Disclaimer: See Part 1.
Author's note: Okay, I'm really sorry I haven't updated this in a while - but the appropriately assigned inspiration faeries got on a drunken bender shortly after I finished "Such a Simple Case" and it took a while to reassign some people to this story. I'll try to stay on the ball a bit more in the future [in between "The Detective and the Diplomat"] so don't bite!
*****
EXT - LANCRE - GRANNY WEATHERWAX'S COTTAGE
We regard the cottage for several beats, listening to the soothing noises of the swamp: the crickets chirping, the birds calling, the occasional bubble of methane percolating up through the soggy soil... and the impending interdimensional quantum event.
Space and time briefly tear open with a sound like a god breaking wind, dumping its contents onto Granny's back lawn near the outhouse: a phone booth. Its arrival blows the back door shut with a frame-rattling clang. It is of the Bill and Ted sort, gleaming silver and red with TELEPHONE proudly announced above the folding door, which presently unfolds to reveal someone who is neither Bill nor Ted [well, obviously not]. This newcomer's main feature is the fifteen-foot-long scarf he has coiled three or four times around his neck but whose ends still nearly trail on the ground as he approaches the cottage to ask directions. Other than his neckwear, he appears to be the most frighteningly average [though a bit quirky] Englishman in the whole movie, with a mop of curly hair, vaguely equine teeth, and a tweed frockcoat.
He reaches the back door and knocks tentatively. A crow flies up to the cottage, pauses to note the closed back door and the man standing in front of it, and perches on the eaves of the cottage. It croaks at him as he waits for an answer that doesn't come. After a few moments, he opens the door and enters the cottage, nearly slamming the door in the face of the following crow, who squawks in indignation.
GUY WITH SCARF
Hello? I say, hellooo? [no answer] Hm.
The crow banks past him and into the next room. He watches it curiously and follows to find...
GRANNY WEATHERWAX,
lying cold and stiff on the bed, looking remarkably deceased except for the awkwardly lettered sign clenched in her rigid fingers: I ATEN'T DEAD. Literacy is not very high on her list of priorities.
The crow settles on the bedpost near Granny and cocks its head meaningfully at the traveller. Then it shakes itself, and the colour starts to return to Granny's face. Her eyelids flutter open, and she immediately registers the presence of her guest, who has watched this whole operation with great curiosity.
GUY WITH SCARF
I do beg your pardon for intruding - I feared you were dead.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Grawk... That's why the sign. Could you get me - AWK - a glass of water or something? My mouth tastes like a dead animal.
GUY WITH SCARF
[confused] Oh, yes, of course.
As he goes to do so:
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
And while you're in there, there's a bacon rind in the larder. Get that too.
He returns with a glass of water and the bacon rind on a plate. She sets the rind on the bedtable, and the crow hops off the bedpost and chows down as she gulps down the glass of water. When she finishes:
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Ah. Much better. That's the trouble with Borrowing crows. Anyway--
[she turns her keen gaze on the traveler, and he stiffens under the Force of her will]
--What the hell are you doing in my cottage in the first place?
GUY WITH SCARF
I was... wondering if you'd seen... two young men... with a blue public police call box?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
With a what?
GUY WITH SCARF
I believe there was a minor mix-up about four worlds ago - we accidentally switched phone booths, you might say. And considering how much more advanced mine is than theirs, you can imagine the trouble I had in tracking them here.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
[relenting a bit] Well, unless I miss my guess, they'll probably be in the enemy stronghold.
GUY WITH SCARF
Are you sure?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
I've been around long enough to learn a thing or two about narrative causality and plot devices. The likelihood of a device being in the hands of the bad guys is directly proportionate to how dangerous that exact situation would be.
GUY WITH SCARF
Ah, yes. You have a point there. Well, I'll be on my way, then. Tempus fuget, you know.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Not for the likes of you, I'd wager. I'd say you had all the time in the world... but only if you leave now.
GUY WITH SCARF
Ah... right. Good day, then.
He hustles back out to the phone booth, and a few moments later it vanishes, apparently into the ground.
Precisely three seconds after that, we hear the sound of a ship approaching. Granny peers out the window, nods to herself, and prepares to receive her young student once again.
INT - IVORY TOWER - QUIRM
We are in a darkened room, up to the moment Ponder enters and switches on the fluorescent lights to reveal a computer room - hardly what one would expect in a quaint city such as Quirm, but there you have it.
PONDER STIBBONS
Good morning, Persephone.
PERSEPHONE [voice]
Good morning, Ponder.
"Persephone" sounds like every feminine computer voice you have ever heard: young and polite, with [in this case] vague overtones of romantic availability. She might be able to get a job narrating an advertisement for a sports car.
PONDER STIBBONS
How are you feeling today?
PERSEPHONE [voice]
Positively yummy. I don't think you've ever done that with a can of compressed air before.
Ponder looks uneasily at the origin of Persephone's voice, a bit weirded out at the idea that he may have accidentally made her fully functional, as it were.
PONDER STIBBONS
[embarrassed] We'll just keep that between us, shall we?
PERSEPHONE [voice]
Of course, Ponder. How may I be of assistance today?
He looks at a screen displaying a map displaying a fair portion of the immediate geographical area, plus an big, ominous looking blip trailed by a series of red X's.
PONDER STIBBONS
[indicating the blip] Any theories on what that is?
PERSEPHONE [voice]
You may recall the matter of the dragon attack on Ankh-Morpork several years ago? The dragon in question subsequently retired to somewhere near the Rim with a swamp dragon named Errol.
PONDER STIBBONS
Okay...?
PERSEPHONE [voice]
I believe it may be that dragon.
PONDER STIBBONS
[trying for a valid reason why not] Well - the chances of that are... astronomical! Such a creature can only exist nowadays in a high-magic environment - that's why it went to the Rim - right?
PERSEPHONE [voice]
My conclusion is based on the data I have collected. If you don't like it...
PONDER STIBBONS
No... no... it's a perfectly valid conclusion. [beat] Any ideas where it's headed?
He can see perfectly clearly where it appears to be headed, but is hoping Persephone will dispute the blindingly obvious.
PERSEPHONE [voice]
It appears to be headed for Quirm.
There is a long, dramatic pause.
PERSEPHONE [voice]
If it helps, so are our reinforcements. I picked up the photon signature of a stealth vessel midway between Ephebe and Quirm, headed for the Quirmish shore. I expect they will be here in two days, accounting for foot travel through the forest.
PONDER STIBBONS
That'll take too long. Have Skazz and Tezz meet them with Puzuma bikes.
PERSEPHONE [voice]
It would be impractical and unwise to provide Puzuma bikes for the entire Rebellion.
PONDER STIBBONS
[sighs] You're right. Send ahead a half-dozen bikes - that should take care of the principal characters, at least.
We hear the sound of Persephone processing the commands.
PERSEPHONE [voice]
One is happy to serve.
PONDER STIBBONS
Thanks. Any word on how the rescue is going?
EXT - STAR DESTROYER
PERSEPHONE [v.o.]
As well as can be expected. Try to be patient.
A second glance at the orbiting fortress reveals the much smaller Millennium Falcon clinging to it like a tick.
INT - STAR DESTROYER
We see Vetinari sitting behind his desk. The door chimes, still set to the Imperial March.
DARTH VETINARI
[not looking up] What is it?
The door slides open, revealing George Lucas, dressed in Jedi Casual - flannel shirt, jeans, sneakers, and Jedi robe. His inactive lightsaber hangs from his belt. Sensing a disturbance, Vetinari looks up.
DARTH VETINARI
Oh, it's you.
GEORGE LUCAS
It's time.
DARTH VETINARI
We agreed on an hour. It's only been twelve minutes.
GEORGE LUCAS
Twelve minutes *movie* time. It's been a good hour studio time.
DARTH VETINARI
[standing up] Oh, bloody hell... Listen, this really isn't a good time. I have four appointments with nobles this afternoon, five new mimes to address, and three plotlines about to intersect very shortly.
Lucas looks so unimpressed at Vetinari's busy schedule that there is actually a thunderclap and a flash of what might be lightning behind the director.
DARTH VETINARI
You're really going to push this, aren't you?
GEORGE LUCAS
If it's any consolation, you have only yourself to blame.
DARTH VETINARI
Oh, shut up. Give me a moment, all right? [rubs his forehead, then thumbs a speaker button on his desk] Teatime.
MR. TEATIME [through speaker]
Yessir?
Mr. Teatime sounds like a common relative of both Hannibal Lector and Ned Flanders: dangerous and enthusiastic about it.
DARTH VETINARI
Go make sure nothing heroic happens to Leonard while I deal with God here.
MR. TEATIME [thru speaker]
Righto. [he might as well have said "okely-dokely"]
Vetinari releases the speaker button.
GEORGE LUCAS
Shall we?
DARTH VETINARI
Bring it on.
*****
End Part 7.
Author's note: Okay, I'm really sorry I haven't updated this in a while - but the appropriately assigned inspiration faeries got on a drunken bender shortly after I finished "Such a Simple Case" and it took a while to reassign some people to this story. I'll try to stay on the ball a bit more in the future [in between "The Detective and the Diplomat"] so don't bite!
*****
EXT - LANCRE - GRANNY WEATHERWAX'S COTTAGE
We regard the cottage for several beats, listening to the soothing noises of the swamp: the crickets chirping, the birds calling, the occasional bubble of methane percolating up through the soggy soil... and the impending interdimensional quantum event.
Space and time briefly tear open with a sound like a god breaking wind, dumping its contents onto Granny's back lawn near the outhouse: a phone booth. Its arrival blows the back door shut with a frame-rattling clang. It is of the Bill and Ted sort, gleaming silver and red with TELEPHONE proudly announced above the folding door, which presently unfolds to reveal someone who is neither Bill nor Ted [well, obviously not]. This newcomer's main feature is the fifteen-foot-long scarf he has coiled three or four times around his neck but whose ends still nearly trail on the ground as he approaches the cottage to ask directions. Other than his neckwear, he appears to be the most frighteningly average [though a bit quirky] Englishman in the whole movie, with a mop of curly hair, vaguely equine teeth, and a tweed frockcoat.
He reaches the back door and knocks tentatively. A crow flies up to the cottage, pauses to note the closed back door and the man standing in front of it, and perches on the eaves of the cottage. It croaks at him as he waits for an answer that doesn't come. After a few moments, he opens the door and enters the cottage, nearly slamming the door in the face of the following crow, who squawks in indignation.
GUY WITH SCARF
Hello? I say, hellooo? [no answer] Hm.
The crow banks past him and into the next room. He watches it curiously and follows to find...
GRANNY WEATHERWAX,
lying cold and stiff on the bed, looking remarkably deceased except for the awkwardly lettered sign clenched in her rigid fingers: I ATEN'T DEAD. Literacy is not very high on her list of priorities.
The crow settles on the bedpost near Granny and cocks its head meaningfully at the traveller. Then it shakes itself, and the colour starts to return to Granny's face. Her eyelids flutter open, and she immediately registers the presence of her guest, who has watched this whole operation with great curiosity.
GUY WITH SCARF
I do beg your pardon for intruding - I feared you were dead.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Grawk... That's why the sign. Could you get me - AWK - a glass of water or something? My mouth tastes like a dead animal.
GUY WITH SCARF
[confused] Oh, yes, of course.
As he goes to do so:
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
And while you're in there, there's a bacon rind in the larder. Get that too.
He returns with a glass of water and the bacon rind on a plate. She sets the rind on the bedtable, and the crow hops off the bedpost and chows down as she gulps down the glass of water. When she finishes:
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Ah. Much better. That's the trouble with Borrowing crows. Anyway--
[she turns her keen gaze on the traveler, and he stiffens under the Force of her will]
--What the hell are you doing in my cottage in the first place?
GUY WITH SCARF
I was... wondering if you'd seen... two young men... with a blue public police call box?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
With a what?
GUY WITH SCARF
I believe there was a minor mix-up about four worlds ago - we accidentally switched phone booths, you might say. And considering how much more advanced mine is than theirs, you can imagine the trouble I had in tracking them here.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
[relenting a bit] Well, unless I miss my guess, they'll probably be in the enemy stronghold.
GUY WITH SCARF
Are you sure?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
I've been around long enough to learn a thing or two about narrative causality and plot devices. The likelihood of a device being in the hands of the bad guys is directly proportionate to how dangerous that exact situation would be.
GUY WITH SCARF
Ah, yes. You have a point there. Well, I'll be on my way, then. Tempus fuget, you know.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Not for the likes of you, I'd wager. I'd say you had all the time in the world... but only if you leave now.
GUY WITH SCARF
Ah... right. Good day, then.
He hustles back out to the phone booth, and a few moments later it vanishes, apparently into the ground.
Precisely three seconds after that, we hear the sound of a ship approaching. Granny peers out the window, nods to herself, and prepares to receive her young student once again.
INT - IVORY TOWER - QUIRM
We are in a darkened room, up to the moment Ponder enters and switches on the fluorescent lights to reveal a computer room - hardly what one would expect in a quaint city such as Quirm, but there you have it.
PONDER STIBBONS
Good morning, Persephone.
PERSEPHONE [voice]
Good morning, Ponder.
"Persephone" sounds like every feminine computer voice you have ever heard: young and polite, with [in this case] vague overtones of romantic availability. She might be able to get a job narrating an advertisement for a sports car.
PONDER STIBBONS
How are you feeling today?
PERSEPHONE [voice]
Positively yummy. I don't think you've ever done that with a can of compressed air before.
Ponder looks uneasily at the origin of Persephone's voice, a bit weirded out at the idea that he may have accidentally made her fully functional, as it were.
PONDER STIBBONS
[embarrassed] We'll just keep that between us, shall we?
PERSEPHONE [voice]
Of course, Ponder. How may I be of assistance today?
He looks at a screen displaying a map displaying a fair portion of the immediate geographical area, plus an big, ominous looking blip trailed by a series of red X's.
PONDER STIBBONS
[indicating the blip] Any theories on what that is?
PERSEPHONE [voice]
You may recall the matter of the dragon attack on Ankh-Morpork several years ago? The dragon in question subsequently retired to somewhere near the Rim with a swamp dragon named Errol.
PONDER STIBBONS
Okay...?
PERSEPHONE [voice]
I believe it may be that dragon.
PONDER STIBBONS
[trying for a valid reason why not] Well - the chances of that are... astronomical! Such a creature can only exist nowadays in a high-magic environment - that's why it went to the Rim - right?
PERSEPHONE [voice]
My conclusion is based on the data I have collected. If you don't like it...
PONDER STIBBONS
No... no... it's a perfectly valid conclusion. [beat] Any ideas where it's headed?
He can see perfectly clearly where it appears to be headed, but is hoping Persephone will dispute the blindingly obvious.
PERSEPHONE [voice]
It appears to be headed for Quirm.
There is a long, dramatic pause.
PERSEPHONE [voice]
If it helps, so are our reinforcements. I picked up the photon signature of a stealth vessel midway between Ephebe and Quirm, headed for the Quirmish shore. I expect they will be here in two days, accounting for foot travel through the forest.
PONDER STIBBONS
That'll take too long. Have Skazz and Tezz meet them with Puzuma bikes.
PERSEPHONE [voice]
It would be impractical and unwise to provide Puzuma bikes for the entire Rebellion.
PONDER STIBBONS
[sighs] You're right. Send ahead a half-dozen bikes - that should take care of the principal characters, at least.
We hear the sound of Persephone processing the commands.
PERSEPHONE [voice]
One is happy to serve.
PONDER STIBBONS
Thanks. Any word on how the rescue is going?
EXT - STAR DESTROYER
PERSEPHONE [v.o.]
As well as can be expected. Try to be patient.
A second glance at the orbiting fortress reveals the much smaller Millennium Falcon clinging to it like a tick.
INT - STAR DESTROYER
We see Vetinari sitting behind his desk. The door chimes, still set to the Imperial March.
DARTH VETINARI
[not looking up] What is it?
The door slides open, revealing George Lucas, dressed in Jedi Casual - flannel shirt, jeans, sneakers, and Jedi robe. His inactive lightsaber hangs from his belt. Sensing a disturbance, Vetinari looks up.
DARTH VETINARI
Oh, it's you.
GEORGE LUCAS
It's time.
DARTH VETINARI
We agreed on an hour. It's only been twelve minutes.
GEORGE LUCAS
Twelve minutes *movie* time. It's been a good hour studio time.
DARTH VETINARI
[standing up] Oh, bloody hell... Listen, this really isn't a good time. I have four appointments with nobles this afternoon, five new mimes to address, and three plotlines about to intersect very shortly.
Lucas looks so unimpressed at Vetinari's busy schedule that there is actually a thunderclap and a flash of what might be lightning behind the director.
DARTH VETINARI
You're really going to push this, aren't you?
GEORGE LUCAS
If it's any consolation, you have only yourself to blame.
DARTH VETINARI
Oh, shut up. Give me a moment, all right? [rubs his forehead, then thumbs a speaker button on his desk] Teatime.
MR. TEATIME [through speaker]
Yessir?
Mr. Teatime sounds like a common relative of both Hannibal Lector and Ned Flanders: dangerous and enthusiastic about it.
DARTH VETINARI
Go make sure nothing heroic happens to Leonard while I deal with God here.
MR. TEATIME [thru speaker]
Righto. [he might as well have said "okely-dokely"]
Vetinari releases the speaker button.
GEORGE LUCAS
Shall we?
DARTH VETINARI
Bring it on.
*****
End Part 7.