Month 16 – Two Lies to Hide the Truth

I pace back and forth across my living room. It's been twelve hours since I activated the ELT on my watch and not for the first time, I wonder if that was the right thing to do.

After all, is this really an emergency?

I pace around the sofa, in the half darkness. My living room is only illuminated by the glow of a small lamp. I just feel like hiding in the darkness right now. It suits my mood.

There have been times in my life when I've wondered if there exists some kind of higher being. Is there some reason for all the events in my life? Are they a part of some larger, master plan? Or does God want to test me for some reason? Does he want to see if I am strong enough, for a reason that only he can comprehend?

Is there some purpose behind all the turmoil in my life?

When I was a kid, my mother was taken from me and my father abandoned me to my nanny.

When I was ready to get married, my fiancé was taken from me and I learned that my entire adult life was based on a lie.

When I thought I had lost a dear friend of mine, I found my mother instead. And she shot me.

And then when I had thought that my life was finally figured out, I was stuck in a sea container with an assassin, and I fell in love with him.

Now it seems that Fate has finally played its Ace card.

Because now I am pregnant. And the father is a man that neither of my lives can acknowledge.

I hear a small noise coming from my back yard. I casually pull out the gun that I have hidden in my couch and I move slowly towards the back of the house.

Because since learning this new truth, twelve hours ago, I've also become incredibly paranoid.

What is SD-6 going to do?

What is the CIA going to do?

What am I going to do?

I see a dark figure through the glass window, moving towards the back door. I level my gun and cock it.

The figure stands up at the edge of the deck, and I see him clearly in the moonlight. I quickly uncock my weapon and tuck it into the back of my pants. I unlock the back door.

Sark comes in quickly and embraces me.

"Are you ok?" He asks me quietly and I nod, my face against his neck. "You looked pretty serious holding that gun. Is someone after you? Are you worried about SD-6?"

He releases me from his embrace and I take a step back. I shake my head.

How do I tell him?

"I'm pregnant."

My voice sounds loud, especially in the silence that follows. I see him take a small step back. I think that of all the things he expected me to tell him, that was not one of them.

At least he spares me the how's and the why's.

He just looks at me in fear.

"Does anyone else know?"

"No," I reply perhaps a tad sharper than I intended, "but I'm keeping it. I am not going to pretend this away."

He looks at me perplexed. "No…no I didn't mean it that way." He stutters. For perhaps the first time that I have ever known him, Sark looks unsure.

I go back to my living room and have a seat in the small armchair. Sark sits down on the couch. Finally after a few minutes, he speaks again. He is back to the Sark that I know. "Is there a safe person that SD-6 can reasonably assume is the father?"

I look at him for a moment, the choice of his wording not lost on me.

"Only my friend Will."

The CIA will likely think that Vaughn is the father.

Sark puts his head in his hands. I know what he is going to ask me, so I answer him before he can say the words. "If I am going to ask him to do that, I will have to tell him the truth. I can't ask him to do this while lying to him."

Sark answers me with silence.

Suddenly I hear the key in the front door and before I know it, the door is swinging open.

I look quickly over to the couch, but Sark is no longer there. I can only assume that he is hiding in the shadows.

"Hey Syd!" Will greets me as he comes in the door carrying some groceries. He shuts the door with his foot before putting down his bags so that he can take his shoes off. As he stands back up he looks at me curiously. "What are you doing, hiding in the dark?"

"Just thinking," I respond, as I watch him take off his jacket. He throws it onto the coat rack and comes over to me. He sits down on the couch, where Sark was just sitting.

And I wonder what right I have to do this to him.

"What's wrong Syd?' he asks me worriedly.

I take a deep breath. There is only one way to do this. I know that. For the safety of my unborn child, this is perhaps the only way. "I'm pregnant, Will."

Will looks at me in shock. I am thankful that I think he is long past any romantic feelings towards me, but that's not why I think this is going to hurt him.

"Oh my God. Are you sure?" he asks me, in shock.

I nod.

He sits back, and I can see all the questions running through his mind. Finally he has to ask. "Is it Vaughn's?"

I shake my head.

"No, it's not."

I turn and watch as Sark emerges from the darkness. Then I turn back to Will.

Will is staring at Sark, like he has seen a ghost. And then the shock fades, as the entire situation clears itself in his head. Then he jumps up.

"YOU!" Will shouts. His fists are clenched and I don't think I have ever seen Will this angry.

Sark has resumed his usual calm demeanor. "Mr. Tippin, I need your help."

"My help! You need my help!" Will turns away, but he turns back angrier than ever. "I hope you rot in hell you bastard!"

"There's no doubt that I will." Sark answers honestly and reaches back and takes something from his jacket. He brings his hand forward and offers Will his pistol. "Will you talk to me in private for a few minutes, Mr. Tippin?"

Will looks at the gun and then back at Sark. He shuns the pistol and turns away. Sark walks forward and heads down the hallway towards my bedroom.

Will looks at me. His eyes pleading with me, to tell him that it is all a lie.

I look away.

After a moment, Will turns from me and follows Sark down the hall.

And suddenly I am glad that Sark chose to do this in private. I can't bear to watch the sacrifice that each of these men will make.

Sark, for a man whose pride is everything is going to beg mercy from a man he once denied it to, though his actions may have ultimately saved his life.

Will, not understanding any of this, will be forced by loyalty towards a woman he once loved, to come to terms with a man he hates.

I stare at Will's forgotten groceries by the door and I wonder if things will ever be normal again.

…

Finally my bedroom door opens and Will comes out. He goes into the kitchen, and I see him open up the liquor cabinet and pour himself a drink. He keeps his back turned to me.

I get up and go to find Sark standing in the hallway. He is zipping up his dark jacket and heading towards the back door. He turns as he hears me approach.

"He'll do it." Sark says quietly and I can't help but reach for him.

He embraces me tightly. "Will you be alright by yourself for a little while?"

I nod. "Why? What are you going to do?"

He pulls back and brushes an errant strand of hair off my face. "I will have to change my plans slightly. I am not about to leave you and our child exposed to these kind of dangers."

"But it's my fight too! Don't go taking this all on your own."

Sark smiles slightly. "No, your fight has always been for your right to live a normal life. So go fight your fight, and live your life as normally as you can. Give our child as normal a life as possible. My fight is to destroy the Alliance. It's going to take me some time, but I promise you I will be back. And then we won't have to hide anything from the world."

He leans forward and kisses me hard on the lips. It feels like he's trying to imprint the feel of our kiss permanently onto his lips.

We break apart and he turns away. He opens the back door and before I can say another word, he is swallowed up into the night.

…

A few days later, I sit in the dusty warehouse alone, waiting for Vaughn to come in.

Finally I hear his footsteps on the cement floor.

He takes one look at my face and sits down across from me. "What's wrong?"

I look at him and my heart constricts. I wonder if it will get easier to say the words, the more times I say them.

"I'm pregnant," I utter for the third time.

Vaughn stares at me in shock.

I can see in his eyes that he knows the answer to the question that he hasn't asked.

But I also know that he now believes Sark's story. I gave him the ring. He developed the pictures, including those of Jonathan Richter. He knows who Richter is.

'Do you need a cover set up for SD-6?" He asks me quietly.

I shake my head. "No. Will knows. I am going to tell them that Will is the father. Will has agreed to be seen around with me, enough to convince Security Section that it's true."

Vaughn looks at me painfully and he knows what I am asking him. The CIA will think that Will is doing this to cover for him being the father. And hence the two lies will be in place to protect the truth. So that if there is a leak between the CIA and MI6, then the truth will still be safe.

Vaughn looks down at his hands. "Just tell me one thing, Syd. When did I lose my chance with you?"

"Vaughn…"

"No, maybe I'm being presumptuous but I thought for a while there…I could have been strong enough for you."

"Maybe." I sigh and look away for a moment. "But I guess I was just never worth the risk for you."

"It would have endangered you! Your life is not worth the risk."

"But it's my life and my life to risk if I so choose. You didn't even give me the choice to make. You didn't trust me enough to know the value of what I was risking."

Vaughn stands up and moves away from me.

Right now, he is angry, but I know he will keep my secret. He will keep it, even though he knows what it will mean. People will think that the child is his.

Some people might not understand why he would do this, but I think I do.  He's going to do it as a tribute, to what might have been if he'd had more courage.

It's only tribute he can give me to me now.

"Syd…" he looks at me pleadingly, for one last time. He's begging me to tell him that it doesn't have to be this way.

But the truth is, it does.

It's Sydney not Syd.

It'll never be Syd again.