Phantom Answers-Sequel to Neglected Rambling
A realm neither Heaven nor Hell. A realm where you can see the tears of your loved ones and know things are not well. A realm where Phantoms float. A realm where I read all your notes. You thought all your writings were in vain. But I read them and saw your pain. Your grace, our love, I'm trapped, now in a world unknown. There is nothing left of us. I am condemned. Treasure your breath for you don't want to end up like me. Fill the holes with memories of our happier times when we were spiritually free. I am sorry Trish that I couldn't see a clear blue sky. But the storm had a hold of me and I had no notion of light. Life can be a no win battle, day in and day out living with a lie. The lie of telling people you are happy when in reality you are miserable and don't know why. I wore the disguise of a carefree guy. However, all I could think of was taking my own life. Would you have understood that or rather heard those lies? I often wonder would you have remained if I burdened you with my pain. I guess we will never know.
You say how you wish you could enter my mind. Answers you would surely find. Yet, my mind is not where to go. You need to enter my soul. Remember you had my heart but the world is what tore my soul apart. Please don't be cautious around me! Your strength is what intrigued me. I know we had a rocky past and your behavior was sometimes crass. Still I know you loved me and I never thought any differently. Don't blame yourself. Faults we all have! Yes I clawed for my happiness; I was looking for something worth this stress. But please remember baby, this was my mess. I cannot justify what I did and at the time, I thought killing myself was for the best. Two seconds more would not have made any difference. I was too deep into depression and yearned to pull the trigger. I will admit I had second thoughts. However, once I pulled that trigger I felt relieved that my chaos was put to an end. You say you will never understand but give it time wounds will mend.
Dream! What are dreams? This dark world only allows sorrow and time. Sorrow, from all my loved ones left behind. Time, to reflect on why I ended my life. Our dreams sound sweet. Our children, unfortunately, I was never in Heaven to greet. Will we reunite in the end? That will never happen because I am condemned. I do hear your cries and I wish I was there to dry your eyes. As you lay asleep in the bed we use to share, I wish you could hear why I needed relief from my despair. Unfortunately, I am just a phantom left to roam this empty chamber. I watch your hurt like an old movie aging with time. And I see the splatters on the letters, cuts on your wrist, and tears stains you leave behind. You say you cannot kill yourself because you are not strong. The reality is I am pulling at you making you stop. Suicide is not the way; it will only lead to an afterlife dark and gray. I must say goodbye now. Trish, I love you and please don't destroy yourself. Live life to the fullest if you are lucky enough to see tomorrow.
Love you forever although we will never be together,
Jeff