Disclaimer: See Part 1.
*****
INT - STAR DESTROYER - DUNGEON CORRIDOR
It is eerily silent in the corridor currently occupied by Ridcully [with a rifle] and Chewbacca [with a crossbow], with Teppic presumably somewhere in the gloom.
RIDCULLY
I really hope you know what you're doing.
Teppic suddenly materialises from a shadow very close to Ridcully.
TEPPIC
I was about to ask you the same thing.
Ridcully nearly jumps out of his skin, or shoots Teppic, or both. He settles for grabbing the Assassin's shoulder.
RIDCULLY
Don't. Do that.
Teppic coolly disengages himself.
TEPPIC
At least try to be stealthy. You don't know who's still here.
RIDCULLY
You and I both heard them announce the lunch break, so there shouldn't be anyone here - especially the guards.
TEPPIC
Yes... The Imperial guards all tend to lunch at the Arby's down the street.
RIDCULLY
So there's no problem.
TEPPIC
There's still Teatime.
RIDCULLY
Look, you said yourself that Teatime was always out to lunch--
TEPPIC
Crazy isn't the same thing as stupid. In many ways crazy is worse.
Chewie grins and nudges Ridcully with one hairy elbow, obviously implying personal experience in the difference between crazy and stupid. Ridcully glares at him.
TEPPIC
If you must make yourself useful, then cover my back while I look for Leonard.
With that, he vanishes into the shadows again. Ridcully shrugs and heads in pretty much the same direction they had been travelling.
INT - LEONARD'S CELL
Leonard da Quirm, still the benevolent genius we knew in Episode 4, doodles purposefully by the light of a burned-down candle. Presently he reaches over, grabs a fresh candle without looking, lights it from the stump, and blows out the old candle, prying the misshaped ingot of wax off the footstool and mushing it carefully onto the top of a stack of similar ingots. The stack is canting slightly but noticeably to one side, vaguely resembling the Tower of Pisa. He studies the crooked structure thoughtfully, not even noticing when the slot in the door is slid open.
TEPPIC
[whispering] Leonard da Quirm?
Leonard absently looks up.
LEONARD
Yes?
Teppic sighs in relief.
TEPPIC
Do not be alarmed. I have come to rescue you.
Leonard seems genuinely confused by the idea that he needs rescuing.
LEONARD
Rescue me? From whom?
TEPPIC
[speaking slowly and carefully] You have been taken prisoner by the Empire. Your inventions are being used for evil.
LEONARD
Oh, that can't be right... they've been very good to me here. Look at this lovely study they've given me. I've gotten so much work done.
Teppic realises that it is very difficult to rescue someone who doesn't think they need rescuing.
TEPPIC
Monsignor da Quirm--
MR. TEATIME [o.s.]
Hey arsehole.
INT - STAR DESTROYER - DUNGEON CORRIDOR
Teppic turns and finds himself looking at the business end of a stiletto dagger clutched in a thin, pale hand. Attached to the hand is a black-clad arm, leading up to the grinning face of Mr. Teatime. His smile is the smile of a man who really really enjoys his work - which is an alarming trait for an Assassin to possess. He only has one eye [pale blue, with a pinhole of a pupil]; the other one has been replaced by a milky white glass eye which appears to glow faintly in the gloom. He looks like a gothic Mad Hatter [complete with black silk top hat], but much, much worse. His smile, impossibly, increases a few notches with malevolent glee.
MR. TEATIME
I see by the amusingly vapid expression on your face that my reputation far precedes me.
TEPPIC
Mr. Teatime. Who hasn't heard of you?
Teatime's Mad Hatter smile slips a notch. His glass eye flares briefly.
MR. TEATIME
Apparently not enough people to know that it's "Teh-ah-tih-meh", not "Teatime".
TEPPIC
I should have expected that you'd be guarding Leonard. He's only the Empire's most valuable commodity.
MR. TEATIME
Yesss... and I'm not about to fail an assignment... even if it's no more than a babysitting job. I'm surprised at you, Teppic, not anticipating me. As you said, Leonard is a very valuable commodity.
Teppic smiles thinly.
TEPPIC
I said I should have expected you. I never said I didn't.
Teatime looks like he's caught Teppic in a bluff.
MR. TEATIME
Now, Teppic... I'm not as stupid as all that. If you were expecting to find me, then what possessed you to come alone? Assassins are not known for their suicidal tendencies.
TEPPIC
Of course they aren't.
Beat.
MR. TEATIME
Then I expect you'll be expecting to get your affairs in order before I kill you.
Teppic shrugs. Teatime is starting to get pissed off.
MR. TEATIME
Dammit, I'm trying to engage you in battle banter! The least you could do is say something back!
TEPPIC
Battle banter isn't really my style. You could try asking him though.
Teppic points. Teatime looks at him suspiciously, then half-turns.
RIDCULLY
Hey arsehole.
This is all Teatime manages to perceive of Ridcully before the older man decks him. Teatime hits the wall and falls to the floor. Ridcully steps calmly over him.
RIDCULLY
So, that was Teatime, huh?
Teppic is looking as though Ridcully's solution rather ruined the dramatic tension of the encounter.
TEPPIC
[sullen] Thanks.
Ridcully looks at him askance.
RIDCULLY
What? You expect a man of my age to go brawling with an Assassin?
Behind him, Teatime is regaining his feet, if a bit unsteadily..
RIDCULLY [contd]
After all, I'm slowing down in my old age - and you can't expect my reflexes to be what they used to.
Teatime shakes his head to clear it, then turns menacingly towards Ridcully. His smile is gone, and somehow that's even more frightening than its presence. Teppic has noticed him, and he's trying to call Ridcully's attention to the danger.
RIDCULLY [contd]
I mean, I know where you're coming from... you're still young and agile, and you think you're Superman. Is that why you went ahead alone, lad? To prove yourself?
Teatime has drawn a dagger [maybe even the same one he used to menace Teppic earlier] and is now raising it to stab Ridcully in the back. Teatime makes a gutteral noise in his throat, a restrained growl of impending homicide, which continues for perhaps two seconds before Ridcully, forewarned by the sound, spins abruptly and pops him in the mouth again, knocking him back off his feet. Teatime is not knocked out, but it's hard to get up when a 300-pound orangutan like Chewbacca jumps on your chest.
We hear Teatime's groan as the ape impacts, and sounds of continuing mayhem between man and primate from somewhere beyond Ridcully as he turns back to Teppic, still in lecture mode.
RIDCULLY
But of course all your youthful advantages mean exactly shit if you don't have the experience. Now... any questions?
Teppic offers Ridcully a black look.
TEPPIC
Just one - are we going to get Leonard out of that cell before or after your ape finishes with Teatime?
RIDCULLY
[as though addressing a child] Before, of course. Haven't you heard of the art of distraction?
Behind Ridcully, Teatime struggles to his feet and is about to grab Ridcully when a pair of leathery hands grabs the Assassin by the shoulders from behind and drags him down again. Further sounds of mayhem.
Teppic nods curtly and sets to picking the lock.
TEPPIC
[exasperated sigh] You know, you really have a way of making a minor character feel useless.
RIDCULLY
Oh, balderdash. Having you tag along has greatly increased our chances of a successful rescue.
TEPPIC
How do you figure?
RIDCULLY
I never quite got the knack of picking locks.
Teppic looks up at Ridcully from his crouch in front of the lock. His expression clearly says, "Gee, thanks."
*****
End Part 9.
*****
INT - STAR DESTROYER - DUNGEON CORRIDOR
It is eerily silent in the corridor currently occupied by Ridcully [with a rifle] and Chewbacca [with a crossbow], with Teppic presumably somewhere in the gloom.
RIDCULLY
I really hope you know what you're doing.
Teppic suddenly materialises from a shadow very close to Ridcully.
TEPPIC
I was about to ask you the same thing.
Ridcully nearly jumps out of his skin, or shoots Teppic, or both. He settles for grabbing the Assassin's shoulder.
RIDCULLY
Don't. Do that.
Teppic coolly disengages himself.
TEPPIC
At least try to be stealthy. You don't know who's still here.
RIDCULLY
You and I both heard them announce the lunch break, so there shouldn't be anyone here - especially the guards.
TEPPIC
Yes... The Imperial guards all tend to lunch at the Arby's down the street.
RIDCULLY
So there's no problem.
TEPPIC
There's still Teatime.
RIDCULLY
Look, you said yourself that Teatime was always out to lunch--
TEPPIC
Crazy isn't the same thing as stupid. In many ways crazy is worse.
Chewie grins and nudges Ridcully with one hairy elbow, obviously implying personal experience in the difference between crazy and stupid. Ridcully glares at him.
TEPPIC
If you must make yourself useful, then cover my back while I look for Leonard.
With that, he vanishes into the shadows again. Ridcully shrugs and heads in pretty much the same direction they had been travelling.
INT - LEONARD'S CELL
Leonard da Quirm, still the benevolent genius we knew in Episode 4, doodles purposefully by the light of a burned-down candle. Presently he reaches over, grabs a fresh candle without looking, lights it from the stump, and blows out the old candle, prying the misshaped ingot of wax off the footstool and mushing it carefully onto the top of a stack of similar ingots. The stack is canting slightly but noticeably to one side, vaguely resembling the Tower of Pisa. He studies the crooked structure thoughtfully, not even noticing when the slot in the door is slid open.
TEPPIC
[whispering] Leonard da Quirm?
Leonard absently looks up.
LEONARD
Yes?
Teppic sighs in relief.
TEPPIC
Do not be alarmed. I have come to rescue you.
Leonard seems genuinely confused by the idea that he needs rescuing.
LEONARD
Rescue me? From whom?
TEPPIC
[speaking slowly and carefully] You have been taken prisoner by the Empire. Your inventions are being used for evil.
LEONARD
Oh, that can't be right... they've been very good to me here. Look at this lovely study they've given me. I've gotten so much work done.
Teppic realises that it is very difficult to rescue someone who doesn't think they need rescuing.
TEPPIC
Monsignor da Quirm--
MR. TEATIME [o.s.]
Hey arsehole.
INT - STAR DESTROYER - DUNGEON CORRIDOR
Teppic turns and finds himself looking at the business end of a stiletto dagger clutched in a thin, pale hand. Attached to the hand is a black-clad arm, leading up to the grinning face of Mr. Teatime. His smile is the smile of a man who really really enjoys his work - which is an alarming trait for an Assassin to possess. He only has one eye [pale blue, with a pinhole of a pupil]; the other one has been replaced by a milky white glass eye which appears to glow faintly in the gloom. He looks like a gothic Mad Hatter [complete with black silk top hat], but much, much worse. His smile, impossibly, increases a few notches with malevolent glee.
MR. TEATIME
I see by the amusingly vapid expression on your face that my reputation far precedes me.
TEPPIC
Mr. Teatime. Who hasn't heard of you?
Teatime's Mad Hatter smile slips a notch. His glass eye flares briefly.
MR. TEATIME
Apparently not enough people to know that it's "Teh-ah-tih-meh", not "Teatime".
TEPPIC
I should have expected that you'd be guarding Leonard. He's only the Empire's most valuable commodity.
MR. TEATIME
Yesss... and I'm not about to fail an assignment... even if it's no more than a babysitting job. I'm surprised at you, Teppic, not anticipating me. As you said, Leonard is a very valuable commodity.
Teppic smiles thinly.
TEPPIC
I said I should have expected you. I never said I didn't.
Teatime looks like he's caught Teppic in a bluff.
MR. TEATIME
Now, Teppic... I'm not as stupid as all that. If you were expecting to find me, then what possessed you to come alone? Assassins are not known for their suicidal tendencies.
TEPPIC
Of course they aren't.
Beat.
MR. TEATIME
Then I expect you'll be expecting to get your affairs in order before I kill you.
Teppic shrugs. Teatime is starting to get pissed off.
MR. TEATIME
Dammit, I'm trying to engage you in battle banter! The least you could do is say something back!
TEPPIC
Battle banter isn't really my style. You could try asking him though.
Teppic points. Teatime looks at him suspiciously, then half-turns.
RIDCULLY
Hey arsehole.
This is all Teatime manages to perceive of Ridcully before the older man decks him. Teatime hits the wall and falls to the floor. Ridcully steps calmly over him.
RIDCULLY
So, that was Teatime, huh?
Teppic is looking as though Ridcully's solution rather ruined the dramatic tension of the encounter.
TEPPIC
[sullen] Thanks.
Ridcully looks at him askance.
RIDCULLY
What? You expect a man of my age to go brawling with an Assassin?
Behind him, Teatime is regaining his feet, if a bit unsteadily..
RIDCULLY [contd]
After all, I'm slowing down in my old age - and you can't expect my reflexes to be what they used to.
Teatime shakes his head to clear it, then turns menacingly towards Ridcully. His smile is gone, and somehow that's even more frightening than its presence. Teppic has noticed him, and he's trying to call Ridcully's attention to the danger.
RIDCULLY [contd]
I mean, I know where you're coming from... you're still young and agile, and you think you're Superman. Is that why you went ahead alone, lad? To prove yourself?
Teatime has drawn a dagger [maybe even the same one he used to menace Teppic earlier] and is now raising it to stab Ridcully in the back. Teatime makes a gutteral noise in his throat, a restrained growl of impending homicide, which continues for perhaps two seconds before Ridcully, forewarned by the sound, spins abruptly and pops him in the mouth again, knocking him back off his feet. Teatime is not knocked out, but it's hard to get up when a 300-pound orangutan like Chewbacca jumps on your chest.
We hear Teatime's groan as the ape impacts, and sounds of continuing mayhem between man and primate from somewhere beyond Ridcully as he turns back to Teppic, still in lecture mode.
RIDCULLY
But of course all your youthful advantages mean exactly shit if you don't have the experience. Now... any questions?
Teppic offers Ridcully a black look.
TEPPIC
Just one - are we going to get Leonard out of that cell before or after your ape finishes with Teatime?
RIDCULLY
[as though addressing a child] Before, of course. Haven't you heard of the art of distraction?
Behind Ridcully, Teatime struggles to his feet and is about to grab Ridcully when a pair of leathery hands grabs the Assassin by the shoulders from behind and drags him down again. Further sounds of mayhem.
Teppic nods curtly and sets to picking the lock.
TEPPIC
[exasperated sigh] You know, you really have a way of making a minor character feel useless.
RIDCULLY
Oh, balderdash. Having you tag along has greatly increased our chances of a successful rescue.
TEPPIC
How do you figure?
RIDCULLY
I never quite got the knack of picking locks.
Teppic looks up at Ridcully from his crouch in front of the lock. His expression clearly says, "Gee, thanks."
*****
End Part 9.