Chapter 4 - Don't Leave
So he did, what he shouldn't have done two years ago, but needed to do this time, he turned around and left.
He was heartbroken. Everything seemed even more difficult now, he had thought that after seeing her for one last time, he could finally breather freely again, but somehow it was just the opposite. He felt like he would get a panic attack soon, although he had gotten rid of those years ago, when he was still a boy.
He used to get those easily, but his mentor had made him get rid of them, so he had done exactly as she had ordered, because he would never have risked annoying her then.
"Bloody woman" he thought angrily, trying to compartmentalize his feelings. Anger was better than the utter devastation, the weariness, the void he felt right then.
Thoughts rushed through his head at high speed, and although they weren't genuine, nor honest, nor true, he relished in them.
'I don't want her to forgive me.' 'I'm glad with the life I have.' 'I can get all the women I want, who needs that stubborn mule.' 'I'm far better of without her.' 'I was born for this, not for being a bloody husband.' 'I don't care.' 'I couldn't care less.' 'I will leave her in her misery, after all she deserves it.' 'She betrayed me and I hate her for it.'
It was all he could cling to and what kept him from getting his gun out and shooting himself right there where he was standing, in the middle of a park, in the darkness, alone.
Why had she been willing to take him back; he had been prepared for everything, just not this. He could have dealt with insults, even with a gun, but not with tears and raw love.
He knew he must look ridiculous, standing in a park at night, panting as if he'd just run a marathon, eyes pinched close, face contorted into a grimace of despair, anger, pain, devastation and hopelessness. He was so focused on trying to win control over himself again, that he didn't hear her coming up from behind. Only when she laid a hand onto his shoulder did he realize someone was standing behind him, and in a matter of milliseconds he had jerked around, taken out his gun while lifting his left fist to punch his opponent in the face. Only then he realized it was her and his arms fell limply to his sides.
When he focused on her face and on her eyes, he saw the same emotions he felt reflected in hers. And for the first time in two years, she too looked intently into his eyes. He could feel how she bore deep into his soul with one intent look and he knew what she found. The same sadness that filled her eyes.
She was so perfect; she felt, smelled, looked so right for him and he couldn't imagine how he would live without her for one more minute. He had done it already and it had been hell. Seeing her again hadn't been such a good idea after all; he felt even more unsettled an unable to get on with his life than before.
But he also knew that he had to be strong, for both of them. Her life was complicated enough without adding a re-wanted terrorist to her life.
"It doesn't matter what you have done, I just want you back. Without you my life is only a pathetic excuse, without you I'm only existing, not living. I need you, Nathaniel."
"I can't do that to you." He heard himself say.
"Don't leave, Nathaniel, please."
*******************
Songtitle is "Don't leave" from Faithless. I hope you enjoy. If you review, I'll update tomorrow *evilgrin*
So he did, what he shouldn't have done two years ago, but needed to do this time, he turned around and left.
He was heartbroken. Everything seemed even more difficult now, he had thought that after seeing her for one last time, he could finally breather freely again, but somehow it was just the opposite. He felt like he would get a panic attack soon, although he had gotten rid of those years ago, when he was still a boy.
He used to get those easily, but his mentor had made him get rid of them, so he had done exactly as she had ordered, because he would never have risked annoying her then.
"Bloody woman" he thought angrily, trying to compartmentalize his feelings. Anger was better than the utter devastation, the weariness, the void he felt right then.
Thoughts rushed through his head at high speed, and although they weren't genuine, nor honest, nor true, he relished in them.
'I don't want her to forgive me.' 'I'm glad with the life I have.' 'I can get all the women I want, who needs that stubborn mule.' 'I'm far better of without her.' 'I was born for this, not for being a bloody husband.' 'I don't care.' 'I couldn't care less.' 'I will leave her in her misery, after all she deserves it.' 'She betrayed me and I hate her for it.'
It was all he could cling to and what kept him from getting his gun out and shooting himself right there where he was standing, in the middle of a park, in the darkness, alone.
Why had she been willing to take him back; he had been prepared for everything, just not this. He could have dealt with insults, even with a gun, but not with tears and raw love.
He knew he must look ridiculous, standing in a park at night, panting as if he'd just run a marathon, eyes pinched close, face contorted into a grimace of despair, anger, pain, devastation and hopelessness. He was so focused on trying to win control over himself again, that he didn't hear her coming up from behind. Only when she laid a hand onto his shoulder did he realize someone was standing behind him, and in a matter of milliseconds he had jerked around, taken out his gun while lifting his left fist to punch his opponent in the face. Only then he realized it was her and his arms fell limply to his sides.
When he focused on her face and on her eyes, he saw the same emotions he felt reflected in hers. And for the first time in two years, she too looked intently into his eyes. He could feel how she bore deep into his soul with one intent look and he knew what she found. The same sadness that filled her eyes.
She was so perfect; she felt, smelled, looked so right for him and he couldn't imagine how he would live without her for one more minute. He had done it already and it had been hell. Seeing her again hadn't been such a good idea after all; he felt even more unsettled an unable to get on with his life than before.
But he also knew that he had to be strong, for both of them. Her life was complicated enough without adding a re-wanted terrorist to her life.
"It doesn't matter what you have done, I just want you back. Without you my life is only a pathetic excuse, without you I'm only existing, not living. I need you, Nathaniel."
"I can't do that to you." He heard himself say.
"Don't leave, Nathaniel, please."
*******************
Songtitle is "Don't leave" from Faithless. I hope you enjoy. If you review, I'll update tomorrow *evilgrin*
