Disclaimer- YAH!!!!!!!!! ME NO OWN WWE!!!!
Locked In A House
Chapter 1- The Arrival
[20 WWE superstars are standing in front of a HUGE house. Suddenly, Jade [a.k.a. me] appears in a puff of purple smoke.]
Ja: Heya! I'm Jade! You're here for…a…er, vacation! Now, you! [she points to Lita, who begins to look terrified] for the sake of the readers, please say your name and something else about you.
L- Um…ok…I'm Lita and…I used to live in Florida.
MH- I'm Matt Hardy, and he's my brother. [Jabs finger at Jeff]
JH- Hi! I'm Jeff Hardy and I like Skittles! *He seems very hyper*
Ja- I'm sure you do. Next.
T- Oops. *She leans down very slowly to pick up a quarter, all the men stare* I'm Trish Stratus by the way, and I'm from Canada.
SM- I'm Stephanie McMahon and I'm rich. [eyes Y2J]
Y2J- I'm Chris Jericho, an Undisputed living legend, KING OF THE WORLD!
Ja- In very shiny pants, NEXT!
E- I'm Edge, and I hate him *Points at Christian*
C- I'm Christian and [points at Edge] he's my brother and I hate him. I also dislike America and want to go back to Canada and live among the moose.
Ja- Alright, just for that, I'm DQing you. [She picks Christian up, raises him up over her head, and throws him into Uzbekistan] I need a replacement! [Shawn Micheals walks on, a smile on his face (like always)] And you are?
HBK- Shawn Micheals. You can also call me the Heart Break Kid because I am too damn sexy for any woman here!
T- You wish!
UT- I'm the Undertaker and I demand respect, damnit!
R- FINALLY, the Rock has come back to…this house! Hey Trish, would you like to try the Rock's [hip movements] strudel?
Ja- Flirt later, sicko! NEXT!
H- I am the Hurricane! Resident superhero here to protect you all!
DDP- I'm Diamond Dallas Page. I'm here to help you like you and that's not a bad thing, that's a good thing!! *freaky smile*
Ja [twitching]- Scary…smile…teeth…too shiny…NEXT!
SCSA- What? I said I'm Stone Cold Steve Austin! What? I'm the toughest SOB here! What?
KA- I'm Kurt Angle and I like milk, oh it's true it's true.
RVD- Life's always cool for me cuz I'm [thumb thingy] Rob Van Dam!
BT- I'm Booker T [staring at his hand] the 5 time, 5 time, 5 time, 5 time, 5 time WCW World Champion, now can you dig that sucka?!?!?!?!?!
GD-My name is *freaky inhale* Goldust! I like gold. [Booker T looks very scared]
M- I'm Molly Holly and you don't deserve to see me!
WR- I'm William Regal and I hate all you dirty Americans.
Ja- Again, DQ! Hi-YAH! [Dropkicks Regal into Tajekistan] REPLACEMENT! [Bradshaw enters] And you are?
B- I'm Bradshaw and I'm from Texas.
UT- No way, me too!
Ja- Talk later! Next.
J- I'm Jacqueline, don't mess with me.
Ja-Well, now that we've got THAT out of the way, here are the rules.
UT- Rules? What the hell?! I thought we were on a vacation!
H- Yeah, wazupwitdat?!
Ja- Ok, I lied! You're here for an experiment and when it's over if you're not dead I'm gonna kill you all and donate your brains to science! Happy? Now shut up and listen! First, you can't leave the house except to go out to eat. And believe me, I will KNOW if you go anywhere else. I'm always watching. [Everyone looks scared] But anyway, moving on, there are 5 bedrooms; only 4 people can stay in each one. Oh, try to put at least ONE member of the opposite sex in each room. So, for example, if there were 3 guys in one room, a girl would have to join them. Finally, if you leave the house at any time other than going out to eat, you will be disqualified and thrown into the Pit of Shame where midget clowns will point at you with sticks and laugh…a lot.
RVD- Midget clowns?
Ja- Yes. Midget clowns. Their names are Bobo, Joe, Moe and Larry. You got a problem with that? Huh, you bum?!
RVD- I'm not a bum, I'm [thumb thingy] Rob Van Dam!
Ja- I'm sure you are. Now, ANYWAY before I forget, you will get paid. [everyone is suddenly interested] But how much you get paid depends on when you leave. For instance, if you leave first, you get a dollar. But if you leave last, not only do you get a large amount of money but you also win [pauses dramatically] the MYSTERY PRIZE! Ok, that's it. Have fun! [She disappears in a puff of purple smoke. The superstars enter the house]
UT- Damnit! This house is huge!
MH- Guess we should claim rooms now.
[Everyone agrees, and in the end after a few fist fights, lots of screaming, and a couple flying ostriches these are the arrangements:
Room 1: Matt, Jeff, Lita, Trish
Room 2: Taker, Bradshaw, Molly Holly, The Hurricane- poor Taker…
Room 3: Steph, Austin, Y2J, DDP- poor Steph and Y2J, wait screw that, poor Austin!
Room 4: Edge, Jacqueline, The Rock, Kurt Angle- 10 bucks says Kurt doesn't last 2 days
Room 5: Booker T, Goldust, RVD, HBK- poor HBK…poor, poor HBK
Back in Room 1…]
[Lita is looking out the window, apparently depressed]
MH- Hey, you ok?
L- Yeah…no, not really. My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday, that's all.
MH- I'm sorry.
L-It's alright. You didn't know. [The two look deep into each other's eyes. They don't seem to realize Jeff and Trish are watching]
T-They'd be such a cute couple
JH- Uh huh…yeah. [Jeff seems very uninterested, as he is eating a King Sized bag of Skittles]
[Room 2]
UT- DAMNIT! I demand respect!
H- I understand, citizen Undertaker, that you demand respect and I will give it to you because I am [pauses] the Hurricane!
B-You two are full of shit you know that?
M- Gee golly gosh, Bradshaw, please don't use such language!
B-Make that you THREE!
[Room 3]
SM- AUGH! Somebody stole my lotion!
SCSA- What? I said shut up! What? Be quiet! What?
DDP-Do you like you? If you don't, I'm here to help you and that's not a bad thing, that's a good thing! [freaky smile]
Y2J-What did I do to get stuck with these ass clowns? What?!
Ja [just my voice in his read really]- You started all the undisputed living legend king of the world crap.
Y2J- Would you PLEASE…shut the hell up?!
Ja- As nice as it is to hear you say that, I don't think so.
Y2J- Help me…
SCSA- What the hell's with him? What? Why's he acting like that? What?
SM- Why do I care?
DDP- I'm here to help you like you! [freaky smile]
[Room 4]
R- The Rock cannot believe he got stuck rooming with this jabroni!
E- Hey, I suffer you suffer man! And this totally reeks of heniosity!
KA [unpacking a teddy bear]- Don't listen to him Mr. Snuggles. You know the Rock wasn't calling you a jabroni.
R- What did the Rock do to deserve this?!
J- Forget the Rock what did I do to deserve this?!
[Room 5]
[RVD is frantically searching his suitcase. After a few minutes he pulls out a bottle of vanilla extract, takes off the cap and inhales. (a/n-Yes, folks, that's right. Vanilla extract.)]
RVD- Cool…
BT- Tell me he's not getting' high off vanilla extract!
GD- I see [freaky inhale] drugs in your future.
RVD-Nope, tried 'em already. [He inhales again]
GD- okay…[turns to Booker T] I see [freaky inhale] love in your future [smiles seductively]
BT- Man that is it! I am outta here! I don't care if I'm only getting a dollar! [He picks up his suitcase and runs out, only to be dragged away by Gonzo and the Ewoks to the Pit of Shame]
HBK [thinking]- Hey, didn't that crazy chick say we have to have one girl or something in each room?
RVD-What, isn't Goldust close enough? [He inhales again and Goldust gives him a dark look]
SCSA- WHAT?
HBK- Where the hell did he just come from?
RVD- I dunno. [Inhales deeply]
[Later on, everyone is seated in the large living room. Well, almost everyone. RVD is upstairs sniffing MORE vanilla, and Jeff is bouncing around…everywhere, due to the enormous amount of skittles he ate]
JH- Hey Matt! Hey Lita!
MH- Jeff [speaking very slowly] How many King Sized bags of Skittles did you eat?
JH- Only about 2 ½...I think
MH- Only?
L- We're in for an interesting night, huh?
MH- Yup.
UT- I demand respect and I'm hungry damnit!
DDP- There's no food and that's not a good thing, that's a bad thing! [tries to turn his freaky smile up-side down but it only comes out looking even worse than usual]
E- Dude, never do that again! It so totally reeks of scaryness!
H-Yeah, wazupwitdat?!
HBK- Hey, the crazy chick said we could go out to eat, so let's go!
JH- Yeah yeah yeah! Go go go!
R- Will someone please give this jabroni a horse tranquilizer?!
MH- Hey! No one drugs my brother except me!
T- If you MEN are done, let's go. I'm really getting hungry here.
E- Dudes, unless you've forgotten we're kinda stranded. And that does not reek of awesomeness!
[As if on cue a large bus with the WWE logo all over it appears in the driveway]
RVD [now downstairs]- Cool.
E[the poor guy has decided not to figure this out]- Whatever.
SCSA- WHAT?!
E- Dude, shut up!
[The group piles into the bus and after a few fights and lots of shouting they go to a roadside diner. Inside the diner…]
UT- I want my food now, damnit!
HBK- Chill, taker, we haven't even ordered yet.
UT- You did not just call me taker.
HBK- And you did not just commit copyright infringement on Booker T.
UT- Well you did too!
HBK- Screw you!
UT- Sorry, I'm straight, see my 'Sara' tattoo? That's my wife!
HBK- Why you…[they begin to fight until Jacqueline and the Rock pull them apart]
J- The waitress is here, go on Undertaker, you order first.
[The group orders, eats, and leaves. In the bus…]
MH- Yo, Jericho, come here.
Y2J- What do you want, junior?
MH- We gotta get rid of DDP!
Y2J- Why?
MH- He's hitting on Lita!
Y2J- No, actually, he looks like he's telling her he has to go to the bathroom. Either that or performing some odd ritual dance.
DDP- Guys, I really gotta go!
UT- Quiet boy! You should have gone before we left!
DDP- I didn't have to go then! Can we pull over by a bush or something?! I really gotta go!
L- Jeff, pull over at that gas station. Both of you shut the hell up.
Y2J- Hey, hey hey! No copyright infringement, junior!
L- Shut up, blondie. [She returns to talking to Trish and Steph, about what, let's find out]
T- So…you like him, but what's the problem?
L- I don't know…it's the thing with Steve [a/n- Lita's ex]…
SM- Don't worry about it. Just go for it. Preferably later at night if you're both awake. And alone. I'm planning to do the same with Jericho…eventually.
T- Hah! I knew you liked him!
SM- What are you talking about?
L- Oh come on! You haven't taken your eyes off his crotch since we got here!
SM- Well…it looks very promising.
T- What you don't already know?
SM- Shut up.
T- Bitch!
SM- Whore!
T- Slut!
SM- Hoe!
L- Both of you shut up, you're even on all those terms.
[Trish and Stephanie mouth silently at Lita, who simply smirks, raises her eyebrows and looks out the window]
B- Aw, damnit!
UT- What?
SCSA- WHAT?
B- SHUT UP AUSTIN!
UT- why'd you say damnit, damnit?!
B- They didn't fight!
UT- Shit.
JH- There ya go DDP!
DDP- Thank you! I like you! [freaky smile]
[He gets off. Jeff pulls out another bag of Skittles and begins eating them.]
MH- Now, Jeff, go!
JH- Why?
MH- Don't ask questions, drive!
M- But you'll get him eliminated. That's not very nice.
MH- That's the idea.
JH- Okie dokie!
[They drive away and DDP is taken by Gonzo and The Ewoks and thrown into the Pit of Shame. Back at the house, Trish and Molly are in the conservatory (think Clue, people)]
T- So, then, I took off my top and-
M- AUGH! That is it! I am sick of listening to your slut stories! Find someone who cares! [She gets up. There are two exits on the conservatory. Molly accidentally takes the one that leads out the back door. Within the second, she is surrounded by Gonzo and the Ewoks and dragged off to the Pit of Shame] No! Stop! You can't do this to me! You're puppets! NOOOO!!!!!!!!
T- hah! I knew that would work! [She stands and leaves through the correct exit, a smirk on her face. In another room, 'Taker and Bradshaw are…er, talking about Texas, empty beer cans littering the ground around them]
UT- Texas *hic* rules, damnit! [He chugs his beer]
B- Damn *hic* straight! Want *hic* another one?
UT- Sure *hic*
B- Shit! *hic* I'm out!
UT- This *hic* sucks, damnit!
B- Austin stole 'em, I know it! AUSTIN! Come out and fight me like a man! [he runs out the door and down the stairs. In his drunken stupor he does not realize that he has run straight out the front door. He, like the others, is dragged away to the Pit of Shame.]
[2am that night- Lita comes downstairs and sees Matt sitting on one of the couches]
L- hey. [Lita's thoughts- What the heck. Maybe Steph's idea'll work after all.]
MH- Woah, I'm not alone. What're you doing up?
L- I couldn't sleep, you?
MH- Same.
[Lita sits down next to him and they make idle chitchat for a while. They run out of stupid things to talk about and Lita sighs sadly.]
MH- You okay?
L- Yeah…I know this'll sound stupid, but I miss my boyfriend. I just want to be with him again, and have it be like he never left me.
[Matt puts an arm around her shoulders] MH- Don't worry about it. That doesn't sound stupid at all. I know how you feel. My last girlfriend left me about a week ago.
L- You are such a sweetie, why would anyone want to break up with you?
MH- Well, thank you.
L- No problem. [She rests her head on his shoulder and eventually they both fall asleep.]
[Next morning- Room 1]
JH- Damnit…my head hurts…I am never eating that many Skittles again.
T- Poor baby, want me to kiss it better?
JH- Babe, you can kiss anything of mine better. [They start to kiss and we can now see that they are lying in bed, with only sheets covering them. You can guess what happened here last night. (And if you can't, talk to your parents about the birds and the bees).]
[Room 2]
H- Good morning Citizen Undertaker, and how are you this fine day?
UT- I wish you were gone, damnit. Well, that and I wish I had a bowl of butterscotch pudding.
[Room 3]
SM-Good morning, Sunshine.
Y2J- Steph…it's too early.
SM- Come on, it's nearly 10 o clock.
Y2J- Exactly! Early!
SM- Alright, but I'll be in the shower…
Y2J- Hey! Wait for me! [is suddenly wide awake]
[Room 4]
R- The Rock just had the most horrible dream! All the Rock's fans deserted him! It was terrible!
E- Dude, you woke me up, so not cool.
[They both hear an odd sound and look over to see Kurt muttering in his sleep about milk and medals. Edge suddenly smiles wickedly.]
E- Watch this. [He sneaks off and returns with a cup of water. He sets it on the table by Kurt's bed and carefully positions Kurt's hand so his fingers are in it.] Give it a few minutes and it'll be Big Daddy all over again.
[The Rock looks confused]
E- You know, when the kid wet the bed? This is so gonna reek of funny-ness!
R- How'd you find out that water made people wet their beds like little wimpy jabronis? [a/n- yeah that line was pathetic, I know]
E- One of my friends told me in elementary school. I've used it on Christian about 40 times. I'm surprised he hasn't figured it out yet, really. But it has to be warm water or it won't work.
R- Hmmm…[Rock's thoughts: Just wait til the Rock tries this out on HBK. That'll be funnier than anything the Rock has ever seen!]
[Room 5]
RVD- Ugh…vanilla…need…[struggles over to his suitcase half-asleep and yanks out ANOTHER bottle of vanilla extract. He inhales and relaxes] Cool…[he falls asleep and spills the vanilla, which was…(DUN DUN!) his last bottle.]
HBK [looks over and sees Goldust in bed next to him]- AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Downstairs, Jacqueline has come upon Matt Hardy and Lita, who, miraculously, are still asleep.]
J- If you saw that one coming raise your hand.
SCSA- What? I did! What? I saw- [Austin falls to the floor, having been knocked unconscious by some blunt...or not so blunt object which is later revealed to be…a MOP!]
J- Shit! [She gets an idea] Hurricane! Help!
H-Good morning and what can I do for you today, citizen Jacqueline?
J- I think there's a villain in the house! Or maybe on the lawn! Look what they did to Austin!
SCSA- daises dance on cotton candy clouds in the tangerine flag!
J- See?!
SCSA- ¡De nada!
H- I do see…and must vanquish this evildoer for I am…[pauses] THE HURRICANE! And I will start by thoroughly searching the area in front of the house. [He runs straight out the door, only to be grabbed by Gonzo and the Ewoks and dragged off to the Pit of Shame.] I'll get you!!!!!
SCSA: Butterflies do the YMCA in tiger holes!
TBC
Who hit Austin with the…mop? What exactly has it done to him? Why does Undertaker want butterscotch pudding? What is with all the sick implications? Am I being too cruel to the characters? Will this story ever get a plot? [Crickets chirp] Didn't think so! Tune in next time for most of the answers! PEACE OUT!
Oh, also, 'de nada' means 'you're welcome' in Spanish and a Conservatory is basically like a greenhouse. [just FYI, in case you were wondering]