Disclaimers: See Part 1.
*****
EXT - LANCRE - GRANNY WEATHERWAX'S COTTAGE
Carrot lays curled on the ground in the shelter of the X-Wing, barechested but wrapped in a bedroll, cushioning his head on his arm. His face twitches in odd grimaces at a dream he's having. His eyes snap open as a gale suddenly assaults the patch of bog. He sits up, looking around until he sees...
THE DRAGON
backwinging as it comes in for a landing maybe a dozen yards away. He backpedals instinctively away, only managing to back himself up against the front landing strut of the X-Wing and kick off the bedroll [he's wearing pants]. His breathing is shallow with the instinctive fear that every organism has for such a large predator.
The Dragon swivels its head around on its long neck to regard Carrot, tilting its head this way and that as though it finds the young Jedi familiar.
Carrot is frozen in place, unable to flee. Then something brushes against his shoulder - the black skirt of Granny's dress, complete with his mentor in it. She regards the Dragon with an air of unconcern, her bony arms folded in front of her.
CARROT
G-Granny...?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
[almost surprised] Oh, you're here, too? Hm.
CARROT
But... the dragon... can't you do anything about it?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
No... the dragon is yours to face.
[she smiles at him kindly]
But not just yet, and not here.
CARROT
But--
The Dragon takes to the air, kicking up another small tornado with its huge leathery wings.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
It's going to Quirm, and it'll get there very soon. If you want to have any chance of defeating the Empire and saving your friends, I suggest you go there as soon as you wake up.
CARROT
But... I'm awake now. Aren't I?
The Dragon roars, and as he turns back to look, it breathes a gout of flame at them and--
END DREAM SEQUENCE
--Carrot wakes with a small scream. He sits up, drenched in sweat despite the natural clamminess of the bog, and looks around for any sign of the Dragon, raking a few errand strands of hair back from his face. Artoo beeps an inquiry at him.
ARTOO
[subtitle: Dude?]
CARROT
I'm okay, Artoo. It's just...
A sudden wind sighs through the campsite, eerily reminiscent of the wind of the Dragon's wings in Carrot's dream. No Dragon this time, though. Carrot sets his jaw in determination, then scrambles out of the bedroll and starts packing the ship, shoving what few supplies he has out back into the hold of the ship in a haphazard fashion..
CARROT
We have to go.
ARTOO
[subtitle: But--]
Carrot pulls on his shirt.
CARROT
Now.
ARTOO
[Subtitle: But--]
Carrot shoves the bedroll [the last of his gear] into the luggage compartment of the ship and slams the hatch.
CARROT
I'm not going to argue with you. Just get in the ship.
ARTOO
[Subtitle: Aw man... just when I was starting to settle in, Johnny Smith decides to go and have a premonition.]
As Artoo activates the astrodroid lift in the X-Wing, Carrot hurries over to Granny's cottage and reaches for the door. Granny, despite the late [or early] hour, opens it from within before he quite makes it. Her hair is loose for the first time in the trilogy, falling in dull iron-gray waves to her waist without even pretending to be fetching or enchanting about it, any more than Yoda could be considered handsome by anyone younger than 800.
CARROT
[surprised] Granny--
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
I know. You have to go.
CARROT
I didn't think it was right to just leave... you know, without saying goodbye. And thanks.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
It's comforting to know that now the Jedi have a fighting chance. And the Rebellion. [smiles thinly] Kick arse, my padawan... [sober again] But kick wisely. Make sure that you are kicking the arse of your enemy, and not a friend.
CARROT
[obediently] I will, Granny.
He briefly enfolds her fragile form in a gentle hug, the sort usually given out by big guys who still haven't quite gotten the measure of their physical strength and are afraid of breaking something. Both Jedi can sense that this is not "until we meet again" but "farewell".
Finally Carrot steps back, takes one last look at Granny, salutes her, and finally turns and jogs back to the X-Wing. As Granny watches the vessel take off, it is clear that, despite herself, she will miss him. She waves a bony hand as the X-wing vanishes into the distance. After a beat, she looks annoyed, wiping her eyes.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
[scolding herself; sotto voce] Bloody hell, Esme... this is no time to get all soppy.
And she turns and heads back inside, slamming the door so hard that all the birds are startled out of the trees.
INT - STAR DESTROYER
Darth Vetinari walks purposefully along a corridor, his visor down. An officer hustles up to him, jogging to keep pace.
OFFICER
Sir?
DARTH VETINARI [through visor]
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
OFFICER
[timidly] I was... just seeing how the fight went.
Vetinari stops abruptly in front of a door at the intersection of a T-junction [blocking for now the little sign that shows whose office it is] and turns to face the hapless officer, breathing menacingly at him.
DARTH VETINARI [through visor]
IT WAS A DUEL. A TRIFLE. IT IS OF NO CONSEQUENCE TO THE BIGGER PICTURE AND DOES NOT MERIT FURTHER DISCUSSION, IS THAT CLEAR?
There is a dangerous edge to Vetinari's voice that indicates the few benefits and infinite penalties for inquiring further on the result. After a few moments to digest all the possibilities, the officer salutes.
OFFICER
Crystal, sir.
The officer hurries down the far branch of the T towards the extreme background.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
And... cut!
Vetinari shoves up his visor, revealing a black eye, a cut on his cheek, and a swollen lip. He looks tired. Apparently oblivious that the camera is still running, he presses the door chime and steps back, revealing that he is hailing the Imperial "Advisor".
She opens the door and takes in his condition with the sort of sympathy that he would be damned if he sought anywhere else.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
You poor thing... what happened?
DARTH VETINARI
[wiped out] I need a hug.
She guides him into the office and shuts the door.
In the extreme background, the Officer has nearly reached the end of the corridor when a familiar red phone booth drops out of the fabric of time and space in front of him. The door folds back, and the guy with the scarf steps out, has a brief conversation with the officer [we do not hear what they are saying, but the Officer appears to give him directions to another part of the ship], then heads back into the phone booth, which vanishes again.
EXT - QUIRMISH HARBOUR
The Nameless surfaces with all the fanfare of a manta ray, its low profile barely breaking the surface of the water. The hatch flips up, and Chidder [freshly festooned in fashionable Assassin black, but managing the chromatic opposite of Casanunda's foppish costume] emerges from within and stretches languidly in a great show of casual relaxation. At the same time, he looks around sharply for any bystanders.
VIMES [within]
Anyone about?
CHIDDER
Have patience, my dear Vimes... subtlety is a virtue.
VIMES [within]
So's a straight answer.
Chidder sighs dramatically and looks around more openly, scanning the horizon until he sees two young men, one with uniformly chin-length hair obscuring his face like a Cousin Itt impersonator [TEZZ] and the other with purple spikes on his scalp like the comb of a schizophrenic rooster [SKAZZ]. They appear unarmed.
CHIDDER
A coupla wizards, if I'm any guess. They don't look hostile or anything.
Vimes pokes his head out of the hatch, peering between Chidder's feet.
VIMES
Not hostile, my arse... Stibbons isn't supposed to know we're coming.
PONDER THREEPIO [within]
With respect, sir, I imagine he's expanded the capabilities of the Ivory Tower since my manufacture.
Vimes glances down at the droid.
VIMES
So you think he's decided to prepare for our arrival?
PONDER THREEPIO
Undoubtedly. And if he knows that we're coming, he probably knows why as well.
Vimes sighs.
VIMES
[slight sarcasm] Well hell, he probably even predicted the rise of the damned Empire.
PONDER THREEPIO
[no sarcasm] Not predicted, exactly. He deduced it and anticipated it. That's why he's here, sir.
VIMES
What - you think Stibbons is a minor god or s-- wait, that's right, I'm asking entirely the wrong person about his divinity. Never mind. [to Chidder] Go and see what the hell they want.
CHIDDER
Righto.
He hops lightly from the Nameless onto the dock and strolls towards the two wizards.
SKAZZ
[aside to Tezz] Say, Tezz, you think that's who we're supposed to meet?
TEZZ
I dunno, Skazz... we're supposed to look for a stealth ship, right?
SKAZZ
How we supposed to look for a stealth ship? I mean, that's the point, right?
CHIDDER
Ho there, gentlemen! I was wondering if you were the esteemed contacts sent to intercept us in our journey!
After a beat, Skazz and Tezz exchange a glance.
SKAZZ/ TEZZ [unison]
Tourist.
SKAZZ
[calling to Chidder] If yer Imperial, yer cordially invited to take yer sorry arse t'hell.
CHIDDER
No worries. We've got I.D. [over his shoulder] Hey Vimes! I think they're cool with us.
Vimes climbs from the Nameless and approaches the welcoming party. He is back in his usual clothing [terminally rumpled, as usual].
Skazz and Tezz salute at him.
SKAZZ
Cap'n.
TEZZ
Cap'n.
VIMES
Who the hell are you?
SKAZZ
Skazz and Tezz, Scholars of the Ivory Tower, sir.
VIMES
[sotto] Gods, Quirm has really gone to hell... [aloud] Okay, you're here. Now what? You want to join the Rebellion or something?
TEZZ
Better than that - we brought rides.
Skazz gestures, and a heretofore unnoticed cloaking spell evaporates, revealing the sleek Puzuma bikes. There are, as promised, around a half-dozen of them, and they look bloody fast, like the animal whose design the shell obviously copies: some sort of sleek feline with its limbs outstretched like a flying superhero. The bikes hover about a foot off the ground.
Vimes eyes the bikes suspiciously, then seems to mentally shrug before turning and whistling a signal back to the Nameless. As the rest of Our Intrepid Heroes disembark [specifically exeunt Angua, Lady Sybil, Threepio, Nobby, Colon, and Rincewind with Ferdy riding on his shoulder]:
VIMES
So, these'll get us through the Quirmish forest?
He indicates the sylvan expanse that lays, presumably, between the Rebels and the Quirmish capitol.
TEZZ
Oh, undoubtedly. They're like riding a bike, really. [off Vimes' skeptical look] A high-tech bike. A really fast high-tech bike. One with an internal gyroscope so it doesn't tip over.
VIMES
How fast?
SKAZZ
So fast that when Tezz rides you can actually see his face.
Vimes looks at Tezz's curtain of hair, featureless but for the tip of the young man's nose just poking through. Oddly, it seems to beam at him. Vimes sighs, certain he's going to regret this but not seeing any alternatives.
LADY SYBIL
[just arriving beside him] Isn't this exciting? Those clever artisans in Quirm have made a vehicle that looks like the Ambiguous Puzuma!
VIMES
That's what concerns me. [to Skazz] You two will have to lead the pack on one of these things.
Skazz appears momentarily dismayed by this request.
SKAZZ
[overly polite] Oh, we really couldn't - I mean, we brought these bikes for our esteemed Rebel guests - we wouldn't dream of--
VIMES
[brow darkening] That wasn't a request.
We see now that Skazz really doesn't feel secure at the prospect of actually riding one of the Puzumas; he looks a bit paler than usual now.
SKAZZ
I was afraid that'd be the case.
VIMES
Well, I wouldn't *dream* of depriving our guides of their ride home.
SKAZZ
Um, yessir.
*****
End Part 10.
*****
EXT - LANCRE - GRANNY WEATHERWAX'S COTTAGE
Carrot lays curled on the ground in the shelter of the X-Wing, barechested but wrapped in a bedroll, cushioning his head on his arm. His face twitches in odd grimaces at a dream he's having. His eyes snap open as a gale suddenly assaults the patch of bog. He sits up, looking around until he sees...
THE DRAGON
backwinging as it comes in for a landing maybe a dozen yards away. He backpedals instinctively away, only managing to back himself up against the front landing strut of the X-Wing and kick off the bedroll [he's wearing pants]. His breathing is shallow with the instinctive fear that every organism has for such a large predator.
The Dragon swivels its head around on its long neck to regard Carrot, tilting its head this way and that as though it finds the young Jedi familiar.
Carrot is frozen in place, unable to flee. Then something brushes against his shoulder - the black skirt of Granny's dress, complete with his mentor in it. She regards the Dragon with an air of unconcern, her bony arms folded in front of her.
CARROT
G-Granny...?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
[almost surprised] Oh, you're here, too? Hm.
CARROT
But... the dragon... can't you do anything about it?
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
No... the dragon is yours to face.
[she smiles at him kindly]
But not just yet, and not here.
CARROT
But--
The Dragon takes to the air, kicking up another small tornado with its huge leathery wings.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
It's going to Quirm, and it'll get there very soon. If you want to have any chance of defeating the Empire and saving your friends, I suggest you go there as soon as you wake up.
CARROT
But... I'm awake now. Aren't I?
The Dragon roars, and as he turns back to look, it breathes a gout of flame at them and--
END DREAM SEQUENCE
--Carrot wakes with a small scream. He sits up, drenched in sweat despite the natural clamminess of the bog, and looks around for any sign of the Dragon, raking a few errand strands of hair back from his face. Artoo beeps an inquiry at him.
ARTOO
[subtitle: Dude?]
CARROT
I'm okay, Artoo. It's just...
A sudden wind sighs through the campsite, eerily reminiscent of the wind of the Dragon's wings in Carrot's dream. No Dragon this time, though. Carrot sets his jaw in determination, then scrambles out of the bedroll and starts packing the ship, shoving what few supplies he has out back into the hold of the ship in a haphazard fashion..
CARROT
We have to go.
ARTOO
[subtitle: But--]
Carrot pulls on his shirt.
CARROT
Now.
ARTOO
[Subtitle: But--]
Carrot shoves the bedroll [the last of his gear] into the luggage compartment of the ship and slams the hatch.
CARROT
I'm not going to argue with you. Just get in the ship.
ARTOO
[Subtitle: Aw man... just when I was starting to settle in, Johnny Smith decides to go and have a premonition.]
As Artoo activates the astrodroid lift in the X-Wing, Carrot hurries over to Granny's cottage and reaches for the door. Granny, despite the late [or early] hour, opens it from within before he quite makes it. Her hair is loose for the first time in the trilogy, falling in dull iron-gray waves to her waist without even pretending to be fetching or enchanting about it, any more than Yoda could be considered handsome by anyone younger than 800.
CARROT
[surprised] Granny--
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
I know. You have to go.
CARROT
I didn't think it was right to just leave... you know, without saying goodbye. And thanks.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
It's comforting to know that now the Jedi have a fighting chance. And the Rebellion. [smiles thinly] Kick arse, my padawan... [sober again] But kick wisely. Make sure that you are kicking the arse of your enemy, and not a friend.
CARROT
[obediently] I will, Granny.
He briefly enfolds her fragile form in a gentle hug, the sort usually given out by big guys who still haven't quite gotten the measure of their physical strength and are afraid of breaking something. Both Jedi can sense that this is not "until we meet again" but "farewell".
Finally Carrot steps back, takes one last look at Granny, salutes her, and finally turns and jogs back to the X-Wing. As Granny watches the vessel take off, it is clear that, despite herself, she will miss him. She waves a bony hand as the X-wing vanishes into the distance. After a beat, she looks annoyed, wiping her eyes.
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
[scolding herself; sotto voce] Bloody hell, Esme... this is no time to get all soppy.
And she turns and heads back inside, slamming the door so hard that all the birds are startled out of the trees.
INT - STAR DESTROYER
Darth Vetinari walks purposefully along a corridor, his visor down. An officer hustles up to him, jogging to keep pace.
OFFICER
Sir?
DARTH VETINARI [through visor]
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
OFFICER
[timidly] I was... just seeing how the fight went.
Vetinari stops abruptly in front of a door at the intersection of a T-junction [blocking for now the little sign that shows whose office it is] and turns to face the hapless officer, breathing menacingly at him.
DARTH VETINARI [through visor]
IT WAS A DUEL. A TRIFLE. IT IS OF NO CONSEQUENCE TO THE BIGGER PICTURE AND DOES NOT MERIT FURTHER DISCUSSION, IS THAT CLEAR?
There is a dangerous edge to Vetinari's voice that indicates the few benefits and infinite penalties for inquiring further on the result. After a few moments to digest all the possibilities, the officer salutes.
OFFICER
Crystal, sir.
The officer hurries down the far branch of the T towards the extreme background.
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
And... cut!
Vetinari shoves up his visor, revealing a black eye, a cut on his cheek, and a swollen lip. He looks tired. Apparently oblivious that the camera is still running, he presses the door chime and steps back, revealing that he is hailing the Imperial "Advisor".
She opens the door and takes in his condition with the sort of sympathy that he would be damned if he sought anywhere else.
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE
You poor thing... what happened?
DARTH VETINARI
[wiped out] I need a hug.
She guides him into the office and shuts the door.
In the extreme background, the Officer has nearly reached the end of the corridor when a familiar red phone booth drops out of the fabric of time and space in front of him. The door folds back, and the guy with the scarf steps out, has a brief conversation with the officer [we do not hear what they are saying, but the Officer appears to give him directions to another part of the ship], then heads back into the phone booth, which vanishes again.
EXT - QUIRMISH HARBOUR
The Nameless surfaces with all the fanfare of a manta ray, its low profile barely breaking the surface of the water. The hatch flips up, and Chidder [freshly festooned in fashionable Assassin black, but managing the chromatic opposite of Casanunda's foppish costume] emerges from within and stretches languidly in a great show of casual relaxation. At the same time, he looks around sharply for any bystanders.
VIMES [within]
Anyone about?
CHIDDER
Have patience, my dear Vimes... subtlety is a virtue.
VIMES [within]
So's a straight answer.
Chidder sighs dramatically and looks around more openly, scanning the horizon until he sees two young men, one with uniformly chin-length hair obscuring his face like a Cousin Itt impersonator [TEZZ] and the other with purple spikes on his scalp like the comb of a schizophrenic rooster [SKAZZ]. They appear unarmed.
CHIDDER
A coupla wizards, if I'm any guess. They don't look hostile or anything.
Vimes pokes his head out of the hatch, peering between Chidder's feet.
VIMES
Not hostile, my arse... Stibbons isn't supposed to know we're coming.
PONDER THREEPIO [within]
With respect, sir, I imagine he's expanded the capabilities of the Ivory Tower since my manufacture.
Vimes glances down at the droid.
VIMES
So you think he's decided to prepare for our arrival?
PONDER THREEPIO
Undoubtedly. And if he knows that we're coming, he probably knows why as well.
Vimes sighs.
VIMES
[slight sarcasm] Well hell, he probably even predicted the rise of the damned Empire.
PONDER THREEPIO
[no sarcasm] Not predicted, exactly. He deduced it and anticipated it. That's why he's here, sir.
VIMES
What - you think Stibbons is a minor god or s-- wait, that's right, I'm asking entirely the wrong person about his divinity. Never mind. [to Chidder] Go and see what the hell they want.
CHIDDER
Righto.
He hops lightly from the Nameless onto the dock and strolls towards the two wizards.
SKAZZ
[aside to Tezz] Say, Tezz, you think that's who we're supposed to meet?
TEZZ
I dunno, Skazz... we're supposed to look for a stealth ship, right?
SKAZZ
How we supposed to look for a stealth ship? I mean, that's the point, right?
CHIDDER
Ho there, gentlemen! I was wondering if you were the esteemed contacts sent to intercept us in our journey!
After a beat, Skazz and Tezz exchange a glance.
SKAZZ/ TEZZ [unison]
Tourist.
SKAZZ
[calling to Chidder] If yer Imperial, yer cordially invited to take yer sorry arse t'hell.
CHIDDER
No worries. We've got I.D. [over his shoulder] Hey Vimes! I think they're cool with us.
Vimes climbs from the Nameless and approaches the welcoming party. He is back in his usual clothing [terminally rumpled, as usual].
Skazz and Tezz salute at him.
SKAZZ
Cap'n.
TEZZ
Cap'n.
VIMES
Who the hell are you?
SKAZZ
Skazz and Tezz, Scholars of the Ivory Tower, sir.
VIMES
[sotto] Gods, Quirm has really gone to hell... [aloud] Okay, you're here. Now what? You want to join the Rebellion or something?
TEZZ
Better than that - we brought rides.
Skazz gestures, and a heretofore unnoticed cloaking spell evaporates, revealing the sleek Puzuma bikes. There are, as promised, around a half-dozen of them, and they look bloody fast, like the animal whose design the shell obviously copies: some sort of sleek feline with its limbs outstretched like a flying superhero. The bikes hover about a foot off the ground.
Vimes eyes the bikes suspiciously, then seems to mentally shrug before turning and whistling a signal back to the Nameless. As the rest of Our Intrepid Heroes disembark [specifically exeunt Angua, Lady Sybil, Threepio, Nobby, Colon, and Rincewind with Ferdy riding on his shoulder]:
VIMES
So, these'll get us through the Quirmish forest?
He indicates the sylvan expanse that lays, presumably, between the Rebels and the Quirmish capitol.
TEZZ
Oh, undoubtedly. They're like riding a bike, really. [off Vimes' skeptical look] A high-tech bike. A really fast high-tech bike. One with an internal gyroscope so it doesn't tip over.
VIMES
How fast?
SKAZZ
So fast that when Tezz rides you can actually see his face.
Vimes looks at Tezz's curtain of hair, featureless but for the tip of the young man's nose just poking through. Oddly, it seems to beam at him. Vimes sighs, certain he's going to regret this but not seeing any alternatives.
LADY SYBIL
[just arriving beside him] Isn't this exciting? Those clever artisans in Quirm have made a vehicle that looks like the Ambiguous Puzuma!
VIMES
That's what concerns me. [to Skazz] You two will have to lead the pack on one of these things.
Skazz appears momentarily dismayed by this request.
SKAZZ
[overly polite] Oh, we really couldn't - I mean, we brought these bikes for our esteemed Rebel guests - we wouldn't dream of--
VIMES
[brow darkening] That wasn't a request.
We see now that Skazz really doesn't feel secure at the prospect of actually riding one of the Puzumas; he looks a bit paler than usual now.
SKAZZ
I was afraid that'd be the case.
VIMES
Well, I wouldn't *dream* of depriving our guides of their ride home.
SKAZZ
Um, yessir.
*****
End Part 10.