I'm very excited! Not only have I never reached a fifth chapter in a story before (short attention span), but it's my birthday too! As I write this it's about 12:40am and as there's no-one around I have sung Happy Birthday to myself and opened all my cards. Now I'm just depressed. But story writing! I'm excited again. That's the advantage of being easily impressed. Oooh look! A unicorn!

Anyway, thanks to all who have reviewed, mostly Firess Ifrit Devil (Mean Princess) who has reviewed repeatedly. Reviews give this writing some meaning except just to entertain myself. Also thanks to Rachele Stein for the ideas of how to antagonise Lucius. I already had the idea of Lucius driving as he's got to get to work somehow.but your SARS suggestion makes me think that maybe he should take the train. Cough cough. (ooh contextual pun!)

Anyway, enough of the rambling, and on with the story! Quick disclaimer: Characters all JKR's.except Cornelius the cat. He is very precious to me but unfortunately exists only in my imagination.

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Chapter Five

Top of the Pops is relocated to the Malfoy's living room!

Wednesday 14th August

6.17pm

"Now if you'd like to hold him still, Mr Malfoy."

Lucius winced as Cornelius the cat got the snip. All he could think was 'thank god I'm not Jewish'

(A/N: contextual joke.if you don't get it don't stress. It really isn't that exciting. Just pretend I've told a really funny joke and laugh. Go on. There, isn't that better now?)

"Now that should stop him being so. frisky." The vet assured Lucius.

Draco snorted, "Frisky is not the word. Try 'attempts to mate with anything that stands still long enough'".

And in the age-perfected Malfoy way, Draco spun on his heel, grabbed his father and Cornelius, and stalked out of the vet's surgery. Of course he and Cornelius then disapparated, leaving Lucius to walk home, muttering to himself all the way. Typical, the only vet offering free Ketamine was one 30 miles away.

He was about halfway home when he remembered Narcissa's note, and that he was supposed to set the video to record Top of the Pops. And it was starting in an hour. He stopped walking for a second, as if considering what to do. If he walked quickly he could make it. Carefully, he considered it. And then he started walking again, but slower than before. 'Wedded bliss' is an oxymoron.

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8.13pm (Precisely 43 minutes late for Top of the Pops)

Upon entering his home, Lucius was greeted by Draco. And around 30 of his friends.

"Hey dad, how's it going?" Draco yelled above the sound of "Bohemian Rhapsody".

"Who the hell are these people?" Lucius yelled, even louder

-Bismillah- No- we will not let you go- let me go- bismillah-

"Pardon?"

-oh mamma-mia mamma mia- mamma mia let me go-

Out of the corner of his eye, Lucius could see Blaise and Pansy pretending to play guitars and miming to the lyrics. Bizarre though they were.

-For mmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-

The whole room started headbanging. Lucius lost the will to live. Then he was given an idea.

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Four minutes later the song had finally finished. Lucius stood, armed with his video camera. Someone had put another song on. And as Blaise and Pansy began to mime and generally piss around again, Lucius pressed "record" on the camera.

-For the benefit of Mr Kite, there will be a show tonight-

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"You can't be serious, father" Draco was giving his trademark smirk

"Your mother will never know the difference. Well, I mean what's Top of the Pops? People singing and other people enjoying themselves, right? Well I'm pretty confident that she'll fall for it."

"Blaise and Pansy are quite clearly not on Top of the Pops though. Infact, you can quite clearly see all our stuff in the background. What the hell are we going to tell her, the BBC moved Top of the Pops to our living room?!"

After two weeks of torture, Draco really was losing all patience with his father. But he realised that it was the best he could do. And also that he was small and could fit into many hiding places should the need arise.

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Friday 16th August

The TOTP incident was soon brushed aside, waiting to be unearthed upon Narcissa's return. Until then, Lucius would be busy completing the other items on her 'to-do' list. The next thing he fancied doing was "going into work". But he couldn't use magic. So what to do?

"Just take the train dad"

Draco had become uncannily good at mind-reading at Hogwarts, and nowadays he never missed an opportunity to scare the hell out of his dad with this skill.

"Argh!" Lucius jumped about a foot in the air. "Don't bloody do that. But since you mention it, I was thinking about taking the train."

Draco gave a little cough that sounded strangely like "Wanker".

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Saturday 17th August

It was quite unfortunate, for both Lucius and the other passengers, that he happened to have a cough on this particular day.

Lucius had only just about managed to purchase a ticket, after forgetting where the Ministry was located. The London Underground staff were highly suspicious and called the police. It took Lucius ten minutes and many tears to convince them that he was suffering from Alzheimer's.

But the problems were only just beginning. After coughing repeatedly, and then in non-stop fits, some terrified passengers on the train alerted the police and reported that Lucius had SARS.

"Great". Thought Lucius, sitting somewhat uncomfortably in the back seat of a police car.

"On the other hand, though, this policeman sitting next to me is rather dishy. He can arrest me any time."

And with that, Lucius was driven to the station for questioning.

Draco, watching all this through a magickal mirror, gave a little squeak of delight. Finally, he had gotten rid of his father. He opened his little black book, lifted the telephone and began to dial the number belonging to one "Harry Potter", with a wickedly seductive look on his pale, elfish face.

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Oooh! What's going to happen next? Sorry, but as a loyal fan of H/D I'm going to have to include a little sauciness.

What will Draco and Harry get up to?

Will Lucius be able to worm his way out of this one?

Will Narcissa really believe Lucius' makeshift TOTP?

What will happen when Lucius gets some Ronseal which "does exactly what it says on the tin" except Draco's taken the label off..?

Various little plots are hatching in my mind but I want you to review and tell me what you thought of this chapter, as well as any ideas you want to share with me. Apart from that, thanks for reading and come back next time! (and review!) xxx