THE TEACHINGS OF DOÑA DARIA

by Galen Hardesty

Epilogue
And The Hunter Home From The Hill

~*~

Monday morning as they emerged from Mr. O'Neill's literature class, Jane caught up to her friend. "Hey, Daria. You don't look so good. You okay? How come you were late?"

Daria fumbled sleepily with her lock, then got it open. "I'm exhausted. I overslept. I feel like I spent yesterday falling off a cliff, climbing back up, and falling off again."

"You wouldn't happen to know why Quinn's wearing a long sleeved turtleneck and gloves, would you?"

"She had a reaction to some plants she came in contact with in the forest."

"And where'd you get that scratch?" Jane asked, pointing to Daria's cheek.

Daria closed her locker door. "In the forest."

"Well, duh. How did you get it? Were you attacked by a bear?"

"No, a drug-crazed madwoman." Daria headed for class, with Jane trailing along.

"What? Really? What did she do? What did you do? Are you all right?"

"I'm fine. We struggled, I subdued her, tied her up, and, er, turned her over to the authorities."

"You subdued her! Are you serious? And you turned her in to the police? Who is she? Was she wanted? Was she on the Ten Most Wanted list?"

Daria stopped at the classroom door and barred it with her arm. "Forget what I said. It was a branch, okay? A tree branch scratched me. I was kidding about the madwoman." The bell rang, and the two hurried inside.

Fifty-five minutes later, the bell rang again. Students emerged from the classroom, among them Daria and Jane.

"Come on, Daria, what really happened? Don't give me that branch stuff," said Jane.

"Why not?" replied Daria. "It was a forest. There were lots of branches. Many more branches than madwomen."

"Tell me the truth, Daria. Tell me about the drug-crazed madwoman."

"It was a tree branch. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it."

At lunch, Daria was sitting at her usual table, with Jane and Jodie.

"Come on, Daria, we're your friends. You can trust us," said Jodie.

"Yeah, come on, Daria, tell us about the drug-crazed madwoman. We swear we'll never tell a soul. I'll even tell you how Trent and I stole a car yesterday. Then if I tell, you tell, and I go to jail!"

Jodie turned and stared at Jane. "You stole a car?"

"You might go to jail, but I'd be killed." Daria replied. "Rubbed out. Offed. Terminated. Stabbed and slabbed."

"AHA! I knew it wasn't any stupid tree branch!" Jane crowed. "Come on, Daria! Spill it!"

"Aaarrgh!" Daria buried her face in her hands. "No! Nonononono! I want to live!"

The last bell rang. Almost immediately, students began pouring out the doors of Lawndale High. After a minute or two, Daria emerged from the main doors, with Jane, Jodie, and Mack trailing after her.

"I'm not telling anybody anything!"

"Fine! Just come to Pizza King with us," said Jodie. "Have some pizza."

"We're having a jumbo Supreme, with extra sausage and black olives," said Mack.

"Drinks are on me," put in Jane.

"Well, okay but I'm not discussing the camping trip."

"You don't have to, Daria. We just enjoy your company," said Jodie, winking at Jane over Daria's head.

In the booth at Pizza King, Daria sipped her cola and looked at the last slice of the jumbo Supreme pizza with double sausage and black olives. That had been one fine pizza. "Hey, you guys mind if I eat this last slice?" she asked.

But answer came there none. Jane, Jodie, and Mack were trying vainly to wipe away the tears that were streaming down their faces. They were laughing so hard they probably hadn't even heard the question.

"Well, guess I'd better be getting home. See you at school tomorrow. Thanks for the pizza." Daria slid out of the booth. Taking her cup in one hand and the slice in the other, she headed for the door. The others didn't see her go. Their eyes were squeezed tightly shut from laughing.

Pausing at the door, Daria looked back. She hadn't even told them half the story of their camping trip. She wondered if she could stretch the rest into two more trips to Pizza King. Hey, if Sheherezade could do it, so could she. Daria bit the tip off the slice she was holding. Mmm. Excellent pizza.

Walking down the sidewalk in the afternoon sunshine, Daria smiled a little and took a sip of her cola. Life was sweet. Too bad she had to die now. Sooner or later the story would make its way to Quinn's ear, and then Quinn would kill her. Oh, well. Everybody had his fate. Everybody had a date. She popped the last bite of pizza into her mouth. Maybe Quinn would miss on her first attempt and she'd have a chance to run for it. Amy might take her in. Daria's smile returned. Hell, for that story and a set of prints, Amy would probably put her through college.

And speaking of a set of prints, she wondered how much money Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie could scrape together. The thought brought an evil grin to her lips. Naah, she wouldn't do that. Nor would she be telling any pirate tales anytime soon, not while Mom and Dad were still alive. Not for any amount of pizza. She had to save something to brighten up her old age, in case she lived that long.

La la LA la la.