Day 5 – Fourths and Sixths

I'm sitting curled up on my sofa luxuriating in how soft it feels against my back. I can see the sun rising through the windows as I take a sip of my bitter coffee.

As I allow myself to feel human again.

It's strange though. The bright orange rays of sunlight shining through my windows seem almost a little too orange. And the freshly-brewed coffee I'm drinking seems almost a little too bitter. The couch that I can feel along my back – it is almost a little too soft.

But I am so glad that I am alone for the moment. The last two days have been almost overwhelming. It's like my life now has taken on a surreal quality. Back in confinement, everything was black. There was no escaping the reality of the situation. There were no distractions; there was no relief from its starkness. During those three weeks, I would have given anything for a sip of coffee, a pillow to sleep on or a glimpse of daylight. But now, for some reason they seem almost a little too much for me.

It's like there are too many distractions for me now.

But I know that I can't push my inner turmoil aside. I won't let me. I need to think on it and come to some kind of resolution with myself. Because at the moment it feels like my life is split in two. And more so than it was before.

Before I had my real life working with the CIA and then my double life working for SD-6.

Now, there is my life before captivity and after it. I can't avoid the effect of my thoughts and actions while locked away with Sark, but people expect me to carry on like it never happened. Like my life beforehand is that easy to return to.

Maybe it's because people think that I am used to splitting my focus. They think that I am used to living two lives and so now that I am back, I should be able to carry on easily. My life during captivity has no bearing on my real one. My other life is always a lie.

But the problem is that I am not really sure which life is real now, and which one is a lie. I know something inside me has changed - but it's not what everybody is worried about. I still hate Sloane, I still despise SD-6. I am still loyal to the CIA. These things still hold true.

But there has been a shift in my perceptions. A month ago, Sark was my enemy. Now he's my lover. Something inside of me must have changed.

Even though the word lover feels like a cancer in my thoughts, I force myself to acknowledge the truth.

But was I wrong before, or am I wrong now?

And is my life now split into fourths?

Francie cuts my thoughts off with a squeal from the hallway. "SYDNEY! You're home!"

I get up from the sofa and put my coffee down to hug her. "Hi Francie."

"Oh my gosh, how was your trip? Your dad stopped by a few weeks ago to tell me that the bank called you in at the last moment and asked you to go with a client up to his mountain hideaway to settle a deal. He said you would be gone for a little while, but jeez, you were gone almost a month! So how was northern Italy?"

Northern Italy? Oh right.

"Great. It was actually pretty intense. The scenery was beautiful but the work was pretty hectic. I'm glad to be back home."

"The scenery? You're gone for a month and that's all you have to talk about? Come on, I'm sure you didn't work everyday. I'm sure you got a chance to do some cool stuff? Cool enough that you didn't even think to call me or anything!"

I try to force out a lighthearted laugh. "Sorry Francie, the client's cabin was in a really remote village. I didn't really have contact with anyone except the clients that I was working with. It was supposed to be their little retreat away from the hectic business scene."

Francie rolls her eyes at me. "Oh yeah, that sounds like a retreat. All the executives getting together in a village to setup a bank deal."

I try to shrug to show that I can't even begin to understand the thought patterns of the filthy rich.

"Okay. I'm sorry. I can't stay and chat with you this morning, I have to go to the restaurant early for a delivery, but we'll chat when I get home ok? I'm sure you can think of some fun stories to tell me about your trip in the meantime." Francie leans over to give me a peck on the cheek before she grabs her keys off of the counter and waltzes out of the apartment.

Sure Francie. Sure. A fun story? So I have to split my life once again now to accommodate everyone?

First, there's the reality of what I lived on the ship.

Then there's the reality of what I should have lived, had I not opened myself up to Sark.

Now I have to create the reality of what I would have liked to live instead?

This isn't even counting my double life with SD-6.

I think I've lost track. Does the further split in my life make it fifths or sixths?