Nightmare on Elf Street Part II- The Revenge of Legolas
First, to explain. Si thinks he looks like Tom Cruise. It is sadly true. Second, I bear no one any ill will. Pure plot bunny, and for my own cruel amusement. Rob, if you're reading this.What can I say? It's all done in the spirit of fun- (and revenge.)
It was some months later, and Rob and Emma had broken up. No, before anyone asks, it was not because of Legolas...Although he may have influenced the debate a little. Okay, more than a little. Quite a lot really.
Rob was, once again, at home, legs up on his desk, phone in hand, with a beer sitting nearby. He was talking to his current girlfriend Lulu, telling her about the time he'd dreamed of beating up on Legolas. Lulu laughed, and asked "Wimpy elves..."
At that, Rob felt a familiar sensation...Yeah, he was back in the forest. Bloody tunic, friend and beer nearby. Hang on, friend? "What the ---- man?" Simon looked confused. It was not a major expression change. "We are dreaming man, or at least, I'm dreaming, and you are in my dream." Rob replied with a characteristic shrug. "Couldn't this be my dream?" Simon asked, curiously. "I feel like me." Rob raised a sarcastic eyebrow. "When did you ever dream of Middle Earth because you had an ex that went on and on about elves 24/7?" Simon conceded the point. "Alright man, but how the hell do we wake you up? Sure you aren't tripping?" Rob hung his head slightly. "Lulu won't let me; says its bad for me. I'm only allowed at parties." Simon didn't bother to hide his smirk. "You are so henpecked, Rowse." "Am not." "Are."
A little while later, they had decided to walk and argue. They were, in fact, so busy arguing, that Simon walked into the arrow aimed at his chest. He jumped back with an exclamation "Holy ----!" Rob stood very still. "I don't know how I pissed you off, but I swear I didn't do it on purpose." The blonde elves cocked their heads, confused, and spoke to each other in another language. "What's happening?..." Simon enquired, curiously in a whisper. "I don't know, they're talking elfish...Emma used to speak it, but ---- me if I know any. By the way, don't laugh at their hair, it'll piss them off."
Rob muttered out of the corner of his mouth, eyes on the elves. Simon shut up and waited patiently. "Who are you and why do you roam the woods of Thranduil without his consent?" One of them finally spoke in Westron to the (once again) confused boys. "Who are you and why do you talk in that posh accent?"
Simon spoke before Rob could even attempt to kick him. The elf looked a little affronted. One of the other elves spoke softly. "You are right, they are just children. I am one of the guards of Mirkwood, young one. Do you have a purpose in this forest?" Rob almost snarled. Children? They were men. He said as much to the elves, and they laughed.
"You cannot defend yourself, you have no home and you are young. In our thoughts you are most definitely children!" One of the other elves stepped forwards. "We must take them to Thranduil's palace. They are too immature, even for humans, to remain in the woods by themselves."
The elves led them back into the brush. "Rob..." "Si?" "I'm feeling a bit...Well..." "What? Spit it out, cruiseyboy?" "That's just it! Tom Cruise ain't nothing compared with these guys! They could have any girl they chose?!" Rob patted his shoulder sympathetically. "Like Tasha always says 'the sound of a deflating ego is loud and boring.' Its okay, mate, we'll get through this." Si looked suspiciously at Rob. Was he laughing at him?
As they drew near to the palace, they crossed a river, to the elves amusement. There was a challenge involved- the only way across was a rope bridge. Two elves ran easily across the slender rope. Rob and Simon exchanged pained glances, soon they would have no machismo to fall back on. There was no way they could do this. "Er, mate, I'm sorry, but we can't do that." Rob tapped the elf on the shoulder pointing at an elf crossing. The elf smiled patronisingly. "Don't fear, youngling, we will make it easier. Look, you are to go next." If this was their idea of easier, Rob would hate to see an elf in difficulty. There were now three ropes, two to hold, one to walk on. Rob felt himself being steered forwards. "Oh ----," He muttered, taking a breath. The river was fast and looked very cold and deep. He slowly made his way across, shaking as he got off at the other end.
"C'mon Si! You next!" Si shook his head violently. What? "Its easy mate!" "I hate water! I'll fall in!" "Don't be such a p---y, the water'll only get your hair wet!" "You and your fricking dreams! Wake up Rob! Wake up! If I could reach you I'd bloody wake you up!" Simon advanced warily towards the rope, and placed a foot tenderly on the main rope. It wiggled and bent with his weight. He drew backwards, but steeled himself with a deep breath. Rob could see his mate was scared s--- less. "Go on Si! Think of Rambo!"
After a lot of whimpering and whinging, Si managed to get across. The elves had not jeered at his weakness, and had seemed to respect that he was challenging a major personal fear. Although some of them did have small smirks. And they did talk loudly and rapidly in elfish as they steered the 'children' through the forest, towards an avenue of trees. Rob had the feeling they were being sized up.
"Look at that one; it is puffing its little chest out! That does not make a man!" "And the other, he runs a hand through his hair every second and prances as do highly strung horses!" "And the darker haired one, he smells!"
The boys were right. They were being sized up. And the elves firmly believed their first impression was correct. It was.
Ok! Sorry I haven't updated for ages but I ran out of ideas- what can I say?? Please, if you liked this, read my other ficlet, a parody of Sherlock Holmes named 'Mysteries and Misunderstandings'.
First, to explain. Si thinks he looks like Tom Cruise. It is sadly true. Second, I bear no one any ill will. Pure plot bunny, and for my own cruel amusement. Rob, if you're reading this.What can I say? It's all done in the spirit of fun- (and revenge.)
It was some months later, and Rob and Emma had broken up. No, before anyone asks, it was not because of Legolas...Although he may have influenced the debate a little. Okay, more than a little. Quite a lot really.
Rob was, once again, at home, legs up on his desk, phone in hand, with a beer sitting nearby. He was talking to his current girlfriend Lulu, telling her about the time he'd dreamed of beating up on Legolas. Lulu laughed, and asked "Wimpy elves..."
At that, Rob felt a familiar sensation...Yeah, he was back in the forest. Bloody tunic, friend and beer nearby. Hang on, friend? "What the ---- man?" Simon looked confused. It was not a major expression change. "We are dreaming man, or at least, I'm dreaming, and you are in my dream." Rob replied with a characteristic shrug. "Couldn't this be my dream?" Simon asked, curiously. "I feel like me." Rob raised a sarcastic eyebrow. "When did you ever dream of Middle Earth because you had an ex that went on and on about elves 24/7?" Simon conceded the point. "Alright man, but how the hell do we wake you up? Sure you aren't tripping?" Rob hung his head slightly. "Lulu won't let me; says its bad for me. I'm only allowed at parties." Simon didn't bother to hide his smirk. "You are so henpecked, Rowse." "Am not." "Are."
A little while later, they had decided to walk and argue. They were, in fact, so busy arguing, that Simon walked into the arrow aimed at his chest. He jumped back with an exclamation "Holy ----!" Rob stood very still. "I don't know how I pissed you off, but I swear I didn't do it on purpose." The blonde elves cocked their heads, confused, and spoke to each other in another language. "What's happening?..." Simon enquired, curiously in a whisper. "I don't know, they're talking elfish...Emma used to speak it, but ---- me if I know any. By the way, don't laugh at their hair, it'll piss them off."
Rob muttered out of the corner of his mouth, eyes on the elves. Simon shut up and waited patiently. "Who are you and why do you roam the woods of Thranduil without his consent?" One of them finally spoke in Westron to the (once again) confused boys. "Who are you and why do you talk in that posh accent?"
Simon spoke before Rob could even attempt to kick him. The elf looked a little affronted. One of the other elves spoke softly. "You are right, they are just children. I am one of the guards of Mirkwood, young one. Do you have a purpose in this forest?" Rob almost snarled. Children? They were men. He said as much to the elves, and they laughed.
"You cannot defend yourself, you have no home and you are young. In our thoughts you are most definitely children!" One of the other elves stepped forwards. "We must take them to Thranduil's palace. They are too immature, even for humans, to remain in the woods by themselves."
The elves led them back into the brush. "Rob..." "Si?" "I'm feeling a bit...Well..." "What? Spit it out, cruiseyboy?" "That's just it! Tom Cruise ain't nothing compared with these guys! They could have any girl they chose?!" Rob patted his shoulder sympathetically. "Like Tasha always says 'the sound of a deflating ego is loud and boring.' Its okay, mate, we'll get through this." Si looked suspiciously at Rob. Was he laughing at him?
As they drew near to the palace, they crossed a river, to the elves amusement. There was a challenge involved- the only way across was a rope bridge. Two elves ran easily across the slender rope. Rob and Simon exchanged pained glances, soon they would have no machismo to fall back on. There was no way they could do this. "Er, mate, I'm sorry, but we can't do that." Rob tapped the elf on the shoulder pointing at an elf crossing. The elf smiled patronisingly. "Don't fear, youngling, we will make it easier. Look, you are to go next." If this was their idea of easier, Rob would hate to see an elf in difficulty. There were now three ropes, two to hold, one to walk on. Rob felt himself being steered forwards. "Oh ----," He muttered, taking a breath. The river was fast and looked very cold and deep. He slowly made his way across, shaking as he got off at the other end.
"C'mon Si! You next!" Si shook his head violently. What? "Its easy mate!" "I hate water! I'll fall in!" "Don't be such a p---y, the water'll only get your hair wet!" "You and your fricking dreams! Wake up Rob! Wake up! If I could reach you I'd bloody wake you up!" Simon advanced warily towards the rope, and placed a foot tenderly on the main rope. It wiggled and bent with his weight. He drew backwards, but steeled himself with a deep breath. Rob could see his mate was scared s--- less. "Go on Si! Think of Rambo!"
After a lot of whimpering and whinging, Si managed to get across. The elves had not jeered at his weakness, and had seemed to respect that he was challenging a major personal fear. Although some of them did have small smirks. And they did talk loudly and rapidly in elfish as they steered the 'children' through the forest, towards an avenue of trees. Rob had the feeling they were being sized up.
"Look at that one; it is puffing its little chest out! That does not make a man!" "And the other, he runs a hand through his hair every second and prances as do highly strung horses!" "And the darker haired one, he smells!"
The boys were right. They were being sized up. And the elves firmly believed their first impression was correct. It was.
Ok! Sorry I haven't updated for ages but I ran out of ideas- what can I say?? Please, if you liked this, read my other ficlet, a parody of Sherlock Holmes named 'Mysteries and Misunderstandings'.