Wedding Song 8: We Are Family
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"I'm really sorry about yesterday."
"What in the world could you possibly have to be sorry for?"
"What I did. I totally copped out. I just get goin, I'm thinkin' maybe I can talk about it..... then I give up. I run an' hide like I always do."
"Did you happen to notice I went with you?"
"I noticed, an' I need to thank you for that, but it doesn't change anything."
"You didn't cop out, Darien. Not even close."
"I did, though. I should've been strong enough to keep talkin'.... get it all out there an' then."
"Who says?"
"Huh? I do, I guess. I count, don't I?"
"Of course you count. I'm just trying to get across to you that almost noone I've ever counseled has told me everything in one shot. Anyone who can is either a superhero or their traumatic experience.... wasn't."
"Seriously? Not even Bobby?"
"Especially Bobby. He still has things buried that we haven't dealt with and he's been coming here for years. You made a really strong start yesterday, so today you get a break as a reward."
"Yeah? From talkin' about Friday, or from talkin' period?"
"I'm not that easy. After you left yesterday, your bio finally arrived from your employer. I'd like to spend a little time talking about your family."
"I knew you weren't about to let go of that. Damn...."
"You were forewarned. I did say it would only be off limits temporarily."
"Can I just chew on a handful of nuts and bolts instead? Maybe I could go find Bin Laden, hold him down and shave off his beard?"
Cheryl chuckled, but shook her head.
"Imaginative ideas, but no."
"Man... I'm already tired an' stressed. Why bring this up now?"
"Are you open to trying something a bit unusual to get your answer?"
"Yeah....."
"Okay. Close your eyes. Visualize a long chain link fence in front of you. It's so long that you can't see either end. See yourself walking up to the fence..... and slamming the palm of one hand into the mesh. Does only the area directly under your hand vibrate?"
" 'Course not. The whole thing shakes."
"Because?"
"It's all one piece. Apply force to one area, it transfers to the whole unit. It's the ripple effect."
"Precisely. Very good. Time for an intuition test. What's my point?"
Darien tucked his chin into his chest and thought for a minute or two, then met Cheryl's eyes again and gave her his answer.
"The fence is me.... my life. Any impact, even a small one in a small spot, is gonna shake everything else up."
"Enough hard blows and the fence will collapse. I need to know about your family so I can better evaluate how long and how hard you've been shaken."
"Wait, wait, wait. Hold up a minute. You're sayin' maybe Friday.... wasn't completely about Friday?"
"Maybe. I haven't heard the whole story yet. I won't make any conclusions until I have all the necessary information."
"You don't think five days is gonna cut it do you?"
"I'm not sure yet. Nothing's planned, I promise you that. I'm still waiting, thinking. Let's see how you do tomorrow then we'll talk. So. Family?"
"If good old Osama's not in town..... I guess so. What'd you wanna know?"
"You said Monday that you assumed your mom was still around somewhere." Cheryl said, reaching behind her to retrieve his bio. "According to this, though, she's...."
".... dead." Darien broke in. "Yeah, she is. I don't even really remember sayin' that. Wishful Freudian slip."
"You've gone through a lot of major losses in your life. Both your parents gone, your brother murdered....."
"They didn't happen all that close together so it wasn't as hard as it could have been. And my.... biological father isn't dead. Not for lack of effort, that's for sure. I keep askin', God's just not cooperatin'."
"You don't call him that just on a whim."
"No. My uncle was more of a dad than I ever deserved. The other guy.... he was a genetic donor. Nothin' else."
"He left at a particularly bad time didn't he?"
"What would you consider a *good* time to walk out on your kid?" Darien growled, sitting forward. "Look, we can talk about anybody else.... even Kevin, just get off my bastard of a father! I said he was off limits an' I meant it."
"Pain doesn't respect limits and boundaries, I'm afraid. Walling off your rage and hurt at being abandoned just guarantees that those emotions will show up someplace else, usually at a moment when you don't expect them, have no hope of controlling them and can least afford to be blindsided by them."
Abruptly, Darien's thoughts shifted into the past, not to the death of the four children the previous Friday, but much further back, to the robbery and subsequent murder, which had resulted in his last trip to prison. A revelation struck him like a physical blow and he suddenly found himself struggling to draw breath. "Darien? What's wrong?"
"N-nothing. I.... I'm okay..... just.... gimme a minute."
"What happened? And don't say nothing. I was watching you and I know better."
"I just.... I realized.... somethin' I never did before."
"What was that?"
"Oh, no. Sorry. This is..... you got my record in there?"
"Yes."
"All I can say right now.... is it has to do with my last bust."
Quickly, Cheryl scanned Darien's prison record until she found the last arrest, giving him the needed time to calm down and regain his breath.
"This says you were arrested for robbery and.... accessory to murder. Do you mind if I ask...."
"Why I'm free? I don't mind. The answer's pretty simple. I didn't kill anybody, but my butt was still in a nasty, twenty-five-to-life sling for even bein' there. Next thing I know, my brother's offerin' me a get outta jail free card.... only it wasn't so free. Ta-dah, I'm a government agent."
"That's a nice segue back into what were talking about. Tell me more about your brother."
"Not much to talk about. He was shot by somebody at the lab he worked in."
"Go back a few years, then. Tell me about how the two of you related after your father's disappearance and your mother's death."
Glancing at his watch, Darien looked back up at Cheryl and grinned.
"Sorry. I'm off the hook." he told her smugly, rising and strolling to the coat rack.
"Only until tomorrow." she countered, following him and watching from the doorway as he eagerly embraced Bobby, who was waiting for his fiancée in the outer office.
"Rough session, babe?"
"You don't know the half of it. Let's get outta here."
"An' go where?"
"The garden again, then home."
"What about dinner..."
"We can order in, okay? I need to talk to you." Darien told him tersely as he slid into the passenger's side of the SUV and buckled his belt.
"Okay. Whatever you want, kid." Bobby replied, starting the engine and carefully pulling away from the curb.
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Just over an hour later, the couple was on the couch at home, having a "Serious Discussion" while they waited for the food to arrive.
"Slow down, baby. Slow way down an' tell me again."
"I'm sorry. This is just so huge... an' scary. I don't know what to do with it."
"Why didn't you tell the doc when it happened?"
Tucked into Bobby's chest, Darien sighed and briefly shut his eyes, his brow wrinkled in frustration.
"I don't know. I probably will tomorrow. In the moment, it just fit what she was tellin' me to a T.... an' I didn't want her to be right."
"Makes sense. I feel like that all the time. That means she's right a lot, but.... she can't help that. Now, tell me one more time, okay? Breathe slow.... try an' stay calm. Remember, I've got you. You're safe to say anything or feel anything you have to."
"She was talkin' about my dad.... how I couldn't just stuff all the anger and pain he left me with.... 'cause it would come up again when I wasn't ready to handle it. I got this flash all of a sudden.... I always thought I knew exactly how the robbery played out that night. I made myself forget.... I must have."
"What did you forget?"
"That he called me son. The guard called me son. For no sane reason, I got.... furious.... madder than I'd ever been. Then it went away.... an' I was just empty. I didn't care, about him, the robbery.... nothing. I watched Brian sneak up behind the guy. I just... watched. I knew Brian had an itchy trigger finger, but I turned.... an' I ran. I didn't give a damn what could happen to the guard.... what Brian might do..... It was that word.... him calling me son. All the stuff I never got to say to my dad.... or let myself feel about what he did to us. It all showed up that night.... an' it got a man killed."
"But you didn't shoot him."
"No, I just let it happen...."
"It still ain't your fault. If it helps, I forgive you, okay? I'll say it a million more times if that's what it'll take to make you hear it. Besides, all the lives you've saved since, mine included? You more than made up for your mistakes."
"It helps. It really does. Once more oughta be enough..... for tonight anyway." Darien responded, swiping at an errant tear. Bobby leaned down close to his partner's ear and whispered the words again.
"I forgive you, love. For now, forever. Anything an' everything. You're gonna be okay. We'll get through this. You're not alone.... never alone, you know that, right?"
"I know.... damn, what'd I do to deserve you, huh?"
"That's supposed to be my question...." Bobby contradicted, laughing. His sentence was cut off when a knock on the door indicated that the food had arrived. "You ready to eat?"
"Yeah, I actually think I am."
"Good, cause I'm not facin' all this Mexican food by myself." Hobbes warned as they both got to their feet.
"Not like you couldn't...." Darien teased.
"Excuse me? What was that, bottomless pit boy?"
"Please! I've seen you eat, Bobby! You could inhale twice what we ordered tonight an' still have room for dessert...."
"Oh, yeah? An' who was it that practically swallowed two pizzas whole when we went out three weeks ago? An' never gained a single ounce, either." Bobby grumbled this last on his way to the door.
"Yeah, well, you get a gland shoved in your brain that quadruples your metabolism when you use it, then we'll talk....."
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TBC........
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"I'm really sorry about yesterday."
"What in the world could you possibly have to be sorry for?"
"What I did. I totally copped out. I just get goin, I'm thinkin' maybe I can talk about it..... then I give up. I run an' hide like I always do."
"Did you happen to notice I went with you?"
"I noticed, an' I need to thank you for that, but it doesn't change anything."
"You didn't cop out, Darien. Not even close."
"I did, though. I should've been strong enough to keep talkin'.... get it all out there an' then."
"Who says?"
"Huh? I do, I guess. I count, don't I?"
"Of course you count. I'm just trying to get across to you that almost noone I've ever counseled has told me everything in one shot. Anyone who can is either a superhero or their traumatic experience.... wasn't."
"Seriously? Not even Bobby?"
"Especially Bobby. He still has things buried that we haven't dealt with and he's been coming here for years. You made a really strong start yesterday, so today you get a break as a reward."
"Yeah? From talkin' about Friday, or from talkin' period?"
"I'm not that easy. After you left yesterday, your bio finally arrived from your employer. I'd like to spend a little time talking about your family."
"I knew you weren't about to let go of that. Damn...."
"You were forewarned. I did say it would only be off limits temporarily."
"Can I just chew on a handful of nuts and bolts instead? Maybe I could go find Bin Laden, hold him down and shave off his beard?"
Cheryl chuckled, but shook her head.
"Imaginative ideas, but no."
"Man... I'm already tired an' stressed. Why bring this up now?"
"Are you open to trying something a bit unusual to get your answer?"
"Yeah....."
"Okay. Close your eyes. Visualize a long chain link fence in front of you. It's so long that you can't see either end. See yourself walking up to the fence..... and slamming the palm of one hand into the mesh. Does only the area directly under your hand vibrate?"
" 'Course not. The whole thing shakes."
"Because?"
"It's all one piece. Apply force to one area, it transfers to the whole unit. It's the ripple effect."
"Precisely. Very good. Time for an intuition test. What's my point?"
Darien tucked his chin into his chest and thought for a minute or two, then met Cheryl's eyes again and gave her his answer.
"The fence is me.... my life. Any impact, even a small one in a small spot, is gonna shake everything else up."
"Enough hard blows and the fence will collapse. I need to know about your family so I can better evaluate how long and how hard you've been shaken."
"Wait, wait, wait. Hold up a minute. You're sayin' maybe Friday.... wasn't completely about Friday?"
"Maybe. I haven't heard the whole story yet. I won't make any conclusions until I have all the necessary information."
"You don't think five days is gonna cut it do you?"
"I'm not sure yet. Nothing's planned, I promise you that. I'm still waiting, thinking. Let's see how you do tomorrow then we'll talk. So. Family?"
"If good old Osama's not in town..... I guess so. What'd you wanna know?"
"You said Monday that you assumed your mom was still around somewhere." Cheryl said, reaching behind her to retrieve his bio. "According to this, though, she's...."
".... dead." Darien broke in. "Yeah, she is. I don't even really remember sayin' that. Wishful Freudian slip."
"You've gone through a lot of major losses in your life. Both your parents gone, your brother murdered....."
"They didn't happen all that close together so it wasn't as hard as it could have been. And my.... biological father isn't dead. Not for lack of effort, that's for sure. I keep askin', God's just not cooperatin'."
"You don't call him that just on a whim."
"No. My uncle was more of a dad than I ever deserved. The other guy.... he was a genetic donor. Nothin' else."
"He left at a particularly bad time didn't he?"
"What would you consider a *good* time to walk out on your kid?" Darien growled, sitting forward. "Look, we can talk about anybody else.... even Kevin, just get off my bastard of a father! I said he was off limits an' I meant it."
"Pain doesn't respect limits and boundaries, I'm afraid. Walling off your rage and hurt at being abandoned just guarantees that those emotions will show up someplace else, usually at a moment when you don't expect them, have no hope of controlling them and can least afford to be blindsided by them."
Abruptly, Darien's thoughts shifted into the past, not to the death of the four children the previous Friday, but much further back, to the robbery and subsequent murder, which had resulted in his last trip to prison. A revelation struck him like a physical blow and he suddenly found himself struggling to draw breath. "Darien? What's wrong?"
"N-nothing. I.... I'm okay..... just.... gimme a minute."
"What happened? And don't say nothing. I was watching you and I know better."
"I just.... I realized.... somethin' I never did before."
"What was that?"
"Oh, no. Sorry. This is..... you got my record in there?"
"Yes."
"All I can say right now.... is it has to do with my last bust."
Quickly, Cheryl scanned Darien's prison record until she found the last arrest, giving him the needed time to calm down and regain his breath.
"This says you were arrested for robbery and.... accessory to murder. Do you mind if I ask...."
"Why I'm free? I don't mind. The answer's pretty simple. I didn't kill anybody, but my butt was still in a nasty, twenty-five-to-life sling for even bein' there. Next thing I know, my brother's offerin' me a get outta jail free card.... only it wasn't so free. Ta-dah, I'm a government agent."
"That's a nice segue back into what were talking about. Tell me more about your brother."
"Not much to talk about. He was shot by somebody at the lab he worked in."
"Go back a few years, then. Tell me about how the two of you related after your father's disappearance and your mother's death."
Glancing at his watch, Darien looked back up at Cheryl and grinned.
"Sorry. I'm off the hook." he told her smugly, rising and strolling to the coat rack.
"Only until tomorrow." she countered, following him and watching from the doorway as he eagerly embraced Bobby, who was waiting for his fiancée in the outer office.
"Rough session, babe?"
"You don't know the half of it. Let's get outta here."
"An' go where?"
"The garden again, then home."
"What about dinner..."
"We can order in, okay? I need to talk to you." Darien told him tersely as he slid into the passenger's side of the SUV and buckled his belt.
"Okay. Whatever you want, kid." Bobby replied, starting the engine and carefully pulling away from the curb.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
Just over an hour later, the couple was on the couch at home, having a "Serious Discussion" while they waited for the food to arrive.
"Slow down, baby. Slow way down an' tell me again."
"I'm sorry. This is just so huge... an' scary. I don't know what to do with it."
"Why didn't you tell the doc when it happened?"
Tucked into Bobby's chest, Darien sighed and briefly shut his eyes, his brow wrinkled in frustration.
"I don't know. I probably will tomorrow. In the moment, it just fit what she was tellin' me to a T.... an' I didn't want her to be right."
"Makes sense. I feel like that all the time. That means she's right a lot, but.... she can't help that. Now, tell me one more time, okay? Breathe slow.... try an' stay calm. Remember, I've got you. You're safe to say anything or feel anything you have to."
"She was talkin' about my dad.... how I couldn't just stuff all the anger and pain he left me with.... 'cause it would come up again when I wasn't ready to handle it. I got this flash all of a sudden.... I always thought I knew exactly how the robbery played out that night. I made myself forget.... I must have."
"What did you forget?"
"That he called me son. The guard called me son. For no sane reason, I got.... furious.... madder than I'd ever been. Then it went away.... an' I was just empty. I didn't care, about him, the robbery.... nothing. I watched Brian sneak up behind the guy. I just... watched. I knew Brian had an itchy trigger finger, but I turned.... an' I ran. I didn't give a damn what could happen to the guard.... what Brian might do..... It was that word.... him calling me son. All the stuff I never got to say to my dad.... or let myself feel about what he did to us. It all showed up that night.... an' it got a man killed."
"But you didn't shoot him."
"No, I just let it happen...."
"It still ain't your fault. If it helps, I forgive you, okay? I'll say it a million more times if that's what it'll take to make you hear it. Besides, all the lives you've saved since, mine included? You more than made up for your mistakes."
"It helps. It really does. Once more oughta be enough..... for tonight anyway." Darien responded, swiping at an errant tear. Bobby leaned down close to his partner's ear and whispered the words again.
"I forgive you, love. For now, forever. Anything an' everything. You're gonna be okay. We'll get through this. You're not alone.... never alone, you know that, right?"
"I know.... damn, what'd I do to deserve you, huh?"
"That's supposed to be my question...." Bobby contradicted, laughing. His sentence was cut off when a knock on the door indicated that the food had arrived. "You ready to eat?"
"Yeah, I actually think I am."
"Good, cause I'm not facin' all this Mexican food by myself." Hobbes warned as they both got to their feet.
"Not like you couldn't...." Darien teased.
"Excuse me? What was that, bottomless pit boy?"
"Please! I've seen you eat, Bobby! You could inhale twice what we ordered tonight an' still have room for dessert...."
"Oh, yeah? An' who was it that practically swallowed two pizzas whole when we went out three weeks ago? An' never gained a single ounce, either." Bobby grumbled this last on his way to the door.
"Yeah, well, you get a gland shoved in your brain that quadruples your metabolism when you use it, then we'll talk....."
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TBC........