~Smile, You're on Weasley Camera!~
Harry's Sidekick Ron
--Phone Conversation, 7:34 pm, Sharon's computer room--
Sharon: Ok, you want to be in on this A/N?
Vanessa: *laughs* Well, it's not like I'm an author or anything, but sure!
Sharon: Right. That does mean that this will be a very long and drawn-out conversation.
Vanessa: Or I could just come over.
Sharon: Can't. Me mam's not home.
Vanessa: So?
Sharon: Hum. Can your parents drive here and back?
Vanessa: How about if I ask them?
Sharon: Sure. *hums and twiddles thumbs for a bit*
Vanessa: Hey, the parentals said yes!
Sharon: Excellent!
Vanessa: See you in a couple of minutes.
Sharon: 'Ta.
--End Phone Convo—
Sharon: *Gets the brilliant idea to actually include the –real- co-author of the fic in the A/N.* Hi, Mel, guess what I just did that you'll hate me forever for?
Mel: *panicked* What?!
Sharon: I included Nessa in our Notes.
Mel: …Why?
Sharon: …For reasons best suited to myself.
Mel: I see. Please note that this is the authors' own demented version of 'Jesus' Brother Bob'. I own it.
Sharon: Originally of that Arrogant Worms. But who's concerned with original? Hey, you'll never guess what I found!
Mel: What?
Sharon: More proof. Seriously! Let me quote this one author's fic that I read: "… Though he wasn't laughing loudly and banging his fist on the table like Draco was."
Mel: That's it?
Sharon: that's it.
Mel: That's not evidence, that's a descriptive sentence!
--Vanessa arrives, 7:47—
Sharon: Hey, come in, I've got Mel on the phone. Right here.
Vanessa: Hey, this is going to be a great author's note.
Sharon: *laughs madly* I know.
John: Don't be too long on the phone, I'm waiting for a call.
Sharon: Fine. I got to go, I'll call you back, all right? Ta-ta.
Mel: Fine. Bye.
--End of Phone Convo (or is it?)--
Sharon: Can you type quickly?
Nessa: Sure.
Sharon: Good, you take over. You have to write everything I say.
Nessa: *begins typing… you have to--*
Sharon: No, not THAT.
Nessa: *still typing*
Both: *laugh madly and start reading the previous chapter of the fic, uttering random and strange comments, and singing "Canada Is Really Big" (a damn cool song, by the Arrogant Worms, if anyone cares. YES, you CARE!!!) Try to change seats, having a LOT of difficulty with the simple maneuver*
Nessa: We can do this, really, we can.
Sharon: We did it. Go us! YAY! *exchanges high-five with Nessa*
Both: *laugh at the idiocy of…well…themselves*
Nessa: How do you spell maneuver? At this time of night, I really don't care.
Sharon: You're sounding more like me every minute. *tear* I'm so proud. Besides, the lovely spell-check will get it! John, are you done with the phone yet?
John: Nope.
Sharon: No, he's not.
John; *hangs up the phone*
Sharon: Oh, he's done. Start the phone convo.
--Phone Convo With Mel Resumes--
Sharon: *walks back in the door* Oh, 'e's died. (In BAD accent. NOT my fault, really) *mutters* Liar.
Mel: Leave me alone.
Sharon: No. Right, back on.
Mel: I noticed, this is fun.
Sharon: We can mock you, and you can't do anything about it. As is usual. Do you want this peanut butter pancake? *Nessa looks at it in revulsion and shakes head* All right, your loss then.
Mel: please tell me you didn't say peanut butter pancake.
Sharon: *indignant* I DID say peanut butter pancake, they're GOOD!
Mel: Ew.
Sharon: Xena! (That would be her dog)
Nessa: Oh sure, make the dog eat the pancake.
Sharon: I will, too. Hope she's not allergic to it.
Mel: You're nice. (Sarcasm, dur)
Sharon: I AM nice. You can't use 'dur', Nessa. That's MY word.
Nessa: *uses it anyway*
Sharon: Damn, you Vanessa, damn you. And scribe that. Isn't this supposed to be about the fic or something? Now sod off and stop tormenting me, demon!
Mel: Which one?
Sharon: BOTH OF YOU! *Mutters* Obviously. *Chortling hysterically*
Mel: We should end this soon.
Sharon and Nessa: NYAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! (Stupid computer)
Nessa: How do we scribe THAT?
Sharon: I'll spell it out for you.
*Door opens somewhere off in the distance*
Sharon: *cocks an ear* Brother. We're safe.
Nessa: Good. *Giggles hysterically at what rude innuendo she thinks she hears in the word COCKS*
Sharon: Nessa! This is SUPPOSED to be PG!!! Mel, can I hit Nessa over the head with the phone?
Mel: Go ahead.
Sharon: ALL RIGHT! *Proceeds to smack Nessa over the head with the phone* Mel, tell her it's supposed to be PG.
Nessa: *Takes phone from Sharon*
Mel: It's supposed to be PG.
Nessa: All I said what "giggles hysterically at what rude innuendo she thinks she hears in the word COCKS" That is still PG. Almost. *Into phone* Permission to hit Sharon with the phone?
Sharon: NOOOOO!
Nessa: YES! *Proceeds to clunk Sharon over the head with the phone*
Sharon: *Steals phone back, listens for a minute* HEY! She did NOT say you could do that.
Nessa: *Evil cackle*
Mel: We should get to the fic soon.
Sharon: *Ignoring Mel* Awww, Xena wants some peanut butter pancake, doesn't she?
Nessa: EW!
Sharon: Shut up Nessa *Into phone* And don't you start either.
Mel: I said nothing.
Phil: Sharon, can you get off the phone? You've been on for a really long time. I tried to call from work for a ride, and you were on the phone.
Sharon: Sorry. Mel, you wouldn't believe this, but I've got to go again. Me and Ness will finish the author's note.
Mel: Just don't make it too long.
Sharon: *Long pause* What would you do if I hung up right now without answering that?
Mel: Let's see. I would go onto the Internet, into our file and delete the chapter and rewrite it?
Sharon: YOU WOULD NOT!!!
Mel: Riight.
Sharon: Got to go. Bye.
--Phone Convo Ends—
Sharon: See, I never DID answer whether I would make it long or not. *Twin evil grins* Perhaps we should end this, you think?
Nessa: *Long pause, while glancing at how incredibly LONG this A/N is* I suppose we should.
Sharon: *Points madly at computer, slowly looming to attack the screen (In case you care, this is because her BLOODY program turns anything with stars around it into bold type, and it's REALLY REALLY annoying.)*
Nessa: *Backspacing* Hurry up, you idiot computer. You are about to meet your doom.
Sharon: *Claws at computer screen madly, and then examines fingernails*
Nessa: *Forces Sharon back into her seat*
Sharon: *Pouts*
Computer: DOES IT AGAIN!!!!!
Sharon: NYRAAAAHHHHHH! *Begins to punch at the screen with knuckles. Examines knuckles to check damage*
Nessa: Stop that. You're getting as bad as Corrigan. (You DON'T want to know who that is. TRUST ME. It gets me in a Mel-rant for hours and hours)
Sharon: Right. Onto the fic.
***
Little sparkly things crackled on the screen, causing the audience to "Ooh!" and "Aah!", like those annoying swots do at fireworks displays. The little sparkles settled, revealing the Gryffindor Common Room. The room was empty, except for two people: Harry Potter and Ron Weasley
"Well, Ron, I've got to head back into the Forbidden Forest."
Ron looked rather pissed. "Why THIS time?"
"The same reason as always; I rush out to rescue someone, nearly die, miraculously recover, and get my picture on the front of the newspaper." Harry looks at Ron as though the answer should have been obvious.
"Can't I go save someone? Why am I always the SIDEKICK? Why can't I be the HERO?"
"Don't worry, Ron," replied Harry. "You're a great sidekick!" He ran up to the boy's dormitory, then came back down sheepishly. "Portrait hole's this way, isn't it?" Without waiting for an answer, harry headed toward the Forbidden Forest.
"Stupid prat," said Ron, flopping down onto one of the big red chairs. "He doesn't get it. I never get ANYTHING. Even Hermione is better known than me!" He sighed melodramatically, then began to sing.
"If you haven't heard of me,
I wouldn't be surprised,
I bet you know my friends;
Their names will never die.
Hermione is a genius,
And Harry has a scar,
But all I am is Harry's Sidekick Ron.
Harry's Sidekick Ron;
Harry's Sidekick Ron;
A nobody shadow of the Boy-Who-Should-Be-Blonde,
If only I'd been born to a different family,
I'd do better than to bask in other's glory.
I have to pay the clerk,
To buy 'Break With A Banshee,'
But not my friend; no, not him;
He gets them ALL for free.
I finally get to school
After destroying a car,
And still Harry makes the cover,
With his stupid scar.
Harry's Sidekick Ron;
Harry's Sidekick Ron;
A nobody shadow of the Boy-Who-Should-Be-Blonde,
If only I'd been born to a different family,
I'd do better than to bask in other's glory.
One day in the Gryffindor Tower,
I heard a mighty roar,
There were a thousand people,
Lying wounded on the floor"
As Ron sang on screen, McGonagall whispered to Snape, "I remember that. Wasn't that the day Professor Flitwick was teaching Neville Longbottom the Severing Charm?" Snape sneered, though it was apparent that he found that day rather amusing. They turned back to the screen.
"Help us, Harry, help us,"
Came the screaming from the mob.
Then they got a look at me,
"Aw, nuts, it's only Ron."
"Harry's Sidekick Ron;
Harry's Sidekick Ron;
A nobody shadow of the Boy-Who-Should-Be-Blonde,
If only I'd been born to a different family,
I'd do better than to bask in other's glory.
"He was cursed by You-Know-Who,
I thought that I was free,
Finally, people could get to know me, for me."
At this point, Draco Malfoy walked across the screen. He looked rather happy about something.
"Hi Ron."
"Hi Draco…Malfoy?! What are you doing in the GRYFFINDOR TOWER?" Malfoy looked rather guilty.
"Umm…nothing. Got to go, bye!" The Slyth ran toward the portrait hole as fast as his ferrety legs could carry him. Ron shook his head and resumed singing.
"This was my big chance,
To finally get ahead…
The next thing you know,
There's another great Scarhead!
"Harry's Sidekick Ron;
Harry's Sidekick Ron;
A nobody shadow of the Boy-Who-Should-Be-Blonde,
If only I'd been born to a different family,
I'd do better than to bask in other's glory.
"Harry's Sidekick Ron;
Harry's Sidekick Ron;
A nobody shadow of the Boy-Who-Should-Be-Blonde,
If only I'd been born to a different family,
I'd do better than to bask in other's glory.
"The Boooooy—Ron."
The screen turned blue again in a hurry, and a few unsure claps sounded in the Great Hall. Hermoiny leaned over to Ron.
"That didn't make any sense!"
"What?"
"Harry wasn't cursed. You-Know-Who didn't even come after him this year, which is why he's in the Hospital Wing right now, remember?"
"Who cares, 'Mione?" Ron huffed, "I'm a great singer!"
Hermione heaved an exasperated sigh, and gave up. Ron, she devoutly believed, was another one who should have been blond.
George stood up and addressed (ACK!!! Nearly typed 'undressed'! Hum, not so sure that I'm not going to go and change it back!) the crowd. "I hope you're enjoying yourselves! It's not over yet. And now, for our next performance—" He flicked his wand at the screen, but instead of playing the next clip, the wand turned into a mouse with a loud 'SQUEAK' and scurried off. "Oi, Fred, I thought we were out of trick wands!"
Fred shrugged and George grabbed his real wand. The screen faded into another scene in short order.
***
A/N: Right. I had nothing to do with that, it was all Aindel's fault. Before I respond to reviews, there are but few things I feel should be made general public knowledge:
1. Draco Malfoy is a lousy git and Severus Snape is the world's hottest, most manly man. And he is REAL!
2. Yester morn I ate a Bacon 'N' Sour Cream chip that had the likeness of a dog in the middle of the negative space. It wasn't just me, either. All my friends saw it there, too. It tasted good and reminded me of Snape.
3. The reference to 'proof' that was at the beginning of the author's notes is from the following:
"…Across the Great Hall, Harry could see Malfoy banging his goblet on the table. It was a sickening sight."
That is a REAL STATEMENT from one of the books, likely the first one. I believe that the other quote from a random fanfic author's story is just the clinching proof of Draco's unhealthy perversion of having sex in public, and on tables meant for eating.
That's all! If you wrote a review, good for you. You shall be spared when the Final Reckoning comes. All the rest of you soused sots, leave a review. MOST CREATIVE DEATH THREAT gets a special dedication next chapter!
PS: Aindel wanted to formally protest that fact that I used the word 'sex' in a PG fic. Let me just say:
SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX!
There.
Reviews:
Andaisha: Actually, no, Aindel came up with it. I did, however, write the last chapter, as you would know if you bothered to read A/Ns. Now review again. Again! AGAIN!!!
C Jazz: And don't apologize! Every time I try to talk to someone, it's "Sorry this," or "Forgive me that," or "I'm not –worthy-"… don't worry. We don't care whether you bellow at us; we rather enjoy it. *Grins* I like the rambles, too. Of course, my silver tongue usually gives me the upper hand in witticism fights. 'Ta.
AlexaDonaghy: Don't you worry. We seem to be writing at a fairly good clip. *knocks on wood*
I SUPPORT THE WRONG 'SHIP DRACO/GOBLET! I have proof, what do you have?
~Cy @--- and Aindel