Joey and Chandler ate their pizzas together and discussed how they would explain things to their friends.
"You want to tell them everything?" Joey asked him.
Chandler sighed. "Yeah, I think it would help, even if it's embarrassing. I just can't understand why I would block out something so basic and obvious as me being a guy. I mean, I've wanted you for years, and I've quit smoking lots of times, but I've never gone this nuts before."
"Maybe the shrink will know what happened. And keep it from happening again. I don't want you to take after your dad *that* much."
Chandler shrugged. "I think I may have been channeling my mom too, with the way she pounces on her boy-toys."
Joey frowned and asked, "Hey, Chandler, when you came onto me--what would you have done if I hadn't kissed you back? If I had been straight?"
Chandler thought about it. "Well, I *did* think you were straight, Joe. Hence me being a woman to be with you. For some reason, I was absolutely sure that the only reason you wouldn't want to date me would be because we were roommates, and it might get weird. But if you rejected me, I had a plan to make you jealous by asking out this cute Brian guy from my office. I was gonna bring him home and make you hear us having sex all the time."
"Whoa!"
Chandler shrugged. "Anyway, if you or he was straight, I guess one of you would probably have pointed it out to me long before any sex started happening."
"I see." Joey frowned. "This Brian guy--is he cuter than me?"
Chandler smiled. "Of course not."
***
Later that evening, everyone but Joey and Chandler was gathered at Monica and Rachel's apartment.
"Where are they, where are they?" Rachel was impatiently pacing around the living room.
"Calm down," Monica said. "You're the one who called them to say when to meet."
"I know! But what's taking them so long? They're just across the hall."
Phoebe asked curiously, "When are you gonna give us a hint about what this meeting's for?"
"I'm sorry, I can't. I'm not really sure myself, and what little I know--" She shut up quickly.
"Yes?" Phoebe prompted her eagerly. "Come on, you're dying to tell us!"
Rachel struggled with her conscience, and fortunately, the guys arrived just then.
They exchanged awkward hellos and joined the group in the living room.
Joey cleared his throat nervously and sat down with Chandler on the couch. "Okay, thanks for coming. So, you guys know how Chandler's been acting weird lately?"
They nodded along, and Phoebe guessed, "Oh, is this the part where we have the talk and send him to a shrink?"
The others glared at her, and Joey shrugged. "Yeah, that, and we have to tell you guys something else. You see, um, I found out that Chandler's been acting like that because... well, he thought he was a woman."
"What?!"
Chandler assured them, "I don't anymore. Joey helped me with that."
Ross asked in disbelief, "How could you think you're a woman? Do you not look in the mirror? Or shower?"
"I know it doesn't make sense!" Chandler looked irritated. "Apparently I blocked stuff out. Look, I'm just as shocked and confused as all you guys, and I wish I could remember falling down and hitting my head on something, which would at least explain some stuff, but I can't."
"Ooh, ooh!" Phoebe speculated, "Maybe Chandler got possessed by a woman's spirit, like that time Mrs. Adelman died on my massage table and hung around until the lesbian wedding. Did anybody nearby you die two weeks ago?"
Chandler rolled his eyes and said, "Not that I know of."
Rachel suggested, more sensibly, "Maybe it was just the stress and nicotine withdrawal. Plus all that leftover trauma from your parents' divorce, you know?"
Chandler appreciated her support. "Yeah, that's what Joey's been telling me, and we'll see if a psychiatrist agrees. I hear you guys have already been looking for one."
They admitted that they had been doing some looking around for him. The group started getting out names and phone numbers that they'd collected.
"Sweetie, we really hope you get better," Monica said, handing over Dr. Weinburg's card.
"Thanks," Chandler replied. "Oh, and in the meantime, can you guys help me out with something?"
"What?"
"It's just, while I thought I was a woman, these weird things kept happening to my memories, and I need help figuring what's real and what's imaginary."
"Like what?"
Chandler gave an example. "Well, why do I remember a guy named Eddie? And another guy named Kip?"
"Those were your other roommates besides me," Joey answered. "*Just* roommates."
Everyone but Rachel was confused by that remark.
Chandler frowned. "Then why was this Eddie guy watching me sleep and naming goldfish crackers after me? That sounds like a creepy, stalker boyfriend."
Everyone looked at Chandler with wide eyes.
Joey explained, "No, he was crazy and trying to scare you because he thought you slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish."
"Why would I kill his fish?"
Joey shrugged, "No idea."
Chandler sighed. "Okay, so what about Kip?"
"He was your roommate before me. He used to date Monica, but then they broke up, and the gang started phasing him out, so he left and got married to somebody."
"Oh, I remember that. We had a fight about a hibachi we bought together."
Joey nodded.
Ross finally spoke up for the gang, "So, wait a minute. When you thought you were a woman, you started thinking that you'd had boyfriends?" He frowned and looked uncomfortable. "You didn't think I was your boyfriend, did you?"
Chandler shook his head. "No, I don't think so. Because, through most of college, you were either moping about Rachel or falling in love with Carol. Right?"
Ross nodded. "Right."
Rachel looked at Ross for a moment, but let it go since she was anxious about Joey and Chandler's current relationship. From what she'd seen, they had clearly had sex, yet Chandler didn't seem at all embarrassed or uncomfortable being with Joey now. Had Joey somehow convinced Chandler that he'd imagined it?
Chandler shrugged pensively. "Apparently, most of my memory is fine about you guys, except for stuff that contradicts the delusion of me being a woman. I mean, I barely remember any girlfriend I had besides Janice."
"Ugh!" they made faces at her name.
Ross remarked, "If only you remembered all your girlfriends *except* Janice! Better yet, if only we didn't remember Janice either."
"I liked Janice," Phoebe commented, and imitated her nasal voice. "Hello, Chandler Bing!"
They laughed, and Chandler had deja vu from the time that Mr. Heckles died, and everyone had been discussing how Chandler broke up with girlfriends for trivial reasons.
Remembering something else, Chandler turned to Joey. "Wait, you--you kissed a guy too? It wasn't just me?"
Joey nodded. "Yeah. I didn't know she was a guy, though. I mean, I guess the Adam's apple should have been a hint..."
The others stared at them.
"You kissed a guy?" Monica asked Chandler. "I mean, besides Joey at New Year's?"
Chandler said, "Ross, tell them the Atlantic City story."
"What? Oh. You sure you want them to know?"
"Well, I just said most of it. I kissed a guy in a bar. With tongue."
"Wow!"
Ross explained the story in more detail for them, not realizing that Chandler had kissed the guy on purpose.
Monica giggled. "So actually, it was pretty easy for Chandler to delude himself into thinking he was a woman."
"Or a gay man," Phoebe said.
Chandler protested, "I didn't delude myself there. I--I am gay."
They gasped and stared at him.
Chandler took Joey's hand and announced, "We're both gay."
"What? Joey's not gay!" Ross scoffed.
"I am," Joey said, and put his arm around Chandler. "By the way, Ross, Chandler kissed that guy on purpose, but you teased him and put him back into the closet."
"I-I did?" Ross blinked.
"It's okay, I don't resent it now." Chandler smiled at Joey, "Let's just think of it as me saving myself for you."
Joey nodded and kissed him sweetly, making the rest of the gang gasp.
"You want to tell them everything?" Joey asked him.
Chandler sighed. "Yeah, I think it would help, even if it's embarrassing. I just can't understand why I would block out something so basic and obvious as me being a guy. I mean, I've wanted you for years, and I've quit smoking lots of times, but I've never gone this nuts before."
"Maybe the shrink will know what happened. And keep it from happening again. I don't want you to take after your dad *that* much."
Chandler shrugged. "I think I may have been channeling my mom too, with the way she pounces on her boy-toys."
Joey frowned and asked, "Hey, Chandler, when you came onto me--what would you have done if I hadn't kissed you back? If I had been straight?"
Chandler thought about it. "Well, I *did* think you were straight, Joe. Hence me being a woman to be with you. For some reason, I was absolutely sure that the only reason you wouldn't want to date me would be because we were roommates, and it might get weird. But if you rejected me, I had a plan to make you jealous by asking out this cute Brian guy from my office. I was gonna bring him home and make you hear us having sex all the time."
"Whoa!"
Chandler shrugged. "Anyway, if you or he was straight, I guess one of you would probably have pointed it out to me long before any sex started happening."
"I see." Joey frowned. "This Brian guy--is he cuter than me?"
Chandler smiled. "Of course not."
***
Later that evening, everyone but Joey and Chandler was gathered at Monica and Rachel's apartment.
"Where are they, where are they?" Rachel was impatiently pacing around the living room.
"Calm down," Monica said. "You're the one who called them to say when to meet."
"I know! But what's taking them so long? They're just across the hall."
Phoebe asked curiously, "When are you gonna give us a hint about what this meeting's for?"
"I'm sorry, I can't. I'm not really sure myself, and what little I know--" She shut up quickly.
"Yes?" Phoebe prompted her eagerly. "Come on, you're dying to tell us!"
Rachel struggled with her conscience, and fortunately, the guys arrived just then.
They exchanged awkward hellos and joined the group in the living room.
Joey cleared his throat nervously and sat down with Chandler on the couch. "Okay, thanks for coming. So, you guys know how Chandler's been acting weird lately?"
They nodded along, and Phoebe guessed, "Oh, is this the part where we have the talk and send him to a shrink?"
The others glared at her, and Joey shrugged. "Yeah, that, and we have to tell you guys something else. You see, um, I found out that Chandler's been acting like that because... well, he thought he was a woman."
"What?!"
Chandler assured them, "I don't anymore. Joey helped me with that."
Ross asked in disbelief, "How could you think you're a woman? Do you not look in the mirror? Or shower?"
"I know it doesn't make sense!" Chandler looked irritated. "Apparently I blocked stuff out. Look, I'm just as shocked and confused as all you guys, and I wish I could remember falling down and hitting my head on something, which would at least explain some stuff, but I can't."
"Ooh, ooh!" Phoebe speculated, "Maybe Chandler got possessed by a woman's spirit, like that time Mrs. Adelman died on my massage table and hung around until the lesbian wedding. Did anybody nearby you die two weeks ago?"
Chandler rolled his eyes and said, "Not that I know of."
Rachel suggested, more sensibly, "Maybe it was just the stress and nicotine withdrawal. Plus all that leftover trauma from your parents' divorce, you know?"
Chandler appreciated her support. "Yeah, that's what Joey's been telling me, and we'll see if a psychiatrist agrees. I hear you guys have already been looking for one."
They admitted that they had been doing some looking around for him. The group started getting out names and phone numbers that they'd collected.
"Sweetie, we really hope you get better," Monica said, handing over Dr. Weinburg's card.
"Thanks," Chandler replied. "Oh, and in the meantime, can you guys help me out with something?"
"What?"
"It's just, while I thought I was a woman, these weird things kept happening to my memories, and I need help figuring what's real and what's imaginary."
"Like what?"
Chandler gave an example. "Well, why do I remember a guy named Eddie? And another guy named Kip?"
"Those were your other roommates besides me," Joey answered. "*Just* roommates."
Everyone but Rachel was confused by that remark.
Chandler frowned. "Then why was this Eddie guy watching me sleep and naming goldfish crackers after me? That sounds like a creepy, stalker boyfriend."
Everyone looked at Chandler with wide eyes.
Joey explained, "No, he was crazy and trying to scare you because he thought you slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish."
"Why would I kill his fish?"
Joey shrugged, "No idea."
Chandler sighed. "Okay, so what about Kip?"
"He was your roommate before me. He used to date Monica, but then they broke up, and the gang started phasing him out, so he left and got married to somebody."
"Oh, I remember that. We had a fight about a hibachi we bought together."
Joey nodded.
Ross finally spoke up for the gang, "So, wait a minute. When you thought you were a woman, you started thinking that you'd had boyfriends?" He frowned and looked uncomfortable. "You didn't think I was your boyfriend, did you?"
Chandler shook his head. "No, I don't think so. Because, through most of college, you were either moping about Rachel or falling in love with Carol. Right?"
Ross nodded. "Right."
Rachel looked at Ross for a moment, but let it go since she was anxious about Joey and Chandler's current relationship. From what she'd seen, they had clearly had sex, yet Chandler didn't seem at all embarrassed or uncomfortable being with Joey now. Had Joey somehow convinced Chandler that he'd imagined it?
Chandler shrugged pensively. "Apparently, most of my memory is fine about you guys, except for stuff that contradicts the delusion of me being a woman. I mean, I barely remember any girlfriend I had besides Janice."
"Ugh!" they made faces at her name.
Ross remarked, "If only you remembered all your girlfriends *except* Janice! Better yet, if only we didn't remember Janice either."
"I liked Janice," Phoebe commented, and imitated her nasal voice. "Hello, Chandler Bing!"
They laughed, and Chandler had deja vu from the time that Mr. Heckles died, and everyone had been discussing how Chandler broke up with girlfriends for trivial reasons.
Remembering something else, Chandler turned to Joey. "Wait, you--you kissed a guy too? It wasn't just me?"
Joey nodded. "Yeah. I didn't know she was a guy, though. I mean, I guess the Adam's apple should have been a hint..."
The others stared at them.
"You kissed a guy?" Monica asked Chandler. "I mean, besides Joey at New Year's?"
Chandler said, "Ross, tell them the Atlantic City story."
"What? Oh. You sure you want them to know?"
"Well, I just said most of it. I kissed a guy in a bar. With tongue."
"Wow!"
Ross explained the story in more detail for them, not realizing that Chandler had kissed the guy on purpose.
Monica giggled. "So actually, it was pretty easy for Chandler to delude himself into thinking he was a woman."
"Or a gay man," Phoebe said.
Chandler protested, "I didn't delude myself there. I--I am gay."
They gasped and stared at him.
Chandler took Joey's hand and announced, "We're both gay."
"What? Joey's not gay!" Ross scoffed.
"I am," Joey said, and put his arm around Chandler. "By the way, Ross, Chandler kissed that guy on purpose, but you teased him and put him back into the closet."
"I-I did?" Ross blinked.
"It's okay, I don't resent it now." Chandler smiled at Joey, "Let's just think of it as me saving myself for you."
Joey nodded and kissed him sweetly, making the rest of the gang gasp.