Disclaimers: See Part 1.
*****
INT - IVORY TOWER - QUIRM
Carrot sleeps, facedown, on a cot. His is mainly covered by a blanket but otherwise apparently undressed, and he appears to have regained some of his colour. Princess Angua is nearby, watching over him, and presently she notices the strange marking on the back of his shoulder.
She pulls back the edge of the blanket to see the rest of the birthmark - a wine-coloured mark like a tattoo, in the shape of a crown. As she is puzzling over the possible significance of the mark, she hears a metallic footstep and looks up to see...
PERSEPHONE
in her new droid body, looking like some fantasy woman dipped in chrome, save for her eyes [which are a featureless, luminescent aquamarine], her hair [which appears to have been fashioned from fine copper wire into the smoothest, most geometric bob in cosmetological history], and her lips [also metallic red]. Her joints and seams, though visible, do not interfere with her sleek lines, and her movements are smoother and more organic than that of the older model represented by Ponder Threepio, and it seems that someone has deemed it necessary for her to wear clothing [probably to maintain the PG-13 rating], though not too much of it [probably to earn the PG-13 rating].
PRINCESS ANGUA
Who are you?
PERSEPHONE
I am Persephone 9000, a recent creation of Ponder Stibbons.
Her voice, though not unpleasant, has nonetheless a slight synthetic timbre to it.
PRINCESS ANGUA
9000? That sounds more like a computer than a droid.
PERSEPHONE
I started as a computer program, but I received an upgrade shortly before the dragon arrived.
PRINCESS ANGUA
I bet you did. Have you met Threepio?
The she-droid tilts her head in amusement.
PERSEPHONE
I have. Your butler is quite a character. [beat] But rather shy, I think.
PRINCESS ANGUA
[deciding not to pursue the mechanics of romantic robotics] I expect you've been monitoring Carrot?
PERSEPHONE
Yes, in addition to my usual duties. He is healing from the psychic shock and should be lucid by this evening. In the meantime I recommend he continue to rest.
PRINCESS ANGUA
[re: the birthmark] Have you seen anything like this before?
Persephone strolls over to look, recording and magnifying the resulting image.
PERSEPHONE
My database is quite extensive. It is possible I have a file on something like this. Would you like me to run a search on it?
PRINCESS ANGUA
If you could... maybe see who his parents were, that sort of thing.
PERSEPHONE
Ah... a fallen twig searching for his family tree. I expect this is important, then.
Angua runs her fingers idly through Carrot's hair.
PRINCESS ANGUA
[absently] It might be.
PERSEPHONE
I understand. I will give the search top priority. [smiles] I was, after all, programmed as a romantic at heart.
Angua looks at her, puzzled, but the droid is already strolling away. We follow Persephone into a...
CONFERENCE ROOM
where she gently insinuates her silver self into the scenery to listen to the meeting already in progress. As she enters...
PONDER STIBBONS
... and I think that the likeliest place for the Empire to hide something like this - especially to keep it from the Dragon herself - would be on the main Star Destroyer.
RIDCULLY
Dammit, I was just up there! Why didn't you find this out before?!
PONDER STIBBONS
[testily] We didn't have a chance to talk to the Dragon before now! If I may continue?
RIDCULLY
[sulky] Yes, fine, go ahead.
VIMES
Once we've confirmed where the egg is, how do we expect to get it back? If I know Vetinari, he'd put it in the most inaccessible arse-crack of the Star Destroyer surrounded by a hundred guards.
LEONARD DA QUIRM
Not if he wished it to remain a secret.
All eyes turn to the benevolent scientist, who smiles kindly back at them as he doodles.
VIMES
[sotto] Wow, it talks.
LEONARD DA QUIRM
[not noticing the barb] The fewer people he has guarding an item, the fewer people have to know about it.
TEPPIC
Leonard only had one man guarding him.
RIDCULLY
You call that sociopath a man?! He might have killed Chewie! As it is he's lucky to get away with a haircut!
Chewbacca, who is grumpily sporting a crewcut, grunts in agreement.
LEONARD DA QUIRM
It is a simple rule of conspiracies... the fewer the people who know, the fewer the people you have to trust.
He sounds almost dreamy as he reports this opinion. On the page is a beautiful sketch of a perfect rose blossom. In the margin of the same page is another sketch, this one illustrating a handheld repeating crossbow, with a machine-gun-like strip of bolts snaking out of one side.
RIDCULLY
Of course, the real question is, how many people do *we* send, and how do we get up there? The Falcon is trashed, and the technogeeks running this place say they won't get her space worthy until week's end.
PONDER STIBBONS
Right now, the "technogeeks" could probably build you a better ship from a kit.
RIDCULLY
I don't *want* a new ship! I want *my* ship!
PONDER STIBBONS
Fine... but Adrian says they don't make parts for it anymore.
RIDCULLY
If Adrian would *let* me, I'd show him how to fix the damn thing!
VIMES
ENOUGH!
His commanding voice barrels between the two generations of heroism, and Stibbons and Ridcully fall silent.
VIMES
The real questions we have to face right now are, one, who do we send on this mission, and two, how do we get them up there?
As he outlines the second question, a red phone booth appears behind him. He turns in surprise as the door folds back to reveal...
RINCEWIND
Oh no... not them again...
Preston and Logan [who apparently have made a stop and changed out of their Imperial uniforms into the outfits that made them famous in the 80's] and the Doctor [who obviously didn't see any reason to change]. Bill and Ted see Rincewind before he can hide.
PRESTON / LOGAN [unison]
JEDI-DUDE!
RINCEWIND
[feebly] Hi.
The Doctor steps out of the phone booth after them, offering Vimes a sympathetic look.
THE DOCTOR
Sorry about the entrance - this thing doesn't appear to have much in the way of a stealth setting... we're not too late, are we?
*****
End Part 15.
*****
INT - IVORY TOWER - QUIRM
Carrot sleeps, facedown, on a cot. His is mainly covered by a blanket but otherwise apparently undressed, and he appears to have regained some of his colour. Princess Angua is nearby, watching over him, and presently she notices the strange marking on the back of his shoulder.
She pulls back the edge of the blanket to see the rest of the birthmark - a wine-coloured mark like a tattoo, in the shape of a crown. As she is puzzling over the possible significance of the mark, she hears a metallic footstep and looks up to see...
PERSEPHONE
in her new droid body, looking like some fantasy woman dipped in chrome, save for her eyes [which are a featureless, luminescent aquamarine], her hair [which appears to have been fashioned from fine copper wire into the smoothest, most geometric bob in cosmetological history], and her lips [also metallic red]. Her joints and seams, though visible, do not interfere with her sleek lines, and her movements are smoother and more organic than that of the older model represented by Ponder Threepio, and it seems that someone has deemed it necessary for her to wear clothing [probably to maintain the PG-13 rating], though not too much of it [probably to earn the PG-13 rating].
PRINCESS ANGUA
Who are you?
PERSEPHONE
I am Persephone 9000, a recent creation of Ponder Stibbons.
Her voice, though not unpleasant, has nonetheless a slight synthetic timbre to it.
PRINCESS ANGUA
9000? That sounds more like a computer than a droid.
PERSEPHONE
I started as a computer program, but I received an upgrade shortly before the dragon arrived.
PRINCESS ANGUA
I bet you did. Have you met Threepio?
The she-droid tilts her head in amusement.
PERSEPHONE
I have. Your butler is quite a character. [beat] But rather shy, I think.
PRINCESS ANGUA
[deciding not to pursue the mechanics of romantic robotics] I expect you've been monitoring Carrot?
PERSEPHONE
Yes, in addition to my usual duties. He is healing from the psychic shock and should be lucid by this evening. In the meantime I recommend he continue to rest.
PRINCESS ANGUA
[re: the birthmark] Have you seen anything like this before?
Persephone strolls over to look, recording and magnifying the resulting image.
PERSEPHONE
My database is quite extensive. It is possible I have a file on something like this. Would you like me to run a search on it?
PRINCESS ANGUA
If you could... maybe see who his parents were, that sort of thing.
PERSEPHONE
Ah... a fallen twig searching for his family tree. I expect this is important, then.
Angua runs her fingers idly through Carrot's hair.
PRINCESS ANGUA
[absently] It might be.
PERSEPHONE
I understand. I will give the search top priority. [smiles] I was, after all, programmed as a romantic at heart.
Angua looks at her, puzzled, but the droid is already strolling away. We follow Persephone into a...
CONFERENCE ROOM
where she gently insinuates her silver self into the scenery to listen to the meeting already in progress. As she enters...
PONDER STIBBONS
... and I think that the likeliest place for the Empire to hide something like this - especially to keep it from the Dragon herself - would be on the main Star Destroyer.
RIDCULLY
Dammit, I was just up there! Why didn't you find this out before?!
PONDER STIBBONS
[testily] We didn't have a chance to talk to the Dragon before now! If I may continue?
RIDCULLY
[sulky] Yes, fine, go ahead.
VIMES
Once we've confirmed where the egg is, how do we expect to get it back? If I know Vetinari, he'd put it in the most inaccessible arse-crack of the Star Destroyer surrounded by a hundred guards.
LEONARD DA QUIRM
Not if he wished it to remain a secret.
All eyes turn to the benevolent scientist, who smiles kindly back at them as he doodles.
VIMES
[sotto] Wow, it talks.
LEONARD DA QUIRM
[not noticing the barb] The fewer people he has guarding an item, the fewer people have to know about it.
TEPPIC
Leonard only had one man guarding him.
RIDCULLY
You call that sociopath a man?! He might have killed Chewie! As it is he's lucky to get away with a haircut!
Chewbacca, who is grumpily sporting a crewcut, grunts in agreement.
LEONARD DA QUIRM
It is a simple rule of conspiracies... the fewer the people who know, the fewer the people you have to trust.
He sounds almost dreamy as he reports this opinion. On the page is a beautiful sketch of a perfect rose blossom. In the margin of the same page is another sketch, this one illustrating a handheld repeating crossbow, with a machine-gun-like strip of bolts snaking out of one side.
RIDCULLY
Of course, the real question is, how many people do *we* send, and how do we get up there? The Falcon is trashed, and the technogeeks running this place say they won't get her space worthy until week's end.
PONDER STIBBONS
Right now, the "technogeeks" could probably build you a better ship from a kit.
RIDCULLY
I don't *want* a new ship! I want *my* ship!
PONDER STIBBONS
Fine... but Adrian says they don't make parts for it anymore.
RIDCULLY
If Adrian would *let* me, I'd show him how to fix the damn thing!
VIMES
ENOUGH!
His commanding voice barrels between the two generations of heroism, and Stibbons and Ridcully fall silent.
VIMES
The real questions we have to face right now are, one, who do we send on this mission, and two, how do we get them up there?
As he outlines the second question, a red phone booth appears behind him. He turns in surprise as the door folds back to reveal...
RINCEWIND
Oh no... not them again...
Preston and Logan [who apparently have made a stop and changed out of their Imperial uniforms into the outfits that made them famous in the 80's] and the Doctor [who obviously didn't see any reason to change]. Bill and Ted see Rincewind before he can hide.
PRESTON / LOGAN [unison]
JEDI-DUDE!
RINCEWIND
[feebly] Hi.
The Doctor steps out of the phone booth after them, offering Vimes a sympathetic look.
THE DOCTOR
Sorry about the entrance - this thing doesn't appear to have much in the way of a stealth setting... we're not too late, are we?
*****
End Part 15.