Draco:
Woo. Man, I haven't panted that hard since I saw Pamela Anderson Lee's implants! Is that a side ache I feel in my perfectly toned and tanned abdomen?
For a girl who looks as muscular as a pile of Jell-o, that Veronica bitch sure could run.
It's kind of demoralizing, to tell the truth. After all, I am a big, buff, and bad (I think you know what kind of 'bad' I am) Quidditch player. In spite of all that conditioning to make me the stunningly handsome Calvin Klein-model-material playboy, err, I mean, boy, Veronica the COW nearly outran me. It's truly frightening to think of what she would have done to me if she caught up…she'd make R. Kelly look like a children's saint.
Is that a certain bookworm-y Gryffindor specimen lurking in the corner of the library? Heh heh. It's time for karma, Gangrened Granger!
Hermione:
Urgh. Sometimes this frizzy hair is a real pain.
Like now, for instance.
I hastily brushed my hair out of my glasses, so that I could read the next enthralling, (I'm really serious here; this book is amazing) chapter of Beating up the Bully. Who knew that kung-fu could be so incredibly interesting? Now I can turn Malsoy into a ferret, and, here's the beautiful part, I could literally kick his ass!
"Reading again, Granger? No wonder why your eyes are so beady. You know, squinting has very adverse effects on your face…for example, I can already see crow's feet at the corners of-" an unusually masculine voice offered me some exceedingly feminine tips.
A stray wisp of sun kissed blonde hair landed smack-dab in the middle of my current paragraph. Hmm…I smell John Frieda's "beach blonde" shampoo…weelll now; it had to be Draconis Pissus.
Instinctively, my arm bent at the elbow and I elbowed him in the face.
"Better not criticize my 'beady eye', Malferret. Coz it looks like you have a heck of a black eye."
Draco:
What did I do to deserve all this? Dear God, are you trying to ruin my damnably smoldering good looks?? I guess I'll finally have to wear that shameful muggle pirate eye-mask-thingy.
Funny…I'll probably start a fashion.
However, Granger was going to pay. As soon as I get my Elizabeth Arden-lotioned-hands on some concealer, that is.
As I quickly and gracefully made my exit (fashion-deprived gentlemen, please read my book Helpful Tips from the Fab Five-and Draco Malfoy), Lisario, a scarily masculine female, jumped on my back and yelled, "OVER HERE, GIRLS!!"
Within seconds, I swear, nanoseconds, I was swamped by a horde of females. Normally, I would have enjoyed the attention, but seeing as how I was trying to craftily cover up my black eye…I really didn't want anyone to see me as I was.
"Oh! DRACO, WE LUUURRVE YOU!!"
Honestly. Couldn't these girls at least try to make their voices lower than 1000 decibels? And what the hell is "LUUUURRVE"? Sounds downright disgusting to me.
"Move bitch!" a very, very aggressive redhead slapped Lisario off of my back, which gave me ten seconds of precious relief. I turned my head and was about to mutter a fervent, "Thank you!", when the redhead jumped onto my back and screamed, loud enough for my father to hear in Malfoy Manor, "DRACO IS MINE!!! MINE!!! ALL MINE!!!"
Why, oh why, couldn't one of the hot chicks jump on my back?
I sighed and looked out from the corner of my eye (one of the most clichéd actions in history) and saw Granger move her rather attractive-I mean, disgusting, vile, and lecherously delicious-err, not, lips.
"BREAK A LEG, MALFERRET! OR A SPINAL CORD!!" Her fluffy hair bounced out of sight.
Isn't it just great to know that someone cares about me?
Hermione:
Oh. My. Lord. I haven't laughed this hard since the third grade when the teacher gave Billy the idiot an A+ on his essay, "My Frog is Yummy".
Tears were streaming all over my face. In fact, I laugh-cried so much that I formed a small, err, puddle…okay, okay, I'll be honest…it was more like a lake, of tears which caused Mrs. Norris to drag Filch to my laughing-site.
"Move, girl." Filch growled. That guy sure could use a bath…or twenty…
"Grrrrooowww," Mrs. Norris purred while, umm, well, 'humping' Filch's foot.
I laughed even more.
"Come along, Missy…looks like she's got rabies or sommat…" Filch backed away with a look of worry on his grease-stained face.
"Grrrooowww," Mrs. Norris repeated her "movement".
It looked like my 'lake of laugh-tears' was going to turn into an ocean.
"Missy, Missy," Filch began, warningly, "What are you doing? Missy? Are you crazy?? She'll bite you or sommat!! Missy!!!"
Mrs. Norris propelled her bandy-marked splayed legs towards my head as Filch dived to stop her.
"Missy! This student is DANGEROUS!!"
Filch attempted to catch Mrs. Norris…but failed miserably.
Timber! Falling Filch alert!
Filch landed, his eyes parallel to mine. I growled and yipped and howled, all the while baring my 'fangs'.
Filch's eyes widened in utter horror.
I laughed even harder.
Draco:
"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!! GIRLS, LOOK AT DRAKIE-POO'S BLACK EYE!"
"POOR BABY!"
"I'LL KISS THE PAIN AWAY, DON'T WORRY!!"
"NOOO! I WILL!"
"NO!!!!!! ME FIRST!"
I used this catfight as an opportunity to sneak away from my 'admirers'. Technically, they were stalkers, but that's beyond the point, isn't it?
"Hahahahahahaha!!! Hoo boy!!!"
Fragments of a deranged laugh echoed through the halls. Well, this was sure to be interesting.
I followed the noise to its source and found one Hermione Granger lolling in a watery mess while Filch clutched to Mrs. Norris for dear life.
Good Lord, Filch hadn't done anything to her, right?? If he did…I felt the strangest urge to turn his slimy head into a battering ram. No one messed with Hermy-Herpes except for me.
I scooped Hermione up, as she continued with her deranged little laugh, and glared vehemently at Filch.
"Watch out, Ferret-boy! That girl's got RABIES!" Filch positively shrieked, a la Pansy Parkinson, and tore out of the hall.
"Are you okay, Hermione? That crazy old goon didn't…(I couldn't bring myself to say it)…violate you, did he?"
Her only response was to laugh more.
Filch's raping must have made her crazy! Nooo!! I could only torture sane people.
Steam started pounding from my head, like the Hogwarts train, and I chugged full speed at Filch.
"Draco!"
I stopped.
"He (giggle) did (giggle) not (snort) do (weaker giggle) ANYTHING! (Choke)" Hermione's hand flew to her throat, and she assumed a look of "Oh Holy shit…"
Well, great. I find out that she wasn't raped, and here she goes, choking, of all the things, on me!
"Hermione! Breathe! In, out. In, out."
Crap. She was turning blue.
I dragged her out of the "watery grave" and surprisingly enough, gently placed her on the dry floor. Woo hoo. Now it was time to see if my CRP...wait, no...CPR…that's it (!)…training worked.
"Go get Madame Pomfrey!" I yelled at Filch, who hurriedly exited through one of the Weasley's infamous hidden passageways.
My, my. Did I say that Granger had crow's feet? Well, the mudbl- , damn I couldn't say it, mudborn, then, had better skin that me! Creamy as a cup of vanilla Yoplait yogurt, smooth, and soft, and…well, I had to resuscitate her, didn't I?
I lowered my lips onto her closed ones. Sparks erupted in my head and I headily pounded air into her mouth… and maybe something else, too.
Hermione:
What the hell is a worm doing in my mouth?? OMG, it's stupid, flippin' Malfoy's tongue!! EWWW!!!
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I screamed at a smug-looking Draco.
"I just saved your lif-"
Ron appeared from one of Fred and George's hidden passages and yelled, "WHAT IN TARNATION DID YOU DO?"
"Tarnation?" I gave Ron a quizzical look.
He ignored me and smacked Draco's blonde head against the wall. Draco winced at the impact, rubbed his head a little, and proceeded to charge Ron.
Testosterone. Does it ever stop?
Author:
Okay. Finally cranked out that chapter. Sorry it took so long, guys! I was working on "Guardian of the Covenant" and being hit by softballs and tennis balls…the life of a human target…
Disclaimer: I am not, and never will be J. K. Rowling.
Hidden_Tales: I hope you like this!
Hellish: I love your story, girl! Thanks for the review…and I sent you that freaky e-mail back a long while ago. Did it work?
Draco-Malfoy-Severus-Luva: Glad that you like this story!
Gravity 747: Thanks! This still isn't nearly as interesting as your "Dead ass cat" story, though.
Kathleen: I tried to give Draco a "major role". Hope you enjoyed it!
Alright readers! Now it's time for you to tell me where you want this to go next!