Ron:
WTF? Hermione's getting all teary-eyed and she's grinning at the damn Albino's back! He is most definitely NOT worthy of her!! If Hermione's interested in him, then Mum would skin me alive!
Wait a minute…that's her wicked grin.
Alright then. I guess that Lav and I can start making out.
Harry:
Jayzus…that's a whole lot of ugly booty following the Ugly White Mouse.
Too bad for them that Pale Skin Boy's a LO-OOO-SER(!) who needs a microscope and tweezers to get it up! And, he spends more time primping himself than Parvati.
Why am I being so mean?? I thought that…oh well. It's stupid Mallboy.
Why is everyone in the whole wide-arsed Great Hal still staring at me and Chartreuse like we're some kind of AIDS virus? I swear, I'm not infected! Only Malfoy is! Stop staring at me! I hate this gawk-at-the-animal-in-the-zoo-style attention! Go buy your own friggin' lightning shaped scars, people.
Chartreuse:
I really like this attention. Maybe I should go and buy myself a lightning shaped scar. Yeah, dude, rock on. Go me!
Great Hall:
Were Harry and Chartreuse really kissing???
(Girls) Darn. Lost another potential date.
(Guys) My manhood still works, right??
Hermione:
Geez. I wonder if Ron and Lavander still virgins. {Cautiously takes a peep at them and reflexively gags} Gah! The way they've been going at it…sickos.
TOO MUCH P.D.A. (*) ALERT! Wee-o, Wee-o!
Whatever, though. They do look adorable together…and I have a slimy, blond fish to fry.
Draco:
Ahh, this is the LIFE! Yeah baby! Girls, girls, girls, girls…
[Poem courtesy of Ferret Express]
I got a Harem!
Don't care about 'em!
I can use their powder,
Make my nose like a flower!
So white, so fresh, and so clean, clean
Yeah, baby!
Go Me!
Harry:
'Ermione's coming over. Holy crap, she looks scarily devilish and evil. Eww, is Seamus getting off on this??
Great. Now Hermione looks pissed. Probably she's going to end up wanking about how me and Ron have never read "Hogwarts, a History." That damn book can go to the loo…hey…I need to go, too! Damn pumpkin juice! I really gotta go!!
Hermione:
Harry's never read "Hogwarts, A History," has he? How horrible. Maybe I should buy Ron and him identical copies of it for Christmas. They're bound to read it then.
What? Why did Harry go running off all of a sudden? I only meant to talk about my newest plan! The Super Sneaky Cunning Plan For White-As-Soy Malfoy's Downfall! (SSCPFWASMD) Drat. That name won't really fit on a pin, will it? Oh well. More pins for SPEW, I guess.
Speaking of SSCPFWASMD, should I really make Harry and Ron join? Doubtless, they're going to jump at this chance to get back at Malferret, but Snape's been desperate to bust their asses…and since the Horrible Blondie is Snape's fave student, if Harry and Ron get caught then they might be expelled!
Holy Moly.
I couldn't allow myself to take part in that! Harry and Ron would never be able to take their N.E.W.T.'s! I wouldn't be able to see their grimaces of pain and torture in the NEWT tests! Ahh…wouldn't want to miss that for the world.
I guess I'm going to have to go solo for SSCPFWASMD.
Ron:
Holy Cow! Hermione sure is complicated! One minute she looks like an evil James Bond hottie (just rented the muggle tellym-ovie, right that's how you say it?), the next she looks like a deranged patient from a mental hospital! No wonder why Harry ran for the bathroom. Must be her time of the month again.
Harry:
Hermione's mad at me again. Great.
Wait a second…she looks thrilled about something. More thrilled than Ron looked when we beat the Crappy Slytherin Seeker. Holy Cow. She must be really stoked about something!
Why would a girl look thrilled??? Gah! They are so hard to figure out! {Racks brain and twitches fingers} I got it! Hermione must be going out with someone! What? She's going out with someone and she didn't tell me?? Or Ron?? Better go see if her first-ever boy-toy makes the Harry-and-Ron Big Brother cut.
Hermione:
"No Harry, I'm not dating anyone."
"Really? You know that you can tell your big bro- I mean, heh, heh, best friend, anything you know."
"OK. Harry, you asked for the truth. Well the truth is that I've been secretly having an affair with… (Harry looks in expectancy) (drum roll) Malfoy!"
Holy crap. Where did that come from?
Harry:
Holy Crap. Where did that come from? I'm going to pound Malfoy! He must have teamed up with Rita Skeeter and made some love potion on Hermione!
"Just kidding, Harry! You think my taste is that bad??" Hermione looked exceedingly worried.
"Oh." Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God!!!!
"He is gay, or so I've heard. So if anything, are you sure that you're not the one going out with White-As-Soy Malfoy?"
"Hermione!! How could you say that?"
"Sorry Harry, I couldn't resist."
Lavender:
Ron…don't resist!
Hermione:
Rat's ass. I feel so worried! More worried than I was about the OWLS!
Where did that pure bull about dating Malfoy come from? My standards are much higher than that!
When I start saying stupid crap like that, I know that it's time to hit the books. Off to the library!
Draco:
Damn that Veronica bitch. I only wanted her stupid concealer for my poor sexy nose! Why the hell is she trying to get me in her pants?
"Sorry Veronica, not now."
She's a frigging size 13 girl wearing size 3 pants- how am I supposed to fit in there?
"But Drakie!"
Okie. Nicknames like that make me sick. Maybe if I go to the library, Veronica, the Royal Bird Brain won't follow me.
Author's Note: You tell me what you want next, readers! Please review!
(*)- Public Displays of Affection
Disclaimer: Hey I'm not J.K. Rowling…If I owned the characters (which I don't) Sirius would still be alive and making a cameo as "the Dog who bites Chartreuse".
Thanks to Wally the Walrus, EbonyRiver, Draco-Malfoy-Severus-Luna, beckie13, Hellish, and Hellash! You guys are pure inspiration!