Disclaimer: See Part 1.

Author's Notes: Okay, Mobius, you asked for a bit of clarification on the last chapter, so here it is: Skazz and Tezz are in fact part of the standard Disc canon. I think they first show up in Soul Music [although anyone who knows any different can feel free to correct me]. One of them [I thought Tezz] has the long hair, and I don't think the other one is described at all. The purple bunny that the Walker pilot gets turned into was just a random morphic spell [though one can assume that Tezz was trying to turn the pilot into something harmless that, most importantly, did not want to kill them. As for the chapter title, that's a reference to a Looney Tunes cartoon in which Daffy cautions the audience, "Kids, don't try this at home. These are trained professional idiots." Or something like that. Hope that clears everything up!

*****

EXT - ABOVE QUIRMISH FOREST

Carrot has re-located the Dragon and is now following it on its apparent warpath towards Quirm. He hears the roar of another engine, and looks up to see, to his horror, the Millennium Falcon approaching their flight path. He snatches up the radio.

CARROT
Ridcully! Keep back!

RIDCULLY [through radio]
Looks like you're tailgating a dragon there, lad... I guess you're planning to pass it *before* it destroys Quirm?

CARROT
I've got a plan!

RIDCULLY
What - to observe the thing's natural behaviour or something? Not on my watch!

CARROT
Did you get Leonard?

RIDCULLY
Damn straight we did. [derisive] I find it amazing that *he's* the greatest mind on the Disc.

CARROT
[genuine] Yeah, pretty cool, huh? Just get him to a safe place in Quirm - I'm going to find out what the dragon wants.

RIDCULLY
Well, that's easy enough for you to say, Dr. Doolit-- BLOODY HELL!

The Falcon has crossed in front of the Dragon, who spits a gout of flame at the ship. The flames lick off the left side of the Falcon, causing it to falter and lose altitude, veering away to the right in an attempt to avoid the dragonfire.

CARROT
[echo] NO!! [/echo]

The Dragon stops flaming and swivels its head around on its long neck to look at the relatively tiny X-Wing. It makes an inquisitive noise at Carrot.

CARROT
[echo] Please... no more killing. I want to help you.[/echo]

The Dragon tilts its head in curiosity. Then suddenly pivots on one wing and maneuvers around behind the X-Wing. Carrot guns the engine just as the Dragon opens its mouth to bite, so that it gets a mouthful of exhaust vapours. It coughs, sneezes, and follows him.

EXT - QUIRMISH FOREST

The Falcon careens low through the forest, doing enough damage to the upper canopy to give the Sierra club a stroke as it struggles to regain altitude.

INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON

Chewbacca, securely buckled in, holds the copilot controls with his hindpaws while his hands cover his eyes. Ridcully, meanwhile, has the sort of fearless attitude that comes from a lifetime of telling the world to go bugger itself as he glares at the viewscreen. He thumbs the intercom.

RIDCULLY
This is your captain speaking. All right, people, we're coming in hard and fast and rough and you know this ain't the Seamstresses' Guild so I suggest you buckle yourself the hell in. Teppic, make sure Wonder Boy is strapped in - I didn't earn the undying wrath of a sociopath while rescuing Leonard just so he can get killed in the landing.

TEPPIC [intercom]
*Are* we landing?

RIDCULLY
[beat] After a fashion. We'll be experiencing some... slight turbulence.

He turns off the intercom.

Chewbacca howls.

RIDCULLY
I *know* I've never tried to land in a forest before, but neither have you, so just pipe down! [to the ship] All right, girl, we've been through a lot together... just help me out, okay? I just need... a little... ALTITUDE!
[He yanks back on the controls. One of the systems fails]
*Altitude*, damn you, not *attitude*!

The ship jolts off a particularly stout tree as Ridcully kicks at the offending part of the control deck. It coughs, stutters, and whines back to life [for now].

In the viewscreen, we can distantly [though not for long] see the Imperial Walker and the Puzuma bikes.

RIDCULLY
Oh hell... BRACE FOR IMPACT!

EXT - QUIRMISH FOREST

Those on the bikes dive for cover as the Falcon crashes past, the nose taking the top half of the Imperial Walker with it, leaving the legs still standing there for a few breaths before they realise they're dead and fall over properly. To its credit, the Falcon was starting to regain altitude at the time.

VIMES
Was that the Falcon?

LADY SYBIL
Looks like it - and look there!

Vimes follows her pointing hand and sees--

VIMES
The dragon! Everyone mount up! Get to Quirm immediately!

LADY SYBIL
I was pointing at the X-Wing just ahead of it, dear.

At this revelation, everyone pauses in their mad scramble to the bikes in order to look.

VIMES
Damn fool kid.

PRINCESS ANGUA
It looks like he's leading it somewhere.

RINCEWIND
You see? That's why I've never like the idea of destiny.

PRINCESS ANGUA
Why's that?

RINCEWIND
Destiny can make you do some pretty dumb things.

PRINCESS ANGUA
Ever consider that he might have a plan?

RINCEWIND
That's what worries me.

They mount up on Rincewind's Puzuma bike. The others are already starting away.

PRINCESS ANGUA
*Everything* worries you.

RINCEWIND
[sullen] Kept me alive so far.

They peel out towards Quirm.

EST - QUIRM

This is the first time we've seen the external architecture of Quirm, which reminds one of Renaissance Italy. The primary landmark on the skyline, standing proudly at the far edge of a beautifully designed town square with its flagstones arranged in a perfect fractal pattern centred on an ornamental fountain, is an elegant tower of white marble. This is [duh] the Ivory Tower. Quirm is, on the whole, a good example of the sort of architectural excellence that it would be a pity if anything happened to it.

The intellectual serenity of the city is abruptly broken by the Millennium Falcon limping in from the top of the frame. Its left flank is charred and smoking, the outer shell is dented and festooned with greenery and broken branches, and the whole mess is losing altitude again. Presently the shorn off half of the Imperial Walker drops out of the forked nose of the Falcon, into the near entryway of the town square. It looks like a dead dinosaur.

The Falcon soon follows it Discward, skipping across the perfectly interlocking flagstones of the town square. The ship ricochets off the ornamental fountain, taking most of the fountain with it, and pinwheels like a battlemech turned breakdancer until it finally scrapes to a halt, its rear bumper inches from the front facade of the Ivory Tower. There is a stunned silence for maybe ten seconds before the emergency parachute abruptly pops out of the rear of the ship and covers the ground floor of the tower in a silk canopy and parachute lines.

The top emergency hatch of the Falcon opens partway, jams, and is pounded on from within until it unsticks. As Ridcully climbs out to survey the damage to the Falcon, a first-storey [second floor] window in the tower opens up, and Ponder pokes his head out to see what the hell just happened. Ridcully spots him and waves his arms.

RIDCULLY
[shouting] We're okay! Everybody's okay!

Ponder is not looking at Ridcully. Instead, he's looking at the giant skidmark of destruction left by the crashing ship. He looks a bit paler than average in the moments before he turns crimson.

PONDER STIBBONS
[shrieking] DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CALCULATIONS THAT MOSAIC REQUIRED?!

Ridcully glances back at the destroyed design, then at the livid wizard. He looks almost apologetic.

RIDCULLY
Um... a lot?

Before Ponder can respond, the fleet of Puzuma bikes arrive.

After having to detour around the wrecked Walker torso, the Rebels converge on the Falcon as Ridcully jumps down from its roof. Vimes confronts Ridcully.

VIMES
Well?!

RIDCULLY
I rescued a Quirmish inventor from a knife-wielding psycho and got forced out of the sky by a dragon with an attitude problem. What did *you* do all day?

VIMES
I barreled through a dense forest at 600 miles per hour astride a particle accelerator and tap-danced with some Imperial battlemechs.

There is a beat.

RIDCULLY
[grins] All right, kid, you win that one.

VIMES
Damn straight.

Vimes glances up as Teppic helps Leonard out of the emergency hatch

VIMES
Glad to see your mission went well. Now--

And finally, lest you forget about the 300-foot dragon and the young Jedi hero, Carrot's X-Wing suddenly flies into view, flying *backwards* just ahead of the huge dragon. The dragon keeps its attention squarely on the X-Wing, as though the tiny vessel has suddenly become vastly more interesting than it previously was.

PRINCESS ANGUA
[reflexively grabbing Rincewind] Carrot!

RINCEWIND
Oof.

VIMES
Easy there, Princess... we don't want to make any sudden movements.

Leonard has stopped cold on the roof of the Falcon and is watching the whole spectacle with great artistic fascination.

TEPPIC
Come on, Monsignor da Quirm, it isn't safe here...

LEONARD
Look at that form... it's like the Draco nobilis is somehow both mammal and reptile at once...

TEPPIC
Monsignor da Quirm--

LEONARD
And just imagine the aerodynamics involved in enabling such a creature to fly...

TEPPIC
LEONARD!

Leonard starts and looks at Teppic.

LEONARD
Well, there's no need to shout. I'm coming along directly.

He finally allows himself to be helped down.

INT - X-WING

Carrot's face is a mask of concentration. His brow glistens with sweat as he focuses on the Dragon, one hand outstretched toward it as far as the cramped cabin will allow.

CARROT
[echo] Follow me. Be calm. [/echo]

He takes the X-wing down, and the Dragon likewise eases towards the square, not taking its eye off Carrot. Its hind claws touch down, and it folds its wings like big leathery umbrellas at its flanks. It makes that eerie howling noise as it settles down onto all fours, following the X-Wing as the vessel lands.

Carrot opens the hatch and climbs out carefully, making sure to maintain eye contact with a creature that could easily smash him with an absent flick of its tail. He takes off his helmet, sets it in the seat of the fighter, and hops down off the wing as the Dragon lowers its chin to the flagstones, watching him.

The other Rebels watch tensely, ready to take cover if need be.

Angua starts to head for him, but Vimes grabs her unceremoniously around the waist and shoulders in a bear hug. As she struggles, Vimes leans close to her ear.

VIMES
[businesslike] We can't do anything that won't make it worse, Princess. We can only hope that Carrot knows what he's doing, all right? Just calm down.

She stomps on his instep and breaks free. As she heads for Carrot again:

RINCEWIND
Your Highness?

She whirls on him.

PRINCESS ANGUA
What!

RINCEWIND
[echo] Sleep. [/echo]

The command is accompanied by the most tentative of gestures, but she swoons. Vimes dives to catch her as her legs fold up.

VIMES
Nicely done.

RINCEWIND
[hopeful] I think I'm getting the hang of this. [worried] Erm. Apologise to her for me when she wakes up.

Carrot has nearly reached the prone dragon, quite aware of the potential danger of this arrangement and moving with care accordingly. He pauses a few yards away [just out of biting range] to gather his courage before closing the remaining distance and, with the caution of someone trying to pet a rearing cobra, rests his hands on the huge muzzle and closes his eyes.

VIMES
The hell does he think he's doing?

RINCEWIND
[guessing]Talking to it?

VIMES
*Talking* to it? Why--?

LADY SYBIL
Well, I for one am glad that he's trying a solution beyond just killing it. It probably has a perfectly good reason for doing what it's been doing. Dragons don't just start destroying cities for no reason.

VIMES
Sure seems to me like that's what it's been doing.

LADY SYBIL
Oh, hush. Something's happening.

NOBBY
Sir?

VIMES
What is it?

NOBBY
If he gets crisped or eaten or something, can I have his X-Wing?

Vimes slowly turns to fix Nobby with a dark look, at which Nobby hesitates.

NOBBY
Just planning for the future, sir. You always told me to plan ahead.

Meanwhile, Carrot is oblivious to all of this. It is clear that something is happening on his end - a lot of something. We catch flashes and blips of what he is seeing:

CARROT'S VISION

A huge nest built overhanging the Rim, containing two massive eggs like giant pearls being showered in the spray from the Rimfall and awash in the eight colors of the Rimbow

An Agatean hovership, painted red and gold, approaching the nest.

The Dragon and another, smaller dragon [whose flight is apparently propelled by a blue-white flame coming out from under its tail] attacking the vessel in defence of their nest.

The vessel shoots both dragons with blasters, knocking them both out of the sky and onto the edge of the nest.

A clawed arm unfolds from the hovership and seizes one of the eggs; as it is removed from the spray, we recognise it as the Death Egg.

The hovership makes its getaway as the larger Dragon begins to stir. She nudges the smaller dragon to wake him, but gets no response; he is dead. She raises her head and lets out a long, mournful wail that echoes through the empty space beyond the Rimfall.

END VISION.

Carrot spasms as he returns to reality, nearly overwhelmed with the surge of emotions that came along with the vision. His ashen face is streaked with tears, which he only discovers when he rubs his eyes to clear them. He looks at the Dragon with a new sense of understanding: The Empire took her egg, and she just wants it back.

CARROT
[unsteadily] Thank you... for trusting me... I want to... to... want to...

He passes out.

NOBBY [o.s.]
Now can I have his X-Wing?

VIMES [o.s.]
No!

*****

End Part 13.