Disclaimers: See Part 1.
*****
EXT – QUIRM – THE BATTLE
The tide has turned in the Rebels' favour, if one may safely judge by the imperial wreckage littering the square, and the Quirmish defenders are routing the last few pockets of the hated Empire.
INT – IVORY TOWER – ANGUA'S ROOM
The three-way deathmatch between the assassins is still going on at a ferocious pace, with blades flickering at blinding speed. It is either a miracle or his insanity that has kept Teatime alive for this long, though his clothing is torn and he is no longer grinning. In fact, he's snarling at Teppic and Chidder from his current position backed into a corner. He looks like he would very much like to spit venom in both their faces, were it not for the inconvenient fact that he possesses neither hollow fangs nor venom sacs.
TEATIME
You know the trouble with good guys? You always feel like you have to be merciful to your enemies. I bet you're not even really trying to kill me – just incapacitate me so you can take me prisoner or some such crap.
CHIDDER
Oh come on, Teatime, you should know better than that.
TEATIME
Better than what?
TEPPIC
We're not good guys – we're Assassins.
Teatime looks understandably puzzled
TEATIME
If you're not good guys, what does that make me?
Chidder smiles angelically – if the angel one has in mind in the avenging sort.
CHIDDER
Dead.
As one Assassin, Chidder and Teppic lunge forward and stab Teatime. When they withdraw, Teatime slides to the floor, his dying expression one of comical bafflement.
TEPPIC
He raises a valid issue, Chidder – if we're not good guys, then what are we?
CHIDDER
I choose to consider myself Chaotic Neutral with chivalrous tendencies.
TEPPIC
Well, that makes sense, I suppose.
CHIDDER
Now let us remove our guest before Her Grace gets back. I simply would not do to leave a bloody corpse in the bedroom of a princess.
TEPPIC
I'll get his feet.
They set about removing Teatime in a very businesslike fashion.
EXT – QUIRM
Angua, meanwhile, is well out of immediate danger, watching the last throes of the battle from a rooftop. Her thoughts, however, are of Carrot, hoping he gets home safely. Leonard saunters up next to her, still juggling what appear to be his last three melons.
LEONARD DA QUIRM
[helpfully] It seems to be mainly over.
PRINCESS ANGUA
[distracted] Mm.
LEONARD DA QUIRM
It won't take but a week to get things cleaned up, and then Quirm will be good as new. And the Disc will be rid of people who want to use technology to oppress, rather than help, their fellow man. I shouldn't be very surprised if people like young Stibbons rose to power in the absence of the Empire.
PRINCESS ANGUA
Leonard?
LEONARD DA QUIRM
Yes, Your Grace?
PRINCESS ANGUA
Go suggest that to Vimes. I'm willing to bet you wouldn't be able to find the shade of purple he turns anywhere in your paints.
LEONARD DA QUIRM
Oh, I did already. [pauses mournfully] I don't suppose it would have been so bad had he not been holding a swamp dragon at the time.
PRINCESS ANGUA
Oh no – did he - ?
LEONARD DA QUIRM
Oh, the dragon is fine. However I would have enjoyed disassembling the three Imperial ships that got caught in the fireball. I suppose it's for the best – I understand that so many of my ideas have been used for evil. Maybe it's best if some of them remain forgotten.
PRINCESS ANGUA
I'm sorry, Leonard. [beat] Have you heard anything from Carrot?
LEONARD DA QUIRM
Well, those two droids of Stibbons' seem to have discovered something very exciting about him – that's why I was looking for you.
PRINCESS ANGUA
What - ?
Just then the TARDIS arrives, wheezing and gasping like it is about to break down, and a slightly disheveled Doctor exits hurriedly, though considering his quirky fashion sense, "disheveled" is a relative term. Let us establish a baseline by indicating that the ends of his scarf have been bitten off so they now hang at about waist level and his hair is even more unruly than before and he is missing half of one sleeve of his frockcoat. He approaches Angua.
THE DOCTOR
I have some good news!
PRINCESS ANGUA
Carrot's with you?
THE DOCTOR
No – I've found out what it eats!
PRINCESS ANGUA
What WHAT eats?
THE DOCTOR
Unfortunately, it took a bit of trial and error, but in the process I discovered that a newly-hatched dragonling will take fresh meat. It will also eat most furniture, a set of mithril cookware, an entire bag of jellybabies, several rare specimens from Betelgeuse 4, and Slinkies, among other things. Is its mother anywhere about? I'm quite eager to return him now.
LEONARD DA QUIRM
[sensing a kindred spirit] Are you Quirmish, by chance?
THE DOCTOR
No – Gallifreyan. Why?
LEONARD DA QUIRM
I think you'll find this city very fascinating.
THE DOCTOR
Of course, of course, but first –
He turns on his heel and re-enters the TARDIS, emerging moments later accompanied by Pretty Butterfly, Lotus Blossom, and the hatchling. The young dragon has grown noticeably since it hatched and is now the size of a pony. It is chewing on something metallic, but presently it pauses, swallows, and sniffs the air. Catching a particular scent, it rushes to the edge of the rooftop and chirps happily. The mother Dragon calls from somewhere not very far away, and we see her outline banking around a tall building to rejoin her baby.
THE DOCTOR
Well, it seems my work here is done. [to Leonard] I would love to visit your city very soon – but in the meantime it's going to take *ages* to clean up the TARDIS. It's truly amazing how rambunctious a one-day-old dragon can be. [bows] If you will excuse me…
He ducks back into the TARDIS, which leaves a few moments later.
Angua waits anxiously for a few beats longer, expecting Carrot to show up with his companions.
LEONARD DA QUIRM
Your Grace? Ponder Threepio and Persephone would very much like to speak with you. They were quite insistent.
PRINCESS ANGUA
… all right.
At that moment the roar from the exploding Star Destroyer reaches the Disc. Angua turns, sees the nova, pales, and makes a strangled noise, putting her hand over her mouth. Leonard puts a gentle hand on her shoulder and leads her away from the rooftop.
INT – IVORY TOWER – CORRIDOR
Leonard and Angua pass by Teppic and Chidder headed the other way, carrying between them a large bundle wrapped in a blanket. Chidder nods amiably to the Princess and touches his forelock in greeting. She smiles feebly in response.
She and Leonard enter a parlour, already occupied by Threepio and Persephone.
PERSEPHONE
Are you quite certain? After all, the Star Destroyer was just—
PONDER THREEPIO
[bows, seeing the Princess] Good afternoon, Your Majesty.
PERSEPHONE
[turns] Your Grace.
PRINCESS ANGUA
Leonard tells me you have some news.
PONDER THREEPIO
You look a bit pale… maybe you ought to sit down.
After a moment [during which she is torn between the need to be strong and the slight queasiness in the pit of her stomach from witnessing Carrot's apparent death], she sits.
PONDER THREEPIO
Now, as you know, Persephone and I have been conducting a bit of independent research into the background of Master Carrot, and we've found something I think you'll find very interesting.
He offers her a printout, which she takes with a trembling hand. She reads what is printed there, nearly smiles, but then breaks into a fit of sobbing.
PERSEPHONE
I should think she would have taken the news a bit better than that. I mean, it's *good* news, isn't it?
PONDER THREEPIO
I think we're missing a few crucial pieces of this puzzle. Leonard, might I requisition a hanky from you?
Leonard proffers a small paper box with a linen hanky tucked into the top. Threepio takes the hanky, and another one pops up to replace it. The droid offers the hanky to Angua. She looks up at him with bleary eyes, then takes the hanky and blows her nose..
PRINCESS ANGUA
Don't you get it? It doesn't matter… even if this is true it doesn't matter – I saw the Star Destroyer blow up!
PERSEPHONE
And thus we get to the heart of the matter… You see, Threepio thinks that—
PONDER THREEPIO
I *know* it for a fact, thank you!
PERSEPHONE
Okay, fine…
PRINCESS ANGUA
You know… what?
PONDER THREEPIO
Well, I don't want you rushing off—urk!
Angua has grabbed the protocol droid around his metallic throat [in absence of lapels] and pulled him forward so he is optic sensor to yellow eye with her.
PRINCESS ANGUA
[snarly voice] TELL ME!
PONDER THREEPIO
Master Carrot… is alive, Your Majesty. I've been monitoring his vital signs since he left, in case I should need to organize a rescue mission, and I can tell you for a fact that he's still alive.
She stares at him for a moment, scarcely believing the glimmer of hope he's offered.
PRINCESS ANGUA
Where is he, then? If he's still alive, then where is he? If he made it off the Star Destroyer, then where did he go from there?
PONDER THREEPIO
Er… therein lies the problem. I can't quite determine where – or when – he is. But I can assure you that as soon as he can, he'll come back to you – if my knowledge of human nature serves me well.
PRINCESS ANGUA
I just wish he were here now so I didn't have to worry about him.
PONDER THREEPIO
[pats her hand] It's just a matter of time.
*****
End Part 21.
*****
EXT – QUIRM – THE BATTLE
The tide has turned in the Rebels' favour, if one may safely judge by the imperial wreckage littering the square, and the Quirmish defenders are routing the last few pockets of the hated Empire.
INT – IVORY TOWER – ANGUA'S ROOM
The three-way deathmatch between the assassins is still going on at a ferocious pace, with blades flickering at blinding speed. It is either a miracle or his insanity that has kept Teatime alive for this long, though his clothing is torn and he is no longer grinning. In fact, he's snarling at Teppic and Chidder from his current position backed into a corner. He looks like he would very much like to spit venom in both their faces, were it not for the inconvenient fact that he possesses neither hollow fangs nor venom sacs.
TEATIME
You know the trouble with good guys? You always feel like you have to be merciful to your enemies. I bet you're not even really trying to kill me – just incapacitate me so you can take me prisoner or some such crap.
CHIDDER
Oh come on, Teatime, you should know better than that.
TEATIME
Better than what?
TEPPIC
We're not good guys – we're Assassins.
Teatime looks understandably puzzled
TEATIME
If you're not good guys, what does that make me?
Chidder smiles angelically – if the angel one has in mind in the avenging sort.
CHIDDER
Dead.
As one Assassin, Chidder and Teppic lunge forward and stab Teatime. When they withdraw, Teatime slides to the floor, his dying expression one of comical bafflement.
TEPPIC
He raises a valid issue, Chidder – if we're not good guys, then what are we?
CHIDDER
I choose to consider myself Chaotic Neutral with chivalrous tendencies.
TEPPIC
Well, that makes sense, I suppose.
CHIDDER
Now let us remove our guest before Her Grace gets back. I simply would not do to leave a bloody corpse in the bedroom of a princess.
TEPPIC
I'll get his feet.
They set about removing Teatime in a very businesslike fashion.
EXT – QUIRM
Angua, meanwhile, is well out of immediate danger, watching the last throes of the battle from a rooftop. Her thoughts, however, are of Carrot, hoping he gets home safely. Leonard saunters up next to her, still juggling what appear to be his last three melons.
LEONARD DA QUIRM
[helpfully] It seems to be mainly over.
PRINCESS ANGUA
[distracted] Mm.
LEONARD DA QUIRM
It won't take but a week to get things cleaned up, and then Quirm will be good as new. And the Disc will be rid of people who want to use technology to oppress, rather than help, their fellow man. I shouldn't be very surprised if people like young Stibbons rose to power in the absence of the Empire.
PRINCESS ANGUA
Leonard?
LEONARD DA QUIRM
Yes, Your Grace?
PRINCESS ANGUA
Go suggest that to Vimes. I'm willing to bet you wouldn't be able to find the shade of purple he turns anywhere in your paints.
LEONARD DA QUIRM
Oh, I did already. [pauses mournfully] I don't suppose it would have been so bad had he not been holding a swamp dragon at the time.
PRINCESS ANGUA
Oh no – did he - ?
LEONARD DA QUIRM
Oh, the dragon is fine. However I would have enjoyed disassembling the three Imperial ships that got caught in the fireball. I suppose it's for the best – I understand that so many of my ideas have been used for evil. Maybe it's best if some of them remain forgotten.
PRINCESS ANGUA
I'm sorry, Leonard. [beat] Have you heard anything from Carrot?
LEONARD DA QUIRM
Well, those two droids of Stibbons' seem to have discovered something very exciting about him – that's why I was looking for you.
PRINCESS ANGUA
What - ?
Just then the TARDIS arrives, wheezing and gasping like it is about to break down, and a slightly disheveled Doctor exits hurriedly, though considering his quirky fashion sense, "disheveled" is a relative term. Let us establish a baseline by indicating that the ends of his scarf have been bitten off so they now hang at about waist level and his hair is even more unruly than before and he is missing half of one sleeve of his frockcoat. He approaches Angua.
THE DOCTOR
I have some good news!
PRINCESS ANGUA
Carrot's with you?
THE DOCTOR
No – I've found out what it eats!
PRINCESS ANGUA
What WHAT eats?
THE DOCTOR
Unfortunately, it took a bit of trial and error, but in the process I discovered that a newly-hatched dragonling will take fresh meat. It will also eat most furniture, a set of mithril cookware, an entire bag of jellybabies, several rare specimens from Betelgeuse 4, and Slinkies, among other things. Is its mother anywhere about? I'm quite eager to return him now.
LEONARD DA QUIRM
[sensing a kindred spirit] Are you Quirmish, by chance?
THE DOCTOR
No – Gallifreyan. Why?
LEONARD DA QUIRM
I think you'll find this city very fascinating.
THE DOCTOR
Of course, of course, but first –
He turns on his heel and re-enters the TARDIS, emerging moments later accompanied by Pretty Butterfly, Lotus Blossom, and the hatchling. The young dragon has grown noticeably since it hatched and is now the size of a pony. It is chewing on something metallic, but presently it pauses, swallows, and sniffs the air. Catching a particular scent, it rushes to the edge of the rooftop and chirps happily. The mother Dragon calls from somewhere not very far away, and we see her outline banking around a tall building to rejoin her baby.
THE DOCTOR
Well, it seems my work here is done. [to Leonard] I would love to visit your city very soon – but in the meantime it's going to take *ages* to clean up the TARDIS. It's truly amazing how rambunctious a one-day-old dragon can be. [bows] If you will excuse me…
He ducks back into the TARDIS, which leaves a few moments later.
Angua waits anxiously for a few beats longer, expecting Carrot to show up with his companions.
LEONARD DA QUIRM
Your Grace? Ponder Threepio and Persephone would very much like to speak with you. They were quite insistent.
PRINCESS ANGUA
… all right.
At that moment the roar from the exploding Star Destroyer reaches the Disc. Angua turns, sees the nova, pales, and makes a strangled noise, putting her hand over her mouth. Leonard puts a gentle hand on her shoulder and leads her away from the rooftop.
INT – IVORY TOWER – CORRIDOR
Leonard and Angua pass by Teppic and Chidder headed the other way, carrying between them a large bundle wrapped in a blanket. Chidder nods amiably to the Princess and touches his forelock in greeting. She smiles feebly in response.
She and Leonard enter a parlour, already occupied by Threepio and Persephone.
PERSEPHONE
Are you quite certain? After all, the Star Destroyer was just—
PONDER THREEPIO
[bows, seeing the Princess] Good afternoon, Your Majesty.
PERSEPHONE
[turns] Your Grace.
PRINCESS ANGUA
Leonard tells me you have some news.
PONDER THREEPIO
You look a bit pale… maybe you ought to sit down.
After a moment [during which she is torn between the need to be strong and the slight queasiness in the pit of her stomach from witnessing Carrot's apparent death], she sits.
PONDER THREEPIO
Now, as you know, Persephone and I have been conducting a bit of independent research into the background of Master Carrot, and we've found something I think you'll find very interesting.
He offers her a printout, which she takes with a trembling hand. She reads what is printed there, nearly smiles, but then breaks into a fit of sobbing.
PERSEPHONE
I should think she would have taken the news a bit better than that. I mean, it's *good* news, isn't it?
PONDER THREEPIO
I think we're missing a few crucial pieces of this puzzle. Leonard, might I requisition a hanky from you?
Leonard proffers a small paper box with a linen hanky tucked into the top. Threepio takes the hanky, and another one pops up to replace it. The droid offers the hanky to Angua. She looks up at him with bleary eyes, then takes the hanky and blows her nose..
PRINCESS ANGUA
Don't you get it? It doesn't matter… even if this is true it doesn't matter – I saw the Star Destroyer blow up!
PERSEPHONE
And thus we get to the heart of the matter… You see, Threepio thinks that—
PONDER THREEPIO
I *know* it for a fact, thank you!
PERSEPHONE
Okay, fine…
PRINCESS ANGUA
You know… what?
PONDER THREEPIO
Well, I don't want you rushing off—urk!
Angua has grabbed the protocol droid around his metallic throat [in absence of lapels] and pulled him forward so he is optic sensor to yellow eye with her.
PRINCESS ANGUA
[snarly voice] TELL ME!
PONDER THREEPIO
Master Carrot… is alive, Your Majesty. I've been monitoring his vital signs since he left, in case I should need to organize a rescue mission, and I can tell you for a fact that he's still alive.
She stares at him for a moment, scarcely believing the glimmer of hope he's offered.
PRINCESS ANGUA
Where is he, then? If he's still alive, then where is he? If he made it off the Star Destroyer, then where did he go from there?
PONDER THREEPIO
Er… therein lies the problem. I can't quite determine where – or when – he is. But I can assure you that as soon as he can, he'll come back to you – if my knowledge of human nature serves me well.
PRINCESS ANGUA
I just wish he were here now so I didn't have to worry about him.
PONDER THREEPIO
[pats her hand] It's just a matter of time.
*****
End Part 21.