Disclaimer: See Part 1.
Author's Note: Happy New Year's everyone! Sorry this has taken so long, but my inspiration faeries have decided to be a bit capricious lately. I'll try to pick up the pace a bit in future chapters.
*****
EXT - EPHEBE - HANGING GARDEN
The Uberwald royal family [to recap: Queen Serafine, King Guye, and Princess Angua, with Threepio tagging along for the look of the thing] are walking in the beautiful Ephebean Hanging Garden but not really enjoying as much as they might had they not come there for a private family discussion.
PRINCESS ANGUA
I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this.
QUEEN SERAFINE
I just don't want you to get hurt.
PRINCESS ANGUA
Hurt?! Telling me I can't see him isn't exactly painless! I love him, and I know he loves me.
KING GUYE
We're royalty, Angua... love doesn't have anything to do with marriage for us.
QUEEN SERAFINE
I mean, if he were just human, that would be one thing - that's easily fixed, you know. But he's a commoner. Princesses only marry commoners in fairy tales and bad movies.
Angua sets her jaw.
PRINCESS ANGUA
You're worried that he won't measure up? Well he is a *lot* more noble than most of the highbrows we've seen since the rising of the Empire. He's gentle, dutiful, honourable...
QUEEN SERAFINE
But is he rich?
KING GUYE
[diplomatic translation] We need to know if such a marriage would be advantageous for both families.
PRINCESS ANGUA
His father owns one of the bigger mines in the Ramtops.
The Royal Parents grimace at the mention of Carrot's adopted father.
KING GUYE
He also says his father is a dwarf. Definitely not our people.
Angua makes an exasperated noise.
PRINCESS ANGUA
You two are IMPOSSIBLE! He rescues all of us from the assassin droid, and you still don't think he's good enough for me! Well guess what - screw *you*, and screw *you*!
She storms away, leaving her parents in a cloud of pollen and indignance.
After a diplomatic pause:
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
If it helps, I can sympathise.
KING GUYE
It doesn't.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
[backing off] Okay then...
INT - CONFERENCE ROOM - EPHEBE
The conference room is now mostly empty, save for Vimes, Teppic and Chidder [who have been given clothing], Ridcully, and Chewbacca.
VIMES
You do realise that you still haven't given me a compelling reason why I should let a pair of assassins help the Rebellion.
CHIDDER
Well, as I said before, if we were Imperial, you would all be dead right now.
RIDCULLY
I doubt that. You're young enough to be my grandson.
CHIDDER
Besides which, we already know too much for you to just let us go. You see, we know about the dragon. You know about the dragon. We know you know about the dragon, and now you know we know about the dragon - but the Empire doesn't know any of us know about the dragon, which is what Vetinari is counting on - us not knowing. But since he doesn't know that we know, I happen to know that if we act on that knowledge he'll be caught unknowing.
There is a brief pause.
RIDCULLY
You catch all that, Vimes?
VIMES
[slightly perplexed] I think so.
TEPPIC
I believe what my verbose friend is suggesting is a preemptive, two-pronged attack.
Ridcully and Vimes share a moment of clarity: Ah yes...
VIMES
So what else do you 'know' about this dragon?
CHIDDER
What are we, omniscient?
VIMES
You seem to know a hell of a lot.
CHIDDER
Well, beyond the facts already outlined--
RIDCULLY
In that very pristine tangle, thank you.
CHIDDER
[glaring at Ridcully] --we have only ideas and theories. One of our theories is that if we do what needs doing on the Star Destroyer and in Quirm at the same time, Vetinari will only get some of us, and we cut our losses.
VIMES
These are human lives we're talking about. I am not willing to gamble on the possibility that he will only get "some of us".
CHIDDER
[placating] Hey, we're all heroes here, right? Chances are, a few nameless extras will die heroically in the line of duty, and everyone with individual credits will get away with a few bumps and bruises.
Vimes is clearly unimpressed.
TEPPIC
Chidder, perhaps you should shut up now.
CHIDDER
Fine. If you think you can get though to this pachycephalic peon, be my guest.
RIDCULLY
Pachy... what?
TEPPIC
I believe that's an Ephebean term for someone who has a thick head.
RIDCULLY
[glancing wryly at Vimes] I don't think I need to say anything to that.
Vimes gives Ridcully a look that indicates he would strangle the older man if he wanted to waste the energy.
TEPPIC
I have a slightly more concise plan in mind, Captain.
VIMES
Speak.
TEPPIC
Two teams - one to go to the Star Destroyer after Monsignor da Quirm and one to go to Quirm to consult with Master Stibbons. In fact, I would suggest sending the bulk of your forces to Quirm, because once the Empire discovers that the Ivory Tower is once again occupied - much less that Quirm is a covert Rebel sympthiser - they will send everyone and their dog to capture Quirm - or, failing that, to destroy it. And that would be bad, am I correct?
RIDCULLY
[aside to Vimes] Didn't you send all the Rebel civilians to Quirm?
VIMES
[aside to Ridcully] I remember what I did an episode ago!
RIDCULLY
[aside to Vimes] Just checking.
VIMES
[aside to Ridcully] The question is, has the Empire found that out yet?
RIDCULLY
[aside to Vimes] If worst comes to worst, does it matter?
VIMES
[aside to Ridcully] No... I suppose not.
TEPPIC
Have you finished with your private conference, or shall I send out for coffee and donuts?
VIMES
[to Teppic] There are... certain factors which would make it incredibly bad if the Empire attacked Quirm.
TEPPIC
I figured as much. So you need to get there and prepare before the Empire gets wind of things.
VIMES
And what will you be doing this whole time?
TEPPIC
I propose to have someone get me to the Star Destroyer in question via starship. From there I will free Leonard da Quirm and, with him in tow, meet up with my ride again with a minimum of muss and fuss.
VIMES
You're proposing to penetrate the inner sanctum of a Star Destroyer *alone*? The last time it took four people - five if you include Chewbacca.
Chewie salutes.
Teppic shrugs.
TEPPIC
What can I say? I am a Rebellion of One
CHIDDER
[sotto] Got that straight, Mr. Abdication...
TEPPIC
[ignoring him] I just need an experienced pilot to get me there.
All eyes fall on Ridcully, who hedges for several moments.
VIMES
We'll pay you.
RIDCULLY
I still haven't paid for the *last* three rescue missions! And I expect a bonus for getting frozen in carbonite!
Vimes gives Ridcully a "we've been through this a hundred times" sort of look.
VIMES
[sarcastic] I expect you'll also want a medal of honour for deliberately not being an arsehole?
RIDCULLY
[ditto] That would help.
VIMES
I'll attend to it... momentarily.
RIDCULLY
[missing the subtext] Fine. Teppic, you've got yourself a pilot.
Chewie hoots pointedly.
RIDCULLY
[correcting himself] Pilots. You've got yourself two pilots. Let's get on it.
VIMES
Before we adjourn, I would like to hear how Chidder proposes we get our forces to Quirm undetected. If we send all our ships there at once, they're bound to notice.
CHIDDER
[smug] That, mon capitan, will not be a problem. I have my own transportation.
VIMES
And what might that be?
EXT - EPHEBEAN HARBOUR
Chidder and Vimes look down into the harbour at a large angular shape, painted stealth-bomber black, lurking in the water like a futuristic crocodile.
CHIDDER
This is _Il Nomine_, my stealth ship.
VIMES
I didn't notice any ships in the harbour this morning.
CHIDDER
That's rather the point. Anyway, she's fully crewed, and it can hold an ungodly amount of passengers if they don't mind traveling standing room only in the cargo hold - though I do have a few suites for the crew and any high-ranking officers. She can skim over the water with barely a ripple, or travel submerged, or even hover above the water. And she's invisible to radar and most other detection systems.
VIMES
And this will get us to Quirm quickly without getting blown up?
CHIDDER
She hasn't failed me yet.
Vimes sighs.
VIMES
It'll have to do.
Chidder looks a bit put off by Vimes' verdict that the Nomine will "have to do", but he says nothing... for the moment.
*****
End Part 6.
Author's Note: Happy New Year's everyone! Sorry this has taken so long, but my inspiration faeries have decided to be a bit capricious lately. I'll try to pick up the pace a bit in future chapters.
*****
EXT - EPHEBE - HANGING GARDEN
The Uberwald royal family [to recap: Queen Serafine, King Guye, and Princess Angua, with Threepio tagging along for the look of the thing] are walking in the beautiful Ephebean Hanging Garden but not really enjoying as much as they might had they not come there for a private family discussion.
PRINCESS ANGUA
I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this.
QUEEN SERAFINE
I just don't want you to get hurt.
PRINCESS ANGUA
Hurt?! Telling me I can't see him isn't exactly painless! I love him, and I know he loves me.
KING GUYE
We're royalty, Angua... love doesn't have anything to do with marriage for us.
QUEEN SERAFINE
I mean, if he were just human, that would be one thing - that's easily fixed, you know. But he's a commoner. Princesses only marry commoners in fairy tales and bad movies.
Angua sets her jaw.
PRINCESS ANGUA
You're worried that he won't measure up? Well he is a *lot* more noble than most of the highbrows we've seen since the rising of the Empire. He's gentle, dutiful, honourable...
QUEEN SERAFINE
But is he rich?
KING GUYE
[diplomatic translation] We need to know if such a marriage would be advantageous for both families.
PRINCESS ANGUA
His father owns one of the bigger mines in the Ramtops.
The Royal Parents grimace at the mention of Carrot's adopted father.
KING GUYE
He also says his father is a dwarf. Definitely not our people.
Angua makes an exasperated noise.
PRINCESS ANGUA
You two are IMPOSSIBLE! He rescues all of us from the assassin droid, and you still don't think he's good enough for me! Well guess what - screw *you*, and screw *you*!
She storms away, leaving her parents in a cloud of pollen and indignance.
After a diplomatic pause:
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
If it helps, I can sympathise.
KING GUYE
It doesn't.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
[backing off] Okay then...
INT - CONFERENCE ROOM - EPHEBE
The conference room is now mostly empty, save for Vimes, Teppic and Chidder [who have been given clothing], Ridcully, and Chewbacca.
VIMES
You do realise that you still haven't given me a compelling reason why I should let a pair of assassins help the Rebellion.
CHIDDER
Well, as I said before, if we were Imperial, you would all be dead right now.
RIDCULLY
I doubt that. You're young enough to be my grandson.
CHIDDER
Besides which, we already know too much for you to just let us go. You see, we know about the dragon. You know about the dragon. We know you know about the dragon, and now you know we know about the dragon - but the Empire doesn't know any of us know about the dragon, which is what Vetinari is counting on - us not knowing. But since he doesn't know that we know, I happen to know that if we act on that knowledge he'll be caught unknowing.
There is a brief pause.
RIDCULLY
You catch all that, Vimes?
VIMES
[slightly perplexed] I think so.
TEPPIC
I believe what my verbose friend is suggesting is a preemptive, two-pronged attack.
Ridcully and Vimes share a moment of clarity: Ah yes...
VIMES
So what else do you 'know' about this dragon?
CHIDDER
What are we, omniscient?
VIMES
You seem to know a hell of a lot.
CHIDDER
Well, beyond the facts already outlined--
RIDCULLY
In that very pristine tangle, thank you.
CHIDDER
[glaring at Ridcully] --we have only ideas and theories. One of our theories is that if we do what needs doing on the Star Destroyer and in Quirm at the same time, Vetinari will only get some of us, and we cut our losses.
VIMES
These are human lives we're talking about. I am not willing to gamble on the possibility that he will only get "some of us".
CHIDDER
[placating] Hey, we're all heroes here, right? Chances are, a few nameless extras will die heroically in the line of duty, and everyone with individual credits will get away with a few bumps and bruises.
Vimes is clearly unimpressed.
TEPPIC
Chidder, perhaps you should shut up now.
CHIDDER
Fine. If you think you can get though to this pachycephalic peon, be my guest.
RIDCULLY
Pachy... what?
TEPPIC
I believe that's an Ephebean term for someone who has a thick head.
RIDCULLY
[glancing wryly at Vimes] I don't think I need to say anything to that.
Vimes gives Ridcully a look that indicates he would strangle the older man if he wanted to waste the energy.
TEPPIC
I have a slightly more concise plan in mind, Captain.
VIMES
Speak.
TEPPIC
Two teams - one to go to the Star Destroyer after Monsignor da Quirm and one to go to Quirm to consult with Master Stibbons. In fact, I would suggest sending the bulk of your forces to Quirm, because once the Empire discovers that the Ivory Tower is once again occupied - much less that Quirm is a covert Rebel sympthiser - they will send everyone and their dog to capture Quirm - or, failing that, to destroy it. And that would be bad, am I correct?
RIDCULLY
[aside to Vimes] Didn't you send all the Rebel civilians to Quirm?
VIMES
[aside to Ridcully] I remember what I did an episode ago!
RIDCULLY
[aside to Vimes] Just checking.
VIMES
[aside to Ridcully] The question is, has the Empire found that out yet?
RIDCULLY
[aside to Vimes] If worst comes to worst, does it matter?
VIMES
[aside to Ridcully] No... I suppose not.
TEPPIC
Have you finished with your private conference, or shall I send out for coffee and donuts?
VIMES
[to Teppic] There are... certain factors which would make it incredibly bad if the Empire attacked Quirm.
TEPPIC
I figured as much. So you need to get there and prepare before the Empire gets wind of things.
VIMES
And what will you be doing this whole time?
TEPPIC
I propose to have someone get me to the Star Destroyer in question via starship. From there I will free Leonard da Quirm and, with him in tow, meet up with my ride again with a minimum of muss and fuss.
VIMES
You're proposing to penetrate the inner sanctum of a Star Destroyer *alone*? The last time it took four people - five if you include Chewbacca.
Chewie salutes.
Teppic shrugs.
TEPPIC
What can I say? I am a Rebellion of One
CHIDDER
[sotto] Got that straight, Mr. Abdication...
TEPPIC
[ignoring him] I just need an experienced pilot to get me there.
All eyes fall on Ridcully, who hedges for several moments.
VIMES
We'll pay you.
RIDCULLY
I still haven't paid for the *last* three rescue missions! And I expect a bonus for getting frozen in carbonite!
Vimes gives Ridcully a "we've been through this a hundred times" sort of look.
VIMES
[sarcastic] I expect you'll also want a medal of honour for deliberately not being an arsehole?
RIDCULLY
[ditto] That would help.
VIMES
I'll attend to it... momentarily.
RIDCULLY
[missing the subtext] Fine. Teppic, you've got yourself a pilot.
Chewie hoots pointedly.
RIDCULLY
[correcting himself] Pilots. You've got yourself two pilots. Let's get on it.
VIMES
Before we adjourn, I would like to hear how Chidder proposes we get our forces to Quirm undetected. If we send all our ships there at once, they're bound to notice.
CHIDDER
[smug] That, mon capitan, will not be a problem. I have my own transportation.
VIMES
And what might that be?
EXT - EPHEBEAN HARBOUR
Chidder and Vimes look down into the harbour at a large angular shape, painted stealth-bomber black, lurking in the water like a futuristic crocodile.
CHIDDER
This is _Il Nomine_, my stealth ship.
VIMES
I didn't notice any ships in the harbour this morning.
CHIDDER
That's rather the point. Anyway, she's fully crewed, and it can hold an ungodly amount of passengers if they don't mind traveling standing room only in the cargo hold - though I do have a few suites for the crew and any high-ranking officers. She can skim over the water with barely a ripple, or travel submerged, or even hover above the water. And she's invisible to radar and most other detection systems.
VIMES
And this will get us to Quirm quickly without getting blown up?
CHIDDER
She hasn't failed me yet.
Vimes sighs.
VIMES
It'll have to do.
Chidder looks a bit put off by Vimes' verdict that the Nomine will "have to do", but he says nothing... for the moment.
*****
End Part 6.