Hey hey! Thanks for the reviews, feel free to carry on doing so. Actually PLEASE do- you have no idea how much it makes my day to read a nice review! I've gotta go pick up my GCSE results in 2 hours...bites nails..devours nails moves onto hands..arms.... you get the idea =D

Disclaimer: The characters belong to JKR, the word centrillion may or may not belong to me, and I do happen to own a bottle of Absinthe so try suing me for THAT one! Hahaha. *Coughs*

Anyway! On with the chapter. Review at the end please! -----------------------------------------------------

Chapter Three-

The Dark Lord drops in for Tea

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Wednesday 7th August

Lucius gave a sneaky look in all directions, and surreptitiously reached for his wand. He grabbed it, and began to cast all sorts of spells. How happy he was to have his wand back! He travelled by floo powder to Knockturn Alley to tell all his evil friends about it. Although he must have taken a wrong turn somewhere because he ended up running from someone. And why wasn't he wearing any clothes.?

"Oh.....ssshhhhhiiiiittt!!"

A wail rang from the Malfoy Manor as Lucius realised:

That he had been dreaming

That Lord Voldemort was coming for tea

That he was standing next to his bed right now

1.37pm, Wednesday 7th August

Many minutes later, Lord Voldemort and Pettigrew emerged with Lucius, from his bedroom. Draco, who happened to be walking past at the time simply raised one eyebrow coquettishly, before whispering in his father's ear, "Well done dad, you finally got a shag, eh?"

Lucius, not one for losing his temper in front of Dark Lords, decided to count to ten to keep his patience.

2.13pm

Thirty-three centrillion, eight hundred billion.

Counting didn't work obviously, when you had a son like Draco.

Lucius smiled gracefully at Voldemort and carried on walking, ruing the day he drank a bottle of Absinthe and slept with Narcissa, mistaking her for his cousin.

2.30pm

Voldemort and Peter were sat in Lucius' lounge, while he literally turned the kitchen upside-down looking for food.

"What's in a pie? All these years Narcissa and the Elves have been making them and I never even took the trouble to look! Damn me!"

"Father, they serve us pies all the time at Hogwarts, maybe I could help you make one?" Draco offered, helpful as always.

Lucius sighed, thinking he really didn't have much choice. On the other hand, his therapist*** had suggested that he and Draco do some male bonding. At the time he had in mind some innocent-Muggle killing, but this would have to do.

(A/N *** Wonders: Do Dark Wizards have therapists?)

"Well. Let's start with the bottom" Lucius said proudly, as if he had just cracked the Enigma code. "I remember it being dark and tasty"

Draco smirked to himself. "Unfortunately Harry Potter's in Cyprus at this time of year".

Lucius started humming and pretended he hadn't heard that.

"This is brown!" He exclaimed, waving a chocolate bar under Draco's nose. "We shall put that in. Now to find something tasty. Apart from me, I mean."

Meanwhile in the lounge.

"I'm feeling particularly evil today, Pettigrew. I do hope that Lucius' pie will be up to scratch, as I've never quite forgiven him for sleeping with my first, second and third wives.All at the same time. And I would love an excuse to get my own back. I was thinking something along the lines of filling his trousers with cold custard! Hehehehehehe."

"My lord, with all due respect, that isn't very evil" Peter interjected

"I hadn't finished! And then erm. putting some bees down there too. And Pansy Parkinson."

Peter smiled at him, muttering to himself

"I swear he's losing his touch".

3.45pm

Draco and Lucius emerged from the kitchen, looking ever-so-pleased with themselves, and holding what they imagined to be the finest pie ever known to man (or whatever the hell Voldemort was).

"Sit down please, my Lord" Lucius said, walking to the table and holding Voldmort's chair out for him.

"I must say Lucius, I am rather proud of you, I heard about your magic being taken away and I think you've done splendidly to prepare such an occasion for me" Voldemort said graciously.

"You haven't tasted the pie yet" Draco muttered

"Which wine goes with pie?" Lucius interjected loudly, pretending not to hear Draco. "Well I'd say that Moët goes with everything, but we don't seem to have any. Erm.We have Malibu!" He said, clearly pleased with himself.

"Do tuck in, please" Draco declared with a smirk.

And so Lord Voldemort and Pettigrew sat down to a meal of Malibu and chocolate, marmite, water, cream-cracker and tuna pie. Lucius and Draco sat down to a liquid lunch of Malibu, although Lucius had managed to sneak some Absinthe into his.

The Malfoy men held their breath as Voldemort took his first mouthful of pie. And burst into tears.

"How could you know? This is the pie mummy used to make! Oh wow, it's like being a child again!"

Apparently Dark Lords are formed when mothers have crap culinary skills.

10.50pm

And so, after Malibu and nostalgic talks around the fire (and that orgy), Voldemort and Peter left Lucius' home with talks of relinquishing evil, never killing another living thing and donating all his money to a cat's home.

10.52pm

This plan fell through when Voldemort saw a bunny rabbit on the way home and couldn't help himself.

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Yay another chapter! Hope you liked that. In the next chapter- Lucius tries to set the video! More accidents with household appliances! More visits from your favourite characters!

Review and tell me what you thought of this chapter, as well as any suggestions for future chapters or questions etc. Thankily Dankily!

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