GAD!! This is the longest chapter I've written in my fanfiction.net
career. Hope you like it.
This disclaimer brought to you by the following companies/shows/people whom
I swear I do not own:
Nintendo
Hal Laboratories
Dragon Ball Z (just read the thing, you'll get it eventually)
Readers like you
Chapter 6: Practical Jokes
After spending several hours at Dr. Evil's place, Noah returned with a big bag in one hand and a kennel containing a white Persian cat in the other. Link noticed the big bag and decided to comment on it.
"Hey, what's in there?" asked Link.
"Duh, you moron. It's my new cat," Noah retorted.
"No, no, the bag."
"Oh, uh, you mean this?" Noah looked rather flustered for a moment, then quickly got back to normal. "It's cat food. And cat litter."
"I thought you already bought 30 pounds of cat litter!" Link shouted.
"Hey, Persian cats like to eat a lot. So they go to the bathroom a lot. So I need a lot of litter. And that reminds me, there's a cat-poop scooping robot in there." Noah was clearly on a roll now, and his lying ability seemed to increase tenfold. "The last time I did that myself, I nearly fainted from the stench. I mean, what do these cats eat, you know? I mean, I like to think it's usually cat food, but sometimes they might take a nibble of the occasional corpse flower, you know what I mean?"
"Yeah, I never really thought of that," Link admitted.
"Hey, could you lend me your sword for a minute? I got some polish in this bag too."
"Wow! Sure thing, Noah!" Link was very gullible at this point, so he quickly handed it over. Noah bent over and took something that SO does not look like polish and rubbed it over the Master Sword. He then returned it to Link, who checked out the much shinier blade, then sheathed it again.
"Thanks, Noah!" Link said.
"Ah, don't thank me." At that, Link walked off to his room. Noah chuckled softly when he went out of sight.
"Nope, no need to thank me at all," Noah commented with an evil smile.
"Meow," went the Persian cat in a way that made Noah think the cat was in agreement.
"That's right, Trasher. He doesn't need to thank me." Noah then put his finger through the bars of the kennel and wiggled it around. "Coochie coochie coo."
"Rowr!" went the cat as she swiped at Noah's finger.
"Oh, yeah, right. Better get to my room so I can let you out." Noah did that.
-------------------------------------------
When Trasher was done running around Noah's room and doing his business, Noah was back to walking up and down the halls with his bag. Eventually, Mario spotted Noah walking.
"Where-a were you, Noah? You were at that-a one Dr. Evil's place for-a hours!" Mario shouted.
"I was checking out his sharks with the frickin' laser beams on their heads," Noah explained.
"Oh, that's-a awesome! Those-a things are-a cool!"
"Hey, how would you know about those? Only villains are allowed to go to Dr. Evil's place!" Noah pointed out.
"I was-a contracted as a villain-a for a little while in my Donkey Kong-a Jr. gig. So it doesn't-a matter how many heroic-a roles I do, I can always- a see the sharks with-a the frickin' laser beams-a on their heads. By-a the way, how did-a YOU get to see those? Since when are-a you a villain-a?" Mario challenged.
"I'm about to be sold to Microsoft for work in their game where you're the devil, and you try and kill all these biblical figures," Noah said.
"OK, I-a get it."
"By the way, you're going to battle pretty soon, right?" Noah asked.
"Yeah, and-a what are you-a trying to say?"
"I'm trying to say that if you put this lotion on," at this Noah pulled out a bottle with a crudely done label on it, "right before you battle, then your physical attacks will be much stronger."
"Really? Thanks-a, Noah!" Mario then took the bottle and went to his room, eyes glimmering in the light of an easier victory ahead.
"Heh heh heh," Noah laughed. "Next victim, please."
After playing with his new Persian cat again (and getting a few nicks along the way), Noah took his bag and resumed walking up and down the halls, waiting for the favorite of the next battle to come.
-------------------------------------------
The match between Link and Captain Falcon was about to go underway. Since Captain Falcon was the underdog in this fight...
"LINK VERSUS CAPTAIN FALCON! STAGE IS HYRULE CASTLE!" I yelled through the megaphone. Link walked onto the stage with a confident swagger, knowing that not only would his newly polished blade effectively slice up the futuristic racer, but it could also blind him with ease. "START!" I called.
Immediately Link drew out his bow and prepared his shot. Meanwhile, Captain Falcon was just relaxing well out of range of the arrow. He stretched back on the roof of the castle and went to sleep; dreaming about scantily clad women. He was just about to imagine a brief scene of nudity, which would force me to bump up the rating on this to R, when Link tossed a bomb on his face.
"GYAAAAAHH! You blew up Cindy Crawford!" When Captain Falcon realized that the only thing blown up was his visor, he turned around and attacked Link with a flurry of punches. Link rolled behind the ticked off bounty hunter and smash-attacked Captain Falcon all the way to Chicago. In a surprising turn of events, Captain Falcon was beaten all the way back to the course by the numerous gangsters in Chicago who, for some reason, had a problem with his dorky outfit.
Link drew his sword for the final blow, when against his better judgment he looked at it. There, right in front of him, was naught but a hilt. Link turned his sheath upside down and shook it up, and what came out was the largest pile of rust he had ever seen.
"Bah, beh, bee, bup," was the only sounds Link could make as he just stood there and looked at the hilt, then at the rust. By that time Captain Falcon had regained consciousness.
"FALCON PUNCH!"
-------------------------------------------
It was two minutes until the battle between Mario and Kirby, and Mario was in the men's locker room, making his final preparations. Just so you know, Kirby was in the gender-challenged individuals' locker room. Suddenly Mario remembered the bottle of lotion Noah gave him, and pulled it out of his pocket. The label was a shoddy creation of construction paper and crayon that said Power Boosting Lotion on it. When he squirted it out, a white glob with some black dots evenly spaced within it came out. Mario slapped the stuff over his knuckles, his feet, and his torso.
"Hee, hee. No-a gender-challenged-a individual-a beats the great-a Mario." It was not a coincidence that he sounded a lot like Vegeta when he said this. "Hey-a, for-a some reason I-a want-a to have a large-a forehead, a really-a tall and-a spiky hairdo and go around punching-a people for-a no reason-"
"That's it, out! Go battle! Move it, move it!" I ordered.
"Hey-a, aren't-a you supposed-a to have an omnipotent-a individuals locker- a room?" Mario asked.
"Yes, but I'm omnipotent! I can do whatever I want! Now move! MOVE!" I yelled. Mario needed no more ordering, and he ran out of the locker room and onto the stage. I teleported over to the announcer's chair and began my new job again.
"MARIO VERSUS KIRBY! STAGE IS PEACH'S CASTLE!" I paused, realized the situation and said, "Wow. Deja vu." Mario ran toward Kirby, then jumped up above the little pink ball. He was about to smack Kirby upside the head, but Kirby had the amazing sense to suck up Mario before he could do that. Kirby was also conveniently located near the edge of the stage. He, um, she, no, it prepared to jump off the stage and spit out the plumber before they both fell together and lost. It didn't work, as Mario punched his way out and threw a volley of fireballs at the offending pink mass.
The just-toasted Kirby dashed toward Mario and jumped above him, trying to copy Mario's beginning attack. As Mario did not have a big enough mouth to contain Kirby, it worked well. Mario was launched up into the air and Kirby was about to kick him out of the ring, when something happened. There, right between the two fighters, was a Star. Kirby tried to jump up and grab it, but he, no it was too late. Mario was invincible and proceeded to kick Kirby back and forth across the stage. Just as the power of the Star was about to run out, Mario was ready to Smash Attack Kirby and end the match. Then another thing happened. The lotion on Mario's skin dried, and the little black things inside it began their effect.
Mario opened his eyes wide. "Ooh, eeh, aah, aagh, oowowgoshdarnitthisitches!" he yelled as he scratched his body from top to bottom. Kirby got up and found itself next to a writhing Mario.
"Wham!" went the kick. "Aaaaaaagh!" yelled the Mario. "Boom!" went the floor.
-------------------------------------------
Noah walked for a very long time.
"Goshdarnit! What the heck is Samus doing?" Noah whined.
"Stayin' away from you, bub." Pikachu had been given an actual voice for this fic, just like Celebii and Jigglypuff, but he sounded like somebody out of the Godfather. Pikachu was quite amused with this accent, and had been that way since chapter two. "I gotta tell ya, it sure is somethin' ta be able ta talk somebody down wit an accent like dis. I mean, just yellin' 'Pikachu! Pikachu!' all day like some kinda kiddie cahtoon character drives me nuts! But wid a voice like dis, I sound like a gangsta'! It makes me wanna smoke a cigah-"
"Will you be quiet?!" Samus shouted. "If it wasn't for the fact that he was omnipotent, I'd blast origreatguy out of the water for doing this! Anyway," Samus said, turning her attention to Noah again, "we know what you're doing."
"Uh, heh heh, what do you mean by 'what I'm doing'?" Noah replied.
"Well," Pikachu began, "it can pretty much be summed up in about two woids. Say, incwiminatin' evidence."
"You were at that Dr. Evil's place so long, he already mailed this bill of stuff you purchased at his store to your room," Samus said. At this, she pulled out a little slip of paper that had a picture of a shark with a frickin' laser beam on it.
"Shall I do the honahs, toots?" Pikachu asked.
"No! And don't call me toots, you rat!"
"OK, OK. Sheesh, the noive ah dis lady."
"This is a bill for QUIK-RUST seltzer water, fast-drying itching lotion, and a laser intensifier that becomes a mirror when activated by remote control. All of these items were specifically bought for the sole purpose of bringing down the favorites of all the battles. But do you know what the worst part is?" Samus asked.
"Actually, I thought that WAS the worst part," Noah admitted.
"No, de worst paht is dat owigweatgoi ain't gonna do a thing about it!" Pikachu exclaimed.
"Actually, I will." I appeared right in the middle of the argument.
"Origreatguy?!" Samus yelled. "Iswearweweren'tbadmouthingyoupleasedon'tkilluswedon'twanttodie!"
"Don't worry, you're vital to the plot. Anyway, I will be doing something about Noah's evil. Just give it some time. You may now return to the script."
"Thankyoufornotkillingusthankyouohthankswereallydon'twanttodie!"
"Whatever." I disappeared into my room and enjoyed a root beer.
"Anyway," Samus began with her speech centers actually functioning again, "we will let you go on with your schemes, but you're not duping us. And another thing is that we've told Mario and Link of your little caper." Noah dropped his jaw in utter fear. "And we calculate that they should be here in about 30 seconds." That was enough for the biblical hero-turned villain. He sprinted into his room, screaming bloody murder like a two- year old.
After Samus' and Pikachu's battle, this sign was posted next to the Big Fat Virtual Portal Thingabob:
Winners: Kirby, Captain Falcon, Samus, Noah. Tomorrow, Noah gets to have a friendly free-for-all with Link and Mario.
Trasher saw Noah the next day, then hid under the bed. What kind of cat could DO that? thought the white fluffy kitty.
Nintendo
Hal Laboratories
Dragon Ball Z (just read the thing, you'll get it eventually)
Readers like you
Chapter 6: Practical Jokes
After spending several hours at Dr. Evil's place, Noah returned with a big bag in one hand and a kennel containing a white Persian cat in the other. Link noticed the big bag and decided to comment on it.
"Hey, what's in there?" asked Link.
"Duh, you moron. It's my new cat," Noah retorted.
"No, no, the bag."
"Oh, uh, you mean this?" Noah looked rather flustered for a moment, then quickly got back to normal. "It's cat food. And cat litter."
"I thought you already bought 30 pounds of cat litter!" Link shouted.
"Hey, Persian cats like to eat a lot. So they go to the bathroom a lot. So I need a lot of litter. And that reminds me, there's a cat-poop scooping robot in there." Noah was clearly on a roll now, and his lying ability seemed to increase tenfold. "The last time I did that myself, I nearly fainted from the stench. I mean, what do these cats eat, you know? I mean, I like to think it's usually cat food, but sometimes they might take a nibble of the occasional corpse flower, you know what I mean?"
"Yeah, I never really thought of that," Link admitted.
"Hey, could you lend me your sword for a minute? I got some polish in this bag too."
"Wow! Sure thing, Noah!" Link was very gullible at this point, so he quickly handed it over. Noah bent over and took something that SO does not look like polish and rubbed it over the Master Sword. He then returned it to Link, who checked out the much shinier blade, then sheathed it again.
"Thanks, Noah!" Link said.
"Ah, don't thank me." At that, Link walked off to his room. Noah chuckled softly when he went out of sight.
"Nope, no need to thank me at all," Noah commented with an evil smile.
"Meow," went the Persian cat in a way that made Noah think the cat was in agreement.
"That's right, Trasher. He doesn't need to thank me." Noah then put his finger through the bars of the kennel and wiggled it around. "Coochie coochie coo."
"Rowr!" went the cat as she swiped at Noah's finger.
"Oh, yeah, right. Better get to my room so I can let you out." Noah did that.
-------------------------------------------
When Trasher was done running around Noah's room and doing his business, Noah was back to walking up and down the halls with his bag. Eventually, Mario spotted Noah walking.
"Where-a were you, Noah? You were at that-a one Dr. Evil's place for-a hours!" Mario shouted.
"I was checking out his sharks with the frickin' laser beams on their heads," Noah explained.
"Oh, that's-a awesome! Those-a things are-a cool!"
"Hey, how would you know about those? Only villains are allowed to go to Dr. Evil's place!" Noah pointed out.
"I was-a contracted as a villain-a for a little while in my Donkey Kong-a Jr. gig. So it doesn't-a matter how many heroic-a roles I do, I can always- a see the sharks with-a the frickin' laser beams-a on their heads. By-a the way, how did-a YOU get to see those? Since when are-a you a villain-a?" Mario challenged.
"I'm about to be sold to Microsoft for work in their game where you're the devil, and you try and kill all these biblical figures," Noah said.
"OK, I-a get it."
"By the way, you're going to battle pretty soon, right?" Noah asked.
"Yeah, and-a what are you-a trying to say?"
"I'm trying to say that if you put this lotion on," at this Noah pulled out a bottle with a crudely done label on it, "right before you battle, then your physical attacks will be much stronger."
"Really? Thanks-a, Noah!" Mario then took the bottle and went to his room, eyes glimmering in the light of an easier victory ahead.
"Heh heh heh," Noah laughed. "Next victim, please."
After playing with his new Persian cat again (and getting a few nicks along the way), Noah took his bag and resumed walking up and down the halls, waiting for the favorite of the next battle to come.
-------------------------------------------
The match between Link and Captain Falcon was about to go underway. Since Captain Falcon was the underdog in this fight...
"LINK VERSUS CAPTAIN FALCON! STAGE IS HYRULE CASTLE!" I yelled through the megaphone. Link walked onto the stage with a confident swagger, knowing that not only would his newly polished blade effectively slice up the futuristic racer, but it could also blind him with ease. "START!" I called.
Immediately Link drew out his bow and prepared his shot. Meanwhile, Captain Falcon was just relaxing well out of range of the arrow. He stretched back on the roof of the castle and went to sleep; dreaming about scantily clad women. He was just about to imagine a brief scene of nudity, which would force me to bump up the rating on this to R, when Link tossed a bomb on his face.
"GYAAAAAHH! You blew up Cindy Crawford!" When Captain Falcon realized that the only thing blown up was his visor, he turned around and attacked Link with a flurry of punches. Link rolled behind the ticked off bounty hunter and smash-attacked Captain Falcon all the way to Chicago. In a surprising turn of events, Captain Falcon was beaten all the way back to the course by the numerous gangsters in Chicago who, for some reason, had a problem with his dorky outfit.
Link drew his sword for the final blow, when against his better judgment he looked at it. There, right in front of him, was naught but a hilt. Link turned his sheath upside down and shook it up, and what came out was the largest pile of rust he had ever seen.
"Bah, beh, bee, bup," was the only sounds Link could make as he just stood there and looked at the hilt, then at the rust. By that time Captain Falcon had regained consciousness.
"FALCON PUNCH!"
-------------------------------------------
It was two minutes until the battle between Mario and Kirby, and Mario was in the men's locker room, making his final preparations. Just so you know, Kirby was in the gender-challenged individuals' locker room. Suddenly Mario remembered the bottle of lotion Noah gave him, and pulled it out of his pocket. The label was a shoddy creation of construction paper and crayon that said Power Boosting Lotion on it. When he squirted it out, a white glob with some black dots evenly spaced within it came out. Mario slapped the stuff over his knuckles, his feet, and his torso.
"Hee, hee. No-a gender-challenged-a individual-a beats the great-a Mario." It was not a coincidence that he sounded a lot like Vegeta when he said this. "Hey-a, for-a some reason I-a want-a to have a large-a forehead, a really-a tall and-a spiky hairdo and go around punching-a people for-a no reason-"
"That's it, out! Go battle! Move it, move it!" I ordered.
"Hey-a, aren't-a you supposed-a to have an omnipotent-a individuals locker- a room?" Mario asked.
"Yes, but I'm omnipotent! I can do whatever I want! Now move! MOVE!" I yelled. Mario needed no more ordering, and he ran out of the locker room and onto the stage. I teleported over to the announcer's chair and began my new job again.
"MARIO VERSUS KIRBY! STAGE IS PEACH'S CASTLE!" I paused, realized the situation and said, "Wow. Deja vu." Mario ran toward Kirby, then jumped up above the little pink ball. He was about to smack Kirby upside the head, but Kirby had the amazing sense to suck up Mario before he could do that. Kirby was also conveniently located near the edge of the stage. He, um, she, no, it prepared to jump off the stage and spit out the plumber before they both fell together and lost. It didn't work, as Mario punched his way out and threw a volley of fireballs at the offending pink mass.
The just-toasted Kirby dashed toward Mario and jumped above him, trying to copy Mario's beginning attack. As Mario did not have a big enough mouth to contain Kirby, it worked well. Mario was launched up into the air and Kirby was about to kick him out of the ring, when something happened. There, right between the two fighters, was a Star. Kirby tried to jump up and grab it, but he, no it was too late. Mario was invincible and proceeded to kick Kirby back and forth across the stage. Just as the power of the Star was about to run out, Mario was ready to Smash Attack Kirby and end the match. Then another thing happened. The lotion on Mario's skin dried, and the little black things inside it began their effect.
Mario opened his eyes wide. "Ooh, eeh, aah, aagh, oowowgoshdarnitthisitches!" he yelled as he scratched his body from top to bottom. Kirby got up and found itself next to a writhing Mario.
"Wham!" went the kick. "Aaaaaaagh!" yelled the Mario. "Boom!" went the floor.
-------------------------------------------
Noah walked for a very long time.
"Goshdarnit! What the heck is Samus doing?" Noah whined.
"Stayin' away from you, bub." Pikachu had been given an actual voice for this fic, just like Celebii and Jigglypuff, but he sounded like somebody out of the Godfather. Pikachu was quite amused with this accent, and had been that way since chapter two. "I gotta tell ya, it sure is somethin' ta be able ta talk somebody down wit an accent like dis. I mean, just yellin' 'Pikachu! Pikachu!' all day like some kinda kiddie cahtoon character drives me nuts! But wid a voice like dis, I sound like a gangsta'! It makes me wanna smoke a cigah-"
"Will you be quiet?!" Samus shouted. "If it wasn't for the fact that he was omnipotent, I'd blast origreatguy out of the water for doing this! Anyway," Samus said, turning her attention to Noah again, "we know what you're doing."
"Uh, heh heh, what do you mean by 'what I'm doing'?" Noah replied.
"Well," Pikachu began, "it can pretty much be summed up in about two woids. Say, incwiminatin' evidence."
"You were at that Dr. Evil's place so long, he already mailed this bill of stuff you purchased at his store to your room," Samus said. At this, she pulled out a little slip of paper that had a picture of a shark with a frickin' laser beam on it.
"Shall I do the honahs, toots?" Pikachu asked.
"No! And don't call me toots, you rat!"
"OK, OK. Sheesh, the noive ah dis lady."
"This is a bill for QUIK-RUST seltzer water, fast-drying itching lotion, and a laser intensifier that becomes a mirror when activated by remote control. All of these items were specifically bought for the sole purpose of bringing down the favorites of all the battles. But do you know what the worst part is?" Samus asked.
"Actually, I thought that WAS the worst part," Noah admitted.
"No, de worst paht is dat owigweatgoi ain't gonna do a thing about it!" Pikachu exclaimed.
"Actually, I will." I appeared right in the middle of the argument.
"Origreatguy?!" Samus yelled. "Iswearweweren'tbadmouthingyoupleasedon'tkilluswedon'twanttodie!"
"Don't worry, you're vital to the plot. Anyway, I will be doing something about Noah's evil. Just give it some time. You may now return to the script."
"Thankyoufornotkillingusthankyouohthankswereallydon'twanttodie!"
"Whatever." I disappeared into my room and enjoyed a root beer.
"Anyway," Samus began with her speech centers actually functioning again, "we will let you go on with your schemes, but you're not duping us. And another thing is that we've told Mario and Link of your little caper." Noah dropped his jaw in utter fear. "And we calculate that they should be here in about 30 seconds." That was enough for the biblical hero-turned villain. He sprinted into his room, screaming bloody murder like a two- year old.
After Samus' and Pikachu's battle, this sign was posted next to the Big Fat Virtual Portal Thingabob:
Winners: Kirby, Captain Falcon, Samus, Noah. Tomorrow, Noah gets to have a friendly free-for-all with Link and Mario.
Trasher saw Noah the next day, then hid under the bed. What kind of cat could DO that? thought the white fluffy kitty.