Chapter 5 – Best I Ever Had

How he had longed to hear those words, she had said all he could possibly wish for, but he knew she wasn't being honest with herself, knew that in the end she would destroy herself, she would feel to guilty, and her conscience would never allow her to enjoy life running from the CIA, the British Intelligence among many other enemies. He wouldn't get a new amnesty, he had gotten a second chance, and wouldn't get a third. That he knew for sure. And she deserved something better, someone better.

He had a strange feeling of déjà-vu, when he, after telling her all this, turned around and wanted to leave, forever this time.

"Maybe you're right, maybe I can't live like that, but let me try at least?"

She sounded so desperate and scared that all he wanted to do was take her in his arms, soothe her and assure that everything would turn out alright. But it was an impossibility, if he would let down his guard now, allow himself to become weak, to let her get to him; he didn't know what would happen.

Running away with her, leaving everything behind, it sounded so simple, but he couldn't. Although few people suspected it, he did have a conscience, and it would probably kill him, or drive him insane, before her own conscience would catch up with her.

Although she wanted it desperately, she wasn't meant for a normal life, a happy life with a husband, two children and a dog. The last shred of normality that existed in her life would be gone, if his heart would win over his head now. And he wouldn't let it happen.

Even though he wasn't the Sark from before, he did have some of his traits still, and if he wanted to protect her, to help her, he needed to stop shivering like a baby now, and leave.

He was battling with himself and it felt like the hardest fight he'd ever had to fight. It felt so unfair to him, that the wisest choice would be to leave her although he knew she wanted him back too.

"Sydney, I can't, it wouldn't be fair, for either of us."

He wondered when he had become so reasonable, she was all that counted in his life, and he wasn't egoistical enough to want to keep her close to him. He almost chuckled at the thought. Her he was, ready to give her up, because he loved her so much; she had definitely changed a lot in him.

"I will come with you, whether you like it or not. We know how it's done, the hiding, the vanishing, new aliases, some remote place; it's easy, we just have to do it."

"What about the fear of being found, leaving your family behind, being on the run 24/7; you don't really want that, your blinded because I am here, if you were alone, you'd never even think about it."

He was arguing with her to convince her to stay away from him; he realized the situation couldn't get anymore weird. But it was up to him to keep her safe, it was the thing to do, if he really had changed irreversibly into someone better. He had to let her go, to prove to himself and to her, that he really wasn't the man he had tried to be again for the last two years.

He breathed deeply, having made up his mind and looked deep into her eyes; he wanted to memorize her eyes, because they were what made Sydney. In them her whole being, her fears, her joys, her experiences, everything could be found in them and he never wanted to forget that.

"You're the best I ever had Sydney…"

TBC