Wedding Song 6: Help.....
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TUESDAY
" 'Course I don't mind. If it's helpin' him, I'm all for it."
"Then why are you moping around my lab? I swear I can feel heavy, black rain clouds hovering ominously near the ceiling."
"Hey, fine. I'll go back up to my office...."
"Bobby, wait. I didn't mean you should leave. I was only trying...."
"To get me to talk. I know. Sorry. I miss him bein' here to go to lunch with, I guess."
"You have the week off too, you know. You could be with him."
"He asked me not to. Said he had to do this on his own. I'm just glad he's doin' it at all. Things around home.... they're gettin' a little bizarre.... scary too."
"I sensed you were worried about him. Feel like telling me about it?"
Thumping down onto the edge of the admin. chair, Bobby began to relate Darien's sleepwalking routine.
"I just hope he can figure out what it is he's hidin' from. It hurts me to see him this messed up. Besides, he's stealin' my thunder. Bein' the cuckoo-bird in the family's supposed to be my job."
"Bobby, stop that." Claire gently reprimanded him.
"Yeah, yeah."
"That's not the worst of it, is it? I can see in your face there's something else."
"It's not worse. It just.... I guess you'd call it disturbin'. I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know...."
"Know what?"
"Since Friday.... he hasn't held Bobbi once. It's like.... he can't. He won't pick her up... or even touch her. The poor kid.... she knows somethin's not right an' I can tell it's got her all in knots. She only took half a bottle from me this mornin'. She can usually down a full eight ounces an' be beggin' for more."
"Do you think he's really cut off all communication with her?"
"Seems that way."
"I suppose.... after having that little girl practically die in his arms.... being forced to acknowledge that he couldn't save her...."
"Yeah. I thought about that. I really hope Doc Mason pushes like I know she can an' gets him to cough up the crud he's holdin' onto. Maybe then things'll turn back in the right direction...."
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CHERYL MASON'S OFFICE
"Come on in. Have a seat before you fall down."
"I'm okay. Just tired." Darien grunted as he dropped wearily back into the chair he'd occupied the day before.
"Yesterday, tired might have cut it, but not today. Today is total exhaustion, bordering on collapse. What's going on, Darien? Are you having trouble sleeping?"
"Oh, no, I sleep alright. It's *where* I sleep that's the problem." Darien mumbled.
"Meaning?"
"Nothin'. Everything's fine, really. Can we talk about somethin' else?"
"Think again. What's going on, Darien?"
"I'll handle it myself. Don't sweat it, okay?"
"So there is something. You know I'll hear about it from Bobby on Friday."
Darien rolled his eyes slightly and grimaced. "You promised him you'd tell me, didn't you?"
"Sort of."
"So? Let's hear it."
"It's embarrassing..... I can't."
"I don't mind. I've heard the worst things you can imagine. Embarrassing stories are the least of it. Go on."
"Ever since Friday.... I've been sleepwalkin'.... every night. It.... it makes me feel like a little kid. Worse, it makes me think I'll never be in control again."
"When did you lose control?"
Darien gave her a solemn look that said he knew exactly where she was going with that question, but he wasn't yet ready to follow. "I understand. Back to the sleepwalking, hmm? Tell me more."
"It's been happenin' in the early mornings, two, three o'clock. I get outta bed, walk into the living room, line up two chairs in front of the corner then curl up on the floor behind 'em an' go back to sleep."
"Back to sleep."
"Yeah, that's what I said, back to.... oh. Right. I didn't mean that."
"What did you mean?"
"I don't know. You... nobody can go back to sleep if they're already sleepwalkin'. So... maybe that's not what I'm doin'? I mean... I'm not up on the latest psychology stuff, but...."
"No, I think it's quite likely you are sleepwalking. Let's back up a little. Do you remember what you were dreaming this morning?"
"Nah. Lately my dreams are fuzzy.... hazy, like I'm seein' all the action through one of those.... gauzy curtains? I know they're not scary or weird, but that's about all I know."
"How about the other end? How do you feel when you wake up?"
"Confused. I always think I'm still in bed. Bobby usually comes an' wakes me up, gets me back. We have this... connection that sorta sets off an alarm in him when I'm not.... in bed.... damn. That sounds like we're.... we're really not..."
"It's okay. I know. Bobby explained."
"Oh. Good. I mean... we are gettin' married. There is that... element to it, but it's not.... we just aren't....."
"He explained that too."
'Better than I did I hope."
"A little. His description of your first kiss made me want to cry.... and then go find my husband, drag him home and lock the doors behind us for a couple days."
Darien grinned hugely, then turned his head away.
"He has that effect on me too."
"I see that. So, he helps you back to bed. Do you fall asleep again easily, or do you struggle with it?"
"It depends. A couple times it was close to dawn before he came for me. Too much light makes it hard to drift off again. If it's still dark, I can usually get back to sleep."
"Do you have any idea, even a vague notion, about what you might be hiding from behind those chairs?"
"No. Not a damn one."
"You're obviously trying to shield yourself from something."
"I guess."
"Could it have something to do with what happened Friday?"
"I don't think so..... I'm usually pretty good at cleanin' my own closet, ya know, but not this time. I just don't know enough about sleepwalkin' to make sense of the why's an' the how's."
"I think I can help with that. The first thing you need to know is that sleepwalking is one form of what's called a dissociative state. That means your subconscious disconnects from the control center for a short while. Because of the temporary short circuit, the conscious mind doesn't encode any memories of what you do when you're sleepwalking. As far as it's concerned, you never left the bedroom. "
"But.... it's not like I'm breakin' stuff or wanderin' the neighborhood in my boxers...."
"Hollywood myth. Sleepwalkers have been known to perform some fairly complicated tasks, though. Cooking, pouring liquid into a glass without spilling a drop, lighting a cigarette, even driving. They've all been documented by doctors and researchers. I'll admit, what you seem compelled to do isn't that out there, but it does concern me."
"So how do I stop it?"
"You said this didn't start until early Saturday morning, so.... despite what you may want to believe, I think this hiding routine is definitely connected with Friday. We need to get that out into the open. I'd be willing to bet that your dreams may even become clearer once you start talking about what you went through."
"No. No way. I'm not ready..." Darien insisted vehemently. Pulling his legs up into the chair, he wrapped his arms around his bent knees and dropped his face down, effectively making a compact package out of his long body.
"What happened to you that morning, Darien? What is it that you can't bear to look at? What are you hiding from?" Cheryl encouraged, moving to crouch close by his chair.
"I can't, okay? I just can't.... stop it...."
"You can. This is what you came here for, right? To get help, to tell someone what happened? I can help, Darien. I really can, but you have to make a beginning. Right now you're the only one who knows this secret, but it doesn't have to stay that way. Don't try to carry this alone....."
Abruptly, Darien dropped his feet back to the floor, pushed out of the chair and strode toward the door.
"Who *should* be carryin' this, huh? You think I'm gonna dump this on Bobby? It's mine, don't you get that?! My mad, my guilt, mine! I can't just give that up to anybody else!" he cried, angrily swiping tears off his face with one hand as he backed out of the office. "Not yet.... " he added more quietly, slipping his arms into the sleeves of his light jacket and turning to leave.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Darien."
"Maybe, maybe not." He replied, his voice fading as he moved away.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Darien." Cheryl repeated.
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LATE THAT AFTERNOON
Tucked into a secluded corner of the local botanical garden, Darien and Bobby sat quietly facing each other, holding hands and meditating. The original plan had been to grab something to eat then go bowling, but Darien's obvious agitation when Bobby picked him up had changed everything.
Gradually, Bobby pulled away from the peaceful silence in his head and returned to the world. Over the course of the next few minutes, he tuned back in to the sounds of birds chirruping back and forth to one another and occasional breezes urging the leaves above and around him into motion. Only then did he open his eyes to discover the sun was nearly below the horizon. Slowly, he dropped Darien's left hand and reached across to stroke his fiancée's cheek.
"Darien. Hey, you in there, babe?"
"I'm here."
"Now for the really important question. You okay?"
There was a long pause before Darien responded.
"Better."
"You wanna tell me?"
"She pushed, I pushed back. It didn't end well."
"I thought maybe..... She knows you only gave yourself five sessions to get this worked out. Time pressure like that.... she's gonna push a little."
"I know. It's just.... too soon."
"What did she have to say about the sleepwalkin'?"
"A lot of stuff. It happens 'cause my subconscious is short circuiting, she said. That's why I don't remember. She thinks I'm hidin' from what I saw Friday..... that maybe when I can talk about everything, my dreams'll even go back to normal."
"What do you say?"
Darien paused again, but not for such a long stretch.
"Not sure. I as much as told her I didn't know if I was comin' back tomorrow, but..... I have to. I know that. I know I have to tell her.... about the kids.... about all of it.... but it's gonna hurt...."
"It couldn't hurt any worse than keepin' it in here an' lettin' it chew you up...." he said, laying one hand over Darien's heart. The other pressed his own hand over Bobby's.
"You're probably right.... God, I really hope you're right. I'm starved all of a sudden. Time to go get that delayed dinner?"
"Absotively, posolutely." Bobby laughed, visibly relieved that Darien was now expressing hunger instead of anger and frustration. The younger man helped him onto his feet and they walked hand in hand to where their fairly new SUV was parked. "I still can't believe Eberts managed to cadge this for us. It's actually decent transport."
"It's not Golda though." Darien replied, his tone almost wistful.
Halfway into the driver's seat, Bobby halted in mid-motion and craned his neck back to stare in astonishment at his partner.
"You hated Golda."
"I never said that! Maybe at first we didn't get along, but she really grew on me. I never once said I hated her." Darien retorted, moving to the passenger's side and climbing in.
"You put her down every chance you got."
"That was just how our relationship was. She knew I didn't mean it. Me an' the old girl.... we understood each other."
"You can put together a bigger load a'crap than ten pig farmers, you know that, Fawkes? An' faster too."
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me loud an' clear, my friend. You an' my Golda *never* had a understandin'. I took care of her, I fed her an' kept water in her radiator, I changed her oil..... I touched her *soul*!"
"Okay. Sure you did, Bobby."
"See? You're mockin' her right now! Speakin' ill a'the dead.... that's low even for you, Fawkes...."
"I'm not mocking *her*, Hobbes, I'm mocking *you*. Keep your eyes on the road, would you please....."
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TBC......
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TUESDAY
" 'Course I don't mind. If it's helpin' him, I'm all for it."
"Then why are you moping around my lab? I swear I can feel heavy, black rain clouds hovering ominously near the ceiling."
"Hey, fine. I'll go back up to my office...."
"Bobby, wait. I didn't mean you should leave. I was only trying...."
"To get me to talk. I know. Sorry. I miss him bein' here to go to lunch with, I guess."
"You have the week off too, you know. You could be with him."
"He asked me not to. Said he had to do this on his own. I'm just glad he's doin' it at all. Things around home.... they're gettin' a little bizarre.... scary too."
"I sensed you were worried about him. Feel like telling me about it?"
Thumping down onto the edge of the admin. chair, Bobby began to relate Darien's sleepwalking routine.
"I just hope he can figure out what it is he's hidin' from. It hurts me to see him this messed up. Besides, he's stealin' my thunder. Bein' the cuckoo-bird in the family's supposed to be my job."
"Bobby, stop that." Claire gently reprimanded him.
"Yeah, yeah."
"That's not the worst of it, is it? I can see in your face there's something else."
"It's not worse. It just.... I guess you'd call it disturbin'. I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know...."
"Know what?"
"Since Friday.... he hasn't held Bobbi once. It's like.... he can't. He won't pick her up... or even touch her. The poor kid.... she knows somethin's not right an' I can tell it's got her all in knots. She only took half a bottle from me this mornin'. She can usually down a full eight ounces an' be beggin' for more."
"Do you think he's really cut off all communication with her?"
"Seems that way."
"I suppose.... after having that little girl practically die in his arms.... being forced to acknowledge that he couldn't save her...."
"Yeah. I thought about that. I really hope Doc Mason pushes like I know she can an' gets him to cough up the crud he's holdin' onto. Maybe then things'll turn back in the right direction...."
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CHERYL MASON'S OFFICE
"Come on in. Have a seat before you fall down."
"I'm okay. Just tired." Darien grunted as he dropped wearily back into the chair he'd occupied the day before.
"Yesterday, tired might have cut it, but not today. Today is total exhaustion, bordering on collapse. What's going on, Darien? Are you having trouble sleeping?"
"Oh, no, I sleep alright. It's *where* I sleep that's the problem." Darien mumbled.
"Meaning?"
"Nothin'. Everything's fine, really. Can we talk about somethin' else?"
"Think again. What's going on, Darien?"
"I'll handle it myself. Don't sweat it, okay?"
"So there is something. You know I'll hear about it from Bobby on Friday."
Darien rolled his eyes slightly and grimaced. "You promised him you'd tell me, didn't you?"
"Sort of."
"So? Let's hear it."
"It's embarrassing..... I can't."
"I don't mind. I've heard the worst things you can imagine. Embarrassing stories are the least of it. Go on."
"Ever since Friday.... I've been sleepwalkin'.... every night. It.... it makes me feel like a little kid. Worse, it makes me think I'll never be in control again."
"When did you lose control?"
Darien gave her a solemn look that said he knew exactly where she was going with that question, but he wasn't yet ready to follow. "I understand. Back to the sleepwalking, hmm? Tell me more."
"It's been happenin' in the early mornings, two, three o'clock. I get outta bed, walk into the living room, line up two chairs in front of the corner then curl up on the floor behind 'em an' go back to sleep."
"Back to sleep."
"Yeah, that's what I said, back to.... oh. Right. I didn't mean that."
"What did you mean?"
"I don't know. You... nobody can go back to sleep if they're already sleepwalkin'. So... maybe that's not what I'm doin'? I mean... I'm not up on the latest psychology stuff, but...."
"No, I think it's quite likely you are sleepwalking. Let's back up a little. Do you remember what you were dreaming this morning?"
"Nah. Lately my dreams are fuzzy.... hazy, like I'm seein' all the action through one of those.... gauzy curtains? I know they're not scary or weird, but that's about all I know."
"How about the other end? How do you feel when you wake up?"
"Confused. I always think I'm still in bed. Bobby usually comes an' wakes me up, gets me back. We have this... connection that sorta sets off an alarm in him when I'm not.... in bed.... damn. That sounds like we're.... we're really not..."
"It's okay. I know. Bobby explained."
"Oh. Good. I mean... we are gettin' married. There is that... element to it, but it's not.... we just aren't....."
"He explained that too."
'Better than I did I hope."
"A little. His description of your first kiss made me want to cry.... and then go find my husband, drag him home and lock the doors behind us for a couple days."
Darien grinned hugely, then turned his head away.
"He has that effect on me too."
"I see that. So, he helps you back to bed. Do you fall asleep again easily, or do you struggle with it?"
"It depends. A couple times it was close to dawn before he came for me. Too much light makes it hard to drift off again. If it's still dark, I can usually get back to sleep."
"Do you have any idea, even a vague notion, about what you might be hiding from behind those chairs?"
"No. Not a damn one."
"You're obviously trying to shield yourself from something."
"I guess."
"Could it have something to do with what happened Friday?"
"I don't think so..... I'm usually pretty good at cleanin' my own closet, ya know, but not this time. I just don't know enough about sleepwalkin' to make sense of the why's an' the how's."
"I think I can help with that. The first thing you need to know is that sleepwalking is one form of what's called a dissociative state. That means your subconscious disconnects from the control center for a short while. Because of the temporary short circuit, the conscious mind doesn't encode any memories of what you do when you're sleepwalking. As far as it's concerned, you never left the bedroom. "
"But.... it's not like I'm breakin' stuff or wanderin' the neighborhood in my boxers...."
"Hollywood myth. Sleepwalkers have been known to perform some fairly complicated tasks, though. Cooking, pouring liquid into a glass without spilling a drop, lighting a cigarette, even driving. They've all been documented by doctors and researchers. I'll admit, what you seem compelled to do isn't that out there, but it does concern me."
"So how do I stop it?"
"You said this didn't start until early Saturday morning, so.... despite what you may want to believe, I think this hiding routine is definitely connected with Friday. We need to get that out into the open. I'd be willing to bet that your dreams may even become clearer once you start talking about what you went through."
"No. No way. I'm not ready..." Darien insisted vehemently. Pulling his legs up into the chair, he wrapped his arms around his bent knees and dropped his face down, effectively making a compact package out of his long body.
"What happened to you that morning, Darien? What is it that you can't bear to look at? What are you hiding from?" Cheryl encouraged, moving to crouch close by his chair.
"I can't, okay? I just can't.... stop it...."
"You can. This is what you came here for, right? To get help, to tell someone what happened? I can help, Darien. I really can, but you have to make a beginning. Right now you're the only one who knows this secret, but it doesn't have to stay that way. Don't try to carry this alone....."
Abruptly, Darien dropped his feet back to the floor, pushed out of the chair and strode toward the door.
"Who *should* be carryin' this, huh? You think I'm gonna dump this on Bobby? It's mine, don't you get that?! My mad, my guilt, mine! I can't just give that up to anybody else!" he cried, angrily swiping tears off his face with one hand as he backed out of the office. "Not yet.... " he added more quietly, slipping his arms into the sleeves of his light jacket and turning to leave.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Darien."
"Maybe, maybe not." He replied, his voice fading as he moved away.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Darien." Cheryl repeated.
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LATE THAT AFTERNOON
Tucked into a secluded corner of the local botanical garden, Darien and Bobby sat quietly facing each other, holding hands and meditating. The original plan had been to grab something to eat then go bowling, but Darien's obvious agitation when Bobby picked him up had changed everything.
Gradually, Bobby pulled away from the peaceful silence in his head and returned to the world. Over the course of the next few minutes, he tuned back in to the sounds of birds chirruping back and forth to one another and occasional breezes urging the leaves above and around him into motion. Only then did he open his eyes to discover the sun was nearly below the horizon. Slowly, he dropped Darien's left hand and reached across to stroke his fiancée's cheek.
"Darien. Hey, you in there, babe?"
"I'm here."
"Now for the really important question. You okay?"
There was a long pause before Darien responded.
"Better."
"You wanna tell me?"
"She pushed, I pushed back. It didn't end well."
"I thought maybe..... She knows you only gave yourself five sessions to get this worked out. Time pressure like that.... she's gonna push a little."
"I know. It's just.... too soon."
"What did she have to say about the sleepwalkin'?"
"A lot of stuff. It happens 'cause my subconscious is short circuiting, she said. That's why I don't remember. She thinks I'm hidin' from what I saw Friday..... that maybe when I can talk about everything, my dreams'll even go back to normal."
"What do you say?"
Darien paused again, but not for such a long stretch.
"Not sure. I as much as told her I didn't know if I was comin' back tomorrow, but..... I have to. I know that. I know I have to tell her.... about the kids.... about all of it.... but it's gonna hurt...."
"It couldn't hurt any worse than keepin' it in here an' lettin' it chew you up...." he said, laying one hand over Darien's heart. The other pressed his own hand over Bobby's.
"You're probably right.... God, I really hope you're right. I'm starved all of a sudden. Time to go get that delayed dinner?"
"Absotively, posolutely." Bobby laughed, visibly relieved that Darien was now expressing hunger instead of anger and frustration. The younger man helped him onto his feet and they walked hand in hand to where their fairly new SUV was parked. "I still can't believe Eberts managed to cadge this for us. It's actually decent transport."
"It's not Golda though." Darien replied, his tone almost wistful.
Halfway into the driver's seat, Bobby halted in mid-motion and craned his neck back to stare in astonishment at his partner.
"You hated Golda."
"I never said that! Maybe at first we didn't get along, but she really grew on me. I never once said I hated her." Darien retorted, moving to the passenger's side and climbing in.
"You put her down every chance you got."
"That was just how our relationship was. She knew I didn't mean it. Me an' the old girl.... we understood each other."
"You can put together a bigger load a'crap than ten pig farmers, you know that, Fawkes? An' faster too."
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me loud an' clear, my friend. You an' my Golda *never* had a understandin'. I took care of her, I fed her an' kept water in her radiator, I changed her oil..... I touched her *soul*!"
"Okay. Sure you did, Bobby."
"See? You're mockin' her right now! Speakin' ill a'the dead.... that's low even for you, Fawkes...."
"I'm not mocking *her*, Hobbes, I'm mocking *you*. Keep your eyes on the road, would you please....."
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TBC......