* * * * * * *6

First time sleeping in his bed since he had left the hospital.

Yet he didn't feel like sleeping. Not a little bit.

He had rested enough over the past few days. Now he wanted to do something. Run, walk, swim, anything as long as he wasn't laying on his bed.

Birds started to chirp at his window.

He stood up, changed his clothes and exited his room.

His feet led him to the place he used to do his morning training. The place was damp , the weather was sultry. He started to wonder if it had been a good idea to leave his house.

He nevertheless ignored this thought and approached a log. He stared.

Should he get back to his training? Should he definitely forget about it? This morning, when he had woken up, he had felt that urge. The urge to train, to release the energy in him. More than a habit he had acquired over  the years, it was a need. The need to polish his ninja most precious weapon: his body. But it still felt pointless. In a way. Pointless to train while he wouldn't improve. Pointless to waste his time while he could do a lot of other things. Other things...but what other things?

He sighed.

He couldn't deny it anymore. His life felt empty.

That was somehow the reason why he had felt so tired of everything lately. Tired to the point of wishing death.

He was such a coward. He prefered hurting people than acknowledging his weakness. He had prefered hurting his mother and Tenten instead of accepting the truth. If they had been so worried about him it wasn't because they pîtied him, but because they cared about him, and didn't want him to hurt. Because they felt he was fragile in a way. And he had kept hurting them, denying that fragility in him.

Now he couldn't deny it anymore.

What to do now?

He didn't know.

But there was something he knew for sure.

He didn't want those close to him to worry about him anymore.

"Neji-kun, you're early today."

"You too are." he boy said.

"I'm always." she smiled "So, what happened to you?"

"Nothing."

"Really? I thought you were so excited about today you couldn't sleep..."

"Should I?"

"Maybe. Afterall, we might get over these D rank mission today..."

"Ah?"

"Hum-hum." she nodded.

The boy kept silent.

She turned to face him.

"Neji-kun...."

Their gaze met.

"It feels good to have you back..." she stated with a genuine smile.

"Aa." He answered looking away.

"Watch out you guys!! Here comes Gai-sensei ready to strike with exciting news!!"

Tenten sighed shaking her head.

"Do you really have to be that loud Gai-sensei?"

"Well, it's my way to communicate enthousiasm. You guys need it in the morning!! Hahaha!"

"I guess so..." she murmured sweatdropping.

"Hahaha!..." he turned to the boy "...Neji, I'm glad to see you're doing well."

The white-eyed boy simply nodded.

"So, what are the exciting news sensei?"

"First, I and the other jounins have discussed the possibility of moving to more difficult missions. So from now on, we'll mainly execute C Rank mission. Isn't that exciting?!"

"Oh, I knew about that already..."

"Hum...so what if I told you guys the next Chuunin exam will take place in one month?" Gai said grinning.

Neji raised an eyebrow.

Tenten gaped.

"Really??"

"Yes."

"But...it's too early..."

"That's the part of the fun..." Gai said "...or so they think..." he added seeing the frown on Tenten's face.

"Anyway, it's not as if it was your first time taking the exam..."

"But last time that Sand girl beat me..." she winced recalling.

"But since last time, you've been training hard, haven't you?"

"oh...Yes..." she answered with a smile.

"Remember, the exam isn't about winning or losing, but more about testing each village's forces." Gai said, his face serious "...And for Shinobis like you, it's more about gaining experience on the battleground." He paused "Whether you win or lose shouldn't matter. The most important thing is to learn from your opponents as well as your allies"

Tenten nodded.

Neji nodded absentmindedly.

"Good. Now today's mission..."

It felt relaxing.

The cool breeze of the morning on his burning members.

Today, he had woken up even earlier than usual. Maybe eager to start anew.

But there was nothing new about this. It was still the same moves, the same jutsus, the same opponents. That is if one can consider pieces of trees as opponents.

Start his training again was a good decision. Yet, it didn't feel any better than before. It wasn't exciting anymore. It just felt mechanical and dull.

He sat down, leaning on the big tree behind him, and closed his eyes, sighing.

Hurried steps alerted his senses.

He looked up.

"Hello, Neji-niisan."

He shrugged.

"Hinata-sama..."

She threw him a weak smile.

"So...are you training too?"

He looked away.

"Sort of."

"Hum." she wiped her forehead. "...Chuunin exam is in less than one month now. I think there will be many people from the last time..."

He didn't utter a comment.

What could he say anyway? He knew there would be the other gennins, some he knew, some new to him.There would be Naruto, much stronger than him. Should he be glad to meet him again, knowing he would lose against him if they were to fight? That too didn't feel exciting at all.

She bit her lip.

"Neji-niisan, are you okay?"

It was a simple question. Yet it felt like she were scanning his soul.

He looked up at her. And met her eyes. Those eyes...

He quickly averted his gaze.

Those eyes...they were the eyes of his mother. It was the same look, the same understanding expression. They reached for his heart and wanted to share his turmoil. They wanted to help.

But he felt didn't deserve that help. He didn't deserve her help.

He looked down.

She took some steps towards him and bowed.

"Neji-niisan, Forgive me."

He didn't move from his frozen half-defeated position.

"...I...I...during all that time, the quarrel between father and uncle, uncle's death...I didn't do anything, I just remained passive. I didn't behave like a sister at all. I was so self-centered, self-closed. But that time, when we fought in the prelims, I saw it how painful it had been for you. I felt your suffering...and it hurt me, because, because you're my brother...and I've been so blind I let your suffer alone. I don't want you to suffer, I don't want you to be in pain Neji-niisan, because it hurts me to see you this way..."

He slowly clenched his fist.

"Neji-niisan..." Hinata looked at him worriedly.

Forgive her? "Forgive me" she said?

He was furious.

Why should he forgive her? How could he? That was crazy.

He was the one that should ask to be forgiven. Not her. Not her!!

And it angered him even more. It pissed him off. He was such an awful bastard.

He wanted to cry.

He wanted to scream.

He wanted to shake some sense into her.

God, was she that nice? Was she such a good person? And how come he didn't see it earlier? How come he...

But he did see it that day. That day they first met. That day when she was turning three. That day she was officially becoming the Hyuga Main family heiress and he was to receive that seal.

That day it all started.

Hinata-sama...She was like a little goddess. Caring and good to everybody. Even to the worst person he was.

No, he would never forgive himself for what he did to her.

He would never be her brother. No matter how much she thinks he is.

Hands started to shake.

"Neji-niisan...please..."

He stood up.

"I have to go..."

He walked away.

"...please...stop hurting yourself..."

He stopped.

The tone was utterly pleading.

"What----" he started, turning to her.

She had left.

~...Stop hurting yourself...~

The day had been a bad one.

He had messed up the mission and Tenten had had to shake him of his out-of-the-world state more than twice. Gai-sensei even gave him the serious look meant for the ever-distracted Lee. How could he pretend to be a ninja while he could barely concentrate? But Hinata-sama's words were still haunting him.

He didn't understand.

"hurting yourself...". Hurting himself? She wanted him to stop hurting himself. What did she mean by that?

Did he have suicidal tendencies? He didn't...he knew he didn't...Then what was the meaning of those words? He wasn't hurting himself, did he? Then, why would she say that?

He quietly lay down on his bed.

A knock on the door.

"Can I come in?"

"Yes..."

The woman entered the room.

She silently opened his wardrobe and put some clothes in.

"Mom..." he called as she was retreating to the door.

"Yes?"

"...am I hurting myself?..." he choke out.

The woman's eyes widened, then gradually softened.

"...I don't know how to say this but..." she sighed "...It's just that...You...I sometimes have the feeling that you're...keepin things in your heart. You keep the pain in you...it's as if you don't want it to ease, as if you keep it because you deserve it. And...I feel helpless, because it hurts me to see you like that, yet I can't do anything. I can't, because you don't want to share it with me. You want to suffer it alone...and I feel I'm useless...and it pains me." she wiped a tear. "...Since Hizashi died, you've been like that...I don't want you to blame yourself for things you didn't do and----"

"But what about the things I did?" he interrupted. "Shouldn't I blame myself for them?"

She shook her head.

"Everybody wants to be forgiven...even the worst of criminal would try to make out for his crime. And even if he doesn't forgive himself, other people would, and that should be enough to make him want to be forgiven..." she paused "As for me, even if you were an S-class murderer, somehow, I would forgive you...because I would still care about you."

Silence.

The room had darkened.

"...Sleep well my dear..." she exited the room.

He kept staring in space.

Forgiveness, that's what it was about? To forgive, to be forgiven...

He understood. He understood the day she asked him to forgive her she was trying to forgive herself aswell. He understood Hinata had forgiven him since a long time ago.

She had forgiven him for the things he did to her all along these years.

She had forgiven him and she was asking him to forgive himself.

But could he? It was hard. It felt impossible the more he realized his faults. It felt beyond his strenght. Could he erase what he had done? He couldn't...But he could still make up for what he did.

He could still try to merit her forgiveness.

Hinata-sama had had the strenght to overcome the pain he did to her, to overcome her suffering and forgive him. Yet he didn't answer her request. He didn't tell her he forgave her. He had cowardly avoided her. He had run away from her, feeling so low next to her, caring about nothing but his little pride, forgetting that she wanted something he only could give.

She still trusted him. She still believed he had a kind heart. She believed he would forgive her and himself. 

She believed he was strong enough to overcome these negative feelings in him.

For once she wasn't worried about him.

For once she was relying on him.

He wouldn't disappoint her.

He closed his eyes.

"Goodnight mom..."