Disclaimer- I give up! Vince won't even sell for 15 bucks!
When we last left off, 5 people had been eliminated and it was their first morning in the house. We open in the living room, where Matt Hardy and Lita are still asleep…
Locked In A House
Chapter 2- A Few More Bite The Dust
[Matt wakes up, then groans] MH: My butt hurts…
L: Well, good morning to you too.
MH: Sorry, I'm just not much of a morning person…plus, this couch is really uncomfortable!
[Lita stands up and begins stretching. Matt can't help but watch. (oi…men…)]
MH: Hey, I just thought of something. If we're down here…
L: Then Jeff and Trish are up there. [obviously not following Matt's train of thought]
MH: Alone…
L: Oh shit!
[The two run upstairs to see what has taken place during the night. Matt arrives first and slowly opens the door. Lita stands on tiptoes and peers over his shoulder. The room is currently empty but both can see the clothing strewn all around and hear the moaning coming from the attached bathroom. (Hey, this is an R rated fic for a reason, people!)]
L: Oh my…
MH: The horror…the horror!!!
HBK: you want to talk about horror?! What doesn't someone ask me how my night was?! HUH?!?!?!?!
L: Ok, how was your night?
HBK: TERRIBLE! Remember how Taker, Austin, and I bought those Coors 12 packs before we left the diner? [Lita nods slowly, very scared] Well, I obviously got more drunk than I thought because when I woke up this morning Goldust was lying next to me! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!!
L: Alright, Shawn, here's what you're gonna do. Down the street there's a nice man you can talk to about your…er…problem…s. He'll give you your own jacket and a room to stay in. All you have to do is walk down the street. Okay?
HBK: Okie dokie! [begins to walk off, then turns around] By the way, this wouldn't happen to be some thinly veiled plot to get me eliminated, would it?
L: No, of course not.
HBK: Oh, ok! [skips off, singing] Fa la la la la! [skips out the front door, and is promptly grabbed by Gonzo and the Ewoks] I'll get you, you lying bitch!
L: Yeah, when hell freezes over. And you! [turns to Matt, who has begun banging his head on the wall] Quit that! You'll cause permanent brain damage!
MH: So?! At least then I won't have to think about Jeff…and Trish…AUGH!!! [goes backing to hitting his head]
L: Ok, I didn't want to do this until we got to know each other better, but it seems as if I've got no choice. [She grabs Matt, turns him around, and kisses him. Matt looks surprised at first but begins to kiss her back and before you can say 'virginity' they are making out in the middle of the hallway]
SM: [looking at Matt and Lita] Told her it would work. [she smirks and walks downstairs]
[Meanwhile, the Rock is in the kitchen buttering a bagel. Goldust walks in.]
GD: So, Rocky, tell me…are you ever lonely? Do you ever need someone to…cuddle with?
[The Rock turns and glares at Goldust through his sunglasses (I swear he almost never takes them off!).]
R- The Rock thinks you better get outta here right now, you sick…ffffreak!
GD- You won't be saying that…in half an hour.
[That was simply too much. The Rock whips off his sunglasses and glares at Goldust, who smiles back seductively…what an idiot…]
R- the Rock says you better get outta here before the Rock takes his boot, turns it sideways and sticks it straight up your candy ass!
GD- that would feel yummy…
[He tries, AGAIN, to come onto the Rock. After a minor…or not so minor…tussle, Goldust is thrown out the window and chucked into the Pit of Shame]
BT [in Pit of Shame]- NO!!!!!!!!!!!
[We see AngryMew2 typing at her computer]
AM2- Mwahahaha!
[Back in the house, the Rock has finally gotten to eat his bagel. We pan to room 4, where Kurt has finally woken up…and he is very uncomfortable…]
K- What the…oh, shit! Mom said I had stopped this! Oh man, I gotta change and find some extra sheets! The guys are never gonna let me live this down if they see! Why didn't you warn me, Mr. Snuggles?
[Mr Snuggles is silent, I mean, really, he's a frickin' teddy bear!! Kurt begins running around the room looking for clean sheets when who should walk in but Jacqueline.]
J- Kurt…did you have some…problems during the night? [trying her hardest not to laugh]
K- Problems? No…oh, you mean…well…
[As Kurt continues to try and explain himself Edge returns carrying a large tube of toothpaste and other various dental hygiene products.]
E- Dude, you're a bed-wetter! [leans out the door] Yo, Austin! Come here!
K- Oh shit, I am so screwed!
SCSA- ¿Que?
E- Kurt's a bed-wetter!
SCSA- ¡Sí y el es muy estupido, tambien! [Runs out of the room laughing] [Translation- Yes and he is very stupid as well!]
E- Yeah, what the crazy guy said…Dude, Kurt…
K- Please, please don't tell anyone!
E- *smiling slyly* Don't you worry now. You're secret's safe with me.
KA- Thanks, Edge. It's good to know I have a friend I can count on.
[Stone Cold runs back in] SCSA- ¡Tu eres muy estupido! ¡Tu secreto NO es seguro con Edge! [Translation- You are very stupid! Your secret is NOT safe with Edge!]
K- I really wish I understood Spanish right now.
SCSA- ¡Sí, pero tu NO comprendes y yo soneriría mucho cuando tu secreto es informacíon general! [Translation- Yes, but you do NOT understand and I will laugh a lot when everyone knows your secret! (literally it means 'when your secret is general information')]
K- I have a distinct feeling that I'm screwed.
[We pan back to the kitchen. We see the Undertaker going through the cabinets, and he does not look happy.]
UT- Damnit, we have milk, eggs, and everything else but where's the pudding mix?!
Y2J- what the hell are you yelling about Junior?
AM2 [again, it's my voice in Jericho's head]- I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Y2J- You bitch! Get out my head!
AM2- Why should I?
Y2J- Because I am the Undisputed, living legend king of the world! BOW TO ME!
AM2- You do realize that if you continue to piss me off I can castrate you with a rusty coat hanger, right?
Y2J- Shit…another crazy author chick!
UT- Boy, who are you talking to?!
Y2J- Can't you hear her?
UT- Hear who?
Y2J- The crazy chick who locked us in! She's in here, damnit! She keeps talking, why can't you hear her?!
UT- You are messed up. Have you seen any pudding mix?
AM2- Don't you get it junior? No one can hear me but you!
Y2J- First of all, NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT! Second, what do you mean?!
AM2- Think about it. Don't tell me all your glittery clothing messed up your head!
Y2J- NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I'm possessed! HELP!!! [runs straight out the door, screaming like a maniac]
SM- Chrissy, wait, we still need to get married! [runs out after him]
[Again, we see AngryMew2 typing at her computer]
AM2- *giggling* That was fun. I love messing with people's heads.
[We return to room 5, where RVD has just woken up and realized that he's out of vanilla extract]
RVD- Cool dream…where's my vanilla? [He fumbles over to his suitcase and rifles through it for a while. But, surprise surprise, there is no vanilla to be found.] HOLY SHIT! Where's my vanilla extract?! I thought I brought more than 3 bottles!
[RVD runs down to the kitchen where Undertaker has finally located some pudding mix. The problem: it's not butterscotch.]
UT- DAMN YOU!!! Where's the butterscotch?!
RVD- Where's the vanilla, Taker, where?!
UT- I'm gonna ignore you jumping on me just now. The vanilla's right here. [he holds up a box of vanilla pudding mix]
RVD- No…not that! I mean the vanilla extract! I'm all out and that is SO not cool!
UT- Get the hell away from me, you screwed up stoner.
RVD- NO! Don't you understand?! I need vanilla damnit!!!!!!!!
[Undertaker is about to reply when something that appears to be a mop is brought down onto his head with a loud 'clunk!']
RVD- DUDE! You got hit with a mop! I need my vanilla! So not cool!
UT- At-whay appened-hay?
RVD- Alright, this is just too much! I need my vanilla! First Austin goes nutso now Taker, who's next?! WHO?!
AM2- You'll just have to wait and see. It all depends on my mood.
RVD- AUGH! VANILLA…wait…are you in my head?
AM2- You could say that.
RVD- But…but, you've gotta be at least as tall as Sable…how're u gonna fit in my head?
AM2- A little bit of magic.
RVD- Like in that Harry Potter book?
AM2- Exactly. I'm even working for Voldemort.
RVD- GAH!!!!!!!!!! You said his name!!!!!!!!!!! Help me!!!!!!!!! [He then proceeds to run out the door, in an uncanny impression of Jericho]
SCSA- What was that SOB talking about? WHAT? I'm fine. WHAT? I'm okay. WHAT?
E- Dude, do us all a favor and shut the hell up!
TBC!!
What language is Taker speaking? Why is Austin normal all of a sudden? Did I really possess Jericho? What's up with that whole thing anyway? What does Steph mean 'we gotta get married'? Will RVD ever get his vanilla extract? [I think you already know the answer to that one] Who keeps hitting people with the…mop? Why did I bother mentioning Harry Potter and…Voldemort? [I was OotP, what can I say?] TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR…AT LEAST ONE OF THE ANSWERS!
A/N- Actually, I am as tall as Sable. We're both 5'7''. Just a fun little bit of useless info. And I share my birthday with the late, great Andre the Giant. We were both born on May 19th. Another useless bit of info for you!