Disclaimer: See Part 1.
Author's note: Okay, I admit that Chapter Seven probably sucked, but now that I've broken through my writer's block it should get better from here on out. Enjoy!
*****
LANCRE - INT. GRANNY WEATHERWAX'S COTTAGE
Carrot sits at Granny's table, eating a bowl of "really, that's okay, I'd rather not know what's in it" soup as Granny ladles out a bowlful for herself.
CARROT
It's good to see you again, Granny... I'd been thinking a lot about what you said about the Force and how everything is linked, and I think it's all pretty cool.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Hm.
She sits down across from him with her own bowl of soup.
CARROT
So I've come back to finish my training, so I can become a real Jedi.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
I understand you challenged Vetinari.
CARROT
Well, yeah... he had my friends... and he tried to kill Angua.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
You *do* know about Angua and her family, right?
CARROT
Oh yes, of course. Threepio told me all about it.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
[uncertain how much he assimilated] Right.
There is a conversational pause. In the distance [about three soundstages away, to be precise], we hear lightsabers crashing together, so quietly that one might suspect they were a figment of one's imagination..
CARROT
I was wondering... do you know how my parents died?
She looks up from her soup, watching him, while at the same time trying to decide if he needs to hear all of it. Finally she reaches a decision.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Yes. I saw how they died. [pause; more lightsaber noises in the background] Maybe I should start at the beginning, as far as I know the story.
The lightsaber noises are getting a bit closer.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX [contd]
The man you know as Darth Vetinari was brought to me when he was a child named Havelock, to be taught the ways of the Jedi. He had a pedigree as long as your arm, with roots in most of the major families of the Sto Plains. [pause] He had promise, but he was a bit of a prick, even then.
She pauses in annoyance as the lightsaber noises become distinctly audible. Carrot is listening politely to her monologue.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Sorry, disturbance on the soundstage. Where was I?
CARROT
He was a prick...?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Ah yes... He was ambitious, but subtle as a snake. He learned what he thought was enough of the ways of the Jedi - by which I mean all the flashy mind tricks but none of the philosophy - and then ran off. I didn't see him again for ten years - and by then he'd been snatched up by Lord Hong.
The sounds of fighting are steadily getting closer, and both Granny and Carrot must raise their voices to be heard above them.
CARROT
Who's Lord Hong?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
He was the head of the Jedi order that became the Sith - the Dark Jedi. [pause] I expect he doesn't look all that great now - being so wholeheartedly evil tends to do unpleasant things to your complec--
A metal folding chair with a lightsaber gash in the backrest pinwheels through the air towards Granny, who leaps to her feet and uses her Jedi powers to steer it in a sharp curve away from her and out the cottage window.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
[echo] DO YOU MIND?! I'M TRYING TO DELIVER A DRAMATIC EXPOSITION TO THE KID AND YOU TWO ARE BEHAVING LIKE CHILDREN! [/echo]
DARTH VETINARI/ GEORGE LUCAS [o.s., unison]
Sorry.
She sits back down across from the slightly stunned Carrot.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Sorry about that. Clash of the egoes. Anyway...
CARROT
Lord Hong and Vetinari.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Right. I think it was the Sith who taught Havelock how to kill, and the Sith who were chasing your parents. He was there, too. I'd be surprised if he was much older than you are now when the Sith sent him.
CARROT
Sent him to do what?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
To inhume them.
Carrot looks blankly at her for a few moments before he deciphers what "inhume" means.
CARROT
You mean...?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Horrible way for someone that age to prove himself, you ask me. If it was just me and him, I'd've turned him over my knee, eighteen or not, but noooooo, he had to bring all his friends.
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
You make solidarity sound like a bad thing.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Shut up, you. You're not even in this scene.
Vetinari lets out a surprised oath, and there is the sound of lightsabers crashing together.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Thank you.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
No problem.
The fight progresses away from the cottage.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
As far as I can tell, you're damn close to Jedihood the way you are - but there's one more thing you have to do to become a full Jedi. Vetinari is part of your past, your present, and possibly your future. You must face him, break the tyranny of the Sith, and restore order to the Disc.
CARROT
[uncertain] That's kind of a lot for one person to do. I mean, I'm no wizard. I'm just... Carrot.
Granny smiles sympathetically.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
It's your destiny, lad.
CARROT
Well... what about Rincewind? He's a Jedi too, isn't he? He studied under you, he said.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Ah yes. Him. Well, as long as I'm offering backstory for the sake of plot continuity... [off Carrot's blank look] Don't worry about it. It'd take too long to explain. Anyway... Rincewind.
COMMENCE FLASHBACK AS SHE NARRATES.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Shortly before your parents died, the Sith started taking over the whole Jedi order, building an army, like. Some of the monasteries scattered hid their students, scattering their orders so the Sith wouldn't get hold of the budding Jedi. The students were sent to private tutors like me, and I got Rincewind. He was around twenty at the time, and he really showed some promise - until he saw what happened to those who defied the Sith.
CARROT
He saw my parents get killed?!
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
They nearly got him too. Would have, if I hadn't come up out of the cellar where I'd hidden you and driven them off. He was never quite the same after that. Jumped at shadows, that sort of thing. He still had his Jedi powers and everything, acourse, but his control got erratic.
CARROT
Oh. Well, he's gotten better at it, lately.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
I know... In fact, I've foreseen that both of you will be great heroes before this episode is over
NOBBY [o.s.]
Hey Carrot! If she predicts that you'll be surrounded by nubile young women, stay out of Klatch!
Granny seethes, then surges to her feet.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
That's it! Everybody clear the set until that damned saber fight is over!
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Let's just break for lunch, okay?
*****
End Part 8
Author's note: Okay, I admit that Chapter Seven probably sucked, but now that I've broken through my writer's block it should get better from here on out. Enjoy!
*****
LANCRE - INT. GRANNY WEATHERWAX'S COTTAGE
Carrot sits at Granny's table, eating a bowl of "really, that's okay, I'd rather not know what's in it" soup as Granny ladles out a bowlful for herself.
CARROT
It's good to see you again, Granny... I'd been thinking a lot about what you said about the Force and how everything is linked, and I think it's all pretty cool.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Hm.
She sits down across from him with her own bowl of soup.
CARROT
So I've come back to finish my training, so I can become a real Jedi.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
I understand you challenged Vetinari.
CARROT
Well, yeah... he had my friends... and he tried to kill Angua.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
You *do* know about Angua and her family, right?
CARROT
Oh yes, of course. Threepio told me all about it.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
[uncertain how much he assimilated] Right.
There is a conversational pause. In the distance [about three soundstages away, to be precise], we hear lightsabers crashing together, so quietly that one might suspect they were a figment of one's imagination..
CARROT
I was wondering... do you know how my parents died?
She looks up from her soup, watching him, while at the same time trying to decide if he needs to hear all of it. Finally she reaches a decision.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Yes. I saw how they died. [pause; more lightsaber noises in the background] Maybe I should start at the beginning, as far as I know the story.
The lightsaber noises are getting a bit closer.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX [contd]
The man you know as Darth Vetinari was brought to me when he was a child named Havelock, to be taught the ways of the Jedi. He had a pedigree as long as your arm, with roots in most of the major families of the Sto Plains. [pause] He had promise, but he was a bit of a prick, even then.
She pauses in annoyance as the lightsaber noises become distinctly audible. Carrot is listening politely to her monologue.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Sorry, disturbance on the soundstage. Where was I?
CARROT
He was a prick...?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Ah yes... He was ambitious, but subtle as a snake. He learned what he thought was enough of the ways of the Jedi - by which I mean all the flashy mind tricks but none of the philosophy - and then ran off. I didn't see him again for ten years - and by then he'd been snatched up by Lord Hong.
The sounds of fighting are steadily getting closer, and both Granny and Carrot must raise their voices to be heard above them.
CARROT
Who's Lord Hong?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
He was the head of the Jedi order that became the Sith - the Dark Jedi. [pause] I expect he doesn't look all that great now - being so wholeheartedly evil tends to do unpleasant things to your complec--
A metal folding chair with a lightsaber gash in the backrest pinwheels through the air towards Granny, who leaps to her feet and uses her Jedi powers to steer it in a sharp curve away from her and out the cottage window.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
[echo] DO YOU MIND?! I'M TRYING TO DELIVER A DRAMATIC EXPOSITION TO THE KID AND YOU TWO ARE BEHAVING LIKE CHILDREN! [/echo]
DARTH VETINARI/ GEORGE LUCAS [o.s., unison]
Sorry.
She sits back down across from the slightly stunned Carrot.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Sorry about that. Clash of the egoes. Anyway...
CARROT
Lord Hong and Vetinari.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Right. I think it was the Sith who taught Havelock how to kill, and the Sith who were chasing your parents. He was there, too. I'd be surprised if he was much older than you are now when the Sith sent him.
CARROT
Sent him to do what?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
To inhume them.
Carrot looks blankly at her for a few moments before he deciphers what "inhume" means.
CARROT
You mean...?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Horrible way for someone that age to prove himself, you ask me. If it was just me and him, I'd've turned him over my knee, eighteen or not, but noooooo, he had to bring all his friends.
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]
You make solidarity sound like a bad thing.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Shut up, you. You're not even in this scene.
Vetinari lets out a surprised oath, and there is the sound of lightsabers crashing together.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Thank you.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
No problem.
The fight progresses away from the cottage.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
As far as I can tell, you're damn close to Jedihood the way you are - but there's one more thing you have to do to become a full Jedi. Vetinari is part of your past, your present, and possibly your future. You must face him, break the tyranny of the Sith, and restore order to the Disc.
CARROT
[uncertain] That's kind of a lot for one person to do. I mean, I'm no wizard. I'm just... Carrot.
Granny smiles sympathetically.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
It's your destiny, lad.
CARROT
Well... what about Rincewind? He's a Jedi too, isn't he? He studied under you, he said.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Ah yes. Him. Well, as long as I'm offering backstory for the sake of plot continuity... [off Carrot's blank look] Don't worry about it. It'd take too long to explain. Anyway... Rincewind.
COMMENCE FLASHBACK AS SHE NARRATES.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
Shortly before your parents died, the Sith started taking over the whole Jedi order, building an army, like. Some of the monasteries scattered hid their students, scattering their orders so the Sith wouldn't get hold of the budding Jedi. The students were sent to private tutors like me, and I got Rincewind. He was around twenty at the time, and he really showed some promise - until he saw what happened to those who defied the Sith.
CARROT
He saw my parents get killed?!
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
They nearly got him too. Would have, if I hadn't come up out of the cellar where I'd hidden you and driven them off. He was never quite the same after that. Jumped at shadows, that sort of thing. He still had his Jedi powers and everything, acourse, but his control got erratic.
CARROT
Oh. Well, he's gotten better at it, lately.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
I know... In fact, I've foreseen that both of you will be great heroes before this episode is over
NOBBY [o.s.]
Hey Carrot! If she predicts that you'll be surrounded by nubile young women, stay out of Klatch!
Granny seethes, then surges to her feet.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
That's it! Everybody clear the set until that damned saber fight is over!
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Let's just break for lunch, okay?
*****
End Part 8