanunda... well, you met him yourself.]
PONDER THREEPIO
Briefly. [unspoken: "That was enough."]
They arrive at the front door, with is guarded by a trollish bouncer [note: not Detritus] of such breadth that he could easily *be* the door. He is currently paying little attention to the droids, since most of it is focused on picking his nose.
PONDER THREEPIO
[to the bouncer] Er, excuse me...
The bouncer removes the digit from his right nostril and looks down at the two droids. He quickly assesses that the droids are not the sort you'd ordinarily find anywhere near Jabba's palace.
BOUNCER
Whaddaya want?
PONDER THREEPIO
Ponder Threepio and Artoo to see Mr. Jabba. We're expected.
The bouncer slowly digests this, then snickers, motions for them to wait right where they are, and heads inside.
There is a long pause.
ARTOO
[subtitle: I know what the problem is. I look underage, don't I?]
PONDER THREEPIO
I don't think they're going to let us in. We ought to g--
Just then the bouncer reappears and waves them in.
ARTOO
[subtitle: Come on, you. He's depending on us.]
Artoo scoots through the open door, followed hesitantly by Threepio.
INT - JABBA'S PALACE
Jabba's Palace is something between a nightclub, a mosh pit, a Creosote's personal rec room. The house band is Music With Rocks In [so proclaims a sign on the wall behind them], with a troll percussionist, a dwarvish horn player, and a human [who appears to be somewhere between twelve and thirty years of age] on the electric guitar.
At the center of it all is JABBA, a bloated toad of a man in a ratty fur vest that would reach to his ankles if he ever cared to stand up. He appears to be only slightly younger than Ridcully, to judge by his own short, tobacco-stained beard that makes him look like the perverted brother of Santa Claus that no-one ever talks about. At his side is a rather twitchy-looking man called DUNWIDDIE.
Chained to Jabba's throne is a scantily-clad dancing girl, who is currently gyrating to the music and trying to pretend she enjoys it. Jabba seizes the chain and starts to pull he closer, probably wanting the sort of dance that the movie's rating won't allow. She senses this and tries to resist, struggling against the chain. Jabba frowns briefly, then gets a better idea and reaches for a lever at the side of his throne. He pulls it, and a section of the floor grate drops out from under her and she falls, screaming, into the pit below.
The trapdoor closes and everyone draws closer to see the girl's fate. There is an expectant pause.
RANCOR
[stage whisper] Uh... uh... line?
GEORGE LUCAS
[stage whisper] You're supposed to roar.
RANCOR
[stage whisper] Oh yeah...
There is a loud roar from the pit, followed shortly by the dancing girl's scream.
Just then, the two droids are ushered into the room by the bouncer. Dunwiddie twitches his way over to the bouncer, and they have a brief whispered conference, punctuated with a few glances towards the droids. Then Dunwiddie meanders back to his post by Jabba and murmurs something in his ear.
ARTOO
[subtitle: All this whispering is making me nervous. I wish someone would make a loud noise or something. The tension is killing me.]
Just then:
JABBA
[loudly] You two!
The droids jump.
JABBA [contd.]
Get over here!
The droids approach. Threepio glances down and notes the grate with some concern, but recovers his composure and bows graciously to the crime lord.
PONDER THREEPIO
Lord High Jabba, my name is Ponder Threepio, and my companion is Artoo Detoo. We have come with a message for you from the great Jedi Carrot Skywalker.
There is a long pause, then Threepio nudges Artoo. Artoo sighs digitally and projects a six-inch- high hologram of Carrot, clad in Jedi robes. The resolution is good enough that we can see that Carrot's hair has grown noticeably longer than it was when we last saw him, a testament to how long it's been since the previous Episode.
CARROT [recording]
Great Jabba, ruler of all you survey and the supreme head of the Genuan underworld, I humbly bring you greetings.
Jabba, who is not prone to false modesty [because he has no modesty at all], watches the hologram closely, appreciative of the long-distance bootlicking so far in the message.
CARROT [recording] [contd.]
I am given to understand that you have in your possession one Ridcully, preserved in carbonite. I am willing to trade you for him. If you release Ridcully, I give over to you these two droids.
PONDER THREEPIO
What?!
The protocol droid turns to Artoo, who squeaks his innocence. The recording has continued through this exchange:
CARROT [recording] [contd.]
... hard working, and they will serve you faithfully for many years. [grim] However, I warn you Jabba... do not cross me. My powers are great, and you would be most unwise to incur my wrath. [back to cordiality] Your Humble Servant, Carrot Skywalker.
The hologram vanishes. There is absolute silence for a couple of beats.
Then Jabba bursts out laughing.
JABBA
You know, that has to be the best joke anyone's ever played on me! What does he expect me to do, just *give* him my favourite decoration?
He motions in the general direction of the preserved Ridcully, whose significant digit is being used as a coathook.
PONDER THREEPIO
Well, we'll just go and tell him then--
JABBA
Not so fast!
He looks appraisingly at the two droids.
JABBA
Faithful and hardworking, eh?
PONDER THREEPIO
Mr. Jabba sir, I don't really think it's wise--
Jabba motions to a resident droid who looks entirely too pointy for Threepio's comfort.
JABBA
I want these two looking presentable within the hour. [to Threepio] You. What can you do?
PONDER THREEPIO
Well, I contain datafiles on every known culture on the Disc, and I can speak six million languages, and--
JABBA
Can you sing or dance?
PONDER THREEPIO
[a bit perplexed] No, sir. But I can provide diplomatic relations between you and your... esteemed guests. And I am well-trained as an advisor.
JABBA
[dangerous] Are you saying you don't think I can do my job by myself?
PONDER THREEPIO
[really cranking up the diplomacy] Even the greatest of kings has a royal advisor at his side. And if I may say so, you are certainly in a league of your own, sir.
Jabba digests this for a few moments, and finally decides it was a compliment.
JABBA
All right. [to the pointy droid] Get him polished up so he looks nice at his new place next to my throne.
POINTY DROID
And the other?
JABBA
[dismissive] Fit him with a drinks tray or something.
Artoo squawks indignantly
PONDER THREEPIO
[aside to Artoo] Don't worry... he'll be here, I'm sure of it.
As the two droids are led away, they pass an unusually short palace guard - Casanunda in disguise. He appears to have ditched the powdered wig for now, but a short brown ponytail sticks out from under his helmet.
EXT - JABBA'S PALACE
We witness the long day's journey into night in the space of a few seconds. Just as the sunlight finishes oozing out of the scene, two figures, one leading the other on a chain, approach the Palace
INT - JABBA'S PALACE
A female troll named Ruby has joined Music With Rocks in, at least for the evening. She has almost gotten rid of her harsh trollish accent:
RUBY
[singing] I hate the world today... you are so good to me but I know that I cannot change...
The bouncer leads in a masked bounty hunter named BOSHH, leading a sullen Chewbacca on a chain. Boshh sounds like he is speaking through a Mr. Microphone.
BOSHH
I am given to understand that there is a bounty on the head of this ape. I am here to claim it.
Jabba looks tiredly at Chewbacca. Chewbacca bares his fangs at the crimelord.
JABBA
Very well. [to the bouncer] Take the monkey to the dungeon. [as the bouncer does so:] Now, for your bounty... Ten thousand Genuan?
BOSHH
The ape was very difficult to capture. I require twenty thousand for my extra troubles.
JABBA
Give me one good reason why I should comply.
Boshh pulls out a fist-sized black object from one of his many pockets and brandishes it.
JABBA
[aside to Threepio] What's that?
PONDER THREEPIO
It appears to be a billiards ball, sir... [catches himself] Of course it is well-known that many bounty hunters carry thermal grenades made to look like eight-balls... to lend credence to the idea of getting blackballed.
JABBA
Huh. Where'd you learn that?
PONDER THREEPIO
The Internet, sir. I suggest you do what he says - I have no strong desire to be reduced to my component molecules.
Jabba looks at Boshh, then one of the Palace guards.
JABBA
[to Boshh] Done. Of course, the hour grows late. I insist you stay over until the morning. [it does not sound like a request]
BOSHH
You are very kind, Lord Jabba.
JABBA
[to the guard] Show the gent to his quarters. Give him the royal treatment.
GUARD
Yes, Lord Jabba.
He leads Boshh away. As they turn a corner, we see the guard starting to draw his sword. There are sounds of a scuffle, then the swipe of a sword and the thud of something head-sized hitting the ground. Jabba manages to look sympathetic and amused at the same time.
JABBA
Mark that, Threepio... It doesn't pay to get greedy.
PONDER THREEPIO
[concerned] Yessir.
AROUND THE CORNER...
Boshh wipes the sword on the guard's unform. The guard's head, its face frozen in an expression of shock, lays by the corpse's elbow.
BOSHH
[sotto] Royal treatment. Pfah... more like the Stoneface Vimes royal treatment...
He straightens up and walks away.
INT - JABBA'S PALACE - MIDNIGHT
All is still in the Palace, with people sleeping pretty much where they passed out from too much drink. Jabba snores like an earthquake, his head propped up in one hand, while Dunwiddie has managed to fall asleep on his feet.
Boshh slips towards Ridcully the carbonite coathook, looking around furtively to make sure everyone is asleep. He removes the hanging garment and tosses it aside, then studies the controls on the block's frame. He keys in a few codes, then hits a big red button that isn't marked Enter but should be.
The carbonite begins to steam as it evaporates, eventually spilling the limp form of Ridcully into Boshh's arms with a collective grunt. The bounty hunter staggers slightly [Ridcully is not a small man] and lays him down on the floor, watching for any signs of life.
After a few tense moments, Ridcully suddenly inhales and starts coughing. Boshh looks around to see if the noise has attracted any notice.
RIDCULLY
[weakly] Anyone get the licence plate of that fifth of vodka that hit me?
BOSHH
You're suffering from carbonite sickness. It'll pass in time.
Ridcully gropes blindly and finds Boshh's mask.
RIDCULLY
Who's there?
The bounty hunter removes Ridcully's hand, then takes off the helmet to reveal that Princess Angua [her hair in a very utilitarian bun] is Ridcully's mysterious savior.
PRINCESS ANGUA
Someone who thinks you're a prick... but it's good to see you anyway.
RIDCULLY
Gee, Princess... I didn't know you cared.
She starts to help him to his feet.
PRINCESS ANGUA
Come on. Let's get you out of--
JABBA [o.s.]
Not so fast.
Ridcully hones in on the voice. Jabba and his people are very much awake.
RIDCULLY
I know that voice.
Guards close in on Ridcully and the Princess.
JABBA
Threepio...
PONDER THREEPIO
Sir?
JABBA
As my personal advisor, how would you recommend I handle these miscreants?
All eyes are on the poor protocol droid.
PONDER THREEPIO
[nervous] Well, consider that it is their first offence--
JABBA
And as Ridcully knows very well, the best way to punish a first offence is to make sure there is no second offence.
PONDER THREEPIO
[not grasping the significance] Very good, sir.
JABBA
And the best way to make sure of *that* is death, wouldn't you agree, Threepio?
PONDER THREEPIO
[sputters helplessly]
JABBA
I knew you'd agree with me. [to the guards] Take Ridcully to the dungeon until his sentence is to be passed. And as for the girl... bring her a bit closer. I want to see her assets more clearly.
It takes two guards to drag Angua closer to the throne so Jabba can more properly leer at her. As he caresses her face, she appears to be contemplating doing something very painful to Jabba with a lightsaber.
JABBA [contd.]
Yes... she will do nicely. But... change her into something a bit more... suitable. That jumpsuit must be very binding.
The guards drag Angua away as Jabba settles back into a private cloud of satisfaction.
PONDER THREEPIO
[aside] I hope he gets here soon...
INT - DUNGEON
Ridcully is pitched into a cell already occupied by Chewbacca, loses his balance, and falls to his hands and knees. Chewie hoots a greeting and rushes over to hug his old friend, planting slobbery kisses on Ridcully's face. Ridcully coughs through his smile.
RIDCULLY
I'd know that breath anywhere... Hi Chewie. Came to rescue me, did you? Good on ya. I wish I could say it was good to see you, but I can't see too clearly right now.
Chewbacca strokes Ridcully's head soothingly and makes reassuring noises: It's all right, we'll get out of here.
EXT - JABBA'S PALACE - MORNING
The sunlight has settled like a sleepy cat over the bayou, and is about as reluctant to move. Carrot, in Jedi robes, approaches the Palace, touching his forelock in greeting to passersby.
He steps up to the front door, and is promptly confronted by the trollish Bouncer.
CARROT
I wish to see Lord Jabba.
BOUNCER
Do you have an appointment?
CARROT
[waving his hand] [echo] I don't need an appointment. [/echo]
The bouncer rocks back slightly on his heels. Carrot smiles pleasantly.
INT - JABBA'S PALACE
Now Princess Angua is clad in a gold metal bikini [being a werewolf tends to do amazing things for one's figure] and sits at the foot of Jabba's throne, chained there with a collar around her neck.
Music With Rocks In is playing once again, still fronted by vocaliste Ruby...
RUBY
[singing] Haven't we met? You're some kind of beautiful stranger... you could be good for me... I have a taste for danger...
... as the bouncer leads Carrot into the common room.
Jabba looks sharply over at the new arrival.
JABBA
[harsh whisper, to Dunwiddie] Get him out of here!
Dunwiddie hurries over to confront Carrot but stops short a few feet from the young Jedi, every muscle rigid. Carrot calmly picks him up and leans him against the wall like he was a two-by- four.
CARROT
I will not be detained, Jabba. There are things we must discuss.
JABBA
Well... by all means, come over here where I can see you. Don't skulk in the shadows like that - it makes me think you're trying to be sneaky.
Carrot steps forward, sidestepping Artoo with his tray of drinks, until he stands before Jabba's throne. The Jedi takes note of Angua, and nods almost imperceptibly to her, as if to say, "I'm going to get you out of here, don't worry about it."
CARROT
Lord Jabba, I trust you received my message?
JABBA
I did. I can't say as I think much of it.
CARROT
So I noticed. Not only have you *not* turned over Ridcully to me, but you have also kept the two droids I sent in trade. I am not happy, Jabba.
JABBA
Well, boo-hoo. I bargain on *my* terms, not yours, and I have decided to keep your generous gifts.
Angua bristles as Jabba strokes her hair as though she were a pet cat.
JABBA [contd.]
As for you... in the immortal words of an anonymous Ephebian philosopher, "Travers Inferne."
PONDER THREEPIO
[automatically translating] "Go to hell."
Carrot frowns.
CARROT
You're starting to annoy me, Jabba. That would not be wise.
Jabba smiles unpleasantly, and Threepio sees the crimelord's pudgy hand creeping towards the Lever, and that Carrot is standing on the grate above the Rancor pit.
PONDER THREEPIO
Master Carrot! Look--!
Jabba gleefully pulls the Lever, and Carrot is dumped into the lair below.
PRINCESS ANGUA
CARROT!
She leaps for the edge of the pit, trying to see if Carrot is okay, but she is dragged back to the throne by the chain. Jabba pulls her so close that she nearly gags on his foetid breath.
JABBA
I wouldn't want my favourite accessory to get hurt, my pretty one. You might want to stay well back from the Rancor.
He throws her to the ground, and Threepio automatically tends to her.
PONDER THREEPIO
[sotto] Are you all right?
PRINCESS ANGUA
[sotto] I'll be fine. But Jabba is *so* going to hurt when this is over.
IN THE PIT...
Carrot picks himself up off the sandy floor of the Rancor pit, looking around warily for any sign of its occupant. He turns as a huge shape moves in the shadows [okay, they're big shadows], craggy and monstrous. Carrot instinctively steps back from the shape, preparing for evasive action.
RANCOR
ROAR! [this isn't him roaring. He's yelling "roar"]
The Rancor steps out of the shadows and--
CARROT
Detritus?!
--reveals that it is, indeed, the troll Detritus. He is, however, out of uniform, because monsters don't wear armour.
DETRITUS
[recognising Carrot] Hi.
CARROT
What are you doing here? I thought you'd be in Quirm by now.
DETRITUS
I was, but then I heard there was a dam-sel here who needed rescuing. But they caught me and put me down here.
CARROT
Well, that was very gallant of you. Who were you rescuing?
DETRITUS
[embarrassed] Ruby. The troll singer with Music With Rocks In.
CARROT
[hesitant, but giving him the benefit of the doubt] I can... see that.
DETRITUS
[completely missing the subtext] So now I'm working undercover. Er, don't give it away. Please?
CARROT
I won't.
DETRITUS
Of course, that means that I have to act like I'm trying to eat you. Mr. Lucas said. But I won't *really* be trying to eat you, all right?
Carrot isn't quite sure Detritus knows the difference between pretending to try to kill someone and really trying to kill someone, but:
CARROT
All right.
Detritus charges.
TOPSIDE...
A puzzled crowd has gathered at the pit to watch.
DUNWIDDIE
[note: he is no longer rigid]
That was... odd.
IN THE PIT...
Carrot dodges aside as Detritus thunders past, trips on a small boulder, and falls on his face. Past the fallen troll Carrot can see an open portcullis leading outside. He runs up the troll's back as Detritus is starting to get up, steps on the stony head, pushing it back down, and makes a break for the portcullis. A couple of guards see Carrot coming [with Detritus on his heels, having the time of his life playacting at being a ferocious Rancor] and scramble to lower the portcullis before he can escape.
Carrot, now trapped, slams up against the portcullis desperately, then turns to face Detritus.
The guards watch the ensuing battle between man and troll with the same morbid fascination one might give a train wreck. We don't see what's happening, but it sounds violent and potentially painful. The fight concludes with a cloud of dust puffing through the portcullis and past the guards There is a solemn silence. It is hard to see anything through the dust, and the guards draw closer to the portcullis to try to make out who the winner was.
Suddenly, a human arm shoots out through the mesh of the portcullis, grabs a guard by the front of his uniform, and slams his head against the control panel, knocking him unconscious. The guard falls, the arm withdraws, the portcullis lifts, and Carrot staggers out of the lair, looking like he had a fight with a truck and won by the narrowest of margins. He is sweaty, bruised, and out of breath. As a result he is in no shape to properly address the other nineteen guards now facing him. They take him into custody and lead him away.
INSIDE THE PALACE...
Jabba looks over the disheveled Carrot with unmasked contempt.
JABBA
[to the guards] Put him with the others. They die at noon, every last one of them.
Casanunda watches Carrot and the guards as they pass, then turns to follow.
CASANUNDA
[aside] Eighteen minutes in, and people are already trying to kill us. This does not bode well.
He in turn passes by Herrenna the bounty hunter, who brings up the rear of this would-be funeral procession.
*****
End Part 2.