A Wedding Song 24 : I Will Survive
The lyrics at the end of the first scene aren't mine, obviously. I wish they were. They're some of the most beautiful love song lyrics I think I've ever come across. (Ice Castles was an excellent movie too!)
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FOLLOWING WED. -- 7:00 A.M. : BOBBY'S OFFICE
"We didn't talk about gettin' presents for each other, Fawkes. I didn't...."
"Yeah you did, but we'll get to that later. Just open it, okay?"
Shaking slightly, Bobby approached the large, flat package leaning against the back of his couch. By it's shape and size, he'd already decided it was a painting, but it was the unknown subject of the piece that was making him nervous. Having seen several examples of Darien's artistic ability, both light and dark, Bobby could only wonder which this would be and try to prepare an appropriate reaction for both. Slowly, he used a thumbnail to slit the paper near the top then he pulled the brown wrapping straight down. What was revealed made him step back suddenly, frantically sorting out his emotions. All thoughts he'd been gathering fled and took his breath with them.
"Ari.... God, it's.... I don't know what to.... that's not me...."
"It's Bobby Hobbes through my eyes. This is how I see you."
Still recovering his composure, Bobby stared at the canvas before him, drinking it in whole, then picking out different aspects to focus on. The background of the painting was a deep, rich gray, but the piece itself was not dark or maudlin in tone. Instead, it seemed to explode with color and life. His gaze flicked from one image of himself to another; here he clasped Bobbi to his chest, a beatific smile on his face, and here he sat on their couch at home, head drooping back in exhaustion and eyes heavy lidded.
"But....all the drawin's you had to make... when did you..... "
"Too many times to count. You remember what we were doing that Thursday morning?"
"The one before Hell An' Back Friday you mean? Playin' hurry up an' wait mostly. I was tryin' to get my vows down on paper. You were.... damn. You were sketchin' an' you wouldn't let me see."
"That's this one." Darien replied, singling out one of the myriad images by pointing to it. "When you know the words are in you, but you can't make 'em come out, you get this look on your face. The frustration, anger, worry.... It makes me sad an' I always wish I could help.... but I know it'll just make it worse if I butt in, so I've learned to let you work it out on your own. You usually find a way."
"The tapes.... all the songs I picked for you while you were pregnant. I was never sure if you got why I was doin' it that way instead a'just... talkin'."
"I knew. Those tapes... they're your version of love letters. I thought about tyin' 'em together with pink ribbon or pressin' some flowers in between the cases, but..."
"Too much. Yeah, I agree. Glad you got your head on straight, there pal." Bobby chuckled softly while skimming his gaze over the rest of the painting. He stopped on one particular part and reached out to touch it with one finger. "This... the one of me an' Bobbi. Why'd you put white around just that one?"
"White's supposed to mean pure, right? When you put her on your shoulder like that, walkin' around tryin' to get her back to sleep.... that's what I see in your face. Pure love, pure joy, pure peace.... it's almost like there's this light around the both of you. I tried to paint it the way I see it, but.... it was never quite right. I almost got it perfect. Almost...."
Gazing back, Bobby pinned Darien with his most serious expression, flames dancing in his eyes.
"You change one brush stroke an' you'll never see ice cream again, you understand?"
"Yeah, but..."
Bobby now turned fully around to face his husband to be.
"Not a scoop, not a spoonful. Not even a snow-cone is gonna touch your lips from now until the day you croak. I can make it happen."
Darien laughed and pulled Bobby to him, hugging him fiercely.
"Okay, okay. I get it. I'm just being an artist, Bobby. My high school art teacher said that pretty much every creative person has a ' can't leave good enough alone' streak. They finish something, look at it an' decide that if only one tiny thing were different it'd be perfect. They fix that, but then they see something else that could be tweaked an' pretty soon whatever it was ends up trashed. Artists, writers... we have to learn to kick butt on the perfectionist part of ourselves, that's all. I won't change your painting, I promise."
"Damn right. I like it how it is." Bobby responded, half turning to examine his present again. "It's so incredible, Ari. You musta been workin' on this for months."
"The painting took about a week. The sketches...."
Darien turned away and walked to the corner, opening the small cabinet Bobby had given him to store his things. Digging, he produced a drawing pad, brought it back to where Hobbes waited and handed it to him. "Here. Go ahead an' look."
"These... they're all me or Bobbi. How long..."
"About a year. There's some of Claire in there too, but, yeah, mostly... it's family."
"Family.... The weddin's in three days. We ain't taken care a'your half of our little deal yet."
"I know. I've been tryin' not to think about it."
"You need to finish it with Kev, babe. Like Claire says, we shouldn't bring any old crap into our new life."
"I'm not so sure about that deal anymore. If I go see him, I'm gonna end up losin' my temper, I know it."
"That's okay. I did it with Viv."
"Yeah, but Kevin can't yell back. How fair is it for me to get pissed an' scream my throat raw at somebody who's not around to defend himself?"
"Don't matter if it's fair or not. Goin' back to the cemetery.... it ain't about Kev. It's about you."
"Bobby..."
"It's time. You know it is."
Eventually, Darien nodded.
"After I get done with Cheryl today.... I need to talk some of this through with her."
"That'll work."
"Bring Bobbi when you come pick me up, okay? Even if she can't met him face to face... she should know she had an uncle."
"Yeah."
"Hey, can I ask a huge favor?"
"Anything."
"Can I borrow your present to add to the three I'm bringin' to my session today? I really think Cheryl'd like to see it. She asked me a couple weeks ago what my perspective on you and our relationship was. It didn't come out too well in words. If she sees this.... she'll get it."
"I guess. You did change your mind about showin' her the Milky Way of Death picture, right? Tell me you did."
"She wants to see samples of my work, Bobby. I'm not gonna hide anything from her. So it's dark. I'm way past that now."
"Yeah, but you were paintin' that way 'cause a'me. She's gonna ask..."
"Probably. I won't tell her if you don't want me to."
Bobby thought hard for a few minutes before he responded.
"Tell her. It's proof that we can be get through anything and hold together. Even my stupidity."
"Bert...."
"I know, I know. I'm gettin' better. I don't talk myself down half as much as I used to."
"Yeah, well, the next time you get the urge, think about your painting. See yourself the way I see you. "
"I try.... you're the only one...."
Bobby struggled for a moment, then gave up, his face taking on the look that Darien was so familiar with; the one that said he desperately wanted to express himself, but did not yet understand how to turn his yearning into reality. Moving away for a moment, Darien walked to the desk and returned with his ever-present Walkman. After using the head-set to cue up the tape to the right song, He transferred the headphones from his ears to Bobby's. The other man promptly pulled them off, but Darien held his fiancée's face in his hands and spoke quietly to him.
"When I say I love you, you believe me. When I say you saved my life and gave me back my soul, you believe me, Why can't you believe it when I tell you you're beautiful and good and strong?"
"Ari, don't.... c'mon...."
"No. You showed me that sometimes music can do what words can't. You look at the painting I made for you.... and you listen. Listen and believe...."
Turning Bobby around, Darien resettled the earphones and hit the play button.
### Please, don't let this feeling end.
It's everything I am, everything I want to be.
Reaching out to touch you, I can feel so much,
Since I found you, looking through the eyes of love.
Now, I can take the time,
I can see my life as it comes up shining now.
Reaching out to touch you, I can feel so much,
Since I found you, looking through the eyes of love.
And now, I do believe that even in the storm we'll find some light.
Knowing you're beside me, I'm alright....###
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"Darien.... these are magnificent. You're very talented." Cheryl said as she looked at the paintings one by one. After spending several minutes on each of the first three, she came to one of several he'd produced while working through Bobby's temporary abandonment. Gazing intently at the canvas, she moved closer to read the tiny words he'd incorporated into the dark spiral. Pulling back, she turned to Darien, her expression curious and a bit sad.
"Death, betrayal, fury.... intense. Very different from the rest. Where did this one come from?"
"A really, really bad mood."
"More."
"Bobby. He hurt me... broke my heart. He'd known for a while that he was gonna have a kid, but he wouldn't let it sink in, I guess. Then he heard Bobbi Claire's heartbeat in an ultrasound session.... it got too real too fast, he says. Right around the same time he was figurin' out he was in love with me. The combo kinda... blew his circuits and he ran away for two weeks. I was so mad an' depressed.... I thought he was sayin' he didn't want me. And just the thought that he could leave town with his baby on the way.... it made it worse. That wasn't the guy I thought I knew. This came from how I was feelin' at the time. This an' a few more like it." He explained, waving vaguely at the painting, but not looking at it for more than a few seconds at a time.
"It bothers you to remember."
"A little. I'm usually a pretty happy person. Over those two weeks, I went to some nasty places inside me... places I didn't know existed."
"If there were no darkness, we wouldn't recognize light."
"And vice versa."
"Very good." Cheryl acknowledged, moving back to examine the multi-image painting of Bobby. "It seems you've moved well beyond.... what shall we call it, your black period?"
"Definitely. This one is the first I've done in a few weeks, though. The kids... you know. I took some time off. So, does this answer your question about my perspective better than I did?"
"You answered the question just fine, but the painting does add something to the equation. You show amazing insight into all the layers he claims he doesn't have. What did Bobby say when he saw it?"
"Not much. When he could talk again one of the first things he said was ' That's not me. ' I told him it was him alright, just from my point of view. We never see ourselves the way everyone else does. It's impossible."
"More insight. Wow. Speaking of having layers...."
Darien laughed and turned away.
"Sometimes. Other times I'm about as deep as a thin crust pizza. Look.... I need to talk to you about something I'm plannin' for after we get done today." He requested, dropping into his favorite chair.
"Sounds serious. Go on."
"Did Bobby tell you about the blow out he had with Viv?"
"In graphic detail. I'm glad it finally happened, actually. He's been hoarding anger and fear about their break-up for a long time. It did him a lot of good to let go of that."
"I know. We talked about it some... before the fireworks. I tried to tell him he needed to at least call her and tell her about us... about the wedding. He said he would if I'd be close by for support. Then she just showed up.... you know the rest."
"I do. Now tell me the part I haven't heard"
"When we were talkin' about him callin' her, we sorta... made a deal. He wouldn't even think about gettin' in touch with his ex unless I agreed to go back an' see my brother."
"How long has it been?"
"Eighteen months. A little more maybe."
"And? Let's hear some reasons."
"Not so long ago I didn't have any. Now... I understand stuff better. I understand myself better. I haven't gone back to the cemetery 'cause I was so mad I was afraid of what might happen. I wasn't sure I could stay in control."
"Okay. You're angry. Perfectly normal. Angry about what?"
"He's supposed to be here. With all the crap I've gone through I needed my brother. Bobbi needs her Uncle Kevin. He's supposed to be at my wedding.... he had no right to die. He's the one who got me into this government gig in the first place. Then he just.... I mean, I was scared outta my mind and I had nobody to talk to... nobody to answer my questions...."
"You must have felt very alone."
"Completely. I hated it..... hated him."
"Have you ever told him that?"
"Kinda. The last time I went to see him I.... I yelled a little, but it was about him not to him. I ragged on Kev to the people that were with me. They kept me from losin' it. Trust me, it coulda been a serious mess.... I'm really lucky they were there."
"Would that have been such a terrible thing? If you had lost it, I mean."
"In the cemetery, in broad daylight? Well... yeah. Normal people aren't supposed to kick an' scream an' say bad words in public. The cops don't like it. It leads to handcuffs and little cement cells.... stuff I'm not too eager to get into again."
"I don't know. Melt down in front of Starbucks, you might have a problem, but at your brother's grave, it's a different story."
"Not four years after he died it isn't."
"Darien....give yourself a break. You've got a lot of justified rage and confusion bottled up. Taking the lid off carefully might succeed in releasing the pressure, but it won't feel half as good as just popping your cork and finally telling Kevin how you really feel."
"I've never been able to do that.... just yell at him. Even when he was bein' a complete ass. He was my big brother. He looked out for me, he took care of me.... it didn't feel right."
"You're not that little boy anymore, Darien. You're an adult with a family of your own and adults are allowed to get mad at each other. They're even allowed to swear. I assume you do know how to do that?"
The witticism caught Darien off guard and he laughed.
"I was in prison. I know words.... let's just say I can get creative when I have to. Seriously, though.... if I tell him what's in my heart an' let myself be angry at him... will that be all I ever feel when I think about Kev?"
"You said you were deeply angry with Bobby when he left. Your painting shows that very clearly, but in three days you're going to marry him."
"I hate it when you do the answer-your-own-question thing."
"I know. Do it anyway."
"Bobby... it's different. Kev was my brother...."
"You got mad, you forgave, you went on loving Bobby. Are you saying you can't do the same for Kevin?"
Darien stared at Cheryl in wonder.
"You did it again."
"Did what?"
"Put my head where it needed to be without me knowin' how it got there."
"It's rare, but once in a great while the destination is more important than the journey."
"Come again?'
"Translation: If you knew how the magic worked you wouldn't need the magician."
"Isn't that sorta the point? To get to a place where I don't need you?"
"Yes, but you're not quite there yet. Almost, but not quite."
"When?"
"When you figure out how the magic is done and you can do it for yourself. Whoops. Time's up."
Sighing, Darien stood and began to collect the paintings.
"You're sure you can't come to the wedding?"
"Very sure. I'd love to be there, but the weekend is the only real time I have with my kids. I promised them a whole Saturday in the park with my full attention."
"Yeah. I get that. Well, you'll get all the details next session. I'll save a piece of cake for you."
"That would be great. Thank you for sharing your art with me."
"No problem. Like you said before, I gotta learn to take the big risks.... to trust that I'm not always gonna fall."
Once Darien had slipped on his jacket, Cheryl touched his shoulder gently, leaned in and dropped a swift, light kiss on his cheek.
"Congratulations. I hope Saturday turns out exactly the way you want it to. Take lots of pictures."
"I'll be lucky if I can tear Bobbi's Godfather away from his digital camera long enough to do anything else. See you Monday."
"Yes. Give Bobby my best wishes and tell him he's off the hook for Friday, but just this once."
"He'll be jumpin' for joy. We've still got a ton of stuff to do between now and Saturday. Bye."
"Good-bye, Darien."
As he left the office, Cheryl smiled and watched him for a moment then turned back to make notes on the session, thinking that, depending on how he handled the cemetery, perhaps he was closer to ending his therapy than either of them had realized.
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30 MINUTES LATER:
"You look lousy. I can't tell if you're gonna pass out or you're gettin' ready to kick somebody's ass. Claire woulda come too, if you'd asked. She knows how hard this is gonna be on you."
"No, Bobby. You, me an' our child.... that's what this is about. Let's go. If I don't do this now...."
Hobbes squeezed Darien's hand tightly, trying to convey the extent of his love and support with that simple gesture. After a moment he got out, moved around the SUV and released a sleepy Bobbi Claire from her car-seat. Standing a few feet away, Darien stared into the distance, putting his thoughts in order and struggling with whether or not to take Cheryl's advice.
"We're all set. You ready?"
"No. I don't think I could ever be ready to do this."
"Then what'd I wake the kid up from her nap for?"
"Ready, not ready.... it doesn't matter. I've waited too long. I need to close this door an' I need to do it now before I talk myself out of it."
"Okay. I got your back. You know that."
" 'Course I know it." Darien replied softly as he started forward, leading the way to Kevin's gravesite. Bobby followed, the baby cradled against his left side and swiveling her head in both directions to take in everything there was to see. When they reached the grave, Darien reached out one hand, brushing his fingers over the stone in a silent greeting, and swallowed hard before attempting to put his thoughts into words.
"Hey, bro. It's been a long... long time. I'm really sorry. No excuse, I know that. I was so damn mad... I used it as an reason to stop comin'. Well, that an' I was busy havin' a baby. Your kinky little QS gland did it to me again, man. I'll fill in the gaps in the story next time. For now.... I got stuff I need to say. You... you knew what losin' mom did to me. You said if I took your get outta jail free card, you'd be with me.... if it got nasty or if it hurt too much, you said you'd be there. You lied, you bastard. Why did you lie to me?"
Ignoring the tears that were now running freely over his cheeks, Darien clenched his hands into tight fists and hung his head, fighting to stay in control, but knowing it was a lost cause. "You were always so damn careful about everything. I... I used to rag on you about it.... so when the hell did you stop? Huh? If you'd been careful.... Arnaud never coulda snuck in under your radar. You got sloppy... he killed you.... and I had nobody. There were times when I thought.... God, please show me how to get outta this place so I can get some pills... or a razor blade.... those were the good days. Most of the time I couldn't think at all. All I could do was curl up in a ball and shake 'till I passed out. I don't know who I hated more, you or me. You talked me into puttin' myself in that hell. I wanted outta prison so bad I woulda said yes to anything an' you knew that. You knew it an' you used it against me. I can't put it all on you, though.... a big chunk, but not all. I ignored what my gut was tellin' me that day.... an' I never did that before. Somethin' wasn't right. I knew it.... an' I said yes anyway."
Reacting to the waves of anger and sorrow he sensed flowing off his partner, Bobby stepped forward, intent on doing whatever he could to help, but Darien held up a hand and spoke quietly. "Not yet, Bobby, okay? Lemme finish this... please. I need you to hold me.... just not yet."
"Okay."
Darien drew a deep, shuddering breath, tucked his chin into his chest and forced himself to continue.
"I thought.... I thought I'd come back here an' tear the place apart. I was that mad at both of us. But I just now realized....I came back here to tell you that I'm okay. I'm still furious, but it's 'cause you can't see how beautiful your niece is... or meet the guy I love more than my own life. You woulda loved Bobby too.... Damn it, Kev! As mad as I am that you're not here to see the freaking miracle my life has turned into... I can forgive you for leavin' me alone.... 'cause I'm not alone anymore. You tell mom that for me... tell her I'm not alone.... and I'm okay...."
Turning, Darien managed a stumbling step or two before he ran into Bobby, who slipped his free arm around his fiancée and held him as tightly as he could.
"You did good baby. You did good... it's all done."
"I miss 'em both so damn much.... God... it still hurts like it they died yesterday...."
"I know. I know, kid.... but it'll start gettin' better now... I promise...."
Eventually, Darien straightened and swiped at his face with a tissue Bobby dug out of his jacket pocket.
"Ugh. Guess I returned the wet shirt favor. Sorry."
"Forget it. You ready to go?"
"Yeah. I really am."
Handing Bobbi up to her mother, Hobbes interlaced the fingers of his left hand with Darien's right and the trio walked slowly back to the truck, climbed in and headed home.
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"Enough angst, on with the wedding!" you cry. I hear and I obey. Final two chaps coming up, so keep your shirt on constant reader....
TBC.....
The lyrics at the end of the first scene aren't mine, obviously. I wish they were. They're some of the most beautiful love song lyrics I think I've ever come across. (Ice Castles was an excellent movie too!)
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FOLLOWING WED. -- 7:00 A.M. : BOBBY'S OFFICE
"We didn't talk about gettin' presents for each other, Fawkes. I didn't...."
"Yeah you did, but we'll get to that later. Just open it, okay?"
Shaking slightly, Bobby approached the large, flat package leaning against the back of his couch. By it's shape and size, he'd already decided it was a painting, but it was the unknown subject of the piece that was making him nervous. Having seen several examples of Darien's artistic ability, both light and dark, Bobby could only wonder which this would be and try to prepare an appropriate reaction for both. Slowly, he used a thumbnail to slit the paper near the top then he pulled the brown wrapping straight down. What was revealed made him step back suddenly, frantically sorting out his emotions. All thoughts he'd been gathering fled and took his breath with them.
"Ari.... God, it's.... I don't know what to.... that's not me...."
"It's Bobby Hobbes through my eyes. This is how I see you."
Still recovering his composure, Bobby stared at the canvas before him, drinking it in whole, then picking out different aspects to focus on. The background of the painting was a deep, rich gray, but the piece itself was not dark or maudlin in tone. Instead, it seemed to explode with color and life. His gaze flicked from one image of himself to another; here he clasped Bobbi to his chest, a beatific smile on his face, and here he sat on their couch at home, head drooping back in exhaustion and eyes heavy lidded.
"But....all the drawin's you had to make... when did you..... "
"Too many times to count. You remember what we were doing that Thursday morning?"
"The one before Hell An' Back Friday you mean? Playin' hurry up an' wait mostly. I was tryin' to get my vows down on paper. You were.... damn. You were sketchin' an' you wouldn't let me see."
"That's this one." Darien replied, singling out one of the myriad images by pointing to it. "When you know the words are in you, but you can't make 'em come out, you get this look on your face. The frustration, anger, worry.... It makes me sad an' I always wish I could help.... but I know it'll just make it worse if I butt in, so I've learned to let you work it out on your own. You usually find a way."
"The tapes.... all the songs I picked for you while you were pregnant. I was never sure if you got why I was doin' it that way instead a'just... talkin'."
"I knew. Those tapes... they're your version of love letters. I thought about tyin' 'em together with pink ribbon or pressin' some flowers in between the cases, but..."
"Too much. Yeah, I agree. Glad you got your head on straight, there pal." Bobby chuckled softly while skimming his gaze over the rest of the painting. He stopped on one particular part and reached out to touch it with one finger. "This... the one of me an' Bobbi. Why'd you put white around just that one?"
"White's supposed to mean pure, right? When you put her on your shoulder like that, walkin' around tryin' to get her back to sleep.... that's what I see in your face. Pure love, pure joy, pure peace.... it's almost like there's this light around the both of you. I tried to paint it the way I see it, but.... it was never quite right. I almost got it perfect. Almost...."
Gazing back, Bobby pinned Darien with his most serious expression, flames dancing in his eyes.
"You change one brush stroke an' you'll never see ice cream again, you understand?"
"Yeah, but..."
Bobby now turned fully around to face his husband to be.
"Not a scoop, not a spoonful. Not even a snow-cone is gonna touch your lips from now until the day you croak. I can make it happen."
Darien laughed and pulled Bobby to him, hugging him fiercely.
"Okay, okay. I get it. I'm just being an artist, Bobby. My high school art teacher said that pretty much every creative person has a ' can't leave good enough alone' streak. They finish something, look at it an' decide that if only one tiny thing were different it'd be perfect. They fix that, but then they see something else that could be tweaked an' pretty soon whatever it was ends up trashed. Artists, writers... we have to learn to kick butt on the perfectionist part of ourselves, that's all. I won't change your painting, I promise."
"Damn right. I like it how it is." Bobby responded, half turning to examine his present again. "It's so incredible, Ari. You musta been workin' on this for months."
"The painting took about a week. The sketches...."
Darien turned away and walked to the corner, opening the small cabinet Bobby had given him to store his things. Digging, he produced a drawing pad, brought it back to where Hobbes waited and handed it to him. "Here. Go ahead an' look."
"These... they're all me or Bobbi. How long..."
"About a year. There's some of Claire in there too, but, yeah, mostly... it's family."
"Family.... The weddin's in three days. We ain't taken care a'your half of our little deal yet."
"I know. I've been tryin' not to think about it."
"You need to finish it with Kev, babe. Like Claire says, we shouldn't bring any old crap into our new life."
"I'm not so sure about that deal anymore. If I go see him, I'm gonna end up losin' my temper, I know it."
"That's okay. I did it with Viv."
"Yeah, but Kevin can't yell back. How fair is it for me to get pissed an' scream my throat raw at somebody who's not around to defend himself?"
"Don't matter if it's fair or not. Goin' back to the cemetery.... it ain't about Kev. It's about you."
"Bobby..."
"It's time. You know it is."
Eventually, Darien nodded.
"After I get done with Cheryl today.... I need to talk some of this through with her."
"That'll work."
"Bring Bobbi when you come pick me up, okay? Even if she can't met him face to face... she should know she had an uncle."
"Yeah."
"Hey, can I ask a huge favor?"
"Anything."
"Can I borrow your present to add to the three I'm bringin' to my session today? I really think Cheryl'd like to see it. She asked me a couple weeks ago what my perspective on you and our relationship was. It didn't come out too well in words. If she sees this.... she'll get it."
"I guess. You did change your mind about showin' her the Milky Way of Death picture, right? Tell me you did."
"She wants to see samples of my work, Bobby. I'm not gonna hide anything from her. So it's dark. I'm way past that now."
"Yeah, but you were paintin' that way 'cause a'me. She's gonna ask..."
"Probably. I won't tell her if you don't want me to."
Bobby thought hard for a few minutes before he responded.
"Tell her. It's proof that we can be get through anything and hold together. Even my stupidity."
"Bert...."
"I know, I know. I'm gettin' better. I don't talk myself down half as much as I used to."
"Yeah, well, the next time you get the urge, think about your painting. See yourself the way I see you. "
"I try.... you're the only one...."
Bobby struggled for a moment, then gave up, his face taking on the look that Darien was so familiar with; the one that said he desperately wanted to express himself, but did not yet understand how to turn his yearning into reality. Moving away for a moment, Darien walked to the desk and returned with his ever-present Walkman. After using the head-set to cue up the tape to the right song, He transferred the headphones from his ears to Bobby's. The other man promptly pulled them off, but Darien held his fiancée's face in his hands and spoke quietly to him.
"When I say I love you, you believe me. When I say you saved my life and gave me back my soul, you believe me, Why can't you believe it when I tell you you're beautiful and good and strong?"
"Ari, don't.... c'mon...."
"No. You showed me that sometimes music can do what words can't. You look at the painting I made for you.... and you listen. Listen and believe...."
Turning Bobby around, Darien resettled the earphones and hit the play button.
### Please, don't let this feeling end.
It's everything I am, everything I want to be.
Reaching out to touch you, I can feel so much,
Since I found you, looking through the eyes of love.
Now, I can take the time,
I can see my life as it comes up shining now.
Reaching out to touch you, I can feel so much,
Since I found you, looking through the eyes of love.
And now, I do believe that even in the storm we'll find some light.
Knowing you're beside me, I'm alright....###
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"Darien.... these are magnificent. You're very talented." Cheryl said as she looked at the paintings one by one. After spending several minutes on each of the first three, she came to one of several he'd produced while working through Bobby's temporary abandonment. Gazing intently at the canvas, she moved closer to read the tiny words he'd incorporated into the dark spiral. Pulling back, she turned to Darien, her expression curious and a bit sad.
"Death, betrayal, fury.... intense. Very different from the rest. Where did this one come from?"
"A really, really bad mood."
"More."
"Bobby. He hurt me... broke my heart. He'd known for a while that he was gonna have a kid, but he wouldn't let it sink in, I guess. Then he heard Bobbi Claire's heartbeat in an ultrasound session.... it got too real too fast, he says. Right around the same time he was figurin' out he was in love with me. The combo kinda... blew his circuits and he ran away for two weeks. I was so mad an' depressed.... I thought he was sayin' he didn't want me. And just the thought that he could leave town with his baby on the way.... it made it worse. That wasn't the guy I thought I knew. This came from how I was feelin' at the time. This an' a few more like it." He explained, waving vaguely at the painting, but not looking at it for more than a few seconds at a time.
"It bothers you to remember."
"A little. I'm usually a pretty happy person. Over those two weeks, I went to some nasty places inside me... places I didn't know existed."
"If there were no darkness, we wouldn't recognize light."
"And vice versa."
"Very good." Cheryl acknowledged, moving back to examine the multi-image painting of Bobby. "It seems you've moved well beyond.... what shall we call it, your black period?"
"Definitely. This one is the first I've done in a few weeks, though. The kids... you know. I took some time off. So, does this answer your question about my perspective better than I did?"
"You answered the question just fine, but the painting does add something to the equation. You show amazing insight into all the layers he claims he doesn't have. What did Bobby say when he saw it?"
"Not much. When he could talk again one of the first things he said was ' That's not me. ' I told him it was him alright, just from my point of view. We never see ourselves the way everyone else does. It's impossible."
"More insight. Wow. Speaking of having layers...."
Darien laughed and turned away.
"Sometimes. Other times I'm about as deep as a thin crust pizza. Look.... I need to talk to you about something I'm plannin' for after we get done today." He requested, dropping into his favorite chair.
"Sounds serious. Go on."
"Did Bobby tell you about the blow out he had with Viv?"
"In graphic detail. I'm glad it finally happened, actually. He's been hoarding anger and fear about their break-up for a long time. It did him a lot of good to let go of that."
"I know. We talked about it some... before the fireworks. I tried to tell him he needed to at least call her and tell her about us... about the wedding. He said he would if I'd be close by for support. Then she just showed up.... you know the rest."
"I do. Now tell me the part I haven't heard"
"When we were talkin' about him callin' her, we sorta... made a deal. He wouldn't even think about gettin' in touch with his ex unless I agreed to go back an' see my brother."
"How long has it been?"
"Eighteen months. A little more maybe."
"And? Let's hear some reasons."
"Not so long ago I didn't have any. Now... I understand stuff better. I understand myself better. I haven't gone back to the cemetery 'cause I was so mad I was afraid of what might happen. I wasn't sure I could stay in control."
"Okay. You're angry. Perfectly normal. Angry about what?"
"He's supposed to be here. With all the crap I've gone through I needed my brother. Bobbi needs her Uncle Kevin. He's supposed to be at my wedding.... he had no right to die. He's the one who got me into this government gig in the first place. Then he just.... I mean, I was scared outta my mind and I had nobody to talk to... nobody to answer my questions...."
"You must have felt very alone."
"Completely. I hated it..... hated him."
"Have you ever told him that?"
"Kinda. The last time I went to see him I.... I yelled a little, but it was about him not to him. I ragged on Kev to the people that were with me. They kept me from losin' it. Trust me, it coulda been a serious mess.... I'm really lucky they were there."
"Would that have been such a terrible thing? If you had lost it, I mean."
"In the cemetery, in broad daylight? Well... yeah. Normal people aren't supposed to kick an' scream an' say bad words in public. The cops don't like it. It leads to handcuffs and little cement cells.... stuff I'm not too eager to get into again."
"I don't know. Melt down in front of Starbucks, you might have a problem, but at your brother's grave, it's a different story."
"Not four years after he died it isn't."
"Darien....give yourself a break. You've got a lot of justified rage and confusion bottled up. Taking the lid off carefully might succeed in releasing the pressure, but it won't feel half as good as just popping your cork and finally telling Kevin how you really feel."
"I've never been able to do that.... just yell at him. Even when he was bein' a complete ass. He was my big brother. He looked out for me, he took care of me.... it didn't feel right."
"You're not that little boy anymore, Darien. You're an adult with a family of your own and adults are allowed to get mad at each other. They're even allowed to swear. I assume you do know how to do that?"
The witticism caught Darien off guard and he laughed.
"I was in prison. I know words.... let's just say I can get creative when I have to. Seriously, though.... if I tell him what's in my heart an' let myself be angry at him... will that be all I ever feel when I think about Kev?"
"You said you were deeply angry with Bobby when he left. Your painting shows that very clearly, but in three days you're going to marry him."
"I hate it when you do the answer-your-own-question thing."
"I know. Do it anyway."
"Bobby... it's different. Kev was my brother...."
"You got mad, you forgave, you went on loving Bobby. Are you saying you can't do the same for Kevin?"
Darien stared at Cheryl in wonder.
"You did it again."
"Did what?"
"Put my head where it needed to be without me knowin' how it got there."
"It's rare, but once in a great while the destination is more important than the journey."
"Come again?'
"Translation: If you knew how the magic worked you wouldn't need the magician."
"Isn't that sorta the point? To get to a place where I don't need you?"
"Yes, but you're not quite there yet. Almost, but not quite."
"When?"
"When you figure out how the magic is done and you can do it for yourself. Whoops. Time's up."
Sighing, Darien stood and began to collect the paintings.
"You're sure you can't come to the wedding?"
"Very sure. I'd love to be there, but the weekend is the only real time I have with my kids. I promised them a whole Saturday in the park with my full attention."
"Yeah. I get that. Well, you'll get all the details next session. I'll save a piece of cake for you."
"That would be great. Thank you for sharing your art with me."
"No problem. Like you said before, I gotta learn to take the big risks.... to trust that I'm not always gonna fall."
Once Darien had slipped on his jacket, Cheryl touched his shoulder gently, leaned in and dropped a swift, light kiss on his cheek.
"Congratulations. I hope Saturday turns out exactly the way you want it to. Take lots of pictures."
"I'll be lucky if I can tear Bobbi's Godfather away from his digital camera long enough to do anything else. See you Monday."
"Yes. Give Bobby my best wishes and tell him he's off the hook for Friday, but just this once."
"He'll be jumpin' for joy. We've still got a ton of stuff to do between now and Saturday. Bye."
"Good-bye, Darien."
As he left the office, Cheryl smiled and watched him for a moment then turned back to make notes on the session, thinking that, depending on how he handled the cemetery, perhaps he was closer to ending his therapy than either of them had realized.
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30 MINUTES LATER:
"You look lousy. I can't tell if you're gonna pass out or you're gettin' ready to kick somebody's ass. Claire woulda come too, if you'd asked. She knows how hard this is gonna be on you."
"No, Bobby. You, me an' our child.... that's what this is about. Let's go. If I don't do this now...."
Hobbes squeezed Darien's hand tightly, trying to convey the extent of his love and support with that simple gesture. After a moment he got out, moved around the SUV and released a sleepy Bobbi Claire from her car-seat. Standing a few feet away, Darien stared into the distance, putting his thoughts in order and struggling with whether or not to take Cheryl's advice.
"We're all set. You ready?"
"No. I don't think I could ever be ready to do this."
"Then what'd I wake the kid up from her nap for?"
"Ready, not ready.... it doesn't matter. I've waited too long. I need to close this door an' I need to do it now before I talk myself out of it."
"Okay. I got your back. You know that."
" 'Course I know it." Darien replied softly as he started forward, leading the way to Kevin's gravesite. Bobby followed, the baby cradled against his left side and swiveling her head in both directions to take in everything there was to see. When they reached the grave, Darien reached out one hand, brushing his fingers over the stone in a silent greeting, and swallowed hard before attempting to put his thoughts into words.
"Hey, bro. It's been a long... long time. I'm really sorry. No excuse, I know that. I was so damn mad... I used it as an reason to stop comin'. Well, that an' I was busy havin' a baby. Your kinky little QS gland did it to me again, man. I'll fill in the gaps in the story next time. For now.... I got stuff I need to say. You... you knew what losin' mom did to me. You said if I took your get outta jail free card, you'd be with me.... if it got nasty or if it hurt too much, you said you'd be there. You lied, you bastard. Why did you lie to me?"
Ignoring the tears that were now running freely over his cheeks, Darien clenched his hands into tight fists and hung his head, fighting to stay in control, but knowing it was a lost cause. "You were always so damn careful about everything. I... I used to rag on you about it.... so when the hell did you stop? Huh? If you'd been careful.... Arnaud never coulda snuck in under your radar. You got sloppy... he killed you.... and I had nobody. There were times when I thought.... God, please show me how to get outta this place so I can get some pills... or a razor blade.... those were the good days. Most of the time I couldn't think at all. All I could do was curl up in a ball and shake 'till I passed out. I don't know who I hated more, you or me. You talked me into puttin' myself in that hell. I wanted outta prison so bad I woulda said yes to anything an' you knew that. You knew it an' you used it against me. I can't put it all on you, though.... a big chunk, but not all. I ignored what my gut was tellin' me that day.... an' I never did that before. Somethin' wasn't right. I knew it.... an' I said yes anyway."
Reacting to the waves of anger and sorrow he sensed flowing off his partner, Bobby stepped forward, intent on doing whatever he could to help, but Darien held up a hand and spoke quietly. "Not yet, Bobby, okay? Lemme finish this... please. I need you to hold me.... just not yet."
"Okay."
Darien drew a deep, shuddering breath, tucked his chin into his chest and forced himself to continue.
"I thought.... I thought I'd come back here an' tear the place apart. I was that mad at both of us. But I just now realized....I came back here to tell you that I'm okay. I'm still furious, but it's 'cause you can't see how beautiful your niece is... or meet the guy I love more than my own life. You woulda loved Bobby too.... Damn it, Kev! As mad as I am that you're not here to see the freaking miracle my life has turned into... I can forgive you for leavin' me alone.... 'cause I'm not alone anymore. You tell mom that for me... tell her I'm not alone.... and I'm okay...."
Turning, Darien managed a stumbling step or two before he ran into Bobby, who slipped his free arm around his fiancée and held him as tightly as he could.
"You did good baby. You did good... it's all done."
"I miss 'em both so damn much.... God... it still hurts like it they died yesterday...."
"I know. I know, kid.... but it'll start gettin' better now... I promise...."
Eventually, Darien straightened and swiped at his face with a tissue Bobby dug out of his jacket pocket.
"Ugh. Guess I returned the wet shirt favor. Sorry."
"Forget it. You ready to go?"
"Yeah. I really am."
Handing Bobbi up to her mother, Hobbes interlaced the fingers of his left hand with Darien's right and the trio walked slowly back to the truck, climbed in and headed home.
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"Enough angst, on with the wedding!" you cry. I hear and I obey. Final two chaps coming up, so keep your shirt on constant reader....
TBC.....