Disclaimers: See Part 1.
*****
CARROT'S ROOM
Carrot is dreaming. We see flashes of images: Imperial Walkers, fighter ships, storm troopers.
CONFERENCE ROOM
Vimes stares at the newcomers.
The stunned silence stretches, until Rincewind sees Sybil opening her mouth. He knows what's coming.
RINCEWIND
Your Ladyship--
LADY SYBIL
Who--
RINCEWIND
Please don't--
LADY SYBIL
--the *hell*--
RINCEWIND
I'd really prefer if--
LADY SYBIL
--are *you*?!
RINCEWIND
Oh no, not this again...
He ducks under the conference table.
The two young Californians obviously relish the same moment that Rincewind dreads.
PRESTON
I am Bill S. Preston, Esquire...
LOGAN
And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan...
PRESTON
And together, we are--
PRESTON / LOGAN [unison]
WYLD STALLYNS!
They aim air guitar riffs at Vimes, who fails to be impressed.
VIMES
Lovely... more Music With Rocks In. [to the Doctor] Are they yours?
THE DOCTOR
[tiredly] After a fashion. We accidentally switched time machines while I was visiting the city they call San Dimas, and I've been trying to track them down ever since.
PRESTON
We were totally kidnapped by the Sith-dude, who took away his phone booth.
LOGAN
And now we need to get it back from Darth Vetinari so we can all go home.
PRESTON
You know, I think I saw something like this at the multiplex last Friday.
LOGAN
No way - they had an all-night Bikini Babes Creature Feature last Friday. [to Vimes] Finest contribution to cinema we've ever seen.
THE DOCTOR
Actually, our mix-up happened last Friday.
PRESTON
Oh yah... the Creature Feature must've been the Friday before that.
VIMES
[to Logan] Didn't I see you in a clicks about virtual reality or something?
LOGAN
[grins] That sounds like it'd make a most excellent movie.
VIMES
Never mind. If we could return to the issue at hand - which is probably contingent on getting the Wyld Stallyns to shut up--
Preston and Logan both make the universal gesture for "my lips are sealed".
RIDCULLY
Well, like I said, I was just up there, and I'm not making a second trip - especially not with the Millennium Falcon like it is.
Preston and Logan, lips still innocently pressed together, begin humming the "Star Wars" theme. Vimes turns to glare at them, and they stop, only to resume when he turns back.
CARROT'S ROOM
The dream or vision or whatever is becoming more intense, reaching a nightmarish velocity at about the point at which Carrot spasms awake with a gasp.
PRINCESS ANGUA
Carrot...?
He sits up, gathering the blanket around his waist to preserve his modesty.
CARROT
[urgent] Clothes. I need clothes.
A bit alarmed, she points out a chest in the corner. As he stands, tying the blanket around his waist:
PRINCESS ANGUA
Carrot, what's going on?
CARROT
They're coming.
CONFERENCE ROOM
VIMES
I'm not *suggesting* you go back up there, Ridcully.
RIDCULLY
Good.
PONDER STIBBONS
But we have to send someone. And we need a working ship or... something...
He is now looking speculatively at the phone booth.
The Rebels turn to follow his gaze.
Finally, the temporal travelers regard the phone booth.
PONDER STIBBONS
Er, is that device insured?
PRESTON
[mouth still pressed shut] Mmf mf-mf mffmfmfffmmf.
VIMES
What? [beat] You can talk now.
PRESTON
We're kind of borrowing it.
LOGAN
From the future.
PONDER STIBBONS
So, technically, it doesn't exist yet. Which means no insurance. That might be a problem.
PRESTON/ LOGAN
We'll drive!
LOGAN
When do we leave?
VIMES
First, we have to decide which of the Rebel Alliance is going--
PRESTON
THAT's where I know this from!
VIMES
What...?
PRESTON
Star Wars, dude!
VIMES
[to George Lucas] Could you give him a sedative or something? I'm getting a headache.
Presently Carrot enters the conference room, fully dressed and with his game face firmly in place.
VIMES
[turns] Carrot! You're supposed to be resting!
CARROT
I'll rest later. [to Ponder] Right now Imperial forces are converging on the city. You have to get ready for battle.
PONDER STIBBONS
[startled] H-how many?
Carrot thinks.
CARROT
Most of them, I guess. In the meantime, I need to get up to the Star Destroyer.
THE DOCTOR
Well, we're already going in that direction.
CARROT
Who are you?
THE DOCTOR
Most people call me the Doctor.
CARROT
Uh... Doctor who?
THE DOCTOR
[brightly] Yes, exactly.
Carrot looks like he's reached a level of confusion usually only attained during a conversation with Yogi Berra.
VIMES
I hope you're not thinking of doing this alone, Carrot.
CARROT
Of course not. I'm going to be taking a great Jedi master with me.
There is a frantic shuffling under the conference table, and Carrot scrambles alongside said table until he manages to grab hold of Rincewind and pry him loose. Rincewind is clearly dreading this latest mission.
CARROT
Don't worry, Rincewind. Granny said that she saw great things in our future.
RINCEWIND
I don't want great things to be in my future. I want great things to be very far behind me - and preferably not chasing me and trying to kill me.
CARROT
Granny also said that the core of the way of the Jedi is humility.
PRESTON
Hey Rince-dude! By that standard you're a totally bodacious Jedi!
RINCEWIND
Shut up.
LOGAN
Hey Bill, royal princess-babe at ten o'clock.
Princess Angua has entered the room just in time to receive the collective appreciation of Preston and Logan. She curls her lip at them in a snarl that shows a few warning fangs.
PRESTON
[sotto] Whoa. Were-babe.
The Doctor puts his hand over his eyes.
CARROT
[putting his arms around the Princess] Angua... There's one last thing I have to do.
In the background, Death has just entered the frame, as casually as you please. Rincewind notices this and breaks into a cold sweat.
PRINCESS ANGUA
I don't want you to go.
CARROT
I'm sorry - I have to. I have to face Darth Vetinari and vanquish whatever evil is behind his power. Only when the Empire is broken can the Discworld be free.
She hugs him around his broad chest.
Preston and Logan have noticed Death as well. Death gives them a reassuring air guitar, and they grin and return the salute. Rincewind looks sideways at them.
RINCEWIND
[to the Doctor] If those two turn out to be Jedi, I'm gonna be really mad.
Carrot and Angua don't notice the activities in their background.
PRINCESS ANGUA
Just make sure you come back.
CARROT
I will. No matter what.
They step back from each other, one last lingering glance connecting them before Carrot turns towards the phone booth and its crew.
Preston and Logan applaud the touching farewell, and Preston theatrically wipes at his eyes. Carrot smiles faintly at them.
CARROT
Let's go.
Preston, Logan, the Doctor, Carrot, and Rincewind crowd into the booth. Just as the Doctor is about to close the door, Carrot holds it open.
CARROT
I think We got one more.
DEATH
THANK YOU. I JUST HAVE SOME BUSINESS UP THERE AS WELL AND APPRECIATE THE RIDE.
Death makes his way to the back of the booth, right next to Rincewind, who risks an apprehensive glance at him as Preston dials.
RINCEWIND
Uh... hi.
DEATH
HELLO.
RINCEWIND
You're uh, not still mad about that 'bugger the script' thing back in Episode Four, are you?
DEATH
NOT AT ALL.
RINCEWIND
Oh, good.
DEATH
[sotto] AT LEAST YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME A MELVIN.
The door closes. An antenna swings up into place.
RINCEWIND
A *mel--*?
The phone booth vanishes in the middle of the word "melvin".
*****
End Part 16.
*****
CARROT'S ROOM
Carrot is dreaming. We see flashes of images: Imperial Walkers, fighter ships, storm troopers.
CONFERENCE ROOM
Vimes stares at the newcomers.
The stunned silence stretches, until Rincewind sees Sybil opening her mouth. He knows what's coming.
RINCEWIND
Your Ladyship--
LADY SYBIL
Who--
RINCEWIND
Please don't--
LADY SYBIL
--the *hell*--
RINCEWIND
I'd really prefer if--
LADY SYBIL
--are *you*?!
RINCEWIND
Oh no, not this again...
He ducks under the conference table.
The two young Californians obviously relish the same moment that Rincewind dreads.
PRESTON
I am Bill S. Preston, Esquire...
LOGAN
And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan...
PRESTON
And together, we are--
PRESTON / LOGAN [unison]
WYLD STALLYNS!
They aim air guitar riffs at Vimes, who fails to be impressed.
VIMES
Lovely... more Music With Rocks In. [to the Doctor] Are they yours?
THE DOCTOR
[tiredly] After a fashion. We accidentally switched time machines while I was visiting the city they call San Dimas, and I've been trying to track them down ever since.
PRESTON
We were totally kidnapped by the Sith-dude, who took away his phone booth.
LOGAN
And now we need to get it back from Darth Vetinari so we can all go home.
PRESTON
You know, I think I saw something like this at the multiplex last Friday.
LOGAN
No way - they had an all-night Bikini Babes Creature Feature last Friday. [to Vimes] Finest contribution to cinema we've ever seen.
THE DOCTOR
Actually, our mix-up happened last Friday.
PRESTON
Oh yah... the Creature Feature must've been the Friday before that.
VIMES
[to Logan] Didn't I see you in a clicks about virtual reality or something?
LOGAN
[grins] That sounds like it'd make a most excellent movie.
VIMES
Never mind. If we could return to the issue at hand - which is probably contingent on getting the Wyld Stallyns to shut up--
Preston and Logan both make the universal gesture for "my lips are sealed".
RIDCULLY
Well, like I said, I was just up there, and I'm not making a second trip - especially not with the Millennium Falcon like it is.
Preston and Logan, lips still innocently pressed together, begin humming the "Star Wars" theme. Vimes turns to glare at them, and they stop, only to resume when he turns back.
CARROT'S ROOM
The dream or vision or whatever is becoming more intense, reaching a nightmarish velocity at about the point at which Carrot spasms awake with a gasp.
PRINCESS ANGUA
Carrot...?
He sits up, gathering the blanket around his waist to preserve his modesty.
CARROT
[urgent] Clothes. I need clothes.
A bit alarmed, she points out a chest in the corner. As he stands, tying the blanket around his waist:
PRINCESS ANGUA
Carrot, what's going on?
CARROT
They're coming.
CONFERENCE ROOM
VIMES
I'm not *suggesting* you go back up there, Ridcully.
RIDCULLY
Good.
PONDER STIBBONS
But we have to send someone. And we need a working ship or... something...
He is now looking speculatively at the phone booth.
The Rebels turn to follow his gaze.
Finally, the temporal travelers regard the phone booth.
PONDER STIBBONS
Er, is that device insured?
PRESTON
[mouth still pressed shut] Mmf mf-mf mffmfmfffmmf.
VIMES
What? [beat] You can talk now.
PRESTON
We're kind of borrowing it.
LOGAN
From the future.
PONDER STIBBONS
So, technically, it doesn't exist yet. Which means no insurance. That might be a problem.
PRESTON/ LOGAN
We'll drive!
LOGAN
When do we leave?
VIMES
First, we have to decide which of the Rebel Alliance is going--
PRESTON
THAT's where I know this from!
VIMES
What...?
PRESTON
Star Wars, dude!
VIMES
[to George Lucas] Could you give him a sedative or something? I'm getting a headache.
Presently Carrot enters the conference room, fully dressed and with his game face firmly in place.
VIMES
[turns] Carrot! You're supposed to be resting!
CARROT
I'll rest later. [to Ponder] Right now Imperial forces are converging on the city. You have to get ready for battle.
PONDER STIBBONS
[startled] H-how many?
Carrot thinks.
CARROT
Most of them, I guess. In the meantime, I need to get up to the Star Destroyer.
THE DOCTOR
Well, we're already going in that direction.
CARROT
Who are you?
THE DOCTOR
Most people call me the Doctor.
CARROT
Uh... Doctor who?
THE DOCTOR
[brightly] Yes, exactly.
Carrot looks like he's reached a level of confusion usually only attained during a conversation with Yogi Berra.
VIMES
I hope you're not thinking of doing this alone, Carrot.
CARROT
Of course not. I'm going to be taking a great Jedi master with me.
There is a frantic shuffling under the conference table, and Carrot scrambles alongside said table until he manages to grab hold of Rincewind and pry him loose. Rincewind is clearly dreading this latest mission.
CARROT
Don't worry, Rincewind. Granny said that she saw great things in our future.
RINCEWIND
I don't want great things to be in my future. I want great things to be very far behind me - and preferably not chasing me and trying to kill me.
CARROT
Granny also said that the core of the way of the Jedi is humility.
PRESTON
Hey Rince-dude! By that standard you're a totally bodacious Jedi!
RINCEWIND
Shut up.
LOGAN
Hey Bill, royal princess-babe at ten o'clock.
Princess Angua has entered the room just in time to receive the collective appreciation of Preston and Logan. She curls her lip at them in a snarl that shows a few warning fangs.
PRESTON
[sotto] Whoa. Were-babe.
The Doctor puts his hand over his eyes.
CARROT
[putting his arms around the Princess] Angua... There's one last thing I have to do.
In the background, Death has just entered the frame, as casually as you please. Rincewind notices this and breaks into a cold sweat.
PRINCESS ANGUA
I don't want you to go.
CARROT
I'm sorry - I have to. I have to face Darth Vetinari and vanquish whatever evil is behind his power. Only when the Empire is broken can the Discworld be free.
She hugs him around his broad chest.
Preston and Logan have noticed Death as well. Death gives them a reassuring air guitar, and they grin and return the salute. Rincewind looks sideways at them.
RINCEWIND
[to the Doctor] If those two turn out to be Jedi, I'm gonna be really mad.
Carrot and Angua don't notice the activities in their background.
PRINCESS ANGUA
Just make sure you come back.
CARROT
I will. No matter what.
They step back from each other, one last lingering glance connecting them before Carrot turns towards the phone booth and its crew.
Preston and Logan applaud the touching farewell, and Preston theatrically wipes at his eyes. Carrot smiles faintly at them.
CARROT
Let's go.
Preston, Logan, the Doctor, Carrot, and Rincewind crowd into the booth. Just as the Doctor is about to close the door, Carrot holds it open.
CARROT
I think We got one more.
DEATH
THANK YOU. I JUST HAVE SOME BUSINESS UP THERE AS WELL AND APPRECIATE THE RIDE.
Death makes his way to the back of the booth, right next to Rincewind, who risks an apprehensive glance at him as Preston dials.
RINCEWIND
Uh... hi.
DEATH
HELLO.
RINCEWIND
You're uh, not still mad about that 'bugger the script' thing back in Episode Four, are you?
DEATH
NOT AT ALL.
RINCEWIND
Oh, good.
DEATH
[sotto] AT LEAST YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME A MELVIN.
The door closes. An antenna swings up into place.
RINCEWIND
A *mel--*?
The phone booth vanishes in the middle of the word "melvin".
*****
End Part 16.