Disclaimer: See Part 1.
*****
EST - EPHEBE
Ephebe is a nation that prizes philosophy and pacifism, in sharp contrast to the hedonistic tendencies of Genua. We PAN ACROSS what appears to be a garden, observing such oddities as a runner preparing to race a tortoise, and Nobby sulking in a toga and tunic. As we do:
CARROT [v.o.] [contd.]
We are in Ephebe now, and it is very pretty here but mostly because of Angua. She is a lycanthrope, which Threepio told me is like a werewolf only nice. Her family is here also, and they are all lycanthropes as well.
Finally we find Carrot, reclining upon a divan in a toga [no tunic, so he is mostly barechested, for all you Carrot fans out there] and the sort of sandals that lace halfway to the knee, looking very much like the illegitimate offspring of one of the greater pantheon. A writing pad is balanced on his drawn-up knee, and he is busily composing a letter.
CARROT [v.o.] [contd.]
Threepio also explained to me about what he called the birds and the bees, although it didn't have anything much to do with either birds or bees. It has to do with making babies. Most of it sounded rather messy, but Threepio told me I might want to do this with a girl someday. I told him that if I ever proposed doing such a thing to a girl she would probably slap me.
VIMES [o.s.]
Carrot! Princess! Come on! The meeting's about to start!
Carrot looks up briefly, then finishes up his letter home.
CARROT [v.o.]
There is not much else to tell you. Vimes says that we will be going to Quirm soon, in which case I hope Nobby stops sulking that they made him put on a tunic under his toga because he has been very unpleasant about the whole thing. I hope to see you soon. Your loving son, Carrot Skywalker.
He sets the writing pad aside on a low table sitting nearby. As he sits up, he looks over to an adjacent divan, occupied by a napping Princess Angua in a sort of sleeveless tunic [the sort that reaches to midcalf] belted at the wait with a fine golden cord, and sandals similar in style to Carrot's. Golden cording has been woven across her brow and through her ash-blond hair, and she wears a gold arm-bracelet above her elbow, all to show her royal status.
CARROT
Angua? We have to go.
Angua opens her eyes and glances up at Carrot, regaining her bearings. She smiles and stretches.
PRINCESS ANGUA
How long was I asleep?
CARROT
Maybe an hour. Did you have a nice nap?
PRINCESS ANGUA
[yawns] It must be the air here. I haven't slept that soundly in a while now.
CARROT
[soberly] I don't think any of us have. Come on... the meeting's about to start.
INT - CONFERENCE ROOM
In fact, the meeting has already started by the time Carrot and Angua enter the open-air conference room. The Rebels are seated at a long conference table [except, of course, for the droids, who stand off to one side], with Vimes at the head, looking rather regal in his statesman's robes [you're welcome, Becky :-)], while Lady Sybil stands at his side, looking vaguely like Hera to Vimes' Zeus. Behind them is a large round mirror of some sort, suspended in a gilt frame.
VIMES
Ah, Carrot, Angua... So glad you could join us. We were just discussing the matter of the Quirmish Ivory Tower. [off Carrot's blank look] Quirm has long been sympathetic to the Rebellion, though they've stayed neutral up to now. They are also the centre of most technological advances on the Disc, including the modern computerised piloting systems--
RIDCULLY
Which I maintain are no substitute for learning to fly the damn thing!
VIMES
[glaring at Ridcully] --And of course modern robotics, which in *certain* cases would be a vast improvement over the original.
RIDCULLY
Hey!
VIMES
So naturally they would know best who designed the assassin droid sent after the royal family of Uberwald. In addition, there have been rumours of something big headed in from the Rim, which our beTrobi operatives say might be a dragon - one of the big sort--
LADY SYBIL
One of the Draco nobilis.
VIMES
--but right now there have been no reports to conclusively prove this.
LADY SYBIL
For one thing, the greater dragons are so *rare* nowadays--
VIMES
Dear...
LADY SYBIL
--and there would be no real reason for it to be migrating Hubward. Dragons, as a rule, tend to be so territorial--
VIMES
[getting annoyed] *Yes*, dear, and of course you're the foremost expert on dragons but we don't know for certain if this *is* a dragon!
LADY SYBIL
No need to get huffy about it, Sam. Remember your blood pressure.
VIMES
[grumbles] YesDear. [aloud] In any case, we must assume that the rumours might be true and prepare ourselves accordingly. In the meantime, yesterday morning I asked the lead scholar at the Ivory Tower to contact us as soon as he's figured out the origin of the assassin droid. [pause] His apprentice said he would get back to me by teatime today. That means he should be contacting us in [Vimes reaches into his robes for a pocket-watch and consults it] two min--
The mirror crackles to life, revealing it to be a fancy viewscreen. Vimes and Sybil turn to face it as the connection opens, revealing the face of a man obviously younger than the Rebels expected. He is in his late twenties, mainly beardless though evidently not for lack of trying [he has managed Johnny Depp stubble in the form of a sparse goatee], and he wears round black-rimmed spectacles. He bears an alarming resemblance to Threepio - or should I say Threepio bears a striking resemblance to the young man. This is PONDER STIBBONS.
LADY SYBIL
Who are you?!
VIMES
Sybil, dear, let me ask the questions... [to Stibbons] Who are you?! [off his wife's smirk] ... and how did you get this frequency?
PONDER STIBBONS
Ponder Stibbons, sir. I believe you contacted me regarding the plans for an assassin droid that was sent to Uberwald?
VIMES
I sent that file to Leonard da Quirm, and I would rather not speak to his file clerk.
Stibbons stiffens, clearly insulted.
PONDER STIBBONS
Monsignor da Quirm has been missing for over a year now.
VIMES
Then who's the lead scholar there?
PONDER STIBBONS
I am!
VIMES
Oh. I expected someone--
PONDER STIBBONS
Older?
VIMES
Actually, yes.
PONDER STIBBONS
It's an established fact that the human brain stops growing at thirty-five. [looks pointedly at Vimes] After which it starts shrinking. Now, do you want to know what we've discovered or not?
VIMES
[scowling at the implied insult in the trivia] Fine. Where's the bloody droid from?
PONDER STIBBONS
The design was especially ingenious - quite distinctive, really. So distinctive, in fact, that we double-checked our findings eight times before we were satisfied.
VIMES
[after a beat] Well?
PONDER STIBBONS
It was a Leonard.
The Rebels react.
VIMES
A Leonard?! You mean--?
PONDER STIBBONS
The assassin droid was designed and built by Leonard da Quirm, yes. It's impossible to replicate that sort of genious. [pause] If it's any consolation, I understand he tended to be a bit naive - High Intelligence, Low Wisdom, you know - so it's entirely possible he had no idea of its purpose.
VIMES
But didn't you say that Leonard was missing?
PONDER STIBBONS
I believe I can offer an educated guess on his current location, based on this discovery.
LADY SYBIL
The Empire.
PONDER STIBBONS
Precisely. He's probably been captured - though I doubt he'd be aware of any danger.
NOBBY
[stage whisper to Colon] For a genius, he sounds like a bit of a bonehead t'me.
PONDER STIBBONS
[overhearing] He's always been a bit... focused. In any case, my recommendation is that a rescue team be assembled to get him out of harm's way before he invents again.
VIMES
I notice you're not volunteering.
PONDER STIBBONS
I'm a roboticist, not a superhero. Of course, I don't expect you'd be surprised at that bit of trivia - one of my earlier models was assigned as the royal butler in Uberwald. And if I'm not mistaken...
Stibbons looks speculatively at Threepio, who shrinks slightly in preprogrammed deference to his creator.
PONDER THREEPIO
Yessir, I am that droid. As you can see, circumstances have... changed since my assignment.
VIMES
Wait a minute... one of your *earlier* models?
PONDER STIBBONS
I engineered the 3PO line seven years ago.
VIMES
When you were... ? [how old?]
PONDER STIBBONS
Eighteen. As you might expect, my droids have advanced since then.
VIMES
[sotto] Great... we've got a bloody Doogie Howser on our hands. [a/n: Bonus points to anyone who gets that reference!]
Suddenly Rincewind, who has elected not to exchange his familiar red robes for the Clorox bedsheet fashions of Ephebe [and who therefore sticks out like a sore thumb at the meeting], raises his hand.
VIMES
Yes, Wincerind?
RINCEWIND
That's Rincewind.
VIMES
Whatever. You had a question?
RINCEWIND
Er. Who's going to be in the rescue team?
He looks like he's absolutely certain that he will be part of the team, whether he wants to be or not, and he's bracing for the news.
VIMES
Relax. I wouldn't send you to rescue someone if you were the last hero on the Disc.
RINCEWIND
[uncertain] Um, thank... you. Sir.
VIMES
[to Stibbons] As you can see, I appreciate Leonard's strategic value. You can rest assured I won't send rank amateurs to rescue him.
RINCEWIND
[now thinking he ought to feel at least affronted] Hey now...
VIMES
Carrot? How about you?
CARROT
I can't. I have things to do.
VIMES
[disbelieving at Carrot's apparent sudden apathy] "Things to do?"
CARROT
[dutifully] I made a promise to someone that I intend to keep. I'll catch up with you later.
Vimes sighs.
VIMES
We could really use your help--
CARROT
I know. I'm sorry.
VIMES
Well. [to Stibbons] We'll send a team... not quite the best of the best, but...
PONDER STIBBONS
The best of what's left?
VIMES
I'm sure you can sympathise.
PONDER STIBBONS
You should have seen who was running Unseen University by the time I relocated to Quirm.
VIMES
Right. I'll contact you as soon as we have Leonard safely away from the Empire.
PONDER STIBBONS
Righto.
VIMES
May the Force be with you.
PONDER STIBBONS
Live long and prosper. [makes the appropriate Vulcan hand gesture]
Stibbons signs off. Vimes looks like he has a headache [but then, he tends to look like that more or less permanently]. After a few beats:
VIMES
Okay, everyone who's uncomfortable having a Star Trek geek running a major Discworld landmark in a Star Wars parody, please raise your hand.
Vimes and most of the other Rebels raise their hands. Threepio is a notable but understandable exception.
RINCEWIND
[to the "director zone" off-camera] Where'd you get him, anyway?
GEORGE LUCAS
I found him at the premiere of "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone."
VIMES
You mean you cast Daniel Radcliff?!?
GEORGE LUCAS
Of course not! I know better than to horn in on another fandom. [embarrassed beat] He just won the Harry Potter lookalike contest, is all.
The Rebels groan.
*****
End Part 4.
*****
EST - EPHEBE
Ephebe is a nation that prizes philosophy and pacifism, in sharp contrast to the hedonistic tendencies of Genua. We PAN ACROSS what appears to be a garden, observing such oddities as a runner preparing to race a tortoise, and Nobby sulking in a toga and tunic. As we do:
CARROT [v.o.] [contd.]
We are in Ephebe now, and it is very pretty here but mostly because of Angua. She is a lycanthrope, which Threepio told me is like a werewolf only nice. Her family is here also, and they are all lycanthropes as well.
Finally we find Carrot, reclining upon a divan in a toga [no tunic, so he is mostly barechested, for all you Carrot fans out there] and the sort of sandals that lace halfway to the knee, looking very much like the illegitimate offspring of one of the greater pantheon. A writing pad is balanced on his drawn-up knee, and he is busily composing a letter.
CARROT [v.o.] [contd.]
Threepio also explained to me about what he called the birds and the bees, although it didn't have anything much to do with either birds or bees. It has to do with making babies. Most of it sounded rather messy, but Threepio told me I might want to do this with a girl someday. I told him that if I ever proposed doing such a thing to a girl she would probably slap me.
VIMES [o.s.]
Carrot! Princess! Come on! The meeting's about to start!
Carrot looks up briefly, then finishes up his letter home.
CARROT [v.o.]
There is not much else to tell you. Vimes says that we will be going to Quirm soon, in which case I hope Nobby stops sulking that they made him put on a tunic under his toga because he has been very unpleasant about the whole thing. I hope to see you soon. Your loving son, Carrot Skywalker.
He sets the writing pad aside on a low table sitting nearby. As he sits up, he looks over to an adjacent divan, occupied by a napping Princess Angua in a sort of sleeveless tunic [the sort that reaches to midcalf] belted at the wait with a fine golden cord, and sandals similar in style to Carrot's. Golden cording has been woven across her brow and through her ash-blond hair, and she wears a gold arm-bracelet above her elbow, all to show her royal status.
CARROT
Angua? We have to go.
Angua opens her eyes and glances up at Carrot, regaining her bearings. She smiles and stretches.
PRINCESS ANGUA
How long was I asleep?
CARROT
Maybe an hour. Did you have a nice nap?
PRINCESS ANGUA
[yawns] It must be the air here. I haven't slept that soundly in a while now.
CARROT
[soberly] I don't think any of us have. Come on... the meeting's about to start.
INT - CONFERENCE ROOM
In fact, the meeting has already started by the time Carrot and Angua enter the open-air conference room. The Rebels are seated at a long conference table [except, of course, for the droids, who stand off to one side], with Vimes at the head, looking rather regal in his statesman's robes [you're welcome, Becky :-)], while Lady Sybil stands at his side, looking vaguely like Hera to Vimes' Zeus. Behind them is a large round mirror of some sort, suspended in a gilt frame.
VIMES
Ah, Carrot, Angua... So glad you could join us. We were just discussing the matter of the Quirmish Ivory Tower. [off Carrot's blank look] Quirm has long been sympathetic to the Rebellion, though they've stayed neutral up to now. They are also the centre of most technological advances on the Disc, including the modern computerised piloting systems--
RIDCULLY
Which I maintain are no substitute for learning to fly the damn thing!
VIMES
[glaring at Ridcully] --And of course modern robotics, which in *certain* cases would be a vast improvement over the original.
RIDCULLY
Hey!
VIMES
So naturally they would know best who designed the assassin droid sent after the royal family of Uberwald. In addition, there have been rumours of something big headed in from the Rim, which our beTrobi operatives say might be a dragon - one of the big sort--
LADY SYBIL
One of the Draco nobilis.
VIMES
--but right now there have been no reports to conclusively prove this.
LADY SYBIL
For one thing, the greater dragons are so *rare* nowadays--
VIMES
Dear...
LADY SYBIL
--and there would be no real reason for it to be migrating Hubward. Dragons, as a rule, tend to be so territorial--
VIMES
[getting annoyed] *Yes*, dear, and of course you're the foremost expert on dragons but we don't know for certain if this *is* a dragon!
LADY SYBIL
No need to get huffy about it, Sam. Remember your blood pressure.
VIMES
[grumbles] YesDear. [aloud] In any case, we must assume that the rumours might be true and prepare ourselves accordingly. In the meantime, yesterday morning I asked the lead scholar at the Ivory Tower to contact us as soon as he's figured out the origin of the assassin droid. [pause] His apprentice said he would get back to me by teatime today. That means he should be contacting us in [Vimes reaches into his robes for a pocket-watch and consults it] two min--
The mirror crackles to life, revealing it to be a fancy viewscreen. Vimes and Sybil turn to face it as the connection opens, revealing the face of a man obviously younger than the Rebels expected. He is in his late twenties, mainly beardless though evidently not for lack of trying [he has managed Johnny Depp stubble in the form of a sparse goatee], and he wears round black-rimmed spectacles. He bears an alarming resemblance to Threepio - or should I say Threepio bears a striking resemblance to the young man. This is PONDER STIBBONS.
LADY SYBIL
Who are you?!
VIMES
Sybil, dear, let me ask the questions... [to Stibbons] Who are you?! [off his wife's smirk] ... and how did you get this frequency?
PONDER STIBBONS
Ponder Stibbons, sir. I believe you contacted me regarding the plans for an assassin droid that was sent to Uberwald?
VIMES
I sent that file to Leonard da Quirm, and I would rather not speak to his file clerk.
Stibbons stiffens, clearly insulted.
PONDER STIBBONS
Monsignor da Quirm has been missing for over a year now.
VIMES
Then who's the lead scholar there?
PONDER STIBBONS
I am!
VIMES
Oh. I expected someone--
PONDER STIBBONS
Older?
VIMES
Actually, yes.
PONDER STIBBONS
It's an established fact that the human brain stops growing at thirty-five. [looks pointedly at Vimes] After which it starts shrinking. Now, do you want to know what we've discovered or not?
VIMES
[scowling at the implied insult in the trivia] Fine. Where's the bloody droid from?
PONDER STIBBONS
The design was especially ingenious - quite distinctive, really. So distinctive, in fact, that we double-checked our findings eight times before we were satisfied.
VIMES
[after a beat] Well?
PONDER STIBBONS
It was a Leonard.
The Rebels react.
VIMES
A Leonard?! You mean--?
PONDER STIBBONS
The assassin droid was designed and built by Leonard da Quirm, yes. It's impossible to replicate that sort of genious. [pause] If it's any consolation, I understand he tended to be a bit naive - High Intelligence, Low Wisdom, you know - so it's entirely possible he had no idea of its purpose.
VIMES
But didn't you say that Leonard was missing?
PONDER STIBBONS
I believe I can offer an educated guess on his current location, based on this discovery.
LADY SYBIL
The Empire.
PONDER STIBBONS
Precisely. He's probably been captured - though I doubt he'd be aware of any danger.
NOBBY
[stage whisper to Colon] For a genius, he sounds like a bit of a bonehead t'me.
PONDER STIBBONS
[overhearing] He's always been a bit... focused. In any case, my recommendation is that a rescue team be assembled to get him out of harm's way before he invents again.
VIMES
I notice you're not volunteering.
PONDER STIBBONS
I'm a roboticist, not a superhero. Of course, I don't expect you'd be surprised at that bit of trivia - one of my earlier models was assigned as the royal butler in Uberwald. And if I'm not mistaken...
Stibbons looks speculatively at Threepio, who shrinks slightly in preprogrammed deference to his creator.
PONDER THREEPIO
Yessir, I am that droid. As you can see, circumstances have... changed since my assignment.
VIMES
Wait a minute... one of your *earlier* models?
PONDER STIBBONS
I engineered the 3PO line seven years ago.
VIMES
When you were... ? [how old?]
PONDER STIBBONS
Eighteen. As you might expect, my droids have advanced since then.
VIMES
[sotto] Great... we've got a bloody Doogie Howser on our hands. [a/n: Bonus points to anyone who gets that reference!]
Suddenly Rincewind, who has elected not to exchange his familiar red robes for the Clorox bedsheet fashions of Ephebe [and who therefore sticks out like a sore thumb at the meeting], raises his hand.
VIMES
Yes, Wincerind?
RINCEWIND
That's Rincewind.
VIMES
Whatever. You had a question?
RINCEWIND
Er. Who's going to be in the rescue team?
He looks like he's absolutely certain that he will be part of the team, whether he wants to be or not, and he's bracing for the news.
VIMES
Relax. I wouldn't send you to rescue someone if you were the last hero on the Disc.
RINCEWIND
[uncertain] Um, thank... you. Sir.
VIMES
[to Stibbons] As you can see, I appreciate Leonard's strategic value. You can rest assured I won't send rank amateurs to rescue him.
RINCEWIND
[now thinking he ought to feel at least affronted] Hey now...
VIMES
Carrot? How about you?
CARROT
I can't. I have things to do.
VIMES
[disbelieving at Carrot's apparent sudden apathy] "Things to do?"
CARROT
[dutifully] I made a promise to someone that I intend to keep. I'll catch up with you later.
Vimes sighs.
VIMES
We could really use your help--
CARROT
I know. I'm sorry.
VIMES
Well. [to Stibbons] We'll send a team... not quite the best of the best, but...
PONDER STIBBONS
The best of what's left?
VIMES
I'm sure you can sympathise.
PONDER STIBBONS
You should have seen who was running Unseen University by the time I relocated to Quirm.
VIMES
Right. I'll contact you as soon as we have Leonard safely away from the Empire.
PONDER STIBBONS
Righto.
VIMES
May the Force be with you.
PONDER STIBBONS
Live long and prosper. [makes the appropriate Vulcan hand gesture]
Stibbons signs off. Vimes looks like he has a headache [but then, he tends to look like that more or less permanently]. After a few beats:
VIMES
Okay, everyone who's uncomfortable having a Star Trek geek running a major Discworld landmark in a Star Wars parody, please raise your hand.
Vimes and most of the other Rebels raise their hands. Threepio is a notable but understandable exception.
RINCEWIND
[to the "director zone" off-camera] Where'd you get him, anyway?
GEORGE LUCAS
I found him at the premiere of "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone."
VIMES
You mean you cast Daniel Radcliff?!?
GEORGE LUCAS
Of course not! I know better than to horn in on another fandom. [embarrassed beat] He just won the Harry Potter lookalike contest, is all.
The Rebels groan.
*****
End Part 4.