SHTF – Chapter 3  

DISCLAIMER:  I own nothing related to Bewitched or That '70's Show.

BEWITCHED, BOTHERED, AND BEWILDERED

The gang is sitting in the circle:

"Okay, once and for all, Samantha wins hands down," Eric said authoritatively.  "I mean, seriously, we just watched her turn Larry Tate into a monkey.  No way can Jeannie beat that."

Hyde, thinking about his recent "Jeannie/Jackie" fantasy, was quick to disagree.  "Come on, Forman.  Jeannie is way hotter than Samantha.  At least her outfits are hotter."

"Steven, as usual, you have no fashion sense," Jackie interrupted.  "Samantha is classy and Jeannie's just, well, she's kind of trashy."

"Jackie, I must agree with you," Fez said.  "Samantha has really nice hair and wears pretty little shirtwaist dresses."

The gang gave him that look, and then Eric chimed in with, "Okay, Hyde. Yeah, Jeannie is hot but Samantha is damn fine.  I mean, she's all perky and sweet but simmering underneath.  Yeah, simmering like a witch's brew!"

Red's voice bellowed down the stairs, "Eric, turn that damn TV off and get your ass to bed.  And tell those other dumbasses to go home."

"Isn't he lovely?" Eric said.  "What a warm, paternal, loving…."

"Move it, dumbass!" Red yelled again.

"See you, guys," Eric said before vaulting up the stairs. 

"Come on, Fez.  I'll give you a ride home in my Dad's car," Jackie said while gathering up her coat and purse.  "Bye, Steven.  We'll see you tomorrow."

Hyde stumbled off to his tiny room, stripped down to his boxers and t-shirt, and flopped tiredly on the bed.  Ahh, a little well-deserved shut-eye after a vigorous day of slacking off.  He quickly drifted off into dreamland.

DREAM SEQUENCE:

Hyde arrived home from another busy day at the ad agency.  He really hated promoting the greed of corporate America, but damn the money was good.  Besides, he always tried to slip some subliminal messages into his ad campaigns.  Like when he inserted subtle subliminals in that ad for Calvin Kleiniken Jeans.  Women started reported that they had thoughts of wearing no underwear.  Yeah, that's good stuff, he thought.

"Oh, Steven, you're home," his sweet little wife said.  Jackie hurried out of the kitchen to give him a peck on the cheek and take his briefcase from him.  As usual in dreamland, everything was weird.  Jackie was dressed like Samantha and her black hair was styled in a fluffy turned-up bob.  He appreciatively eyed her legs, which were shown to advantage in her short sheath dress.

"Hey, Baby, how's my girl?" he said while pulling at the knot of his tie.  "Ugh, I hate wearing these damn suits."

Jackie eyed him up and down and then, with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes, twitched her nose.  Hyde found himself now wearing his old, worn-thin wife-beater t-shirt and his favorite pair of faded jeans.  He noticed with amusement that his underwear was missing.

"Ah, much better, Jacks.  Thanks," he said with a contented sigh.

Looking at him appreciatively, Jackie said, "My pleasure."  With another twitch of her nose, Hyde was sitting on the couch with Jackie on his lap.  She started kissing him sweetly and he could taste her strawberry lip-gloss.  He was just starting to slide his hand up her thigh under the hem of her dress when an annoying voice interrupted them.

"Derwin, stop that!  Jacqueline, get off that, that, mortal this instant!"

"Good to see you too, Endora,"  Hyde said.  Boy, his mother-in-law was really a witch.

"Mother, it's Steven, not Derwin!" Jackie exclaimed as she jumped to her feet and smoothed her dress down.

"Steven, Derwin, Stervin, whatever," Endora said with a haughty swirl of her robes. 

"Mother, what do you want?  I'm a little busy right now."

"Jacqueline, how could you possibly be busy?  When I was here this morning, you were lying on the couch, eating bon-bons, watching soap operas, and twitching your nose every time the clothes dryer buzzed."

"Mother, hush!" Jackie hissed while casting a wary eye at Hyde.

"Jackie, have you been using witchcraft again to clean the house?  I've told you that I forbid you to do that!"

"You forbid me?"  Jackie said angrily, glaring him with slitted eyes.  "How dare you, Steven Hyde!  I'm not some little genie in a bottle who you can boss around."

"Well, my work here is done," Endora said gloatingly.  With another swirl of her robes, she disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Jackie, dammit, I'm not trying to boss you around.  But when we got married, you agreed to try to be a regular, mortal, wife who does things the regular, mortal, way.  You can't go twitching your little nose every time you need to do something."

"Steven, I'll twitch my nose any time I like!  Like now, for instance."

In a flash, Hyde found himself transformed into a pig, a male chauvinist pig at that.

"Dammit, Jackie, stop doing that! Oink! This is not funny. Oink, squeal, Oink."  A long pause, then, "I'm sorry, okay?"   

Another twitch and he returned to his normal self.  "Jeez, Jackie, I really wish you would quit doing that.  It freaks me out."

"Oh, Steven, I'm sorry," Jackie said while giving him a hug and a soft kiss.  "I don't know what's the matter with me lately.  I just feel so cranky and out of sorts.  Maybe I'm coming down with something.  I was even feeling a bit feverish earlier.  That's the only reason I cheated by using witchcraft to do the housework.  Maybe I should call Dr. Bombay for a check-up."

She placed her hands on each side of her head with her fingers touching her temples. 

"Calling Dr. Bombay,

 Calling Dr. Bombay,

 Please come quick,

 I'm being a bitch today!"

POUF!  The imminent physician appeared wearing his usual safari suit.  "Yes, yes, what's the trouble?  This better be important 'cause I was fixing one of Aunt Clara's latest mistakes.  I wish that woman would stop trying to turn mice into handsome footmen.  All she ends up with are mice with giant feet."

"Dr. Bombay, I need a check-up," Jackie said plaintively.  "I just haven't been feeling myself lately.  I've been snappish, grouchy, and a touch feverish." 

"Tut, tut.  Well, let's see now."  He began to pull bizarre instruments out of his leather medical bag.  He peered in her ears, smelled her hair, listened to her back and chest with a stethoscope, and then pinched her bottom.

"Ow!" Jackie said while rubbing her behind.  "Is that absolutely necessary, Dr. Bombay?"

"No, I just do that for fun," he said while sidling away from Hyde who was advancing on him threateningly.  "Well, my dear, you appear to have a case of Goodytwoshoesitis.  Here, drink this potion so I can be on my way.  Oh, dear, Serena's calling again.  This can't be good."  With a smoky POUF, he vanished.

"Jacks, are you okay?  What the hell is goodytwoshoesitis?"

"Steven, I'm fine.  I just need to let my hair down, so to speak."  With that, Jackie held her nose and proceeded to drink the potion down. 

Hyde watched in amazement as his sweet, classy, conventional Jackie was suddenly transformed.  Gone were her modest sheath dress, flats, and shellacked hair-do.  She now stood before him wearing a black lace bra, black lace bikini panties, and black stiletto heels.  Her long black hair was curling about her slender shoulders, its natural waves untamed.  She wore a black, conical shaped hat with a broad brim.

"Damn, is that you, Jackie?  What the heck is going…."  Before he could finish, he found himself lying flat on his back on their bed with Jackie straddling him.  He tried to reach up for her but found that he couldn't move his arms. 

"Just relax, Steven, and enjoy yourself."  She began to rub her hands up and down his arms, reveling in the feel of the muscles beneath his skin.  With a twitch of her nose, his wife-beater tee was gone and he was naked from the waist up.  His worn-thin, faded jeans were all he was left wearing.  Jackie trailed her index finger down his rock-hard stomach, her fingernail lightly grazing his skin.  "Mmmm," she purred softly.  Her finger lightly skimmed over the line of hair that ran from his belly button down to where it disappeared into his jeans.  "Did you ever notice that this little line is like an arrow on a map, pointing to the treasure?" she said with a sensual smile.  As he felt her small hands begin to undo the buttons on his jeans, he heard her say,

"STEVEN!  Are you in there?  Get up!  It's ten o'clock already.  The Price is Right is starting!"

Dammit!  Hyde thought with a groan.  I've got to start locking that basement door.  And I've really got to stop spending so much time with Jackie.  This is getting ridiculous.  And extremely frustrating!   

End of Chapter 3.