HER MAJESTY'S PERSONAL PIPER
by Phil D. Hernández

GENRES: Xena: Warrior Princess, comedy. VIOLENCE: Gabrielle's ears and Joxer's nose are assaulted. SEX: None. LANGUAGE: Clean. RATING: G. SUBTEXT: None. SPOILERS: None. NOTICE TO JOXERPHOBES: Why bother?

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
Xena Warrior Princess
Gabrielle the Bard of Poteidaia, Queen of the Amazons, Xena's best friend
Joxer the Mighty, would-be hero, their friend

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It started out as a peaceful morning, at least. With no danger threatening, Xena, Warrior Princess, and her best friend Gabrielle were sleeping in. That was the plan, until they were awakened by a screeching, skirling sound rather like an animal being tortured. Somewhere in there was a tune, but the bard was in no position to appreciate it, having clapped her hands to her ears and begun screaming in a vain attempt to block out the caterwauling.
The Warrior Princess, on the other hand, recognized the sound of war pipes. She caught up her chakram and threw it at the instrument, slitting the bag open and causing it to immediately deflate with a few last gurgling gasps. As the weapon returned to her hand after bouncing off a couple of trees, she saw that their friend Joxer was responsible for this outrageous wake-up call. Xena glared at him, but held Gabrielle back before the angry bard could choke him.
Xena, let me go! He's a dead man!
Wait, Gabrielle. Xena continued to restrain her best friend. Joxer, what in Tartarus did you think you were doing?
The would-be warrior looked down at his now-useless bagpipes and unslung them from his shoulders.
I thought, Gabby being a queen and alluh, she could use a personal piper to serenade her with sweet music every morningwouldn't you like that, Gabby?
He's all yours, Gabrielle, Xena said, and released her.
Gabrielle would have burned Joxer to a cinder or turned him to stone with a single glance if she had such powers, but she had to settle for advancing toward him with a menacing look on her face. Seeing her clenched fists and her lips pulled back in a snarl to reveal grinding teeth, Joxer retreated backwards, legs shaking. Even if he had taken off at a dead run, however, it would not have availed him. With the accuracy of long practice Gabrielle trapped his nose between her thumb and forefinger, pulling him toward her so she could twist his proboscis with more leverage.
OW! Ow he cried, the sound much more pleasant to Gabrielle's ears than his piping.
Don't you ever do that again! the bard yelled.
Owww! I was trying – OW! – to do something nice for you! OWWW!
Joxer, daisies are nice

and puppies are nice

and sunsets are nice

but that was the audio equivalent of your gravy recipe! Got it?
OWWWWWWW! Got it!
The bard finally relaxed her grip on Joxer's nose, which immediately went numb.
you want a puppy? he asked hopefully.
Gabrielle picked up her staff and rammed one end into the center of Joxer's round breastplate, knocking him down. She turned her back on the would-be warrior and began to shake out her blankets.

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THE END
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Disclaimer:
 No bagpipes were harmed in the writing of this story. Gabrielle, however, made Xena promise never to go to Scotland.

Author's notes:
 Bagpipes in various forms have been around for millennia. The ancient Greeks had them. As with the Scots, bagpipes were originally used to strike terror in the hearts of their enemies. Now pipers use them to strike terror in the hearts of their friends. (Just kidding. The author likes the sound of the pipes.)
Queen Victoria invented the custom of having a personal piper play under her bedroom window every morning, beginning in 1842. The practice continues to this day.

COPYRIGHT NOTICE:
 Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is © 2002 by Philip D. Hernández and is his sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.

Comments:
 Unless your sole purpose is to bash Joxer, Ted Raimi or Gabrielle-Joxer romance, your comments would be greatly appreciated. You can e-mail the author at BroadwayPhil@yahoo.com .

Additional stories:
 More stories can be found on the author's website, The Subtlety of Pickett's Charge, at .